About Cocktails: Who is the worst person at a bar?

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What I will say is, ice is one of the most important. What sort of ice? Cold? Yep. Excellent. Hi, I'm Joe Marla. And I am Tom Ford Ice. And this is Things People Do. Some people do amazing things on this show. We meet zookeepers, politicians, astronauts, and some people who do other things, like

recruitment. Cheesemakers. Drainage engineers because everyone is interesting if you ask the right questions. See, I used to hate people but this podcast has changed me and now I can't get enough of people and the weird and wonderful things they do. And so you just surrounded by penguin shite and baby penguins. It's great that the noise is incessant and the smell is intolerable.

It's not really a football game. We're playing on a professional-sized pitch in front of 60,000 people. It's still quite a big deal. Ravens have mug kids for Doritos. Oh, they love a Doritos. On the show today. Hi, I'm George, and I'm an exologist. You need to be drinking water if you're going to have a few cocktails. Because of the strength of... Well, yeah, you're just going to get trolleyed. And then I've got a second whiff of a cocktail, and I've gone... I don't think I'm going home.

We're going out, aren't we? It's not an exact science. Is it an exact science? It is an exact science. Oh, right. Yeah. Ooh, I do love a cocktail, Tom. Hang on. Are we getting pissed in this episode? I'm not ruling it out, Joe. I would like to know who invented the first ever cocktail. Me too. Welcome to Things People Do.

George, you're a mixologist, but you're not a mixologist, I understand. Yes. I think in the industry, if you call yourself an exologist, you're known as a bit of a tosser. It's a bit like if you were a bricklayer and you called yourself a engineer of concrete rectangles, you'd be like, you're not, you're a bricky.

Do you know what I mean? I do, yeah. It's a bit of a fancy word for what you actually do. Yeah. And I think in our industry, there's a lot of egos and a lot of things going on. So, yeah, bartender is the common name you'd call each other. I think, yeah, if you were on the bar and you'd call yourself, I'm George, I'm an exologist. I hear what you're saying. Come on, mate. Yeah, I get it. You're doing what? You're on a bar and you're tending it. You're a...

You're a bartender. Specialising in cocktails. There we go. Unfortunately, for you though, George, this episode is all about mixology. So, for the purpose of that, you are going to be that tosser. Hi, I'm George, I'm a mixologist. Do you love a cocktail, Joe?

I love a cocktail. What's your favourite? Dark and Stormy. Of course it is, of course. That's my go-to. Whenever we mention a cocktail in this entire episode, George, can you just intervene straightaway and just go through its constituent parts? I'll try me best. Let's try that again. Joe, do you like a cocktail?

Of course I do, so I'm a big, wonky, dark and stormy fan. Well, as a mixologist, it's rum. Yep, typically a certain type of rum. I don't know what, if I can say brands for sure. Fucking brand away.

fine, but usually it's lime juice, ginger beer, and a navy strength rum that floats on the top. You can mix it up, you can change rums. This is the thing. In cocktails, there's no school, so you learn on the job and you learn from the people that are above you. For instance, some people say a dark and stormy should be made X way, and it should be made up of its constituent parts, but you can

play around with what goes in it. You can use different types of ginger beer. You know, Fenton and ginger beer is a little bit more spicy. It's too spicy. It's too spicy. It's too spicy, and it's too bubbly. Yeah. Honestly, it's not my go-to would be the brown bottle, the Jamaican. Oh, see, that's got a bit of spice to it, too, though. Isn't that fiery? It is fiery, but it's flat-out for me. The bubbles aren't as big. They've discontinued it. What? Yes. Yeah. Why? I don't know. What the fuck?

You're back on the Fentimans. Well, I've got to find a new fucking cocktail. I ain't fucking having Fentimans. Maybe you'll have to get used to it. You bad mouthed them. It's come on a bit. I'm not bad mouthed Fentimans. I am bad mouthed Fentimans. Fentimans are just beating you on the arse. Unless Fentimans wants to sponsor this podcast, I will continue to bad mouthed them in a darkened stormy fashion.

Fuck safe Yeah, I don't know why I saw it on Instagram the other day and it hit me like it hit you Yeah, and I don't drink it that much, but I thought no surely not Joe as you know my favorite cocktail. Yeah is hang on

Oh, no. Godfather. Go, George. What? It would be Amaretto and Whiskey. No, like mixer with it. No. George, what would be your favourite? Like, as a punter. As a punter. What's your favourite? Honestly, something that's pink and fluffy. Making drinks all the time. We go on spirit forwards, drinks that are a little bit more heavy on the spirit forward, but sometimes just something pink and fluffy. A porn star martini, but once again in the industry, it's very frowned upon.

I've worked in bars where you knock out 300 of them a day. What's in it? You just got vodka, passion fruit, a little bit of vanilla, a few extra juices and bits and bobs, and then a bit of second on the side. But sometimes something sweet, because I'm not meant to like it. I'm meant to like something a little bit more complex like a Negroni.

Hang on, what is the groaning? The groaning is sweet deliciousness. The groaning is gin, sweet, and kampari. And I find kampari is too bitter for me. What's kampari? I thought that was that fried shit from the sea.

Are you making that into a screen? Yeah. Is that not it? It's Italian bitter, the cure. But it's extremely bitter. Imagine just running your tongue across that carpet. It is very dry. Honestly, George, that's the view of the show. We don't have to imagine that. Right. One second.

Oh, you're not doing that. If you were going to run your tongue along the carpet in the studio today, Joe, you might want to run it on the far side towards George's right foot because I can aspire a number of beverages over there and a number of tools of the bartender's trade. Yeah, but there's loads of fucking crumbs there. And a lot of carpet.

George, how long have you been making cocktails for? About 10 years now. So 28 now, I started when I was 18. Why? Why? I left school, went to college, played a bit of cricket, realised I wasn't very good and then needed a job. And when I was 17, I lied and said I was 18.

And then got a job working in a nightclub in Bath. Yeah, stuff. And they're really, and then a few opportunities came up within the same sort of company to, they call it barback. And then the barback essentially will polish your glasses, fill up your eyes. If your vodka is empty, they'll swap it out. You're like, they call it like the kitchen porter in the kitchen. You know, the guy that just does it. Yeah, like the hair sweeper in a barber's. Yeah, yeah, the bloke that just doesn't want to, you know, all the jobs you don't want to do. Yeah. Started of that.

Yeah, I've been doing it for 10 years. Enjoy it. It's a really, it's a very thankless job, working in hospitality in general. But it's a very rewarding job at the same time. You get to have a lot of fun. I think that's the main thing. You have to be quite a sociable person, which then also means when you have your days off, you don't really want to be so sociable. Yeah. It's a bit like, I'm just going to start on the sofa. I don't wear strong boots. Strong boots. I know, and you day off, no. Oh, no, that's fine. Oh, yeah, of course.

Can we name some cocktails, Joe? You name a standard cocktail, a classic cocktail. George, you can break the stereotype by telling me which sort of person you might ordinarily serve that to. That's great, evil. Ask me that, Tom, because I've got the original five here in front of me. Apparently, this is the big five of the cocktail world, apparently, according to my source, which is Google. Google. We've got Martini. Yeah. Classic, go to, shake and not stirred. Never understood that. Why does he want it shaken, not stirred?

Shaken Nosterd came from James Bond. The way they span it was when it's shaken, when you will do it later with the tins, when you shake a cocktail, you aerate and you break off the little corner bits of the ice. So when you pour it out, you'll have a martini and then you'll have a little layer of ice across the top. And they used to say James Bond would just sit that top layer because it's water, so it wouldn't get drunk. So you can go shoot and drive and court lay in something that's what it did.

Okay, I quite like that story. I'm happy to buy it. That's then turned into what is now called a Vespa martini, which is a style of martini where you do shake it rather than stir it. There's another technique called throwing where you're essentially pouring liquid from one tin into another through the air into the other, and that will give it air bubbles, which then gives it viscosity in your mouth. This is why they call us a mixologist.

I'm here for this. I am here for this. Would James Bond not have been better ordering a mocha town? Yes. Yeah, non-alcoholic bit. How's that bang out Tom? I don't know if that would do a street cred any good though. Not quite the same is it? Give us a little blast of James Bond ordering.

You've done this every time we do James Bond, you can't settle on and particularly iteration of James Bond. I think you need to first of all, are you going Connery, are you then more? Hello. Yes, I would like a matine. A matine. Hello there, bartender. Hello. I would like a cheque.

All right, I'm just going to be me as Jane Bond. OK, so I'm here. Oh, I'm here. Look, I'm here on a job. Don't ask me what it is. It's top secret. I ask no questions. Tell no lies. Yeah. So I mean, what I need you to do is make me a martini, but I need it to be a mock version of it. Yeah, it's tough. Is it? Is it doable? Not in our current bar. Unfortunately not, no.

Right. Martini being most part of it is pure alcohol. Right. Okay. It's a bit of an issue then. Yeah. Okay. I tell you what. Actually, the whole drink is pure alcohol. Right. What mocktails have you got? Water's good. I can make your martini. Yeah. I make your water in a martini glass garnish it so it looked like you're drinking a martini. It's exactly what I'm looking for.

Got you. So do that. It'll be 5th to 10 pounds, please. Thank you. Fuck it, pardon. I'm here on the Bloody King's Secret Service. Well, yeah, I know. Well, use that company card. Put 10% on. All right, OK. I'm not haggling over 15 quid. Just make me the bloody drink and watch me fucking do my shit.

I'm like a good boss. Pound. Oh, finger. Oh, that's the wrong one. OK, moving on. Manhattan. Yeah, it's whiskey, sweet vermouth and bitters. Sweet vermouth. Sweet vermouth is like a fortified wine. Does that mean it's strong?

Yeah, it's higher in ABV, which is alcohol. So it's higher in ABV, and you have to have wormwood, which is a type of botanical, if you will, to be called sweet for mouth, it has to have wormwood in it. What is a botanical? A botanical, I guess, is like a flavoring. You find it in gin a lot. Gin minus the botanicals is essentially vodka. What, really? It's a bit of, yeah, it's a

is sort of a neutral grain spirit, you'd call it. And then you take that neutral grain spirit, you add whatever botanicals you like, typically orange peels, it has to have juniper in it to be called gin. History, same again. Grapefruit peels.

anything you really want. Any sort of bitter, if you will. You have all different types of bitters, but it's essentially a bittering agent. The most famous is Angostura bitters, which you'll see in a bottle with a white label and a yellow cap. The label just sits above the shoulder of the bottle. And that's, you know, it's got like hundreds of herbs and spices and it's, you know, boiled down into something really, really strong and punchy and bitter and bitter. So you add that in a dash form.

What's an old-fashioned? An old-fashioned is similar format to the Manhattan, but it's slightly different. It's whiskey, sugar and bitters. It's slightly sweeter than it. It's a slightly sweeter. Yeah, Manhattan will be slightly drier. But Manhattan, you don't serve on ice. In an old-fashioned, you serve on ice. So that's the top three of the original five so far. How am I doing? Is it part of the original five? It sounds about, right? OK. What about a daiquiri?

Dakari is called the Bartender's favorite. Oh, is it your favorite? It's one of my favorites. And why so? Because it's three ingredients. It's rum, larmy sugar. It takes not a lot of time to make. So when you're ordering it with a bartender who's got tickets everywhere and it's a busy Saturday night, it's easy for him. It tastes good. International drinking rules means you have to neck the first one.

Sorry. You had me for a little bit. Oh, he was going to go into, like, legit international. Yeah, but you're talking from international drinking rules. Yeah. You have to, like, as a game, you have to be a bit more serious in the game. Okay. It's definitely more serious. Are we talking along the same lines as left-hand drinking only along those five?

If you park your drink, or you park your vessel, it has to be it. Within a thumbs, yeah. Yeah, it has to be further than a finger length away, otherwise you, you know, call some men. The problem is with daiquiris though, is if you have too many, you better have a pack of wrennies in your pocket, because it's a lot of lime juice. So you start getting the old. Reflux. Reflux if you are, yeah. Well, that's the four then. And then my fifth, I'm not sure about this one, is a side car.

Yeah, a sidecar is typically cognac, lemon juice and triple sack. That's punchy. Over ice or...? No, shake and serve straight up. That will do some damage. The thing is with cocktails is you have to be sensible within reason. You have to know when you're going into drinking a fair few cocktails. If you go to a cocktail bar worth its salt, they'll always be topping up your water. And that's not because, oh, they don't want you to drink, whatever. But you need to be drinking water if you're going to have a few cocktails.

because of the strength of it. Yeah, you're just going to get trolied. I guess when you get a beer or you stand a pint or a bottle beer, you know like the units in there. And the same thing, I'm sure you know as much as I know and you know, that's my limit on pints. Yeah. I can have X amount of pints and I have to call it a day. But because cocktails are so delicious, nice and always interesting, you might get yourself a bit carried away. Absolutely trolied. And then you get, you stand up and someone's nicks your legs.

Joe, what's been your best and your worst experiences on a night of cocktails? Well, I tend to only drink cocktails if I go for a night away with Daisy, and we really like go for it. It's a romance in the cocktail, isn't it? There is a romance, and it is something different, isn't it? You've got a little bit more time on your hands to actually go through a menu and go, oh yeah, what's that one? Oh yeah, let's try that one, let's try that one.

I do like a cocktail. Why is it called cocktail? Once again, there's five or six different reasons as to why. Choose the one that you think you'd like to go with. It's a stupidest one. I'm going to choose because it's a stupidest one. OK.

I don't know the specific dates on it, but I'm just going to go around the edges on this one. Don't ask me to elaborate, because I wasn't there. A guy stuck a piece of ginger up a horse's... A noose. A noose? Yeah. A big piece of ginger. I wasn't there. I don't really imagine it was a thumb size.

The thumb-sized piece of ginger upper horse a nose. And the tail cocked. But it did. And there was some reasoning behind X, Y and Z as to why. Once again, I don't really. How did that become a drink? I don't really know why it became. It's the same. Unless the horse had the runs. Well, maybe. Which you might do after having a thumb-sized piece of ginger round up its a nose. Yeah. Maybe that's quite an efficient way of getting the goodness from the ginger. A ginger suppository.

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I think we should jump straight in, Tom. What do you think? You are an athlete. Former athlete. You are a former rugby player. You're a transitioning former athlete. You are allowed to take beverages. We're recording this, Joe. The half-post four in Wednesday afternoon. Yeah. Yeah. The athlete in you says no. The new Joe in you says yes. Filming the athlete. I also say yes. Let's get some fucking cocktails in there. What we got, George? So I'm going to give you a quick... First of all, I'm going to need some ice.

Oh, that's Vicki's got on the ice. What I will say is ice is one of the most important... What sort of ice?

Cold? Yep. Excellent. Like crunchy type. Do you like squares of ice, round bits of ice, crushed ice? So here we go. Ice is a very, very important part of a cocktail. And you'd almost go as far as saying Demost and pour part of the cocktail. Wow. Would you have guessed that, Tom? No. So ice, in general, is the biggest makeup of your drink. It goes into shaking your drink or it goes into keeping your drink cold.

Now, the bigger the ice, because you've got bigger surface area, the slower the ice melts. So, you know, when you go into a cocktail bar and you see them with the massive ice cubes, and people go, they're trying to steal our money, because we don't have as much cocktail. It's actually wrong. We've all gotten a bath before. You sit and a bath, the water goes up. It's the same with ice. You take that big ice cube out, and you put 10 small ones in, and it's still going to be the same amount.

Yeah. So ice is important because if you have crap ice, it dilutes into your drink. So if you have really pure clean ice, that pure water is going to dilute into your drink. So therefore the tasting is going to be better. If you have, you know, if you're at home and you have ice out the freezer or, you know, bag, that's absolutely fine. But as a bar,

you want the best quality ice you can have. And that comes in, you know, different shapes, different sizes. Crushed ice, once again serves for different styles of drinks. Arguably dilutes the slowest because it's so compact. Yeah. And then small ice cubes, you imagine if you have a small ice cube. So it's the biggest pet peeve of them. We get Sheila coming. I'll have a gin and tonic, two ice cubes, because I don't want to dilute my drink, because you're filling it with ice. And you go, well, the more ice in that glass, the colder it is.

So the less the ice is going to melt good, right? So you put two ice cubes in. It's not going to be as cold. It's going to melt quicker. It's going to dilute. But you can't say that to Sheila across the butt. I'd like to. You can. I can. Sheila, discipline me. Sheila, you're barred. Get out of my pub. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, ice is important. Hang on, have you ever barred anyone? Yeah, a couple of times.

A couple of times. It seems quite casual about it. It comes part of the job, but there's a job where you have to be people's therapists across the bar. When we were talking about, stereotyping is a bad word. Let's call it reading the customer. Nice. Good rebrand. You read customers, you constantly on, you see them come in, are they a little bit drunk?

where are they at in the evening? Are they at the start of their evening? At the end of their evening, are they on a date? Are they on a first date? Are they with friends? Do they want to have a conversation? Do they not want to have a conversation? So you're always sort of reading people and trying to make sure that everyone's getting what they need. And sometimes people just get cholied and you just have to like get out son, get out.

We don't have bouncers, we're in my bar. It's not my bar, but where I work, because it's quite a chilled atmosphere, and it's not open super late night, and it's bath, so you don't get too much trouble anyway. No, bloody trouble around here, bloody boys. Get me my new crony. Well, there was that clip of the people from the Growny Spaggliata, yeah. It was the Game of Thrones actresses talking to each other again.

What's your favorite drink? And then one of them goes, a Negroni. And then the other one goes to interrupt her. We go and think that was the end. And she went, Spagliata with Prosecco. And I was like, I just kept watching this clip because of the way she kept saying these words. I was like, Oh my God. So is it an actual drink? It is an actual drink. Spagliata. Yeah.

So here's the thing. Cocktails follow trends. Like most other things in the world, they follow trends. And with social media being what it is now, you see a lot of people making drinks. And things like that happen. So Negroni Spagliato is essentially no gin.

but Prosecco. So people would order an agroni spagliato, which is Prosecco, sweet vermouth and campari, with Prosecco in it, and you could like it. Thanks for that one. According to Ryan, spagliato means fuck up. I believe it means fuck up. Then grony comes from a bloke called Count Negroni, who created the drink, and then I think some guy made it wrong. It's called a spagliato.

But it's essentially that Prosecco, Sweden, with Campari. So cocktail wise, I've brought two cocktails for you to try against each other. Yes. So you can then see if you can tell me which one is which. Is there a specific way of drinking cocktails? Through them, through the mouth. Unless you're right. Hang on home, let's pretend George isn't here.

And let's have a conversation between me and you. Hi, John. Hi. So that George fella, like some of the stuff he's come back to us with. I've got so much time for it. You like the combativity of it, don't you? Oh, it's really good. It really catches me a lot. He's not taking a backwards step and that's your... No, I love it. That's your groove. Yeah.

Let's fucking do him. Also, in answer to your questions, don't bartenders do the little straw dip. What's that? Where you put a straw in and then you put your finger up there, under the straw, pop in your mouth, release the finger, releasing the liquid. Oh, the same as a chef.

You're checking the seasoning, you're checking the taste and all that. OK, because on a busy, you know, a busy Saturday night, you've got bottles everywhere. If you've accidentally put the wrong thing in. And that same thing, if you're, you know, wedding anniversary with your wife, you've paid £12 for the drink. Fucking am the rest. Yeah.

Yeah. And you get it and it tastes like shit because the bloke behind the bars, he's put the wrong thing in by accident. And that's your last line of the fence to taste everything and go, that tastes fine. I can then send that out to the customer. It could. Essentially, yeah. But that's also fun because you at least have four to five cocktails a night through. So these cocktails, a traditional cocktail, or are they one that you've made up? There's two traditional cocktails and then one that I've made up.

Let's do this thing. Are we going to divert our gaze here? Do we want to try and guess without seeing what you're doing, George? What's the preferred format to you? Do you guys can make them? I do it all day for a living. OK.

So I'm just warming my wrist up. Which gadgets do you need to talk about? These are the ones from work. One fits inside the other. One fits inside the other. And essentially that is your standard tin. You can get different shapes, different sizes. There you go. Next gadget. So another piece of equipment.

So what do you call these? These are tins. We got the tins. This is a jigger, which is called a jigger. Jigger jigger. So you've got on one side, different jiggers and different sizes, different millage, if you will. This one's a 50 and a 25. And if you look inside of there, you've got 10, 20, 30, 40, 50. Yeah. Five, 10, 15, 20, and then 25. OK. So you can see in there, you've got little lines. So that's very pleasing in the hen this, Joe, the jigger.

That is a sieve. It's not a sieve, but you're close to it. It's a strainer. Strainer. It's the strainer. Once again, we don't have too many technical terms. No. A strainer, and that essentially keeps the ice in the tin and lets the drink out the tin. Yeah. OK, thank you. Just like this, Joe. That, my friend, is a miniature sieve. It's a double strainer. A double strainer. Used for or a fine strainer. Well, the fuck could tee me up there?

When you make cocktails, like we spoke about, shaking it, you end up with small ice shards. So you're going to pour your drink through there into the glass so you don't get ice shards in your drink. And that is what you'd call a bar spoon. This is a spoon which has got a handle on it, which is about 12 inches long. Yeah. It's a bar spoon. A spoon for the bar.

And there you go. She makes some drinks. I say, fuck you. Very thirsty Joanna, mate. I bought some glasses with me from work. I'm going to have one as well. Yeah, be rude not to. Right, I knew you were one.

Fuck off. How is the ice that Vicki has sourced for us? Yeah. Sorry, Vick. Sorry, Vick. It's not great. I mean, you know, I think... It's not the purest of ice. Is it from a 24-hour garage? It looks a bit, but that's fine. You know, you work with what you got. I think it's important. Now, how do everyone do this? Another thing you shouldn't do, but we're going to do it because we're in a studio, not in a bar.

You should never really put your hands on the ice. You're sat across me from the bar. Dirty. It just looked weird. So what you want to do, I'll let you do it because it's your drink. You want to put your ice in for you, Tom? Thank you, sir. You want to put a bit of ice in your glass first.

Is that to cool the glass? Yeah, you want... A lot of bars will have freezers. Yeah. That keeps the glass cold. Essentially, you're fighting against temperature, really. You want the drink to be as cold as possible. Okay. We might need a vessel to put the ice somewhere when we're done with it. Okay. But you eat ice. Why do you want to see ice? I'm blue.

It's not going to fill you up. What's the meaning of how they film out? It's peaceful, it's very well made nice, because as yours is your point of view, one of the clear aspects of mixology is to keep the drink as cold as possible. Yeah, yeah. So we're keeping the glass cold. And then I'm keeping my mouth cold. Like it. Don't say?

I'm going to see how it goes for you. So, if you pass the tin, the other tin and bits and bobs over, we'll have to make it sort of, we'll make it one by one so you guys, you know, so what I'm going to do is I'll demonstrate and then we'll just work our way around and hopefully by the time you've made yours, I've finished mine. Yeah.

and then we'll just keep them until we fall over. This is tequila. Tequila tequila! I brought a bit from the bar because otherwise I'd be coming around with an absolute heat-loaded tequila. Is this legit tequila or tequila? I hate to be that pessimist. Is it the water down tequila? No, no, I wouldn't. You wouldn't do that. No, because what I've realised on this episode is you're a purist. Thank you.

You're a proper top quality, absolute wonky mixologist. There you go. And that is exactly what we were looking for. And I love it. I love everything about you. Thank you, Joe. I appreciate that. That's the most anyone's ever said to me. What are you doing? Just circulating me. Concentrate. Tequila. George is eating. You're going to want 40 milliliters. I remember I said it goes 10, 20, 30, 40. Yeah. It's the line just before the tops. I'm going to pour that for you because I'm pretending you've done it. OK.

Now, what else you're going to do is you're going to need some triple sec, which is like an orange. That'll cure. And you're going to put 20 millilitres of that in. So you're going to want to hold the jigger nice and straight. Probably straight on up, yeah. On an angle. Yeah, because the lines are like straight. There you go. Delightful aroma. And you guess it is to all that is. That is lime juice. Look at this man. My man.

All comes out quick. Oh yeah, I like the sound of that dropping in there. So essentially you've got tequila, lime juice, triple sec. And then what I tend to do is add a tiny bit of sugar syrup because the triple sec we use at work.

isn't your shop bought stuff. We get it in from a bar in Bristol who make their own. So use real orange peels, make a distillate from it and then sort of water it down and put some sugar in it. But it doesn't mean it's not as sugary as the stuff you'd get on the typical market. So just to be able to add a little bit of sugar in that sort of rounds everything off. And sugar also gives a mouth feel to a cocktail.

So it's 40 of tequila, 20 lime. That's it. 20 strip or strip. And five mils. Just a dribble of the sugar. Right. So we've got four ingredients in our tin. Correct. You launched the icing. Fill the small tin up with ice all the way to the top. When did you last wish your hands? Three days ago. Perfect. And bear in mind I shit five times a day. So you do the math.

So you're going to take the top of the shaker, top it on the top, yeah? You don't want it to come off, especially if you, you know, election it. So you always put big on top? Correct. Yeah. And then what you always do is the smaller bit of the shaker goes facing away from you. I haven't really got the rhythm. Can you maybe do me a tune? No. Oh. One thing I will say is, Joe, you've got to shake it. Like, give it a shake.

It's nearly come off. You've got to put it on top. I'll hold it. Give it a shake. Yeah, there you go. Looks slightly like something else. Breathe. Stop. That stuff is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen you do.

George, what we got? I'm out of breath. You can stop. OK. Because if you over shake it, you lower the dilute it. Don't want to do that. You've got a watery drink. You don't want that. Same thing again, you're paying £12. Do you want a watery drink? No, I fucking don't. No one does. No. Hold the tin with the bottom half and the top half in one hand. I'll show you first.

That is really cool. Yeah. So you're going to hold it like so. So you've got both sets of the tins. And then where the tins meet each other, that's where you're going to whack. OK. And that's why it's not. You can't open that. Now it's got cold. Yeah. So you're essentially going to hold them together because when you hit that, that's going to come loose. OK. And you hit it, click. Oh, come at a treat. Yeah, there you go. So you've got just two fingers on each tin. Yeah. And then you bang it. There you go.

It doesn't open. And then you bang it. And then we do is you put two fingers on each tin and then you go back. There you go. Third time's the charm. Now what you want to do is chuck away the ice in your glass. That would just be for one drink. Once you've poured that one drink, I'll make two for you two.

because it might be a little bit with respect. Oh, you strain it, yes. Come on. All right, so that one goes in the tin. Here we go. Look at that. Joey's pouring it through the strainer into the first of the three glasses. Oh, my God. It looks delicious. Make sure you get all of it. That was 12 pounds.

So there's no need for any additional ice because both the glass and the cocktail was mixed with ice. This is a... So in a perfect world, if we're going to get for nicotine here, I'd say that's over diluted. But I can tell because the amount that we put in, the tins to the amount that's in the glass is too high up the glass. Now that's whether Josie is shaking it too much. I wouldn't say that was the case. I'd say the ice is too small.

Yeah. But it's still a tasty margarita. We could have put salt on the rim. Get your bean hair out of it, just drink it. But we're in a studio not. Fucking hell. My dead thoughts. Fucking out strong in it. Well, we do it. Do you want me to make? Yeah. Make two. Yeah. It's a delight. It's very refreshing nose on it. What's the alcohol that tastes minion? Tequila. Yeah. Oh my God, it's fucking horrific. You're not a tequila fan. I fucking hate tequila. So the fact what you were putting tequila in it didn't... I completely forgot. What is it? A margarita?

Thanks for watching!

It's not that bad. I'm surprised. Not that punchy, is it? I can't remember. I can't remember the last time I had a tequila and that's all I could say. You see any time you drink anything with lime juice in it. You have a couple, two or three of them. You need to start getting a runny on. Whilst you're making these, George, I'd quite like to play a little game with you and Tom. And the game is called Real or Fake Cocktails. It needs some work on the name. Actually, no, there has been some work on the name. It's called Cocktail or Nottail.

Rusty Nail. The Rusty Nail, I think the Rusty Nail is familiar, Joe, from cocktail menus that I perused in the past. I'm going to say the Rusty Nail is a cocktail. You are correct. Would you like to take a guess at what's in it? Rusty, so they're saying brown, which will probably actually be orange, because brown is not an attractive colour for drink. So it's got orange juice and brandy.

No. No. Let's go, George. Whisky. And... Drampooie. Is it Drampooie? Yes, it is. Sorry. I'm pissed already. Who wants to take this one? Tom, you shake this whilst you're going. I'm the quiz master tonight. Dirty Shirley!

Dirty Shirley sounds like a sea shanty that we used to sing in Portsmouth. Yep. In the 19th section. Give it a good old shade. That is a knocktail for me. You are wrong. It's a cocktail. It is a Shirley Temple. But you add vodka or ram. What about a sweet kitty?

Sweet Kitty, yes, it is. As the name indicates, it's disastrously overly sweet cocktail, which you have one of them and you think it's amazing because it's so sweet. The second one you feel very, very sick. Cocktail. No, it's a nottail. But, Salty Dog is a cocktail. It's gin and grapefruit with a salty rim. Mm, don't go salty a bit more. What about cock on the block? Cock on the block!

The cock on the block is a not-tell because no one would order. No, but they would because people order sex on the beach, bloody blah, yes, Joe, a... What's it called again? Cock on the block. A cock on the block is a cocktail. It is a not-tail. What about a corpse reviver? Hang on, George, what have you made us here? I've just made the margarita. Better. You can have half of mine. No, I don't want it. He thinks I can. No, I didn't like it. You're right, George. Is that better or...? Everything they go on that is better. The corpse reviver.

Corpse Revive... Oh, fuck it up. Fuck it up. It's not better. It's got more tequila in it. That's had quite a bad effects on you. Fuck it. Come on. Yeah, come on, Joe. Corpse Revive... He retired. Fuck it up! Why is it giving me that effect every time? The hairs on your arms are standing up. Corpse Reviver, yes or no? Yes.

Yes, it's cognac, apple brandy and vermouth. Vermouth. Wormwood. What about a hanky-panky? It's a Madonna song, not a cocktail. It's a knottail. It is a cocktail. It's gin, sweet red wine. I'm pissed already. Sweet red wine. Sweet red wine and a fernet branker. What's a fernet brank? It's like an Italian mint sort of digestif. And last but not least, John Daly's dick.

I know a man quit John Daly, so I'm hoping that's a not-tail. Well, isn't he the golfer? Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a cocktail. It's lemonade, iced tea, and vodka. Sounds quite delightful. No, that's all drink. Yeah. And it's nice, I think. After a round of golf. Cocktail on the course, yeah. Yeah, delightful. I'm going to let you put your icing, because I don't know. Probably a little bit on our way, if I'm honest, because I don't drink often, and that's really gone to me quite quickly, and Tom's slow in his words. You don't feel it all the way to the top. What about customers? Like, do you have to...

What's the worst pissed customer you've ever crossed? I think pissed customers are the easiest. Oh. Because they're drunk. Yeah. So you can just be like, mate, I'm not going to serve you anymore. You've had too much. And it's that same way that a... Well, actually, a bouncer, like, where I used to work, you always used to say, if you send people in happy.

They'll come out happy. You send people in pissed off and you're lining yourself up for trouble. So if you just speak to people like normal human beings and just say, me, I don't want to ruin your night, but you've had enough. They usually find the worst people. How do I say this? Sorry. No. So unprovoked. Did you see what he did there? He's gestured towards me.

But the worst people are well-dressed, middle-aged men who've got the coats and doors. It's a shacket. It's a shacket because the studio has got quite cold. It's handling ice. It's a shacket. It's a shacket. I'll let you off. No, they're the people that think it's Sheila with the two ice cubes. They're the worst. I think they know. I'm sure you've had a bloke come to you after a game and been like, if you'd have just dropped down a little bit more in that scrum there, and you're like,

You're a 42-year-old plug. Yeah, but I tend to just kick him in the dick till it beats. You can't really do that. I can't do that, mate. No, you can't need their service. Yes, I'm getting my car fucked off. Have that. Just leave me alone.

This episode of Spotsold Bar, the following exceptional people. Well, I would walk 500 miles. It's Darren Mile. Fab, you lus. Craig Jones, talking to you the songbird yesterday. Alex, Nightingale, the striker, Dave Owen, the newt can at Gav Ward. Read all about it. It's Lorna Tan and Reed. Hey, hey, hello, Matthews.

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I think from you George, what we need here as we make our third and final cocktail is we need the gold standard of behaviour that you would like to see from a cocktail drinker, a prospective customer from the perspective of a bartender. So, Joe, you're walking in. Yep. You're taking your jacket off, even though your bit makes you a bit cold. Let's go.

Excuse me. Hello. Hello, mate. Could I get a drink, please? Of course you can. Would you like to take a seat? At the bar. Yeah, we'd like to take a seat in the bar with me. Yeah. Why don't you grab a seat? Yeah, thanks. I'll get you some water. Punk. There's our menus. Just have a little look. You know, I'm here. I was wondering, maybe... Oh, I haven't heard of this one before. No, I've had enough of John Daly's dick. That's far too much. And the cock on the block, well...

I always do that, so no. What about this one? What about this things people mix or this things people do cocktail? I think we've got a little bit more time so we can make things people do cocktail. This is a cocktail that is purple.

Hello. I thought semi-ahead. Really good. I forgot the lines, but I thought ahead. That's fine. That's good. This here is what you would call a milk punch. Now, I'm going to do this quickly because you said I got to do it quickly. So just strap in and keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle all the time. It's cool. Right. So a milk punch essentially is a style of clarifying. So essentially, what this is is... I've got a lot of clarity. ...is booze. All alone are booze. And have you ever had the mango papaya and passion fruit onc and yogurt?

Yes. The best one. The best one. Yeah. You mix it with the alcohol, then add lime juice. And what happens is the lime juice will split the fats of the yogurt. You can do it in milk. You can do it in milkshake. You can do it with anything fatty. And then you're going to put it through a V60 coffee filter or a muzzling cloth. And what comes through the bottom is completely clear. So you've tasted that before. Have a smell of that. Just on this.

Oh my goodness, Joe, blast on this. I'll make one so he can pass it around. I haven't got enough glass wax, we're still having a drink on that, but. Do you know that reminds me of? Did you ever used to have that? It was like a syrup base, like that that you'd put in the bottom of a glass and then fill up with milk and it would make, you'd crush it. Yeah, crush it, crush it. Yeah, and you'd make the silly cat and stuff. Yes, yes. There's a greasy spoon calf that still does that and bath. Oh my God. Yeah, so I'm going to make it. Have you ever had malleper milk?

Um, I've never had it, but I've, I like the thought of it. You know, it's coconut milk. It kind of, coconut rum milk, kind of makes. It works actually. Makes sure it likes that. It says go to. Is it? Talk us through your making. So you've obviously got all the bog standard and classic cocktails that people ask for.

But do you go outside the box a little bit to make your own? Because you strike me as someone that... Not just myself, but for the most part of the industry that I'm in, bog standard is something you want to stay away from. So you do, you tinker, you play, you can buy... London, we're up in London now, and I'm about to go to a bar afterwards in London. It's a place called Lioness. Get a cab. It's a hotel bar, they're really unpretentious.

but the drinks are just ridiculous, like ridiculously good. So this is the officially things people drink. So we've managed to get... Beautiful. I'm going to hold it up to the light. That is unbelievable. So what are the matching? To get the colour we've used. What is that? Blueflower tea? Yeah. So essentially, you have to mix it with anything and it just seeps out the colour, but not the flavour. This is nice thing. Willy Wonka would come up with.

Yeah, yeah. We've just done classics, but most part of my job is doing that kind of thing. George, that's unbelievable. Can we put the recipe for the things people do cocktail on our socials? I love you, mate. Sorry. I want to see love you. I just really love doing this show. I love meeting people like George. I think he's best. This is great. I want to see. This is most fun. I don't even think we need to go out.

Just stay here. Just stay here. Order in. We can deliver room. Sleep in it. I do sleep in it quite a lot, isn't it? So what's in this again? You've got a neutral grains spirit called monkey, fresh or fresh monkey, which is essentially whiskey before it goes into a barrel for Lernum, which is a Caribbean liqueur.

Jogger that you then clarify, a little bit of soda, some grapefruit bitters, some saline solution. And that is it, really. I would say I've done most of my drinking in my life at a place called the Six Bells in Chidding Line. And in my early drinking days, I used to drink copious amounts of Viptoe, cheeky vee, which was just a blue WKD in a shot of pork. Charlotte Church is favourite, I believe.

Really? That's got a lot of similarities to that, am I afraid? Yeah, no, no, no. I don't mean that in a disrespectful way. So nostalgic to me that actually... That's the main thing about what we do is you're playing on feelings. You'd happily pay £12 for that, so it reminds you of a time that you've had previously in your life. And I think that's what cocktails... And not just cocktails, but hospitality in general does. You go to a restaurant to feel something. You don't just go there to sit, eat, and leave.

It's the experience. Everything's sort of important. What I really love was when you said the reading of the room. You know, especially in my generation, if there's an older couple walking, they might be want to be called so madam. Yeah. But if you walked in, I'd say, hello, mate. I'd do it on a table for one. Now, if I said that. Oh, my God.

Give me one. Why? Fair enough. You know why. But if I said hello, mate, how are you doing? Do you want a table for two? The old bloke would go, mate, really? Yeah. So you have to kind of just read people. Tom. And pick up signs and cues. Do you want that one back? Could you pass that to George and another one, please? George. Hello. Thank you so much for coming on. No, thank you. It's been great. Thank you. We cannot wait for mixology part two.

Or as they say in sweet parry me exology, but the

Right, Joe. It's the morning after night before we kicked on. We kicked on after George. These are the first words I've spoken to any human since we said goodbye at the train station. I'm surprised my voice sounds this good. I'm too old for this, mate.

The hangovers are getting worse the older I get. But the trouble is, those cocktails were going down so nicely. Like, that's the danger of it, isn't it? Like, you're just, all these taste delicious, almost non-alcoholic, but it turns out that the fucking most alcoholic things going.

But having said that, George was absolutely delightful and his cocktails were fantastic. Well, regardless of the state of our head show, that was a lot of fun with George as will be our live show at the Clap on Grand on December the 3rd, which you keep stating is our last ever.

live show, TBC. We have got a pair of fantastic comedians. We've got Susie Ruffle and we've got Jake Lambert. We're going out in style. Joe, we shall see you and everyone in the audience on the third. Crowd network, a place where you belong.

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