He senses her willingness to exert herself and he relaxes what he gives even more. She senses this and now she works even harder to jump through more hoops. The cycle gets worse and worse as she becomes more and more depleted. Does that sound familiar to you?
So the solution, lose the fantasy. And if you feel that you are going to resent something after you give it, then don't give it. Give only what feels comfortable to give. This will enable you to stay firmly planted with both feet on the ground.
Hi Vasties, and welcome to a brand new, almost, adulting the largest self-love podcast in movement, your number one destination for personal growth and mental health. I am your big sister and your host, Violetta. So today, we are going to be covering chapter five from Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov.
When a nice girl meets a man, it's not uncommon for her to make concessions in her life that seem relatively insignificant. She stops doing the routine everyday things. She stops seeing friends. She stops going to a yoga class and she stops playing tennis on the weekends. She stops making time for the things she did when she was solo. Here's what she does start doing. She cancels a hair appointment for a date with him. She stops going to the gym after work.
to accommodate seeing him. She stops spending time with her friends to give him that feeling that he's special. She cancels plans because there's a chance that she'll get a call from him. She isn't focused at school because she keeps checking to see if there's a message from him.
She isn't focused at work. She keeps checking her email to see if she receives something in her inbox from him. She gives up her career to further his career and support him. She stops having dreams outside of her relationship because her only dream is him. The bitch does not stop moving to her own rhythm. This and of itself prevents her from becoming off balance like the nice girl who abandons her routine. By the way, you guys outside of this book, we
have all been there, whether when we're younger or currently in our relationship, sometimes we don't even realize because it starts really small. When we start changing our little routine for the person that we like, for example, whatever hobby that you always used to do with your friends, the current person you're dating is not into that hobby or they don't like to do it. And then without realizing you kind of just stop practicing or enjoying that hobby because you're trying to accommodate the person you're not dating, who no longer enjoys this, you pick up their hobbies.
You stop hanging out with your friends, you pick up hanging out with their friends. Don't be that person. So, attraction principle number 43. If you allow your rhythm to be interrupted, you'll create a void. Then, to replace what you give up, you will start to expect and need more from your partner. This is a life lesson we all need to learn. A classic example is Teresa. She takes out the dance classes two nights a week. When she met her last boyfriend, she stopped going to her dance classes because he did not like to dance.
She also play tennis but he didn't play so she stopped that hobby as well seems harmless right not really she's giving up what she likes the reason the nice girl gives up these activities is also telling herself confidence often she gives up something because she fears he won't like her the way that she is.
In addition, this commutative reduction of activities eventually adds up to a significant change in who she is. At some point, the man will notice and it turns him off because he realizes before she does that she has lost her independence.
And what happens after she lost her independence? Well, let's take a look at the state of the union with Teresa, the woman who gave up salsa classes in tennis. She said, we spent almost every single night of the week together and we fell into a pattern almost immediately. He didn't tell me that it was too much for him. He just didn't smile much and it seemed like he wasn't happy anymore.
I was becoming more insecure and I kept trying harder and harder to be affectionate. I just wanted him to be like he was in the beginning. Principle number 44. Most women are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves. Remember that. The nice girl thinks that she's giving up something to get something better in return.
She gives up control over her own life. When the time comes for it to get what she actually expected, she winds up disappointed. In addition to being empty-handed, she's depleted. A man realizes just how much the nice girl gives up. He doesn't make the same sacrifices because she's adjusting herself to be with him.
After she gives up everything in her life, she begins to demand the same of him. She wants him to stop seeing a family of friends. She wants him to spend all of his free time with her. If he goes to the gym, she wants to accompany him. He doesn't feel this pressure from a bitchier woman. So he wants to be around her more, not less. And he respects her because she appears to have a quote unquote life. Suppose a woman says to a guy that she can't go on a date with him that night because of her weekly pottery class.
He scratches his head and he thinks, what? She'd rather go to a pottery class than be with me. It's not only attracting him, it blows his mind. So, you know, it's truly exhausting. The mental load of deciding what to eat. Like, why is planning a dinner? Literally one of the hardest parts of my day, except also waking up and breathing.
After juggling a million decisions, my brain is like, no, you're on your own for dinner, babe. But that is where cook unity comes in. Cook unity makes life easy. And I mean easy. You just pick your meals, they show up at your door, and you're eating restaurant quality food in like five minutes. I'm not even joking.
There's no planning, there's no grocery shopping, and there's no cleaning up pots and pans. Seriously, that's why I love them. It's like the food fairy visited your kitchen, and I'm here for that. So let me tell you about my Cook Unity experience. I went with the herb roasted chicken from none other than Chef Mark F. I can't pronounce his last name, but let me try. Mark for going.
He's basically the James Beard award winning chef, okay? The chicken was perfectly seasoned and immelted in your mouth type of tender. In the mashed potatoes, you guys, it was creamier than my ex-birphants. Just kidding.
But honestly, it's rich, it's creamy, and honestly, I could have licked the plate off. I did not okay, but maybe I did. So basically, I customize my order because I'm trying out dairy-free, so you gotta love those food preferences, and they absolutely nailed it. No dairy, no problem. Every bite still tastes like I was dining at a top restaurant, and my second favorite dish this week, I would probably have to go with a grilled salmon with ginger ice and roasted brussel sprouts.
The way that the flavor came together was honestly mind-blowing, like seriously, I didn't know the ginger and rice could even taste this good. Compared to other meal delivery services that I've tried, Cook Unity is in a league of its own. The quality isn't just so much higher, but you can literally taste the difference that a real chef is creating these meals. It doesn't feel mass-produced, and the ingredients are always fresh and well-fed out.
Oh, and don't even get me started on the variety, okay? They have over 350 meals to choose from. Whether you're craving Moroccan lamb or you're trying out some classic steak and potatoes, cook unity has got you covered. It's perfect if you're picky like me. Or if you just want to try something new every single time about the hassle of cooking and having loads of dishes to clean afterwards. So take a load off and let cook unity handle dinner for you.
It's affordable food crafted by award-winning chefs delivered straight to your door. So go to cookunity.com slash adulting or enter my promo code adulting before check out for 50% off of your first week. That is 50% off of your first week by using my code adulting or going to cookunity.com slash adulting.
Have you been feeling like picking up a hobby lately or maybe you've run out of men to reject and you're just like, what else can I do with my life? How about reading a book? But a book that teaches you a lot about yourself, okay? There is this book that I recently started reading you guys and it's revolutionary. It's sensational. It's a game changing.
exploration of women's sexuality asks and answers. How do women feel about sex when they have the freedom to be totally anonymous? Delicious, right? Well, it's basically this book called Want by Jillian Enderson.
It's an instant New York Times bestseller. You know, Jillian Anderson, she's an award-winning actor. It's basically anonymous sex stories from women all over the world. If your sex life is as dry as mine, you might still just enjoy what these women get to write. They're fantasies, what's happening in their life, and they get to share and be as open as possible because, you know, it's anonymous.
from a Sikh woman who writes about her secret last for her brother-in-law to a white British woman who just wants to properly be kissed. One last time, want is this provocative in a page turning collection of sexual fantasies from women around the world.
So I don't know about you, but I'd rather be reading this book about all these fantasies than wasting my time on some dude who's going to jackhammer you for three seconds and then forget to ever call you again. This sounds way more promising, way more exciting. So definitely check out this book, Want, Buy Your Copy, off of this year's hottest book, The Instant New York Times Best Seller Want that's now available wherever books are sold. And I will also include the link in my bio.
And you can also use the code podcast for 20% off of your first order. Principle number 45. A woman looks more secure in a man's eyes when he can't pull her away from her life because she is content with her current life. So when you love life with him or without him, that is when he will accept and value you for who you are.
When the relationship starts off at lightning speed, the man will at some point pull back to regain his need for space. This I feel like happens to so many women so often. And then the woman will be left off balance. It's then that the nice girl will appear needy, trying to win back his affections. This is when she jumps through hoops for him. A man will lose respect for a woman who needs his approval, particularly when she will overcompensate to get it.
Which brings us to principle number 46. The second a woman works over time to make herself fit his criteria. She has lowered the standard of that relationship. As long as a woman stays in control of remaining who she is, he will need her. When a man thinks about a woman who has control over herself, he automatically thinks about her preferences and about ways to please her.
women are much more likely to cancel plans. Men, they don't give up boys night out. Men don't give up their work or their sleep or their food. Likewise, they respect a woman who will hold her own with what's important to her. When was the last time you heard a guy call his barber and be like, yeah, Sam, I'm going to need to cancel my 215 haircut appointment because Sally and I just need to spend more time bonding. It's just not happening.
Doesn't matter if you swung from the chandelier the night before the show stopping sex accompanied by some screaming that scared off the alley cats oh my god what what amazing sex a 215 your man will belong to Sam haircuts men can shift gears from romantic to practical and so can the bitch the bitch she speaks to him in his own language the nice girl however is too needy to let go.
But he did all the pursuing in the beginning, says the nice girl. This may be true, but you have the power to decide when you show up. And this is how you stay the boss of you. That's why you absolutely have to set the pace.
and keep your own rhythm when dating. Otherwise, if you don't, he will have you jumping through hoops. Again, it doesn't matter if he wants to see you constantly, even if he's an incredible guy and you feel amazing temptation, do not give him all of your time, especially in the beginning. In the beginning, try to see him two thirds of the time that he asks. For the remaining third, you have something else going on. I don't give a shit, you guys, if you actually have nothing going on, you can literally be
Painting your nails and that's your me time. And that's what you cannot make it to the date. Okay? Being a bitch isn't about executing a certain kind of arrogance. Contrary to what media would have us believe, it doesn't matter how hip, cool or cocky you appear to be or try to be. Power is the control do you have over yourself. In fact, when a woman is trying too hard to be cocky, she's usually not moving to a rhythm because she's trying too hard to convince herself that she's stronger than she really is.
As Gregory Corso said, standing on a street corner waiting for no one is power. When you don't wait for anyone, it's because you don't need anyone. When you approach men this way, any men who steps up to the plate will have to meet you at your level. First, you have to stop needing his approval. Only then, your needs will be met.
For example, let's talk about Lynn. Lynn started dating a plastic surgeon in Kevin. They had separate residents, and one night, she cooked them dinner. By the way, you guys are already big reflag. If that's the beginning of your, you guys are dating. And I don't know if it's in this chapter, they'll explain why it's a reflag, but if they don't, I will explain to you why it's a reflag.
In the beginning, you should be careful how you set the tone. And I discussed this in my Thursday episode, convince him he's in control episode, but basically brought this up how in the beginning, it's so important how you set the tone. So don't start with something you don't want to continue. So if you're starting with something cooking for him, in the beginning, honey, that's going to be the rest of your life with him. If you don't want to go to the grocery store all the time, don't start that as the pattern, okay? Let him come your way.
Don't do these things to try to impress a man in the beginning. That is the time for him to try to impress you. But anyway, let's go back to Lynn. So with Lynn, they started dating and beginning of dating and she cooked dinner for him one night. He called her at the last minute to cancel their pre-planned dinner day because he had to switch shift with another surgeon. Lynn already cooked an elaborate meal for him.
His call came only half an hour before he was supposed to show up. Had he called her early in the day right after he agreed to switch these shifts, she wouldn't have worked her ass off for no reason. Here's where she made a mistake of jumping through hoops for this man. She offered to cook the same dinner again the following night. And she agreed to drive to his place this time to do it. What she should have done was to put the skids on the cooking plan altogether. She should have said,
It's really good, Kevin, too bad you missed out when a man treats a woman with disrespect and she takes it. He begins to lose respect for her altogether. Predictably, Lynn was a Kevin's place the following evening. He was not appreciative, which hurt her feelings. And then they subdating a short while later. A bitch prioritizes herself over melting into someone else.
Because of this, her no means no and her yes means yes, objective. It's not to be obnoxious, but to have the ability to be clear and concise. It can be very nice and still be clear. A man will respect a woman who is clear and direct about what she needs without waffling or second guessing herself.
For example, if a man is late to a date, the bitch will become annoyed because it's an inconvenience for her. Annoyance is different than becoming emotional. She'll say something like, don't waste my time if you're going to be late. Please just let me know so I can make other arrangements. I have better things to do with my time than waiting around.
So if he chooses not to respect her the next time around remember next time around she allows 15 or 20 minutes and then she will leave without him her time her priorities are important to her in no time that she give herself up. When you're in the type of situation ask yourself the following question what message am I sending by my reactions to his behavior.
Your true power, therefore, is marked by realizing what your rhythm is, moving to it, knowing who you are and what you will and will not accept. Having the ability to make a decision without second guessing yourself afterwards and without being talked out of how you feel, having self-control because true power is the control you have over yourself.
When you have control of yourself, you don't need to be emotional all the time. When you have a sassy edge, you say the boss of you. Ironically, this is also when you become the boss of him. Principle number 48, you have to keep from being sucked down into some quicksand.
Unless you maintain control over yourself, the relationship is doomed. That seems to be the theme of the chapter. So basic bitch 101, you guys, a man notices something from the very first phone message that he leaves on the woman's answering service, whether she's trying too hard. She may be trying too hard to impress them. She may be trying too hard to win them over or she may be trying too hard to be sexy. Whether she's too needy or trying too hard, it has the same effect. The bitch never tries that hard to make an impression.
Jumping through hoops often has a negative outcome. He sees as an opportunity to have his cake and eat it too. But when you stay just outside his reach, he will stay on his best behavior. When a nice girl jumps through hoops or bends over backwards or overcompensates, she does this without even realizing that because she's got some fantasy that he will complete her.
to heed the spark from fizzling. It's something best to stay ever so slightly just outside a man's reach because it charges up his batteries. The nice girl fails to take a breather because her fantasy is that that he's the one or that he's her soulmate or that he just gets her even though they just met. But this fantasy is a liability because it feeds some random view that he is the center of her life when he's not and should never be, at least in the beginning. Another reason a lot of women rush into a relationship is because of fear.
The bitch is not governed by fear of losing a man because she knows the real price to pay is when she loses herself almost immediately women give themselves up in small ways like we explained previously. The commutative effect of these subtle concessions however is what amounts to feeling so depleted at the end of a relationship.
Here's the cycle. She develops this point of view that what he gives is absolutely vital. Because of the fantasy she gives up every day needs. She feels more and more drained by continuously trying harder, believing that he'll be the one to make her feel fulfilled again. He senses her willingness to exert herself and he relaxes what he gives even more.
She senses this and now she works even harder to jump through more hoops. The cycle gets worse and worse as she becomes more and more depleted. Does that sound familiar to you? Yeah. So the solution, lose the fantasy. And if you feel that you are going to resent something after you give it, then don't give it. Give only what feels comfortable to give. This will enable you to stay firmly planted with both feet on the ground.
I recently started throwing out a lot of the different appliances that have in my kitchen because I didn't realize how many toxins a lot of them have. So I started doing loads of research and then I found this website from ourplace.com and they have such better appliances, not to mention their appliances where you care about their environment. I mean, did you know the most cookware and appliances are made with forever chemicals?
And our place is a mission-driven and female-funded brand that makes beautiful kitchen products that are cheaper and are healthy and sustainable. Their products are made without any PFAS and Teflon. And in comparison, most of today's non-stick pans contain PFAS, by the way, also known as AKA forever chemicals.
which are under increasing global scrutiny for their impact on the environment and our health. Recognizing their impact, the EU even plans to prohibit PFAS by 2025. So obviously, our place is ahead of its time. Most coquare brands continue to use these chemicals due to their low costs, but not our place.
In addition to cookware, PFAS are also frequently used in appliances, especially air fryers, yeah. Pressure cookers, crock pots, and even the rim of blenders. That is why our place came out with non-toxic appliances that are changing the game. I personally just got their mini oven from their website. I'm obsessed with them. It's called the Wonder Oven. It's basically six-in-one air fryer and toaster oven with steam infusion.
I got it for $150. Yeah, it's that cheap and you guys can get it as well. I got it in the color steam, but they also have spice, they have blue salt, they have char, they have everything you want and more. So find out why our place has 75,000 5-star reviews on their award-winning products and why they've been mentioned the New York Times, Bon Appetit and so many more places.
That's why you see our place in everyone's kitchen for my kitchen, to Selena Gomez, to David Beckham. Sometimes you don't have to break the bank to have beautiful appliances in your kitchen. They also work for you. So upgrade to our place today and say goodbye to forever chemicals in your kitchen.
go to from ourplace.com and enter my code, adulting a checkout to receive 10% off site wide. That is from ourplace.com using my code, adulting. Our place offers a hundred day trial with free shipping and returns. You're welcome. You're going to love it. So go check it out.
When I first bought my house, I was really into feng shui. And part of feng shui is basically understanding color patterns and what it means when you see it in front of you. It completely changes your mood. For example, I have green because it not only helps with my workflow and creativity, but it enhances my memory. That's why I have in my living room, I have in my podcast room.
So that's what I want to share why I'm so obsessed with the new Pilot Pen G2 boost collection from their number one selling gel ink brand. Not only do I love their pens and they're my go-to when I journal, when I'm writing stuff for work, but they are America's favorite gel ink pen.
They harness the power of color science and they bring color inspiration and they empower focus to your next written task. This is why I wanted to teach you about specific colors and how they affect the way we feel and what we think. Like for example, when I'm writing with their pink pens, it's been shown to stimulate a sense of calm and optimism. So normally when I'm manifesting, I use their pink pen in order to manifest what I'm looking for. Then their blues stimulate your productivity.
That's normally what I use if for work and things like that. Then the shades of green, when I'm using their green pen, I use it when I'm enhancing memory and I'm trying to be creative when I'm working on my podcast. Basically their new collections designed to fuel your writing and helps you maximize your mindset with the power of color only from G2 America's favorite gel ink pen. These curated color packs are completely unique. There's nothing else out there like them. They are of different colors that have been proven.
genuinely literally proven to stimulate the limbic area of the brain which manages our emotional responses, motivation and memory. Studies have shown that the vibrant array of colors featured in these G2 packs can literally help you shape your mindset by either calming your nerves, fueling creativity, enhancing your memory or improving productivity.
Did you know that, for example, brighter paintings create momentum while lighter shades are soothing and comforting darker shades of blue are known to help improve problem-solving decision-making, lighter shades aid in focusing on detail. Darker shades of purple embody a sense of luxury, mystery, sophistication. While lighter shades evoke imagination, creativity, darker shades of green improve memory. They enhance problem-solving while the lighter shades of green evoke positive thinking, a sense of balance. I'm telling you guys,
The fact that literally your pen can make the biggest difference on your mood and whatever it is that you're doing that day, I think it's amazing. You don't even have to go and buy new furniture or sit in a room that's painted in green. You can just have a green pen in order to calm your nervous system. So go get your pens. Today, Amazon is their only retailer with these pen pouches. I'm obsessed with them and you will be too.
Principal number 50, the nice girl gives away too much of herself when pleasing him regularly becomes more important than pleasing herself. A woman I know shared a story about a man she dated. After two dates, the man asked her to take him to the airport at 4am. Yeah, you heard me, 4 in the morning. On their second date, he was coordinating while she was listening. So you can get up at 4am, then pick me up at 5am, get to the airport at 6am, go home by 7am, shower, get to work by 8am.
Here's a novel idea that never crossed his mind he could pay twenty bucks for a taxi for a shuttle rather than a young crowd of bed is such a ridiculous hour special after two dates right so she politely said i'm sorry i think i'm going to be busy and he said what do you mean busy busy doing what sleeping and she smiled and politely said yes.
If he acts as though it's perfectly normal for you to jump through hoops for him, do not let that be your guide. Ignore what he says when he says, oh, I'm spiritual. Don't listen. Just look at how he acts. If he said he was spiritual, but then he expects a lot of unholy compromising, let your observations be your guide. Principle number 51, the relationship may not be right for you if you find yourself jumping through hoops. When something is right, it will feel easier and much more effortless. Just remember,
It's not about a man this is your life and it's too precious to waste do things when it's convenient especially if it's regarding your relationships of choice and who you let in on the inside you will yield a much better return an investment especially in the dignity department.
So in conclusion, even though we're supposed to talk about what you do, the shows that you're needy, the whole point is that when you lose yourself and you lose your hobbies and you lose yourself completely in a relationship, a man will notice. So even if you're not calling nonstop, making your whole life, your relationship is what will make you look needy, is what will suddenly say the guy, oh,
I mean, I'm in love with her, but I don't think I love her as much as she loves me. I genuinely believe this and this has been the advice from my mother for so many years and take it or leave it. But when it comes to relationships from the beginning to the end, the man has to love the woman just a little bit more. And I know it sounds ridiculous and so many people may disagree, especially if they're in a relationship where they're right now loving the man more, but it's so true.
watch the difference of how much a man will jump through hoops for you when he loves you just a little bit like a tiny bit you can barely notice a little bit but just a little bit more that's the difference and especially in the beginning don't rush to that fantasy.
don't drop everything you're doing hoping the other person will fulfill you because that's why a lot of times you feel so empty after a breakup because you let go of all the things they used to represent who you were in the hopes that what he had to offer is so much better and then when he doesn't because your expectations were to be honest too much when you expect someone else to fulfill you your whole life.
Then you end up being disappointed and then he's confused on why the point and that's what a lot of times relationships don't work out because you guys didn't discuss the expectations in the beginning or one of the partners had too many expectations or one of the partners wasn't pulling their weight try to enter your next relationship differently this time.
by focusing on yourself. It doesn't mean that you're playing games. It means that you're not devoting all of your time for someone else you just met. It means that you still have me time. It means that you don't forget about your hobbies. It means that you're not rushing to the phone every two seconds when he's calling or texting you. It means that you're smarter of who you are letting into your life. It means that you're paying attention, especially in the beginning dates of what the man is saying to you and how he's acting.
Men will say a lot of words, especially in the beginning of dating doesn't mean you have to listen, listen to their actions when they say they're going to call or they're calling when they say they're going to pick you up are they showing up on time when they say they want to go on this next day with you are they actually planning that next day with your was it just words pay attention to their actions.
You don't have to complain, oh, you're not doing this and this to me. Just learn and understand, oh, that's this person character. This is what I'm getting into. And then ask yourself, is this something I see myself putting up with? Is this enough for me? This making me feel loved? Am I enjoying this? If something starts to feel like work, then it's not the right person for you. Don't stay with that person. And then, in the end, end up being the needy one because you're just begging for them to be someone different.
pay attention to who people are because they usually tell you in the beginning. Anyway, besties. I love you. And I can't wait for Thursday's episode. And don't forget to subscribe to my premium podcast and please leave me a five star review. If you enjoyed today's episode, love you. Bye.
