#702 - MARK NORMAND + ARI SHAFFIR + SHANE GILLIS
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January 28, 2025
TLDR: Episode features a panel discussion on an unspecified topic with several comedy personalities including Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, Ari Shaffir, and Tony Hinchcliffe.

In episode #702 of the Kill Tony podcast, host Tony Hinchcliffe brings together comedy heavyweights Mark Normand, Ari Shaffir, and Shane Gillis for an uproarious live show from the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas. This episode features a mix of stand-up performances, interviews, and hilarious interactions with audience members, showcasing the unique comedic styles of each guest.
Key Highlights
The Setup
- Tony's Introduction: Hinchcliffe opens the show with high energy, engaging the audience and introducing the talented ensemble. He expresses excitement for having three of his personal favorite comedians back on the show.
- Live Music: The features a lively band, enhancing the atmosphere of the show, adding to the energy of the night.
Comedic Performances
- Stand-Up Routines: Each comedian takes turns performing 60-second sets pulled from a bucket, showcasing their witty material and comedic timing.
- Ari Shafir: Recently released his Netflix special America's Sweetheart, which is a running theme throughout the episode.
- Shane Gillis: Known for his sharp humor and observational comedy, he adds layers to discussions around social topics and his personal experiences.
- Mark Normand: Brings his signature neurotic energy, making jokes about relatable life experiences.
Interactive Segments
- Interviews: After their sets, the comedians engage in interviews where Tony asks them about their lives, careers, and their takes on prevailing topics.
- Jack Shaw: A returning comedian discusses his recent experiences in LA, offering a glimpse into the life of an aspiring comic amid wildfires.
- Audience Participation: Several comedians from the audience get a chance to showcase their humor, leading to unexpected laughs and moments on stage.
Memorable Moments
- Big Vinny's Debut: A comedic character who captures the audience's attention with outrageous jokes and engaging antics.
- Drum Solo Competition: An unexpected twist where an audience member competes to become the drummer for the night, filled with comedic banter.
- Brie Colette’s Unique Talent: Coming onto the show and showcasing her burping talent, eliciting both laughter and confusion.
Themes and Insights
The Nature of Comedy
- Exploration of Identity: Throughout the episode, comedians explore facets of their identities and how these play into their comedic perspectives, creating relatability with their audience.
- Social Commentary: The performances touch on current societal issues, incorporating commentary on contemporary culture, politics, and personal anecdotes, which resonate with a wide demographic.
Engagement with the Audience
- Dynamic Atmosphere: The interactive element of pulling names from a bucket sustains an energetic vibe and keeps both the live audience and remote listeners engaged throughout the performance.
- Response to Performers: The audience’s reactions to the performers prompt unscripted exchanges, emphasizing the spontaneous nature of live comedy.
Takeaways for Listeners
- Comedy is Collaborative: The episode illustrates how comedians can feed off each other, showcasing the beauty of collaboration in the comedy scene.
- Endless Creativity: From improvisation to well-crafted punchlines, the variety displayed emphasizes the limitless boundaries of comedy.
- Relatable Humor: Each performance highlights the importance of connecting with shared experiences and societal norms, a vital component of effective comedy.
Conclusion
Episode #702 of Kill Tony exemplifies the raw energy and unpredictable nature of live comedy. From veteran comics to emerging talents, the show captures the essence of humor—bringing together diverse voices for a night of laughter and camaraderie. Whether you're a fan of observational comedy or just appreciate a good laugh, this episode serves as an inviting entry point into the lively world of stand-up comedy.
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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquadd Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony could be found at desquadd.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHenceCliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, TonyHenceCliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquadd merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Nashville, Tennessee, one of the finest cities in the beautiful United States of America. We are coming directly to you. The Kiltoni Show, live from the Bridgestone Arena, April 4th and 5th. Tickets are on sale now. It's one of the largest arenas we've ever done. This is your chance to get tickets. Go to ticketmaster.com, type in the word Kiltoni, and get tickets now. We will see you in April.
Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it up for Tony Henskley! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?
Ladies and gentlemen, you're here. Are you guys excited to be here? That's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band. Make some noise for them. You've been listening to them. That's Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo and Fernando Castillo on the horns. Charles Reed joining us on the drums tonight. Crushing it. The male model matmealing on the electric guitar.
The great John D's on the keys and D madness on the bass guitar tonight. An unbelievable episode for y'all coming at you before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. You know, every single week, I am lucky to be able to book some of the funniest people in the world on this show. Sometimes it's a up and coming talent that you've never heard of before that I like to show off first. Sometimes it is an old legend of comedy that's joining us. Tonight, it is three of our favorite guests in the history of the fucking show.
It doesn't get any better than this. As I bring to the stage, indeed, coming out debuting with his newest Netflix special tonight at midnight, it's called America's Sweetheart. It is Ari Shafir, Shane Gillis!
Shane Gillis, Ari Shabir, and Murr Norman. Let's fucking go. We are in Austin, Texas. This episode brought you by Shopify, Prime Sticks, Blue Chew, and Zippa Cruder. Oh my God. You are here in the vortex of comedy.
Fresh off of a brand new episode of Protect Our Parks, this is indeed the boys, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, and Ari Shafir. American sweetheart comes out tonight at midnight. America's are American. America's? America's sweetheart. Belong to America? Absolutely. That's me. That is you, the old red-white-and-ju.
Mark Norman here sunglasses up long day protect our parks five-hour episode from what I'm understanding all profits go to the Maui fires Yeah By Bud Light Shane Gillis is here ladies and gentlemen
Three veterans of the show. You guys all know how it works. Who's on drums? That is Charles Reed. Michael Gonzalez is playing with Keith Urban tonight in a football stadium somewhere. This band plays these guys. These were applause for Keith Urban. Who gave that fuck? The band looks more urban.
You got some new digs here, Tony. He likes nice new equipment. Yeah, we're up grading. Upgrading. We even got it all. We got a little fucking monitors here so that we can hear better for the first time ever. Just got to get rid of Red Man. Yeah. He's hanging on my head. Oh, my God. That would be the tool. Oh, he does his press fucking bird buttons. Oh, fuck. He got you. He got you.
I've pre-pulled the first name. We've gone to wrangled them across the bar. It's all over you. No, Bruceky. Oh, yeah. One Bud Light Down. Right on the new monitor. That's great. The table explodes. Oh, yeah. It's on. That green light means there's power running to it. That's my jizz rag. Oh, my goodness. This is how the forest fire started.
You guys know how it works. I pull comedian out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then I also bring out the anger West Hollywood bear, which really interrupts them and begins the interview portion of the show where I find out more about them, what they do, who they are, and what they could be talking about in this world. They go from a comedian to a podcast guest in a minute. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?
All right, we're gonna start it with a golden ticket winner. Who is from Los Angeles, California, currently escaping the fires? He's here with a new minute. It's been a while. This is your first comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Jack Shaw, everybody. The return of Jack Shaw.
All right, guys. Man, I've been working on standing up for myself because I went to performing arts school. I drive a fucking Fiat, and I was recently told that I look like what a white girl transitions to.
I was driving my Fiat in the fast lane the other day. It was a big fucking day for me. When all of a sudden this guy starts honking behind me, giving me the finger saying, fuck you, fuck you. So I decided to pull over in the right lane, let him pass me. He pulls up next to me, rolls down his window and says, roll down your window, you trans bitch. And I said, no. Ah.
This made this man so mad. I swear to you, this happened. He took out Pantomime finger guns and shot me. And I pantomime caught the bullet in my teeth. Don't pantomime with me, bitch. I went to performing art school. Thank you guys so much. Exactly one minute from Jack Shaw. Not a second longer, not a second less.
A man thrifty with his time. Ari Shafir, what's it like seeing your little brother? Baruch Hashem, my brother. It's so good to see you. Bro, you're gonna have a heart attack. You got a chill. I know, dude. I know, dude. The blood is rushing in my cock and my heart at the same time. It's crazy, dude. Are you always this shaky or is it just? Yes. Yeah? All right.
Well, then you're calm. He's a wild boy, Jack Shaw. How's escaping LA right now going forward? Oh my god, dude, I'm so happy to be here. The whole fucking city's burning in the ground. I shouldn't have thrown that joint out the window when I left, dude. I feel really bad about that, dude. That was really embarrassing, dude. Probably your fucking menorah. Yeah. A lot of candles.
Your eighth night on a special dude burned down the whole fucking city, dude. Great. But you're not in the line of fire there, correct? No, I'm deep in the concrete, dude. I cannot afford to live in the palace. However, you are wearing clothes given to you by the volunteer fire department. Yeah. Clearly, nothing fits you.
You look like the little boy from the movie Big who turns into a kid and is stuck with his grown-up clothes on stuff. I got it free right off a body, dude. It was awesome. Okay. All right. Okay, you're really running with it there. I'm crying. If you're here, who's taking care of your shrunken kids?
Look at him, the random black guy, one of the band members is gonna knock him out. So, what's been going on? Tell us about your life, Jack, since we've seen you last anything crazy happening. Yeah, Aaron Baliel's been taking me on the road with him, dude. He's been fucking awesome to me. He's been really cool. All right, so you're opening for Aaron Baliel? Yeah, opening for, I can't talk.
My career's starting at the bottom, dude. You should walk in the room first and go, I'm cured. It's me, Aaron. I'm totally fine. I love his audiences, man. I did a show with him in Sacramento, and this lady came up to me after the show, and she said, Jack, I love your comedy. You're such an inspiration to my son. He's also retarded.
Wow. Yeah. Hopefully, Aaron's audiences make more noise than he does. What's that car ride like between the two of you? Oh, look. Who's strapped in the back of a van? Dude, he was driving, dude. And he's trying to talk to me while he's driving. He's got one hand. He's texting and driving and talking to me at the same time. Oh, my God. Who is this guy? Aaron Bilal. He's the one that we were talking about. He's secretly gay. We weren't supposed to talk about it. He loves cocks.
Air below it loves cocks, loves sucking them black, white, brown, whatever. Air below it, the cocksucker. Oh, all right. He's like, that was very Matty. All right, blah, blah. It's easy to get them all confused. Jack, what else? How was Hanukkah? Hanukkah was great. Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Hanukkah! Jesus fucking Christ. How was Christmas, Tony? God, if you were any Jewier, you would just fucking burn. Burn?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Put me on the steak, Tony. I love it. Bro, your voice makes me hate Jews. Welcome. It is. If this was the Holocaust, Dari would be like, he's underneath the floorboard. Please, for the love of God, get him away from me.
Are you look like an anti-Semitic drawing of the Jewish person? Look at the Jews turning on each other. I don't know what to do. That is quite an iron dome you got here. Free world though. You guys should free palace huh? Yeah, I don't know that's definitely John
Let's do it on the count of three, Ari. One, two, three. Free Palestine! More free. Love up free with you guys. Yeah. Jack Shaw, way to get the fucking show started. Congratulations. We have begun. It has begun.
And to our first bucket pull. This is where we meet someone all together, even though this name looks familiar. I do believe we've seen this person before. This is a new minute from your first bucket pull tonight. Andrew Tar, everybody. Here is Andrew Tar.
All right. I saw the movie Oppenheimer. During the movie, they explained why Hitler never pursued nuclear weapons. And it's because he considered quantum physics to be Jew science. And I was just trying to put myself in Hitler's shoes, right? He's just watching a bunch of Jews working on atomic weapons, and he's thinking to himself, man, these people are so cheap, they're trying to split an atom. What the hell is wrong with these people?
Smallest particle in the universe. They want to cut in half. We have to do something about this. Now, I remember growing up in the early 2000s, like when SpongeBob came out. And everybody's parents were like, ah, it's going to make the kids gay. And now,
Everyone's gay. They were right. They knew exactly what they were talking about. Okay.
Great set. Best set you've ever had on the show. Yeah. Congratulations. Getting better out there. Absolutely trying. Yeah. Absolutely. Welcome back, Andrew Tar. Tony, what the fuck do you invite me down for here? It's a Jewish heavy episode so far. It's like the roast of Ari celebrate. Unfortunately timing on that anti-Semitism. Yeah, yeah. We were just getting after it.
Great joke. It could have been better, but we were the whole room was kind of like all right I'd be going a little too far here I've been planning to tell that joke on here for such a long time and waiting in the back I heard all of it. I was like fuck should I do something else? It's like screw it. We're doing it Typical Jew joke you squeezed every penny out of it
So what's been going on, Andrew Tar? How's comedy? You're better. You look like you have some vitamin D in your system. What's going on? Yeah, getting out there, barely getting by, doing comedy, but getting by, going on dates and stuff. I actually was supposed to be on a date tonight, but she canceled. Whoa. Yeah. Look at that. Now I get pulled on Kill Tony. Amazing. Way better than it would have gone. Amazing. What would you have done on the date? Who was it with?
Uh, there's some lady on hinge. Okay. You've never been with her before? No. What was your big plan? What were you going to do with her? I just get drinks at Los Burles. Okay. Talking chit chat and stuff and how does that normally go for you? You seem like you'd be an awkward date. Yeah. Yeah, that happens. Uh, I'm an acquired taste. Uh huh.
Typically, they have to, if they like me a lot, it's great. If I have to win them over, there's no way in chances, no way in how I'm doing that. Right. Let's get back to the Jew hate. How old are you? 30. Hey, you're cute. That hair. You got like a real car on the face. Yeah, you're handsome guy. Thank you. Thank you. Look at that. Looks like you found a date after all. Shane wants to get some drinks at pearls after that.
To keep the Jew shit alive, we'll run a train on you. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm not going to say who, but two of the panelists have gas tonight. Going from a cancel date to being gangbained by Protect Our Parks is not how I thought tonight was going to go. Hey, that's what we met Rogan. How else has comedy been going into your tar? What else is happening out there?
I just opened it up for a couple of local people opening up for a couple of... Going on the road? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where have you been? What do you like? What do you hate? Oklahoma City, Tulsa. I mean, I like anywhere that'll have me. I can't exactly be picky. Right, so just one stayed up just a few hours away. Yeah, yeah, then like San Diego where I'm from, so I'll do spots between there and there. Okay. Do you know if you change around the letters in your name, it spells one retard?
That is incredible. He is correct. I can confirm that. I'm looking at the name. Retard is in there. One retard. W-A-N. Retard. That is incredible. How did you know that? I don't know. It's like insult rain man over here. Did you know that according to your zip code, if you translated to Morris code, it spells out.
Wow. Anyone call you Tord? Oh, all the time. But I've never heard the one retard. I don't know how I'm just now hearing that after 30 years. It all happened from now on. This is a pretty popular show.
One retard, one retard. Oh, cool, I got a new credit. You might know this guy's the one retard from Guiltown. Yeah. Well, from one retard to another, you did very good tonight. You have a big joke book? No, I don't. You've only gotten small joke books before. No, the last time I was on the show, you didn't have the joke books yet.
Oh. Really? Yeah. Well. Who's the Jew now, Tony? I am. Because I don't even pay for these. These are made by The Great Bones Eye. They're available at killmerch.com. Here's a big joke book. And I'd love to have you on The Secret Show, man. Whoa. Boom. On the road. One green tart.
Whoa, there she is, the lovely Heidi. Adding a little mustard to this sausage fest. Can I get a cigar? Do you guys have cigars back there? Yeah, thanks. All right. Hell yeah. What do you do for a cigar? Yeah, you're going to pull a bill Clinton over there. What's going on? That's a good idea. I'll just on the dress. He's going to get one too.
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Yum. Knit. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name and it looks like the type of name that I like out of a bucket bowl. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is the Kill Tony debut of Big Vinny. Big Vinny, let's see what happens here. Oh yeah, it's Big Vinny. Hello, great people of Austin, Texas.
and Mexicans. Did you know the most selfish people on the planet are make-a-wish kids? Instead of meeting LeBron James, Taylor Swift, or John Cena, they could wish for something that would help everybody. Like making suicide hotline go straight to Mr. Beast. Seriously, that would help some people. Nobody appreciates a wasted wish.
Imagine you're the make-a-wish kid's dad. $50,000 in debt. Swimming in medical bills. And your kid just wishes to go to the movie theater one last time. You're in the room crying. That's so cute. Close the door, walk out. That's six-second shit! Could've cleared my fucking debt! I would've brought him to the fucking theater one more time.
I'm very Italian. There's more to that, Joe. Do you want me to finish it? So yes, my father did beat my mother within an inch of her life. All right, all right. So you went over the time there.
Big Vinnie fuck yeah, you're really Italian. Yeah, and I love you guys all of you Okay, relax and you're a fucking pig. All right
Welcome, welcome, Big Vinnie. He's a guinea pig. He is. Mark Norman, I love it. What the fuck are you wearing? What is that? It's a parachute, you know, so I can say to myself, I fall from a high building if I want to kill myself after this. Okay. We'll see how it goes. It's been going well. I love you guys. I don't think you need to jump off that high of a building to kill yourself, by the way. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
I think you could jump off the trunk of a car and fucking explode like a blueberry. You are a big boy. How much do you weigh, Big Benny? I haven't been waiting a while, I'm excited. Well, we got a scale for that, everybody. We got a scale for that. Let me do a guess. Take this. All right, let's guess. Don't say it, don't say it. All right, don't say it. Okay, let's start with Mark Norman, guess first.
I'm gonna go with the 4-18. 4-18, that's a good guess. Ari Shafir. I'm gonna say 375, same as Red Band. 375, I love the music coming from the horn players. Wait a second Big Benny. 325. 325? How tall are you?
All right 35 35 a fairies going prices right style over here one one Wait big bitty don't stand on it yet. I could never seen an obese guy This excited is step on a scale when he stood on the scale said help me
Red band? I'm guessing 420. 420 is a good guess. Okay, I'm gonna take the over in this. I'm gonna go 421. You can fuck over a band's back. And now. I think you have a good chance of this. 342. You're at 335. Ladies and gentlemen, this is that moment. Big Vinny steps on the scale.
Let's see what happens here. Mark, what do we got over there? No. You've got, wait a minute. Try again. It's malfunctioning. Hold on. It says the time. It's on central. I think that's when you die. Hold on. Where's the producers here? What is it? What is it? Hold on. Here's Heidi. Oh, wait, we got to put it on pounds.
K.G. and it's on kilograms. Somehow they knew. All right, here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most morbidly obese people we've ever had on the show. Stepping on a scale.
We're way off. 365. Whoa, 365. Yeah. That would mean that technically Shane Gillis wins with a 335 RE over bid. RE is closest, but this is the price's right rules. Yes. And the wait is great, one could say. You're incredibly not as fat as you look. Maybe you should stop wearing family tents.
Yeah, you look like you're fumigating yourself. What do you do for a living, Big Vinny? Nothing right now. I need a job. I could be a door guy anywhere. I've had a lot of experience and I've done a lot of jobs. Like what? What do you mean? What do you really look at? How could you be a door guy if you could get winded showing someone to their seat?
I'm very athletic. I'll beat you in a race, sorry. Wait a second. Wait a second. Karen fucking Tia. What? Fuck it. I fucking dossed you. Yes, yes. Let's do it. Oh, bro. Be careful, Ari. This guy clearly stormed the Capitol. So I can get those stairs in. Someone I went to school with dead binami.
Okay, what apple grill? Did you play football somewhere? Yes, Brockport High School. Okay, Brockport High School. And how do you stay in shape? How could you beat Ari in a race? I always choose the highest apartments. So I have to walk at the stairs. I force to work out almost every day. And I go to the gym every once in a while and I run with my Husky and I think I can catch him. You run?
Yeah. At the park with my dog. Wow. That's the only thing that forces me to run. You have a husky? Yep. So does he. Oh, shit.
Incredible, incredible. So you don't have a job, did you live in Austin? Yes, I've been living near the past two and a half months. So how have you been surviving if you don't have a job? So I worked at an auction house before I moved here. He's been eating homeless people. Come here! Yeah, you step into their bedrooms really easily when you're walking down the street. It's like, another bedroom, Jesus. Oh my goodness. So what did you do at the auction house? Were you an auctioneer?
I, so at first I started in the shipping department, but I had experience, but those bastards put me at the lowest rung, and then I became a lister and fucking, you list all the, like the sports cards and autographed items, Takashi 69 baseballs, shit like that. Okay. All right. What's your love life like? Are you out there crushing mattresses?
I can work a bitch's clip really good, like a smudge on a window. Really? Yeah, you really are Italian. I have not gotten anything out here yet though. I've been talking to ladies, I could've secured some shit with nothing yet. Have you kissed a girl in Austin? No. Really? Two and a half months, no kiss? Nope. What are you doing? I was close with a black chick, but... Whoa. And then what? You called her the N-word and ran away?
Is there a girl out there that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss? You know, we have some of the best fans out there. It has to be a volunteer. It's a segment on the show we've been doing for years. Is there a woman out there that wants to give this big... And she's literally saying no, lady. We got fucking Jalaine Maxwell over here throwing her girlfriend under the bus. She'll do it. She doesn't even want to kiss this fucker. Is there a guy who'll kiss him?
This will be a first if there's not a woman with the courage to kiss this man. Is there really not a female that wants to give this guy his first Austin kiss tonight? I'm only 365 pounds! Come on! Really? Is there the spider from Charlotte's web in the audience?
White girls don't like me, Tony. It's mostly black chicks. I'm telling you, and there's like, no, there's no sisters in here. Is there any sisters? Is there any single sisters in here? Come on. Don't talk. We're close. All right. One left. One of them's going to break. This is typically the kiss. Typical auctioneer problems going once. I've made eyes with a couple girls that are clearly considering it. You've got a chance. Now you just got to wait them out.
I know there's a bunch of girls looking down like they want to be called on at high school. There's like oh my god wait, there's a woman that's gonna do it finally
This is incredible. While we wait for her to come around, she's a sprinter, too. Oh, yeah. Look at this. Oh, yeah. Let's see some tongue. Oh, my goodness. It's worth the wait. And by the wait, I mean, she's the same way as he is. It's time to get another one on the scale, everybody.
First, Austin Kiss, everyone. This is big video. Oh my god. Oh my god. What a hero. What's your name, lady? My name is Ms. Shelby. Ms. Shelby. Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Ms. Shelby, how did that kiss feel?
Um, you didn't really kiss me, that's what fucking said. Yeah, big Vinny says it. Big Vinny says it. Vinny, what's wrong with you? He was going to my side cheek. Vinny, what are you doing? Why are you being a coward? Big Vinny, you said you could find the clip. Good fucking luck with this. Wait, Miss Shelby, where are you going? Come on. Come on. Can we get you guys both on the scale?
The scales of justice. Did I kiss a teacher? Are you a teacher?
Violinist. Oh my goodness. Say hello. What happened? There was no kiss? I did it for the show. I did it for the show. I'm not into you. Oh, big Vinny. Oh, come on. Vinny, you nasty fuck dude. You think one of these girls was gonna be into you? I'm gonna do it. True beautiful checks. Yeah, I do it for fun. She's beautiful too.
Come on, cuz you're asking why I didn't stick my tongue down your throat? What the fuck? I'm not gonna... Come on, give him a hand job real quick. Let's make him come. Let's make this pussy come. All right. I have stand. How about a hand from Ms. Shelby, everybody? Ms. Shelby, you're a superhero. Thank you. Hell yeah. You wanted me to be mean. Big Finney. How dare you? I kissed her and then you asked why I didn't go harder.
Almost out. I could get laid, bro. I've been laid. Don't eat that. Vinny, it's been months. Yeah. I turn it down. I'm not even fucking wrong. I'm not gonna take the lowest strongest shit. I'm not talking about this woman like this. She was nice enough to come up here.
She was not... She saved you from an... Everyone was... It was sad when no one would kiss you. Yeah. Literally, nobody wanted to kiss you. And this woman came out of nowhere to save you. Yeah. God damn, Ben. You gotta go fucker. Where'd she go? Give Miss Shelby one of these words. Yeah! Yeah! She gets a big joke book. You get a little joke book. How about that? Oh, and he didn't catch it.
There he goes. Big Vinny, everybody. Beat it, Vinny! Get the fuck out of here! Yeah, see you, motherfucker! Get him out of here! Get him out of here! Shelby! Shelby! Shelby! Shelby! Shelby! Oh, thank you.
Alright, we're having fun in here tonight. Your next fucking poll straight out of obscurity goes by the name of Matt Balek everybody. Make some noise for Matt Balek.
All right, I live in Austin now, kind of newer here. Austin's a wild city, it's very weird. I went to a house party a couple weeks ago here, saw something I've never seen in my life. I walk in there, back at the house, I saw two guys in the back doing competitive rock paper scissors. Just throwing down. I thought it was a Texas thing, I thought they were playing for money, I went to check it out. Turns out, just two deaf guys on cocaine talking to each other really fast.
We partied all night. We had a... They called it a silent disco. That's what we did. We fucking got down. I got fat. Diddy's in trouble. You seen this? You heard about this? Diddy had this guy. No, but one of the things he did, I didn't think it was a big deal. He would hire these escorts to come to the house, and their job was to entice his guests to have sex with them, and then he would film them having sex without their knowledge, and apparently you can't do that.
Well, when I read that, I was like, who is like, he goes, he would try and like, use that as blackmail on people. And I was like, who's that blackmail for? You know, like, if I got a phone call one day and someone's like, we have a video of you and Dr. Dre double-taming a hooker at Diddy's house. I'd be like, can you tag me in that? Like, I fucking, you have the video and all my friends will eat me. Matt, about like,
I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't hear a word of your sad. Mark Norman broke a glass cigar case, and a lot of it, the shrapnel went into people's drinks, and I'm making sure that the drinks didn't get drones on, it's literally on the can. Yeah. Yeah. Drink it, zoom. Drink it, drink it. Eat the glass. I'll buy you one. I'll buy you another drink, whatever that was. I got it.
I got it. Yeah, I'm protecting us on a very Jew heavy episode. I'm protecting us from losing it all here. I'm literally eating glass. I have to tell our fan base. Don't drink the glass. I'll represent you. I'll buy you another round. I'm going to take this fucking thing for all it's worth. Eat the fucking glass.
How much of that holocaust starts? Please stop picking it up. Don't even touch the glass anymore. I'm also cut. Oh, no. Fuck.
Unbelievable. So, Matt, how's it going, buddy? Going good? Yeah, going good. I love it. How long have you been going to stand up? 11 years. Okay. Oh! Big Benny. That's not a good reaction. Thank you. What do you do for work? I saw a gig. I sell t-shirts at concerts. Okay. You sell t-shirts at concerts. Merch, yes. This guy knows the technical terms. Absolutely. Yeah. How's that been going for you? How old are you, Matt? I'm 35.
Okay. Yeah. All right. You look horrible. Thank you. All right. Yeah. It's just your teeth. It's the teeth. I got mad teeth. And the wrinkles. The wrinkles. And it looks like you change oil with your hair. Oh, geez. Incredible, man. You have progress like wet, greasy hair.
Where you from? Chicago originally lived here for a couple of years. Yeah, shot down in the house. That was gonna be somewhere greasy. Chicago's pretty greasy, dude. It's not Philadelphia or anything. Whoa! It's fine.
It's fine. I was being nice to you. Yeah Big Bears fan hate the Packers very happy your Eagles took care of that last time. Okay, we're not talking about this thing. Fuckin Tony. Shut the fuck up our stool Welcome to our stools kill Tony. Hey guys. Well, the packers are pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, bro. Actually, what does come out Monday?
The Monday after. Yeah. So this will come out when Notre Dame's playing. Damn, think about it. Right now, Notre Dame's lifting a national title. There's zero percent chance of that. So sick, dude. Can't believe we did it, dude. He's back. There he is. There's the new Notre Dame mascot after Monday's game. It's de-madness, everybody. Holy shit. Is he all right? He takes it. Oh, OK. He puts the two eyes in Irish. See, you got to talk to whoever's dressing you. You got to have a chance.
They're not telling you what that looks like. That's nuts. That's crazy. He's dressing him up like this. He's dressed like in living color. He is. He is. You love that Kamala Harris trying to prove she's not Indian. I thought you were Nancy Pelosi kneeling. Oh my God.
This guy looks like shit for 35, right? Hey, come on, man. All right. Yeah, Matt, take it easy, dude. Come on, dude. Take it easy. Fucked up, man. Yeah, that's just bullying. Yeah. Oh, Matt, what's something crazy about your life we'd be surprised to know about you? Uh, getting married in March. Oh, hey, what's his name? That's all right, man. That's what I do.
One of the best comedians in the world. What a hell of a bitch. Got your ass, dude. There's nothing you can do about it. Getting married in March, huh? Yeah. What does she do for work? Well, she bartends here. Elena. She gets all you guys. That's right. OK. And so all right. What are your goals, Matt?
Getting married in March. Wow, okay. Trying to lock that down and then, you know, trying to get less greasy, I guess, dude. What are you afraid of before I let you go? What scares you? Okay, just an honest fear. You don't have to make something else. Yeah, no, honest fear. I mean, it's a cliche. I hate spiders. I know it's gay. I don't like them. Yeah. It's not good. Big spider guy.
I like a spider. You like a spider? Sure. Spider's just scary, bro. They are freaksy. Yeah. There's not a lot of it. Grease spiders, Puerto Rico. Don't like Puerto Rico. Okay. Yeah. There he goes. You have a little joke book yet? No, no, no. I do not. You don't? I'll tell you going. There he goes. Matt Balek, everybody. There we go. Cheers, guys. Thank you. If they would have heard your set, they would have liked it. It was funny.
It was? Was it really? Matt. Matt. Here you go. You have a big joke book yet? Yeah, yeah, it was good. You already have one from another appearance? There he goes. All right. Is Juan ready? Is Juan back there?
Alright, we have a one. Hey! This guy was on an episode a couple weeks ago. I said that I wanted to see him again. A very funny first appearance. This is his second time on the show. So good last time that I gave him this appearance. Let's see what happens in the second ever minute from one Denmark, everybody. The return of one Denmark.
Holy shit. You know how to get black people and Nazis together? The Trump fist, alright? I love that fucking fist. He appropriated the Nazi salute and the black power fist all in one arm motion. It was crazy, y'all. The only thing blacker than Donald Trump's fist are the list of all the people Kamala Harris locked up.
I'ma be honest y'all, I think Kamala Harris is just Hillary Clinton in blackface. Also think that Mexicans should have been the first slaves. You know what I mean? Like if it wasn't for sports, music in the prison system, slavery would have been a terrible business decision. If Mexicans were the first slaves, there'd be skyscrapers in Nebraska y'all.
There'd be taco trucks on every fucking corner in America. And what if Asians were their first slaves, right? You'd be able to fit like five times as many motherfuckers under that boat. They got the perfect fingertips for cotton picking. And what's better after a long day of your Asian slave picking cotton? A nice rub and tug. And they just wanted that mark.
The return of one Denmark. You know what I love about you is you can be as racist as you want it. I know I love it, Tony. I fucking love it. I fucking love it. This is black power privilege. It really is. It's black privilege. Black power privilege. Okay, I don't really acknowledge the power.
Fuck yeah. It's limited power. It's like a solar energy if you will. That's true. We are powered by the Sun, Tony. That's why I'm in Texas right now. Absolutely. Shane asked me a great question while you were on stage. If you want to turn sideways so that the nope, put the jacket back out. I swear to God, I thought you were not wearing pants. Yeah, it looked like you weren't wearing pants. Oh, dude. Yeah. Next time. If I ever get it next time, I'll come here naked guys. Don't do that.
Do it! I give you permission! You have to carry on the banner! Dude, are you from the future? You look like Book of Eli! Slippers on! Big jacket! You're like the Matrix James! Thank you. I appreciate that. For a podcast that shows really we have a lot of TV on the radio.
What? What is that? What does that mean? That's a band. That's a band. I'm a TV on the radio. What's up, Tony? So you're wearing, like, daisy dukes and a full-on jacket, a giant jacket with a big hood. I like to keep people confused at all times, Tony. Absolutely. You don't know what you're going to get. You're going to get a school shooter. You're going to get a homosexual. What are you going to get, Tony? How you got to help me? I'm going to shoot up a gay club. Whoa, too soon.
Got a little bit of everything. He's just like a cold gay guy. Honestly. Hey, listen, I'm not gay, I'm queer, all right? There's a difference. What is that? Okay, I'll explain it to you, Mr. Mark. Please. Okay, listen, I will fuck a man, but only if he has a vagina. Does that make sense? No, it's like you can have a face full of beard, but you better have a torso full of vagina, goddammit. All right, fuck them.
It is incredible. What's the gayest thing you've ever done? Come to Kill Tony and see you. Okay, what's the second gayest thing you've ever done? Oh, it's like fair.
What's with those? Oh, I've watched two men have sex. Oh! Okay, explain it. In real life, in real life. Explain to us how that happened. Yeah, I was 15 years old. What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is the key lady. Let's get you going, all right? The P. Diddy party. Ooh. Close. I was walking down downstairs to my basement, and I looked through the window of my basement, and my uncle was having sex with his partner, dude. You have a window in your basement?
Back in the day, yeah, when I lived in Virginia, we had a house with a basement, and my uncle lived there with his boyfriend named Juan. Whoa. Yeah, he had a boyfriend with my fucking name, dude. Wow. Yeah, dude. And now I'm wearing these fucking shorts on Kill Tony.
Fuck, dude. Yeah. Fuck. You found those on the floor at your uncle's floor. Yeah, weird. He couldn't put him back on after all that butt sex. I've never met many black wands before. I'm Cuban. I'm Afro-Cuban. Afro-Cuban. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What is the most Cuban thing about you if you had to guess? I move my hips when I fuck. Whoa. Really? I do. It's crazy. Can we see that? You got to pay for that, Mark. We got some Cuban music for you here.
Well, we really can't see the hit movement with that giant check. You guys are awesome. I love these niggas, man. Juan, remind us, what do you do for work? Go to school full time to be a clinical psychologist. That's right. Absolutely. Absolutely. What are you guys clapping for? Mental health. Yeah, what are you clapping for?
It's a landmine. Somebody's going to be like, oh, I have a nice black, my doctor's black. Yeah. I ain't going to get in there. This guy is going to be crazy. Don't do it. How old are you there, Obi Wan? You said what? I'm sorry. How old are you? 31, 31. Really? Yeah, go to the face of a black guy from the 70s. It is true. Shut your mouth.
She, Jeff, turkey. Jeff, man. You look like a Tuskegee airman. Oh, fuck. Minus the syphilis, guys. Minus the syphilis. That's one of my jokes. You do have an old soul. You have an old soul, as they would say. Indeed. Juan, what are some hobbies of yours? I love to ride my bike. Is it your bike? My bike. It is my bike. Well, I think it was my bike.
Hey, you snooze, you lose dog. Yeah, I love the meditate. I love the meditate. I love to watch YouTube. I'm just a boring person, honestly. I just keep it cool, man. What do you watch on YouTube? Podcast. Yeah, mine fucking Jordan Peterson type shit. I just like smart motherfuckers, man. I love it. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Wow. You are like a white guy trapped in the blackest body.
This is my TV on the radio. I love it. Fuck yeah. So what are you most looking forward to helping people with psychology? Like, what's... I mean, I'm doing this shit for free now. I didn't really pick this profession. This shit kind of picked me, so I was like, fuck, all right. Let's get paid for it now, fuck. Yeah. Yeah, so... We never picked you. Nah, I'm just the best.
You look cool. You look like a leader of a cult 45. I'm trying. I'm trying. This is the start. This is the start right here. This is where I gained my following and then we go off into the woods in Utah somewhere. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm with you. This guy is cool. Yeah. Fuck yeah. What's that button on your dick?
That's a great question. It says real friend. This is my friend's merch. He told me to wear it So fuck I was like I'll put it on my dick, you know what I mean? That's the best way of supporting your homies. I know what you mean Yeah, yeah, you don't know what you meant if you really love them put them on your dick Okay
Not right, you want Denmark. Interesting here. First name is Juan, and your last name is Denmark. Yeah, Denmark is from Denmark-Vessies. He's a slave-revolter right before he exit. What does that mean exactly? He was trying to... It means you worry. Red band.
Red band with a home run sound effect. Yeah, yeah, here it is ready for it red band Red band with a big funny Just bought yourself another month right there Stay alive dog. What's that? Okay, there's two weeks
Unbelievable reference. What have you got another Charlotte's web joke up your sleep for us? That was funny. I cannot wait to Hennessy what happens next with you on Denmark. Congratulations. You already have a big joke book. We'll see you again soon on the show. There he goes. One Denmark, everybody.
All right, back to the bucket we go. And your next comedian goes by the name of... It will be the comedy stylings of Jake Holter, everybody. Jake Holter is next. He comes up. Jake Holter. So, did anyone else see that horror movie, Teeth?
about the girl with teeth in her gucci. Yeah, that shit fucked me up so bad that now every time I sleep with the girl, I feel like I have to eat her out because that's my way of like checking for monsters under the bed. But that isn't as traumatizing as growing up and my dad always telling me that black cats are bad luck
but only if they don't have a pink butthole. Yeah, so now every time I sweep with a black girl, I feel like I have to eat her ass first. So that way I can see what color her butthole is. And no, if looking at her black cat, it's gonna give me bad luck.
All right, Jake Holter out there eating pussy, checking out buttholes. Who did you talk to for research about those jokes that I eating pussy? My dad. Jake, you've been on this show before. Remind us how long you've been doing stand-up. I just reached a year in September. You reached a year in September.
And you have a little bit of what is it? What is your impediment exactly? Remind us, you have somewhat of a... I think I was on this episode and he said nothing, right? Yeah, yeah. No, there's nothing wrong with you. Yeah. Come on, you were molested. Probably, you're right. You got molested face. Yeah. You stayed young looking. Yeah. You trapped forever young.
Forever young. Forever young. Tell us about the molestation. Well, it all started when I was seven. Did something really happen to you? No. Did something traumatizing happen to you when you were younger, though?
Um, I mean, I dropped a bowling ball on my head. Oh my goodness. There it is, ladies and gentlemen. Go! You dropped it on your own head? Well, okay. See what? Try to hold it above your head. Well, no. See what happened was me and my friends were like doing stupid shit at the bowling alley being the annoying kids throwing it halfway down the...
You're so gay. You're clearly gay. I love that guy. He's not gay. He's not. No, he's nothing else. He's nothing, dude. He would never. I swear to God, he's nothing. There might be a dude's ass out there with teeth in it.
Are you and your uncle were bowling, what happened? Oh shit. How old were you when you were bowling this time? Probably about 13. Okay, so you're in that? 13, you're out there? Right. Yeah, and so I decided I was gonna throw it over my head and I talked with my hand, yes. You don't just talk with your hands. Yeah. You talk with an upside down like fucking...
John D's has pointed out that your neck is also gay. You do gay things with your neck. There is a little bobblehead fucking, and I just was starting a pulling ball and there's teeth and a pothole. Just claim autism. You think that's crazy? Claim autism avoid all this gay fucking bullshit.
There you go. Yeah, I'm retarded. I'm not gay. Because you have to be one. You've got to have something, man. Come on. Yeah, you're totally not gay. Now, tell us more about dropping balls on your head. When your uncle used you as the bowling ball? The old three fingers, smash. Oh, no. I tried to throw it over my head and went too far up and not enough back.
And quit. Okay, did you immediately get knocked out? No, it didn't hurt at all. Did you start talking like that immediately? Probably. Yeah, how are you talking before this incident? I don't remember. That's right. That's right. Yeah, you got knocked in the gate.
Y'all keep saying I'm gay, I mean. Uh oh, wonder what's about to happen now. Y'all keep saying I'm gay by Tony over there. These two divas going back and forth. You two queens.
He's going to scratch you. Don't say I'm gay. You right. Attack me at your own wrist. Yes. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed now. Well, how did you lose your job? I'm looking bold. They didn't tell me. They just told me that Texas is an at-will state. It's an at-will state. And they didn't need my services no more. What was the job before? I don't, I don't, I don't know. It's all our general.
What? Dollar General? Dollar General, wow. Oh my goodness. Yeah. You got fired from Dollar General? Yes. What's the state have to do with it? What's an at-will state? At-will state means they don't have to give a reason for firing you. And see, now you can tell them you could say, I'm gay. Oh, yeah, you should. Oh, yes. Good luck firing me now.
Yeah, that's it. You let your pride get in the way of a juicy lawsuit. You're right, you're right. Yeah. If I can chew them, I'll say I'm gay, hell yeah. I don't believe it. I bet. I bet. Yeah. Gaze of the military. Your lawyer's gonna go, you're on her.
Come on. You're like, don't ask, no need to tell. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I mean, I've been caught gay my whole life. That ain't nothing new. OK, great. Yeah, I know. I just think it's crazy how his name's Tony and his favorite place to be is on his toe knees.
Oh boy. Wow. God is ass. Wow. I don't think I ever survived. How do you live without having a job? How long ago were you fired from dollar today? You were fired today? Today. You went to work today and they told you your services are no longer needed. No corporate called me and told me my services were no longer needed. How long have you been working at Dollar General?
St. June? Okay. That fire. That's pretty long. Today. There you go. Whoa. Oh my goodness. Was that a 10, Ari? Was that a $10 bill? It was a 20, but I thought it was a one until it was in his hands. That's not long about moving it away. Well, you've donated to a gay charity. That's right.
Yeah, I just found out I'm gay, so if there's more money, I'll be gay. That's how it starts. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Jake, what size joke book did you get last time you were on? I got a big one. OK. I bet you got a big one. There he goes. Jake, your jokes are really good, though.
You did good. You did good. I thought you did good. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy. We're just a big guy.
I ain't even though daughter general had like corporate.
I just imagine a guy like me like, fuck nigga, you're fired. It's over, boss. Get the fuck out of here, dog, it's over. Damn. I was in LA. I was around the fires. I was there. I blame the gays. That's who I blamed for. It's funny, because I was riding around and I seen all the houses on fire and shit. And it was crazy. It was still standing. No, it was still standing. Out of all the ash and the rubble and all the fires, what was still standing was brick chimneys.
Why not make the houses out of that next time? That make the most sense ever you fucking dumbass niggas. Hey, why would you make the house out of magic, you fucking dumbass? That's crazy, dog. Also, it was funny, I was riding around and I saw a lot of people evacuate in the house and shit like that. And you know what I didn't see? A lot of dogs, no dogs. Yeah, you on dumb white bitch.
You know who happy Asian niggas? They are happiest for. All right, I'm done. That's good. I give you an idea. Perfect. Kim, Kim. Why don't they make the plane out of the black box? I don't know. You ever think about that? No, I don't know. He's too young. He would never have heard that. No, I know. I don't think he's so old. I know. It's just funny. He's like, yeah, good question. That is a good question. Yeah.
Love it, Cam. Right out of the dollar, general thing. Funny, funny, funny. Blame the gays, black chimney, brick chimneys, and ended with Asian N-words. Yep. I was rushing this one. Beautiful. An absolute masterpiece. How's life going?
You were just in LA? Tell us more about it. Shit, nothing to run around, run around for five and say, how's people out? That was cool. My homeboys out there, you know, so who dropped the water off shit like that? You helping looting? Huh? Oh, sorry, huh. No, but it wasn't, it wasn't a chase that was on fire, and I was excited about that. I was like, oh my God. If I ain't had no money, then I go get that. You know what I'm saying? I think your hair's got a good idea. You still mad at Bart Simpson?
What the fuck that even mean, man? Sideshow Bob, he's the character on the, you gotta get a TV. Nah, no, I've seen it, I've seen the show. I've seen the show, I've heard it before. I gotta learn the TV. Exactly.
You really help people out there? Yeah, that's amazing. I can tell you're still covered in ash. Those are his dad. I love it. I love it, Cam. What else is going on?
And shit, they run around on a roll, shit like that. Yep, you're crushing it. Yeah, yeah. Life is good. Anything else from the panel here for Cam Patterson, he's did it again. Nah, Cam's a man. Super consistent. What were you doing? How are you helping people? What were you doing? Well, we got a bunch of water and shit. You just bought a bunch of water? Yeah, and they're like, well, nigga, it was on fire, dickhead.
You guys remember? They didn't eat water? Brought a bunch of water. We had a bunch of water. And then it was people helping out. We brought them like plates. They put food on the shit like that. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Did it run around? How bad is it? Is it rough? It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad, obviously. It's pretty bad. It's fucking funny.
Fucking literally the scrape in the bottom of the barrel. We didn't cam So he's got to put these fires out. I'm gonna help I Love it cam you fucking did it again. You are the man absolutely unbelievable a new minute from cam Patterson Watch it happen right in front of your eyes
One of the best work ethics we were talking about in earlier, Kevin R. E. Matty. Can't every night doin' five, six, seven spots in this city. Your next bucket pull is from the inside, everyone. It could be one of you. Ladies and gentlemen, your first inside the room bucket pull tonight goes by the name of Joe Bean. Everyone, Joe Bean. We're at Joe. See here? Oh my goodness, here he comes Joe Bean.
You guys still haven't fun out there, huh? No ticklish. Come on, make some noise for the inside zone, Joe B. What's up, comedy mothership?
My name is Joe Bean. I got a question for y'all. And if y'all ever grown up skinny in a fat-ass Mexican family? Hell no, a bunch of white folks here tonight. Oh, there's a Mexican rat fat. Never mind. Let me tell y'all what it's like growing up skinny in a Mexican family. Man, we get shit on. My grandma used to call me skin and bones when I was a kid. I'm like, come on, grandma, your skinny as fuck too. Fuck. My grandma's dead now.
I'm like, who's the skin and bones now, grandma? No, but I imagine growing up skinny in a Mexican family is a lot like growing up, like skin in a black family.
They get shit on too. They definitely get shit on too, right? But I have a theory. I think it's mainly because I think they're jealous. Like my family, I think it's just that they're jealous, right? Because physically, scientifically, they can't get any lighter, right? They're just mad. They're fucking mad. The same as my fat ass cousins, right? There's nothing they can do to get any lighter. These motherfuckers eat Ozambic for dinner. I ain't lose a single fucking pound. All right, my name's Joe Bean, that guy.
Joe Bean, shockingly good for an inside-the-room bucket pool. Great, great, great setups. A lot of good setups. Appreciate it. Yeah, setup after setup. Great premises. That was the top of the setups. The jokes, we'll find them. It did. You got to laugh off of just laughing about it being like light-skinned people in a black family. The point to the... Because I was in direct eyeliner view pointing at the Mexican guy. He got him fat. He literally was like,
The fuck dude, I'm the only one trying to help you.
He's mad, though. You are thin. You can slip right through a border wall. Yeah. This guy. It is incredible how long you've been doing stand-ups. About a year and a half. OK. And how long have you been a championship horse rider? Oh, my life, Tony. Is that really? Do you do that? No, actually. That is your calling. Do you know that? You do have full jockey head. Yeah. Jockey body, jockey head. That's all you do.
Uh, five, I say five six, I'm like, I'm like, oh, come on. You're a huddle ornament. Wait. Hold on a second. Get the tape measure. Did you just say that you're five six, but you're really five five? I got a cousin fights in the UFC, I'm taller than him. Oh, well, yes, there are weight divisions in the UFC. Oh, get off your toes, Joe. Joe Bean. I'm on the... That was your way.
How much do I weigh? About 120. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a steward. Ask me how old I am. I'm about 150 something now. How old are you? 41. Wow. Look at that. 41 years old. I got a 22 year old. He's sitting right there. Your son is 22 years old. 22 years old. Yeah. Oh, God damn it. Yay. Come on. Yoni, you're not supposed to listen to him. No, this is me. She was on or off. She was off. She was off.
Choose off, Joe. What kind of shoes are you wearing over there? No zapadoes. Oh shit. No, Joe, stand up. Take those zapadoes off. And take off that hat. Go to the top of his head, Yoni. Get the hell out of here. Take off the hat. We don't know what's in there. Oh, there it is. Yoni getting a good measurement here. What do we got? My guess is 5-4. 5-3.
5-4 in a quarter and bad news Ari just picked up that quarter
I'm still gonna put 5'5 on Tinder, yeah. Yeah, you're fine. Fuck that. Hell yeah. What nationality are you? You haven't mentioned it. Yeah, are you kidding me? His last name is fucking Bean. I'm Jewish, come on. Is Bean short for something? Beaner. There you go. Yeah, 100%. That was my nickname for years, and then I started getting white friends, and they were like, I can't do that. I can't call you Beaner. Wait, you had Mexicans calling you Beaner?
Yeah! Oh, we're the most racist people ever! I know, but it's cool, right? We love the Mac. You said you'll be leaving soon. But, you know... Hey, I don't make the rules.
I got two weeks. I got two weeks. You have a 22-year-old son? I have a 22-year-old. How old are you? I'm 41. 41? 19. Incredible. See, you did what your people do. That's right. You just made a baby as fast as you can. But I raised him on my own. So I did the opposite, right? I was actually a father all his life, right? Wow. And so... It's incredible that he had someone to look down to his whole life.
Son of a bitch. You little shit. You son of a bitch. But you're Mr. Bean. I'm Mr. Bean. Oh my god. I actually was going to sign up as the Bean. The Bean. The Bean that Tony doesn't know about. But they didn't let me. They said, you got to sign up as what you go up as a comedian. Bean. Bean's great. Mr. Bean's nice.
Yeah, Mr. Bean's funny. Mr. Bean's hilarious. Yeah, I talk a lot more than that motherfucker. I tell you, unfortunately. So what do you do for work being such a shit? I'm an IT operations manager. What? IT operations manager? You actually crawl in the computers? Do they send you in the desktops? Do you eat the computers you motherfucker?
Now, my mom was funny a bitch. I know. Oh, my goodness. You'll never get my dress. I produce cookies. Yeah, I produce podcasts as well. You know, I produce two podcasts and on my side, on the side. Chef, right there on your secret show. I didn't have two young kids. Wow. Look at that.
Yeah? Wow, two beans on a pod. So what does your son do for work? We know that a 22-year-old, that means that he's been working for at least 13 years. So what is it? Bro, I have my first job at 10 years old. My son, he works on cabinets for work. Oh. Yeah, construction. OK. Does he live in one?
Did he sign up to build mine doesn't do stand up, right? No, he doesn't do stand up. How tall is he he's my height? Probably exactly I'll bring I'll bet you he's a little bit taller. Does anyone want a bat? He's trying to yell out and say I'm taller. Come on up here little bean. Yeah, it's a family
Oh, look at this. We've been to fucking both, both H.E.B arena shows with him, man. He's got the fucking, he's got the tickets to the, to the both of those shows, bro. Like this is, but this right here is so much different and so much fucking better. It's so much like intimate. That's right. Horn players know when it's getting a little too Mexican. They start playing the fucking Mexican. I just want to thank you, Donnie. This is like a big deal. There you go. There he is.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, man. I guess you guys are about the same height. Look at this. All these beans, we need some rice. That's rice. That's the way. You want to make it official? Yoni? You want to make it official? Hey, little beanie, let me ask you a question. Look this way. Your mom was Jewish.
Oh my god, she is? Is she really? Yes! She's not doing it! Oh my god, that is incredible. Ari Shafir with just using his massive nose, is able to guess and smell who's... Rudolph with your nose up, right? He's amazing with money, too. He's the fucking amazing with money. It's crazy. Let's measure nose. Yeah, let's measure nose. Oh, yeah, I like that. We're gonna do water displacement. And somebody put a dollar bill in the back and hide it. We'll smell where it is.
Wow. Being doesn't fall far from the tree here. What's your name, Little Bean? Alex. Alex Bean. Alex Bean. Oh, my God. What was it like having a father like Joe? Now's your chance to tell the world. I mean, pretty much like you said, I get to look down to him. You guys are invited to be like a fucking 12 round fly away.
It could be like a classic if you guys fought. When you were when you were in school and you're like you were young and you were bad and he had to like hit you. Did you just laugh?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. So your mom's, or your mom's Jewish? No, my mom's fully white, fully white. Oh, she just got the nose, just the nose. Oh, I thought, yeah, I was gonna say, that's a clean concentration camp. All right, you know. But yeah, half white. Half white. Half white. Half white is your Jewish. Is your Jewish mom still around? No, she's never been around. Really? She's not Jewish. This is so bad for us.
So the Jewish mom abandoned you. Yeah, two years old. No, you guys are lying. Was she actually a Jewish woman? No. No. All right, I missed that part. I'm sorry. But she was white. So I'm like, yeah. She was a honky. Yeah, 100%. And she left. Yeah, she left. Well, that's your job. Yeah. That's so unusual. Why do you think she left? Was it? Were you a big, were you a big crier? No, what the fuck? No, I think it drove.
Why does he think she left you want? OK, let's hear both of your theories. I think my dad is a little deep. Well, it is genetic. So judging by me, I would say that's probably fair. It's probably fair. OK. No, we were asking my mom. Yeah.
Yeah, no, I think she was raised kind of by helicopter parents. When she became an adult, she got into the party life, and then went wild. I was the opposite. I started partying when I was like 12 years old, and I was done by 18 years old, and I find out I was having to kill. I was like, all right, I'm gonna be a father now. I think it starts at your growth. Fuck yeah, 100%. And the Mexican didn't help either. Right, right. And then she kept partying.
Yes. To this day. Oh, she's still partying? Yes. You're in communication with her? No. No. How do you know she's still partying to this day? I don't know. I hear things. It's fine. Okay. Sounds like it's not really a fun party. It's one of those heroin. Right. Scary parties. Sounds like it's a scary party, yeah. Yeah. That's all right.
All right. 100%. Yeah, I'm feeling better already. You see pretty well adjusted with the mom gone, the little dad you're hanging in there. I appreciate it. I appreciate it.
Hey, it's all look, all look. You make good cabinets? Always, always. Is it your own company? No, sir, I do, I serve as cabinetry. Okay. I'm as Mexican as it gets. They have me crawling in them, putting them up, everything. Absolutely. That's your only job? You ever work as an elf and around Christmas time? Yes, sir, yes, sir. My only job. The old Mexican elf down at the South Pole. I'm a big fan of the beans. Absolutely, and I am as well. Really beans. So much so.
that I am giving you both a big joke book from The Great Bones Eye. There you go, one for you, one for you. Give a little one. Give a little one. That's sweet, guys. Absolutely. Thank you. Wow. Yes, please. Hell, yeah. From Beanlight to Budlight. Thank you. For Shane Gillis. From Brown Law to White Claw for Ari. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of David Linum. Everybody, David Linum, what can possibly happen next? A school teacher in Florida got arrested for sleeping with a student last week. It's like a thing now, right? The teacher of the years, parents were outraged. They were like, how does something like this happen in our community?
And I'm here to tell y'all, who do you think's voting for teacher of the year? It's the students that are fucking the teacher to hell of a campaign to go. I'm not saying there's a correlation, look, I'm not saying there's a correlation, but it does seem like ever since this broke out, the school shootings have gone down, am I right? It does feel like the teachers got together and they were like, hey, we can solve this shit in-house, you know? We can stop there. We're gonna start a detention, we're just gonna run it a little bit different, you know?
My son sees this shit on the news. I asked the mother, I said, you ever fantasize about one of your teachers? He's like, dad, you're disgusting. No, that's gross. And I don't know if he's socially awkward because we homeschool him or what his problem is or...
Roll Todd, right? I mean, if he can make us mom come, at least somebody in this fucking house can get it done, you know? That's my time, thank you. David Lineham with a funny set. Hello. You're much funnier than you looked like you were gonna be when you came out. Yeah, I swear to God, you see how slow it was at first? They didn't like it? Oh, no, no. Because of the earring in your ear and your hair. Yeah.
I look like the singer Creed. I get that all the time. He spit a lot. That's all I have. I'm sorry. I'm a little bit drunk. I've been hanging out with Autistic people at poor choices for two hours. Sky definitely rules. There's Sham Wow guys over there if y'all want to know. The pitch guy. Is he really? They punched the hooker. He's walking around. Slow me. Yeah.
Get him over here. Did he... Did he... Did he... His handler is wearing a sham while hoodie. He signed up for the show. No, he's over there fucking talking to people. Dude, it is bizarre. I'm so glad to be here, we all, dude.
I can't believe I got calm. And on top of that, this panel's great, but goddamn, I couldn't wait to get out of there, dude. He directed a movie that was in. Me and Adrian Brody were in a movie directed by the Shamwow guy. How insane is he? Should we get him over here? He's got to get him over here. Somebody go get the Shamwow guy. Shamwow! You got to love it. Random Monday night in Austin, Texas. Go find that guy. Shamwow guy. I got people in the front row drinking glass.
Anything can happen. You could clean that up. David, tell us about your life. How long have you been doing stand-up? I'm a career drummer that quit a year and a year and a half ago to do comedy. You're a career drummer? I paid for my house playing drums and quit to do this. Well, boy, oh boy, do I have news for you? No, no, no.
We have a tradition on this show. It's called a Mexican drama That's where we have a drum solo competition between two people David you're gonna be going first here tonight Here's the deal David if you win you're the new full-time back
Got drummer for the band. Michael Gonzalez is playing a football stadium tonight. We are lucky to have the unbelievable stylings of Charles Reed as our full-time backup drummer. So you do about, I don't know, 20 to 30 second long. Wait a second, what's the balance? Oh my God. Wow. Look at that. That's his Ari Shafir impression, everybody. That's what Ari looks like without the drumstick.
That is incredible. His new special America's sweetheart out tonight at midnight. Every time I roast you, you get a plug. You disgusting Jew at midnight. America's sweetheart. So anyway, if you win, you're the new full time backup drummer here in Austin, Texas for Kill Tony.
And you get to do comedy in Austin, Texas too. You know what I mean? That would make you here in Austin. So now is the time, a tradition, unlike any other. Okay, it's in his nose. Charles Reed playing it cool, even though that's very disrespectful. There we go. Oh, oh, oh, he pulled back on the fist bump. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo. This is Charles Reed.
Oh, he's picking his nose. All right, there is David Lynum with a drum solo, ladies and gentlemen. Charles Reed about to bury him with a show. We have to do it. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be cool. All right. That's just your drumming. I'll be glad to be here. I was going to go wild. Ladies and gentlemen, here to defend his throne as the backup drummer, one of the great freak talents of this, the live music capital of the world, Austin, Texas. This is Charles Reed.
Jesus fucking Christ. One of the most unbelievable ass beatings we've ever seen. Wow. Whoa. Hey. Yeah. That was a close one. I think Charles is better at drumming and comedy.
Unbelievable. This is the first time I've ever seen a black guy put his knee on a white guy's neck before. Oh my god. That is incredible. Oh my god. You see why I quit, right? Yeah. I paid for my house and got out of that industry. Charles, how do you feel? If you're a host with a... Oh, it's off. Okay. One bedroom. How many of you have David Lina mourning that?
Just a boo from the crowd. Just one boo. How many of you have Charles Reed winning? But good news, David. Your set was good. Anything else crazy we should know about your life before letting you go? I worked for the drama for Guns N' Roses for a couple of years. Okay. What was that like? Maybe since you make him feel better about his talent.
Hey, I'm telling you, it was a full-time job. Like a lot. What was the name of your band? Linem. Wow. Yeah. You're a band called Linem? You didn't name it. I didn't name the band. I would never name the band my last name. But you did. Yeah, but no. But then you did. No, no, no. I did not. The rest of the band called it that. We were last in line when they were going out band names, obviously. It gets misspelled on every marquee across the country.
Yeah, a lot of marquees. Yeah, we did. We flew below your radar, but we made enough money to pay for a house in Alabama, so. Well, you just got beat by Biz. It's one show. You just got your ass handed to you by Biz Marquees. See, that's about as old of a reference as Charlotte's web. We liked your set, though, David Lyon. I'm here. It's a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go. Thank you.
On to the next one, we're flying through it here tonight. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of DK, everyone. DK. Thank you. Thank you. Here's DK. One more time for DK, everybody. These people wait all evening for this opportunity.
Most people these days aren't too smart. The reason why I say that is because most people think digging is the way that you end up finding oil. That's not necessarily the case. Another way is looking for terrorists in weapons of mass destruction. A little bit about myself. My birthday is 420. For most people, that's a day of celebration, right?
But every so often I get somebody who'll come and let me know like, hey, do you know you share a birthday with Hitler? And I go, wow, that's an interesting fact. No one's ever told me that before in 27 years. And they go, how does it feel to share a birthday with such a bad guy? And I go, who, Hitler? They go, yeah, Hitler is well known for killing 4.6 million Jews in Germany.
And I go, okay, but like, what did he do wrong? For those of you who are smart in the crowd, you would have heard that joke and go, wow, 4.6 million, that guy must be off. But the thing is, I don't necessarily count the women. Thank you, I think I'm gonna be good. Yeah, okay, okay. Hell yeah.
DK, fresh off of winning the drum solo competition. Do I dare I ask what DK is short for? Because I'm thinking of a video game right now. So I'm thinking it doesn't kill. That's the first thought that usually comes out of people's mouths. I think it's for how many it's called Dairy Queen. Yeah.
Spam Patterson. Yeah, yeah. It's my son, Dairy King. One of the ones that are good at spelling. What is DK stand for? It stands for Drama King. What? It stands for Drama King. That is what it means. Oh, okay. Did your parents give you that or did you do that one? I did that one, clearly. Well, I don't know how clear. Well, my friends did that one, but I rolled with it.
Why they be calling you dramatic? Because I'm a bit dramatic, Tony. Can you give us an example of a time in which you were dramatic? You got pulled over. I'm one of those guys. Oh, we're groaning now. Two hours into the episode, we're going to start groaning. I just called him Donkey Kong is not going to go. Everyone was fine with it. I say he gets pulled over. The black guy just gave me a thumbs up. Thank you, sir. I can tell because the inside of his thumb is white.
Okay, all right. Oh my God. I dug myself into a deeper hole and now we're getting applause. Okay, so give us a time in which you were dramatic. So the reason why I got this name is because I'm very emotional for a man. Like I like to sit around with my friends and talk about God and consciousness and I'm like, I think we should be loving each other. They're like, that's gay. You are very dramatic for a man.
Okay, yeah. Yeah, so I mean, that's, that's who I am. And I just, I roll with that, you know? I love it. Yeah. But what do you do for work, DK? So I work as a ballet driver at this hotel. Who the fuck would trust you with their kids?
I definitely get a lot of side eyes on. No, no, no, my real name is Timothy. That's not that's not a hidden fact. Yeah
I've gotten a word that drama king that you once tried to fight one of the nicest humans in all of show business. Yoni the producer of Tony. Would you like to tell us exactly why a man named it would take a man named drama king to ever want to hurt sweet sweet yoni.
As I said, I'm very emotional. What happened? Yoni told me this was a while ago, so my memory might be a little bit scratchy. None of it was on Yoni. All of it was on me. Absolutely. I already knew that. Yoni, if you're wondering who that is, cackling, that's Yoni. Yeah.
So, I didn't know who Yoni was. He came and he approached me and told me to step away from the sidewalk while smoking. Nobody tells Jeremy King to step off the sidewalk. That wasn't the issue. I felt the intention behind it was kind of malicious. I didn't know who he was. Clearly have the authority to be doing that and it makes sense at the time. And he's one of the nicest guys. He is. I've had a conversation with him after. He's a great man. You know there's some random guy telling you to get off the sidewalk?
Yeah, I thought it was somebody who worked at poor choices Like I'm not even if I'm not even at the building like I'm off to the sidewalk so right in front of the door. I'm guessing
A few feet away from the door. Yeah, it's confirmed by Yoni, definitely right in front of the door. Where were you smoking? I'm black and mild. Correct. Oh, okay. No, it was definitely wheat. It was wheat. Yeah. That makes perfect sense. Yeah, I mean, I smoked a blunt with you about two and a half years ago. Really? Yeah. Free Tony. How's it feel? Where the fuck were you and drama king hanging out?
Where were you drama game we had a department Did you guys get I mean show you where I get up at the hot tub was getting tickled Where did we smoke this blunt so it was at the back of the creek in the cave
That's where all the lovemaking happens to trauma king. Yeah. It was during the Legion of Skank Show, you came out in a cowboy outfit. There was pretty much no effect.
It sounds about right. We taped a little episode of Broke Black Mountain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was right after the Ping Day. So I was smoking a blunt, and you walked up and hit it. No, I was smoking a blunt, and I asked you if you wanted to hit it, and you were like, sure, man. Yeah, that's right. I don't know why you had to do that voice drama king. Damn it, drama king. You want to hit this? Sure. I'll fuck you.
What else happened though after that you guys what would you guys talk about? It was right after Tony was going through a situation and he was the pang dang You said, right? Yeah, we were talking about the state of comedy, etc. He was like, yeah, man, you know, all right
Come on. Here you go, Timmy. He got you in one word. Yeah. All right. Two more. Two more, Tony. I mean, this is wonderful. All right. Whatever, dude. Yeah, that was a terrible impression.
Okay. Anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go DK? Drama King. I mean, if there is anything you should know about my character, it's that I've done a lot of psychedelics and that's just about it. Hell yeah.
The only thing that I consider very significant, over 100 heroic dose trips. Wow, over 100. Yeah, like doing ounces of mushrooms. Wow, drama king. That's too many trips. Yeah, that is a lot. But I'm here and I'm lucid and I'm cognizant, so. No, you're not actually here, right? Must be some lies. Yeah. Yeah, you be tripping, dude. Yeah, I definitely do. It's one thing that I'm very known for, tripping, both physically and mentally.
What the fuck was that, Red Man?
He doesn't even know. Red Pan, that is crazy. Red Man, what did you just do? Have fun bleeping that in the edit. You creepers all over. Holy shit. Not that it was not that I ran out of big joke books. Here's a little choke bug. Thank you. There he goes. On behalf of Red Man, I apologize. I don't know what that was. That was disgusting. No, we're not editing that out. We're going to keep that one in.
Red band, disgusting drama king, we all apologize. Sweet sweet drama king. Alright, what the fuck were you doing?
What'd you think that was? That was actually a mistake. No way! We was talking about Donkey Kong ahead of... Thank you, thank you, thank you. Very good. Yes, great. Let's talk about it for as long as fucking possible. Please everybody, can we talk about it all night? I'm gonna bring it up every time you can't edit it out.
I'm going to bring it up five more times. You can't edit it. I'm going to bring it up five more times. You can't edit it. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going to bring it up five more times. I'm going
That's the way that Donkey Kong sounds. Red, Donkey Kong. Reben. Please. Come on, man. For the love of God everyone, can we please stop fucking talking about it? I can't believe that. Stop monkeying around up here. Are we having fun tonight? Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea what's about to happen.
Austin is so crazy that sometimes you have special treats that pop in. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you here to be on the podcast for a bit. This is indeed the Shamewell guy Vince Offer! What's up? Hell yeah.
Vince, grab that microphone right there. Right there, right there. It's right behind you. Get the mic. Wait, who's that? Keep going, keep going. Wait, the chamois guy, who the fuck is this guy? I, like, you're a goat in insult comedy. I'm a goat in sales. It's not a big category, but I got to have a bouncer, a bodyguard. Is that made out of chamois? Yeah, and you know. Oh, shit.
And if I beat up hookers, I need the blood to be picked up by something else. But these girls are too beautiful to have. Absolutely. I don't pick good. Well, I'm trying to recruit Ari to do inappropriate comedy, too. I got half a million dollars. I fired up. Oh, you're too big now? You're too good? Ari is funny. Ari is funny. No. He's funny. But he's funnier in my movie, inappropriate comedy. Oh. Where can people find this movie nowadays? Where's inappropriate? 4chan?
Hey, you're a producer, he didn't want me to come on your podcast. Really? I'm not talking to you. Oh, I don't know. I have proteges. I'm gonna give him a raise. I'm just kidding, Mark. No, no, he's my protege. He's a little, you know, he's, uh, we're doing, he, what's great about him, he does rap, rhyme. Oh, no. Anybody's name. He's one of those guys who can rhyme. That guy, that guy, that guy rap. That guy changed one of my, yeah, go ahead, throw a rap.
Welcome to an episode where we've seen it all ladies and gentlemen the sham while guys security guard is And I'll dance to it one and it almost is my first time on stage. I'm very nervous. You're doing great. You're doing just ask your to get a drink you're doing great now ladies so
Basically, my name is Sean Lennon. I'm from Brooklyn. Vinny called me up and said, we're going to kill, kill Tony. I said, no phony. I got some cowboy boots and a half-point runner, Ronnie. I stepped on the plane like, yo, let's go kill this Tony. Where's the app, bro? And I said, oh shit, it's comedy. So I left it to my boot, a sham while guy. He said, oh my, but you didn't know me close, kill Tony. Said, why? We don't like rap. We don't like that crap. I don't care if you're from Howard Stern. Take it back.
Wow. Yikes. It's like a hip-hop comedy show. Yeah. It's a hip-hop comedy show. That is. But Ari, it's so good to see you. He was in my film. I thought you were going to... Me, you, Agent Brody, let's you low him. That's my dude right there. Really? Agent Brody was like, dirty Harry, but flirty Harry make me gay.
You know, wow. Wow. And we had Ari. No, I saw Ari doing all this racist stuff. I love racist stuff. Yeah. Well, you're at the right show. Well, I want Tony to talk because I've always, you know. No, you're doing great. You and your buddy are fantastic. Like a team. It is. You guys are like co-partners meets cocaine. This is incredible. You know what? People think I do drugs. I don't. Billy Mays did drugs. They always connect me with drugs.
I'm getting a little heavy. This is not drugs. What is this? I'm looking pretty good at 60. Do I look good at 60? Yeah, you're 60. You're fucking 60? Shammel. Wow. Still fucking hookers. You know what's funny? I'm on my home tonight. Wait, did you go to jail for that?
Next question. Wow, the security guy. Also PR. I have to leave now. No, hang out. This is fucking weird. Tell us, Vince, what have you been up to? You're such an amazing mythical creature. I am coming out with a new product. This is the first time I'm saying it. I love this. I love it. Let's hear it.
And I want you all to buy it, because I see everybody's right here. So listen, it's called the black, wow. It's black, big black, the girls can take it in the kitchen, in the living room, in the dining room, and it's big black, strong, and it's diversity, the eye. So wait a second, it's basically a sham wow, but it's black. So it doesn't work? Damn, you can't. It makes a bigger mess.
Can Mark be in the commercial? No, I don't want anywhere near that fucking thing. Do you have a catchphrase for Blackwell yet?
I lost him, okay. Well, yes. You ready? If you don't buy it, you're a fucking racist. That means everybody's gonna buy them. Come on, send them money up right now. Okay, here we go. We're gonna raise some funds. Vince, where did you meet this white rapper at? Okay, I used to have a movie called Underground Comedy. This is back in the 90s before Woke.
I did, at the time they were attacking my film, you know, I have suit models taking a dump, dick man fights lesbians, Miss America, bag lady, pageant. I think I told Ari about it when I did number two. It was wild. It was wild. So this was before, and it's not even on the internet, it's so fucking messed up. So the critics all hated it, because they're all woken in LA. And they said it's the worst movie ever made, no one's in South Funny, come on, you're lying your ass off. But anyway, so I had to go into the street and promote
on the ground comedy on the street and then people go to the theater and we fill it up. And I said, what am I doing selling movie tickets when I can be on infomercials? And that's how I got into the infomercials. I had like a little DV player showing a people on the street, got them into the theater. And then I, that's how I crossed into the infomercial is that forget movies. Let's do something. Yeah, exactly. I said, fuck it. And the towels were fucking me.
Feeding up hookers went out clean up the hookers. Yes the blood and then I crossed that's how I crossed over into infomercials from the yes from that because the critics hated me So I took that and you know went from rags to riches I'm curious to know like I tend to ask people Obnoxiously direct forward questions on this show and this might be a little too forward like did you how much Bob? Oh my god, okay?
I've been informed that it has a 22% on popcorn meter. My question is this, how about, can you give us a ballpark of about how much money you made from the Chamois universe? Okay, so about, okay, grossed 100 million. I made about 20. Wow, right. So fucking awesome. Honestly, okay.
It's my first time on stage, so I'm like, I'm actually kind of shocked. But you're doing great. And that girl, the blonde girl's supposed to get me a drink, but whatever. She's busy doing a drink. Getting hit on by a guy. Yeah. Yeah. I want a Bud Light, too. Whatever. Yeah. That's a long girl supposed to get me a drink, too, bro. Yeah. Heidi knows the type of guys that will punch her in the face. And by the way, I got this. All right. Let me get back to the question again. Sorry. No, you answered it about $20 million. That's the ballpark.
And then what happened? Did the hooker thing cost you time? Honestly, okay, you want to know what happened? You know, I was, this is like, I don't want to get into a documentary here, but I wasn't a cult for 20 years. I don't want to see what cult, because I don't want to get killed after the show, or maybe within the next week. Scientology, perfect. I didn't say that. You said that. I said. Well, it's kill Tony, so it's for me. I don't want to be killing me, so. You're good. I didn't say that. But, so I was 20 years in it. Unfortunately, it wasn't a sex cult. It was a reading cult. And then when I was in Miami... It's the opposite of sex.
I had $20 million in my pocket. I'm like, everybody, every model, the ones that I couldn't even talk. The Russian girl said, hey, let's, yeah. I don't want to even say who it is, because I don't want to get it. She started yapping a little. You fucking gave her one, too. Honestly, because I was a little repressed, to be honest.
What do you mean? Well, you know, 20 years in a cult that doesn't have sex. I mean, and if you have sex, you got to write it down. It's like a it's like a sin. Wow. Yeah, it's true. Whoa. Yeah, pretty bad. You had 20 million bucks. I should have joined a sex cult, but whatever. What? So you had 20 million bucks and you weren't really even fucking that much. Yeah. Wow. So then I kind of like, OK, this is like a podcast now.
Okay, it is. It's been a podcast the whole time. A big one. I don't think I sent it release.
Um, oh God didn't I hope you did. Oh, Jesus. Oh boy Vince Vince, please don't We get another rhyme. Let's get another rhyme from Sean. No, we're good. It's time to throw in the towel. Why this interest? All right, well, anyway, so how much did the hooker thing cost you?
I should have had sex with her, I guess, if I'm going to get blamed for it. But anyway, long story short, I think like, oh, wow, you can just have sex for like money. I'm like, I never thought. Is she on the rag? All right, that's the last towel joke. Oh, hey, there we go. Abs are fucking lutely. All right, there's one. You want to know what a thottist, by the way? I come up with products and names for products. Yeah, I'm the owner of the products. So I came up with the word thottist.
So like let's say you like Trump and I like Biden right here. We don't hate each other right Yeah, but if you I hated you because you like Trump I would hate your thought so that's called a thought is so like the color So you know how racist hate like black you like you don't like black people as well
I mean, you're jumping ahead there. I'm not going to let you work the soundboard over here. That's for sure. Oh, Red Man. Do not do that anymore. Try the monkey, Red Man. No, like.
Like someone doesn't like a black guy because of his color. Color of his skin, right? He does hate him. So this is someone who hates you because of the color we thought. So I came up with the color, the thottist. So I'm trying to promote the...
I'm trying to lie. Your new product is a word. You've invented the word. Yeah. And it's free. You can have it. You can use it to give someone a hate to you for something. You can say, you know what? You're a fucking thottist. Don't be a thottist. Yeah. It's about like Trump. You don't have to hate me. You can just like debate me. Yeah. So that's kind of what I'm trying to say. Because, you know, I don't think it's so much. It's pretty good. It's not bad. Hey, red band's on the board. And he's back. That band's back. He's going to blow it. He's back. But he's back. He's back. Give him a minute. He'll blow it.
Uh... What's funny is I'm just trying to get my protégé to come on, and I know all of a sudden I'm out. No, you're doing good. Vince, no one wants your protégé. It's a diamond dozen. It's a diamond dozen. Move two feet, and your body will follow. Come on. No, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. He did good. The rap was good. The rap was terrible, Tony. No, yeah. That's what I'm just saying. He moves on. Let Bill Murray's brother just... Okay, yeah. Let me do the weave back with Trump. We met at, you know, when Underground Harmony was so offensive, we went out...
He used to be a caller on the Howard Stern Show and call and say things, and that's how we met. Oh, cool. Ah, Yosemite Sham. Wow, Yosemite Sham, wow. That is great.
So we met at the house. Well Vince, we're going to keep him moving along. Any last words to the beautiful audience here to the people? Your first time live on stage. First time I appreciate you guys all made me feel good. I love it. The goats of comedy and I'm hang out. Yeah, hang out. We'll all hang out.
Gippin', sayin', Gippin', sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin' sayin'
They will keep coming. Keep coming, sister. Give me a quiff. Give me a second. Shh. Shh. Sorry. I'm dyslexic.
Yeah, I could burp on command. It's pretty cool. I actually haven't only fans for it. Only burps. That's $5. I'm sorry. You're cool? You're hot. I was supposed to do a joke. Thank you. Yeah, my dad.
Hey, this is what bombing looks like. Um, someone's like, that's all right. That is all the time. You really get a chance? What are you talking about? What do you have a burp fetish? Well, Mark burp in her face. And then I think you were riffing you didn't plan on burping right away, did you? No.
Really? No. Yeah, obviously. Did you want to do, like, material? You burped and just talked about burping the whole fucking time. You know, it is a job, but, I mean... Do you have any non-burp material you'd like to do? Okay, thank you, Red Band. Very good. And it took him that long to blow it, everyone. I fart noise during a burp part of the show. Absolutely retarded. He's back, dude. Oh, my God. The king is back.
The people love it. Subretarded business partner, Brian Redban. 13 and a half years working side by side. Hold on, I have a question, I'm sorry. More on. Did you honestly plan on doing burp material?
No. No, but I heard some fucking weak ass burps up here. And so I had to compete. Hold on. I don't know who it was. Just relax. Do I think? Oh my god. What are you talking about? Did someone burp the suit? Into the microphone? Yeah, a couple of times. Not with her here. Right. Before I heard a burp earlier. And I'm the one who's wrong. Did Mark burp as soon as she got on stage? She did. She knows you the whole time. Yeah. And then she muted.
Sorry, I was defending her. I didn't tell you. That's on me. Let me ask you this. If you didn't hear Mark Burp many minutes ago, were you planning on doing your entire minute about burping? No, I got distracted. It's my ADHD. It's a joke. Thank you. No, I mean, I wanted her to do a joke when I brought her out here. I mean, I don't understand. Oh, I don't want to kill time. I mean, I already did, so. All right. You want a roof whore, but she's unlikable. Yeah, it's unbelievable.
All right, come on. Ladies and gentlemen, here to do some of her actual material, her non-fucking burp material. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark, put your microphone down. This is Brie Collette, everybody. Brie Collette.
That's pretty funny. I cut her off. Oh my god. All right. All right, perfect. That's it. Great. That is the funniest thing you could have done. That's perfect. You did it, Bree. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. It is so great to see that Amy Schumer has new material. This is incredible. So how long have you been doing stand-up?
I started in Portland about two and a half years ago. Two and a half years ago in Portland where they find that type of stuff unbelievably groundbreaking and hilarious. Super hip. Super hip. It's hot. So how much material do you think you have altogether? Non-burp material.
It's all at 20. What types of things do you talk about when you're not burping in front of millions of fucking people and the biggest opportunity that you'll ever have in your entire life, which you will look back and regret on forever.
As of now, but... Oh, yeah. There's gonna be bigger opportunity. Oh, yeah. Trust me, dude. The burp queen? Yeah. Should I wake up with the drama king? Yeah. Yep. And they're gonna fuck it. Which, you know? No, but, uh, yeah, I don't know. Dicks. What about dicks?
What about dicks? That's the best you do. What about dicks? I talk about dating. I talk about how I have bipolar 2. Oh, there it is. So I'm not the crazy one, you know? OK. And the ADHD and just I'm just fucked up. OK. Can we hear a zinger about dicks? A zinger? A joke. You know, like a comedian. A joke. Mark's from the fucking 20s. Yeah. Can we hear a zinger? Come on, you crazy broad. I took the look. I'm out of here.
Took a locomotive here to hear some zingas. All I'm hearing is some upchuck. Give me some yuck em up, she burp pig. Okay, okay, I like it. Talk about something, you're right in the newspaper, the periodicals. This is great. Keep it coming. I love it. You ever seen a dick? Okay, wait. Yeah, I have seen a dick. Wait, that's not how it started, hold on. Sit with five of them, babe. You ever put a dick in your mouth?
Not yet. All right. As soon as you put it in, it kind of like latches in place, you know? No? They're a head dick, you know? I don't even drink water. Oh my God. All right. Here's a little joke book, Brie. There you go, Bill. There she goes. Brie, collide everybody. She can belch, which by the way, everyone can do.
Little fun fact is anybody can do that. At any point. She's good. I'm done. You missed out on a star. Yeah. It should have been a gold digger. That was a superstar. Yeah. She's been the best yet, probably. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time. William Montgomery has the flu, everybody. Yes. Thank God.
William Montgomery with what some people are saying is up to a 103 degree fever right now. So he is out. However, ladies and gentlemen, here to close the show is literally one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Some people call him the American dream. Some people call him the green card Goliath.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Estonian Assassin, R.E. Mattie!
Uh, I am so fucking tired of being poor. I'm about to snap. When is it my time? Even if you make a million dollars now. Remember when you were a kid? You thought million dollars. That's a fucking summer house in Italy. Downtown apartment in Austin. Now a million dollars. Woo, one bedroom in Flugerville.
Now if you're bad for millionaires, I'm like, fuck, Chick-fil-a is hiring. I don't know. When you look at rich people, don't you sometimes feel like you missed a year in school? Like when I talked, where the bag is at, you know? Because my school was like alphabet, Hitler, and then they were like, okay. Now go pay taxes.
What the fuck was algebra? Teach me how to run a scam, you bitch. Remember when we spent three years on a triangle? I'm 32 years old. Never even seen one. Teach me about offshore accounts.
And when you meet rich people, I always ask. I always ask, how? And they never say, oh, it's a real vague. You know, rich people love to say like, oh, the right place at the right time. I've been everywhere always.
Let me in, rich people, come on, I'm in the circle, let's go, I get it. Let's fucking privatize water in Sierra Leone. Let's go, I'm cool. Take me to Epstein Island, let's go. I'll fuck the kids. And keep my mouth shut.
The only people who do give you financial advice are dudes who are into crypto, huh? How come every guy who tells you about crypto is also on the bus? It's always your friend Tyler with like, bong breath. Dude, Bitcoin's coming back.
You want to be like Tyler, the fact that this information has trickled down to you means you are already too late. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you. Wow. Three minutes and nine seconds of brand new material.
Absolutely unbelievable. Ari Matty has done it again three over three times the necessary work that you had to do a whole cohesive bit. Thanks. You did it. I mean it is just unbelievable and you're getting in you're just sliding into home base at the last second with your I'm still poor material.
Right before you announce a new fucking giant tour, I'm sure, because you sell tickets now. So this is it. This is your last chance. Can't announce a tour without a visa. That is true. That is true. We are exactly seven days away from an inauguration. That's your buddy. I hope so. It's my birthday, Trump. Give me it. That's it. Absolutely. Give it to me.
I'm white. It's gonna go bad. The perfect specimen. Come on. I've seen your family. You love me. Superior genetics. I'm positive Trump will see this. I'm positive he will let you in. He's gonna deport you. I know, Ari. I know. I'm scared. I bet he comes on here at one point.
Probably, huh? He's scared. He won't. You think? I think he's too frightened. He's definitely not. First of all, he's had a couple appearances on the show. I don't know if you guys have noticed it. Some of the most viewed episodes in the show's history.
Well, you did his show at the garden. Yeah, I did his show at the garden. You did not get a booklet. I did not. I did give you a little book. It is true. It is true. Never heard of him. And the one ear of him.
That's what he said. That's what he said. Find me in a week in the front row of the inauguration anyway. Yeah, I'm positive Trump would love you. He has a great sense of humor, had his own roast 14 years ago, 15 years ago or so on Comedy Central. It was the biggest roast of all time at the time. And yeah, he's got a great sense of humor. He's one of the funniest people in the world.
I don't know what he would think about your accent, though. That's it. Uh-huh. Makes him worried, maybe. Probably horny. Yeah. That's a wise observation. I kind of like those accents. Yeah. Sometimes I see, like, American guys here, they have one, they have the flag, and they're, like, proud. You know, they're, like, fucking...
When they hear my accent at a cafe or something, you can tell they're like, what the fuck is moving into my country now? Just another fucking accent. Did they do that in Estonia? Like where the flag and they're like, yeah. No, not really. There's no Estonian pride. We don't have that fucking genocide energy, you know?
What do you mean? You guys killed everybody. You know those people here before you. You know that, right? Yeah, you guys participated in some wild moves. Yeah, you forgot. I know history. I have not heard of it. Always Nazis and Soviets. You little snake.
We did. I know all about your nasty little people. Yeah, look at you. Yeah, getting where you fit it. Hey, we gave ours casinos, motherfucker. Yeah, exactly. Nice little parting gift. You did nothing for the Jews. Yeah, which reminds me America's sweetheart comes out.
What else is going on in the wild world of Ari and Maddie? I went to Loom for eight days. I just got back yesterday. Diarrhea, I have now. During the trip. During the trip, no diarrhea. Street food, everything. Nothing. And then I got here. I went to the airport. That's where I got the diarrhea. It's a perfect place to have it. Yeah. That's actually what airports are for. Yeah.
What do you think caused the diarrhea? What did you eat? I ate, well, by burrito, I know. I came from Mexico, but I just felt like one. I can't remember the spot, though. I think it was called guacamole or some shit. That could have been the problem, huh? Because I've eaten chipotle. You've eaten chipotle. They've never had diarrhea. Right. Wow, that's American. Yeah. We cleaned it up. Although, it is a Mexican making it. But still.
Do you get lucky over there in Mexico? They do love me there, the brown women. How much you pay?
A couple of pesos? I've never had a hooker. I don't know. That's like an American thing, right? Get a hooker. What? That's not just America. I'm pretty sure that's a fucking stony thing. Yeah, they're pretty big about Europe and Mexico. Well, I went to a strip club here. The one that's supporting the show too. That was a wonderful experience. Were you at the Red Rosie, the yellow one? I was at the yellow one. OK. And I've never been to a strip club where it's like... As an Asian one? Oh, sorry.
What were you saying about the Hula Rose? It was a very positive environment for the ladies, you know? Yeah. Because I've been to like a Estonian strip club. It's not exactly like, you know. It's all like... What did they do there? Well, it's all women who don't have passports and they don't want to be there, you know? It's not exactly like a cool... Oh, you know. They're slaves, is that way you're saying? They're like prisoners? Something like that, yeah. Wow. If you look into their eyes, you get fucking... Hard?
But then again, our women don't burp on a microphone. Those ups and downs to everything. She performs at the yellow gross. Amazing, Ari Matty. Amazing. You did it three minutes, 10 seconds to new material. Ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. What did Chris Rogers do over there?
Oh, Ari Matty. Fuck yeah. I think it's Ari Matty in blackface. Ari Matty. Cam Matty. Ladies and gentlemen, do you guys have fun tonight? I don't know if I mentioned this, but Ari Shafir's brand new Netflix special America's sweetheart out now on Netflix. Check it out.
How about one more time for the great Mark Norman to everybody. Thank you. And come on, ladies and gentlemen, one of the best to ever do the damn thing, Shane Gillis, everyone, here live in the Flash. Thank you Shopify, Prize Bix, Blue Chew, and Zipper Cruder. We did it again. Love you guys. Have a great night, everybody. Thank you.
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