#693 - JEFF DYE + RICK GLASSMAN
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November 26, 2024
TLDR: Comedians Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban appear in a podcast episode with various guests, including Jeff Dye, Rick Glassman, and others.
Introduction
In the latest episode of Kill Tony, host Tony Hinchcliffe welcomes renowned comedians Jeff Dye and Rick Glassman for a lively night of comedy and improvisation. The show's dynamic energy stems from the diverse personalities of the guests and the unique comedy acts that unfold during the episode.
Episode Highlights
Opening Remarks
Tony kicks off the show with high energy, energizing the crowd at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas. He introduces the musical band and emphasizes the show's significance as the number one live podcast in the world.
Guest Introductions
The excitement builds as Jeff Dye and Rick Glassman take the stage. Their longstanding friendship and history in the comedy scene are evident, leading to playful banter that sets the tone for the evening.
Stand-Up Performances
As the night unfolds, over 226 comedians lined up for their chance to perform a minute of stand-up comedy. Some of the notable acts include:
- Ari Matty: Offers humorous insights into relationships and OnlyFans, blending observational humor with personal anecdotes.
- Carlos Lopez: Shares personal stories about life, comedy, and his heritage, engaging the audience with relatable experiences.
- Maverick McWilliams: Provides a glimpse into his life journey from acting to stand-up, sharing amusing tales from his past.
- Aya: Impresses the crowd with her clever comedy focused on her experiences as a Muslim woman and the dynamics of modern dating.
- Mio Love: Combines being a mom with her stand-up routine, sharing her unique perspective with humor and heart.
The Importance of Community and Personal Growth
Throughout the episode, various comedians touch on themes of community, personal growth, and the struggles one faces in their careers. The discussions often lead to laughter, but they also evoke deeper conversations about relationships, parenting, and personal anecdotes that resonate with the audience.
Key Takeaways
- Diversity of Voices: The episode highlights the diverse backgrounds of the comedians, each bringing their unique perspective to stand-up, making for a rich and engaging tone.
- Comedy as Therapy: Many comedians use their sets as a form of therapy, sharing personal stories that connect with the audience on a deeper level, thereby fostering a sense of community.
- Laughter as a Universal Language: Regardless of their backgrounds, each comedian finds common ground through humor, showcasing how laughter can bridge various cultures and experiences.
Wrap Up
The episode concludes with a strong sense of camaraderie among the comedians and the audience, embodying the spirit of Kill Tony as a platform for emerging talent and established comics alike.
Conclusion
Kill Tony continues to be a dynamic platform for comedians to showcase their talents in an encouraging environment, making each episode a unique blend of humor and heartfelt stories. Don't miss the next episode for another round of laughs and surprises!
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Hey, this is Red Man and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.
Everything gold and pony including his tour dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the sunset strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redman. Come be alive from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony. Let's go! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?
Yeah, thanks a noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. How about one more time for the best stand band in the land, huh? Groove-line horns, Raul Vallejo, fucking Carlos Sosa.
And Fernando Castillo on the horns tonight. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed Demadness on the bass guitar. Live in the flesh. The one and the only. This is indeed still the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Squarespace, Blue Chew, Prize Picks, Game Time, Talk Space, and Zipx.
Who would it guess? More sponsors than ever. Very fun episode planned for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? This is gonna be a fun one. And these are two guys that I've worked with for literally 17 goddamn years at the Comedy Store all around LA and all around the country. Makes some noise for two of my favorite comedians, Rick Glassman and Jeff Dye.
We're gonna have some fun tonight. Very, very excited about this. The boys are back in town. Hello, welcome. Good evening. Hi, Rick Glassman. A little. He's very silly, folks. Get ready for the silliness of Rick Glassman. He's a wild little boy, very goofy. I'm prepping them for you. Yeah.
Thanks. It really takes the air out of it when you say that. It's like my girlfriend's parents in high school. He's a nice guy.
How about a hand for Jeff Die, ladies and gentlemen. He's here. Thank you. Thanks for having me, brother. We're gonna have fun. You guys have both been on the show before. You know how it works. Over 226 comedians signed up tonight in this bucket. They are lined up at a bar across the street. If I pull one of their names out,
How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Isn't it great? The sausage fest that we have here. It's nice to have some fucking meat sauce in the mix. I don't know if that makes any sense. Meat sauce and sausage doesn't really mix well together. Some peppers, some spicy peppers up here with all the sausage. Anyway, if I pull their name out of the bucket, we wrangle them from across the street.
and they get 60 seconds on this stage uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them and the first name is pulled. I conduct an interview with them. We find out more about them. Anything can happen. Stars are born on the show. Giant embarrassments happen on the show. The whole thing's improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? Oh no!
Well, let the fun begin, ladies and gentlemen. This has been a big crazy week. There has been a lot that has happened. The best week. A presidential election. A lot of fun stuff happening. And there's a lot of talk about immigration and our borders and becoming a citizen.
here in the United States of America. But I can damn well guarantee that after this long week that we've had, that this first comedian doing a minute for you tonight will indeed become a citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, to start tonight's show, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian Assassin. This is already matting.
Hello. Any ladies here on OnlyFans? If you're not on OnlyFans, you are stupid. It's free money. Upload that pussy. Sometimes I see a homeless lady on Sixth Street. I'm like, lady. You don't need to be here.
You're sitting on oil, lady! I have a friend who's dating one of those only fans, girls, and when they started dating, he made her quit only fans. And he's one of those cryptos, eh, the future. Now they're in a one-bedroom apartment with two cats. What an idiot! If I ever get a wife,
A wife, kids, I don't give a fuck. Every pussy in this household is going online. Stand still, baby girl. We need a new kitchen. I'm like the Vince McMahon of Pussy. This is a family business. Thank you very much. Ari Matty, showing us how it's done.
Welcome, welcome, welcome, Ari. What's up, my friend? Happy you're alive. Me too. Me too. Fun week, huh? How's it affected you? How do you feel about it? Well, I'm a bit nervous about these immigration comments. Hey, Mr. Donald, I'm white. Please, Mr. Remember,
I'm coming from the other side of the border. You have a good face for immigration. It is true. Are you genuinely concerned or you feel good about things? Well, yeah. I mean, they're all saying, get them out. And there's a new guy. I mean, you didn't come across a border or anything, right? No. You just flew in. Yeah. Passports were checked. Yeah.
Well, when you hit that note, I don't know if it's illegal. That's fun. Do you have any friends that are concerned? Is there a lot of Estonian... No, I'm the only one here, so... Okay, perfect. And keep the rest out. As soon as I get in here, close up the border, Donald, we're fucking full! Fuck off, we're full!
Talk a lot about only fans during your set. Do you subscribe to anybody's only fans? I actually, I do. Some pussy is so cheap there. It's crazy.
It's like $2.95 with a weekend special. You're like, what the fuck? At that point as a lady, aren't you offended that you're pussy's cheaper than a Snickers bar? And you can subscribe, jack off, cancel, free. Yeah. Yeah. You got Behovel, bitch. Only fans is something, because it makes you pay.
You can't get what you want on free porn sites? Yeah, but there's that excitement. You see what I mean? Anyway.
Ari, a fantastic set. I tried my first Twinkie yesterday. You're your first Twinkie? Twinkie! Oh, okay. Not the... Not the gate, not the gate. Right, Twinkie. Yeah, Red Band tried to make a kindergarten fucking joke. The thing with the cream. Yeah, how did you feel about the... How did you feel about your first Twinkie? I see why you guys are fat. Yeah. What a cute name for a heinous result, you know what I'm saying?
It really is. Twinkie block! Pretty sure RFK Jr. is about to label it with fentanyl. I don't think Twinkies are going to be that available in the very near future, Jeff. Are you talking about actual Twinkies? Twinkie! It's the cream that's in the middle.
It's a hell of an adjustment where we only fans this and then fucking a Twinkie joke. Yeah straight into it. I thought it was like something I didn't know from like porn or something. You're just talking about actual Twinkies. Actual Twinkie, I tried it yesterday. Yeah, apparently a big thing. What made you try it? A black guy offered it to me.
A black guy? Yeah. A black. Hey, what up, what on Twinkie? Yeah. How did this happen? Anything a black man offers? I accept. Wow. Been there. I got three words for this room, and that is,
That's right That is correct Ari Matty you've done it again another amazing new minute Make some fucking noise for Ari Matty ladies and gentlemen
And now things get wild because we are going to meet someone together. Perhaps they've been on before, perhaps it's the first time. This is a very common name. So it could be either or on this one. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. One minute uninterrupted as we meet them all together. It is Carlos Lopez, everybody. Make some noise for Carlos Lopez.
Oh, we know Carlos. Look at this. It's that Carlos Lopez. Howdy. So I had some pipes breaking my house at last freeze. I went down the hardware store to grab some parts. When I walk in, first employee I find is trans. I don't want to be a fucking bigot. So I treat them like anyone else and that's from help.
They then asked me if the parts I need are male or female. Me being a smart ass, I'm like, well, what are mother options? They then said, buddy, don't get me started.
You think your plumbing's fucked up? My dicks in a jar. Thank you. Wow. Carlos Lopez, I fucking love it. Congratulations, rock solid minute.
What is this? Your third time on the show? Yes, sir. Number three. That is incredible. And you just started a few months ago, right? Correct. Yes, sir. Amazing. Not here. Fantastic. You're goddamn right. I remember it well. You made me a belt buckle. I sure did. Hell yeah. I wore it on the Brady roast. That's awesome. I love you there. Fuck yeah. Good to see you, Carlos. It's a big ass baller ass belt buckle. It's got my name on it. It looks like a baller. It's fucking so cool. Carlos, how's life been treating you?
Man, it's been wild learning comedy, learning to crawl before I could even walk. I know they don't recommend everybody come up here the first time and I understand why now I'm getting off for shows and stuff. I've just been trying to catch my pace, you know, figure it out. Yeah, fantastic. So you've been doing a lot of work, a lot of open mics. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. And you drive trucks for a living? All horses for a living, yes, sir. You haul horses for a living. Absolutely. Hell yeah.
Oh, yeah. I know one horse that's getting hauled out of DC in a couple months. Oh, shit. Anyway, how has this election affected you, Carlos Lopez? You seem like the kind of guy that fucking voted four times in different states.
Our border's gonna get a little bit safer. I'm from the border, so I'm happy about that. Oh, yeah, that's good for you, right? Oh, yeah. Even though your name's Carlos Lopez, you're excited about this. It's my type of Carlos, hell yeah. I'm Mexican the same way I have a big dick. For some people, it's too much.
I'll say it, and I know this is on me. I know this is on me. I don't understand, and I really want to. Could you say it differently? You're Mexican, like you have a big dick, and then you said something else about... You run me like... Have you been on Shark Tank?
Have I been to Shark Tank? Have you guys seen the Shark Tank where the guy's like watering trees and they're like, why don't you charge $10? He's like, because we're talking about farmers. And they all start calling. Oh, yeah. That kind of dick energy, dude. Yeah. Or just energy. Yeah. It could be. Is it too much? Because some people it is. No, it's fantastic. That's great. Carlos. Indeed. So you're saying you do have a big deck? Right. For some people.
That makes sense. Not for this panel. That's a great answer. Yeah! I suck my dick! I suck my dick! It really is. Because of the type of audience that this is. Absolutely. That'll be the last time I yes and any improv with Rick Kunk. You went into my dick! It wasn't like I shoved your fucking head on your... You can't suck my dick into me like Rick sucks! I'm just happy I'm not the gay one for a change. Very aggressive.
So Carlos, what else is going on? What have you been doing for fun in your life? Tell us the life of a horse hauling country boy. Man, you just been out here hauling horses and causing divorces, you know? This guy's a fucking machine. The man is a machine. What's your love life like, Carlos? You're out there hauling that horse cock around. No, I got a beautiful girlfriend at home. You do? Yes, sir. What does she do for a living?
She works for a law firm doing law stuff. Yeah, sounds about right. That's the kind of answer. Only a horse hauler could give.
He said, you made him a belt buckle. How does that work? You make belt buckle? I had a belt buckle, man. I got a belt buckle guy that makes belt buckle. That's some real fucking, it's some Texas shit. Something like he does that, he should just do that. Yeah, they don't do that in LA. No one, no one's like, hey, thank you for the opportunity I got you a gift. In LA, they're like, what about me? I want more. Here, it's like, hey, thank you. He was a real fucking class act, a real gentleman about it. Again, it's a badass belt buckle. Anyway.
That's just things dudes with huge cocks do for other people.
I predict as Tony gets more and more successful that the belt will get larger and larger. It is between your ego and your love of wrestling. It's gonna be a fucking huge belt. It's gonna be crown jewel size belt for sure. No doubt about it. I actually, I can't fit in the door with the one that I have prepared for 2025 right now.
Carlos Lopez amazing stuff you are you're doing a great fucking job man you have a natural swagger to your delivery is incredible you're a real fucking gentleman and a class act appreciate it great stuff Carlos there he goes Carlos Lopez thank you and it goes on and on oh yeah the Mexicans know what's up those these horn players they got their favorites
That is true. That is true bias Mexican music you're listening to.
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and we thank Blue Choo for sponsoring Kill Tony. Sometimes life is hard and you should be too. Blue Choo. I think it's about to switch to white, ladies and gentlemen. By the looks of this name, make some noise for the Kill Tony debut. I'd remember this name if I've seen it before of Maverick McWilliams, everybody. Maverick McWilliams. Hello. Oh my gosh.
I was on the way here. I was talking to one of my best friends. Boys, you know what it's like. You have a guy best friend. Just the biggest piece of shit, you know, right? Like, you'd never let him date your daughter, but you'd fucking die for him, right? I was on the way here. He was like, what are you doing, man? I'm like going to see a show. He goes, oh, nice, man. What band you going to see? I was like, uh, no, it's like, it's a comedy show. He goes, oh, you're fuck. You're still doing that bullshit? I was like, do you need something? He goes, yeah, quick question. What's the gayest thing you've done lately? And I was like, I don't know what Alex told you, but he's a fucking liar.
It was cold on that camping trip, and I don't give a fuck if it was in July, all right? We had to cuddle for warmth, okay? And it got me thinking, man, I was like, what is the gayest thing I do? And it's definitely fucking put on chapstick, blue eyes. Think about it, dude, you can't look assertive putting on fucking chapstick. You can't be at a goddamn mechanic shop, you're like, hey, I said I'm not being a goddamn dime over 1500 for this transmission. You quote me at 2000, fuck that, button up will do it my goddamn self.
Let's go asshole, put it in. Thank you. All right, Maverick McWilliams. How's it going Maverick? Good, Tony, how are you? Is that your real name? From birth. Yeah. Wow, that's a real fucking, that's a real name. Maverick McWilliams. Yeah. Hell yeah. What else do you do in life with a name like Maverick? Well, I've kind of had a weird life, man. I was a, I'm a failed child actor. That's a... Ooh.
They don't, ooh, what the fuck? I love it. Like, ooh, failed dreams. We love that around here. Were you on anything we'd remember? Yeah, I got my sad card and I was like, 10. Yeah, I was in the Spinex store with Jackie Chan. The what? The Spinex store? Spinex store? Yeah, I was on Netflix. I got a credit. What's up, dog? Give me some of that. Okay.
What else? What else? My next story? Couple national commercials and then the housing crisis hit in no way and I had to move back to New Mexico. Oh, did you have a good time? Hold on. Stop responding to every noise that the crowd makes, Maverick. Sorry, dude. This shows that we're up here, Maverick. Yeah. My dad was a contractor in New Mexico and that's kind of what kept me and my mom in LA doing that. And then once his construction business 100, I had to move home.
be a normal kid, you know? So you were in LA. Yeah. Housing, crazy. Housing crisis hits. And you go to New Mexico. Yeah, where I'm from. So you, how soon after Spy Next Door was that? This is how fucked up it is. That was the last audition I went on and it filmed in Rio Rancho, New Mexico. And so they're like, hey, you're already fucking head there, dude. Might as well, you know, say a couple of lines for us when you get there. So it was, uh, it's kind of weird. Did you think to do any background in Breaking Bad?
No, but I'd have a lot of cousins to do meth, so I got a... Yeah, I got a lot of expertise in that shit. It was happening right there. They were filming right there. One of the biggest shows of all time. You never...
No, I mean, when that was all filming, I didn't really have an interest in it. I rode you in, like, high school and college, and then I was in the military. I'm a welder and a piper. I just had, like, a lot of weird shit going on. Hey, sorry about that. Sorry, bro. A lot of man stuff there. Welding, pipe-fitting, rodeo, what else? Tell us more about the wild life of Maverick McWilliams. Well, I was backstage about to go on, and I heard you talking to Carlos about his buckle. I make, like, leather...
Like, belts, wallets, things like that. Cool. So... What else? Jesus Christ. Well, my social is, um... No, he means like, because he said things like that. What else with the leather? Oh, so, yeah. So, belts, wallets... No, no, no. Not what else with a... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know. Roar! Um...
Not a surprise, I hunt. I just killed a 10 point the other day in Oklahoma. That was pretty cool. Okay, yeah. Okay, see you're a real man. You guys hate that 10 point, huh?
You drive a truck, Maverick? Right now, I do. It's a smaller truck. It's a Tacoma, but yeah. OK, a Toyota. Well, I've always driven like full-size trucks. And then when I started doing more comedy, like on the road and stuff like that, I want to need some of that better gas mileage, but something I can still kind of hunt with, you know? OK. Stop acting. Right. Yeah. Start acting like you could afford a better car, and it'll come to you.
Oh, man. What's your love life like Maverick McWilliams? You have the name of a porn star. Uh, of a girlfriend? She's in med school right now in Oklahoma. She's awesome. And we've been together for about a year. So it's going well. OK. Yeah. That's her Instagram handle. Daddy wants to take a look. Yeah, it's Ms. Glassman. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. You don't talk to the panel like that. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. And you ignore them. Sorry, Tony. Go ahead, bud. You're the man. Thank you, Rick.
My buddy old pal, Rick. We are doing it tonight. Oh, man. So Maverick, tell us what made you start standup? How long you been doing it? I've been doing it eight years. Wow. Yeah. All in New Mexico? No, New Mexico, Oklahoma, then here. And I just moved back to Oklahoma. So you went back, right? Well, it would make you move from here to Oklahoma. You're going to fucking hate me when I tell you this. I'm joining the fire department here. And I'll join to the fire department. I'm in the process of joining the fire department here.
And it's a six month academy and it's really rigorous and I won't have time to go back home to see my family. So for the holidays and stuff to see my girlfriend and my dad, I just thought I might spend the last bit of the year. The academy will start like early next year or so. So they're in Oklahoma.
Yes. Yeah. Your girlfriend's in Oklahoma. Yes. Your dad moved from New Mexico to Oklahoma. He's from there originally, but yeah, when him and my mom got divorced, he moved back to Oklahoma. So when did him and your mom get divorced? I was about 13. You were 13? Yes. That makes sense. OK. And what made them get divorced? Did you ever figure it out? You know, I don't want a name drop here, but I was. Don't do it.
I open for Josh, Wolf, and Oklahoma City, and he asked me the same question, and I think, I mean, they just got married young, got married out of college. I think they were just two different people, and then... So they never told you? No, I don't know nothing, dude. How long have you been with this girlfriend of yours? About a year. Okay, you have any special moves in the bedroom? Maverick. Just try my fucking hardest. That's it. Yeah. What do you do? What's like when you say... Great answer, Maverick. The people love you.
When you say you try your hardest, what exactly does that entail? I'll take it from here. Only 86% of women could orgasm penetratively. Less than that, come on. Buddy, no it ain't. You know what, go ahead.
I'm sure we want to hear from this guy. Mr. Let's go asshole. Let's put it in. The other guy got, the other guy got, hauling horses, getting divorces and upload that pussy. And you have, let's go asshole. Let's put it in. You ain't a Ford in a full size SUV. Tony, I'm sorry, you're the man. Let's go back to your, let's go back to the question I asked three and a half minutes ago. I'm sorry. What does that entail?
Over here right over here. That's one of those this is one of those moments It just entails, you know, just you know be a giver, you know, just make sure they're taking care of I guess this is I should be fucking pissed if I was talking about this on the biggest podcast in the world and Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's I'm actually I'm not good at sex. Actually, that's what we should probably should have said
Right off the bat. When you say you're not good at it, can you give us an example of what you mean? Just the fastest fuck you've ever seen. Amazing. Is there anything you try to think of to not be so fast? Do you have any tricks to trying to last longer? Have you attempted at all to try to last longer? No, not at all. I don't. Yeah, it's just incredible. Because when you try, you can fail and I don't want to fail her twice in a night. So, yeah. There you go. I love that.
Maverick, Mick Williams, you're a funny guy. Welcome to the show. There's a big joke book. Thank you. Thank you. Some real handmade leather from the Great Bones Eye. He could have made one himself since he's a leather-making, pipe-fitting, welding, everything guy.
We have a special treat for you right now, ladies and gentlemen. The brand-newest Netflix special debuts at midnight tonight. It is called the Dark Queen. And the Dark Queen herself is here to grace us with our presence here. To do a little bit of stand-up comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, she's been a guest on this show before. Here to just flex on us a little bit, make some goddamn noise for the great and powerful Adrienneia Pollucci, everybody.
Make some fucking noise for Adrienne. Oh my god, thank you. How are you doing, all right? Yeah. My friend told me a statistic the other day that every minute a woman dies from breast cancer, which is crazy when you think about it, because the lines for the women's bathrooms are still so long. You're like, hurry up survivors.
Some of us have to pee. Now, look, I have no idea what's going on in the Middle East, which is why I feel like I'm the best person to talk about it. I want Palestine to be happy idea. I just I don't know how to do that. I think they want all of Palestine are like from the window to the wall. I don't know. I don't know the rest of the joke, but I don't know.
No, I do. I want that to be... Has anyone, like, even tried to give Palestine casinos? No. Like, look how well it worked for us. The... The Native Americans are so happy. They love it here.
American named some like racist teams after them. The Palestinian paragliders. That's just like one. I don't know. No. I think Hamas wants to kill the Jews, but they are just limited to Israel, which is not like the best way to get your genocide going. Just doing it very grassroots.
But if you think about it like that, it kind of just proves there's nothing to really do with the Jews at all. It's just that area of land. Whoever lives there, they'll never get along. You know, if Asian people live there, they're also not like the Asian people. And I know that first hand, because I lived in the Bronx my whole life and I hate Puerto Ricans. What up?
But I would like to propose as a little exchange program where we send the Puerto Ricans to Israel. And then we send the juice to the Bronx and you'll see how quickly the Palestinians beg for the juice to come back. This music is on all night.
Obviously, that's a joke. I did almost exclusively Hispanic guys. Like, if you look throughout my dating history, it looks like I'm trying to start my own baseball league. All right, that's all I'm doing. Adri and I are Pollucci, ladies and gentlemen, the newest special on Netflix, the Dark Queen. Adri and thank you so much. We love you. Thank you guys for having me. Make some fucking noise for Adri and I are Pollucci.
Just people dropping in fucking crushing. No big deal, just the newest Netflix special. All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to rock Turner. Rock is next. Make some noise for rock, everybody. Hey, I'm autistic and have ADHD.
Great, yeah, I wish I had you guys in school. You could have popped up anytime. I said something inappropriate. You're like, yay, autism. We would have confused the shit out of the bullies. But I was just odd and I did unpredictable things. Like you've been watching a movie and they randomly break out into song and dance and you're like, this is a weird remake of Training Day.
Yeah, that's what it's like hanging out with me. Any random bit of lyric that I hear will set me off, and the Tism doesn't keep track of who's been canceled. So you could go up to me and be like, I believe, and I will cut you off, like, I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Yeah, that's about the reaction that I normally get. Tony?
Okay, 57 seconds from Rock Turner. Autistic and ADHD. And you don't need to keep clapping like that. The wait, he knew the exact time, but a little off like Chris Rock. Like the rocks are good with their time.
Someone just broke a glass over their head. After the comedy stylings of Rock Turner, autistic and ADHD came out guns-a-blazing, like a 22-year-old girl, just with excuses. I'm autistic, I'm ADHD, I believe I can fly.
How old are you, Rock? 41. 41. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since about a year. About a year we're at. All in Austin area. All in Austin. Is this where you're from? I've been there for 20 something years, so pretty much. Okay. What made you move to Austin 20 something years ago? I went to University of Texas. Okay. What do you do for a living? I am a photographer and videographer.
Okay. And you get a lot of work here. You make a living doing that. Yeah. You're good at it. Really good. Okay. Better than you are. It's stand up. 100%. 100%. Perfect. What do you do for Fun Rock? Tell us more about the insides of Rock Turner. It's funny as a rock. Nice.
I play guitar, play video games, do photo and video stuff. I mean, I love doing that shit. It's good. I love it. I love it. What other types of things do you talk about in your stand-up comedy? My parents, I'm kind of estranged from them, so I got a few jokes about them.
You're estranged from your parents? Yeah. So they've seen you do stand up before. No, no, actually, no. OK. Why are you estranged? Go ahead, Rick. Well, I just, I feel like estranged means they don't talk. You can't say estranged if they passed away, can you? Well, yeah, they're still alive. Yeah. I know I'm old, but not. Tell us why your relationship is strained with your parents. Just, you know, typical
Boomer parents beat the shit out of me, like all that stuff. They did? Do you think you'd be autistic in ADHD if you were raised differently? No, yeah. I don't know, maybe. I would think so. I'm pretty sure that I have something called Ella Damos as well, so. Lexical joints. Hold on. OK, Rich. Hold on. Let's get the information from the people here. Like, when I ask them a question, you have to wait until they answer.
So what the fuck do you think you have? It's Eller Danlos. It's like a conductive tissue thing where you have... It really is, oh my god. I thought Rick was scared. What are the odds of her being serious like that? I know I'm responsible for the reputation I have, but at some point you have to look at yourself and be like, maybe Rick does know about flexible joints.
Oh, yeah. Oh, it's happening. Can you show us some of your, some of your condition? Can you come on, give me some connective tissue music, guys. One, two, three, four.
Whoa. Wow. Oh, my goodness. You know what? If I was your parent, I would have beaten you two. Really push it to the limits. Yeah, that's true. That's what happens when your parents bend your fingers back when you're a little kid. You end up with... No, I may not have anything wrong with me except for that then. What? It was just...
They beat me into flexibility, maybe. Absolutely. That's what I was implying. What's your love life like, Rock? I've been married for 14. All right. Red band? Almost a decade now. You've been married for a decade. Yeah. OK. And what does your wife do? She's a photographer, too. Wow. You guys just go around capturing other people thriving. Yeah. Does anyone ever take pictures of you guys? Not really, actually. Yeah.
Well, that's a mistake. Right, there we go. It's about to change. No, it ain't right now. Oh, it's us? Ah, fuck. Nice. Touché. Touché.
I don't have four words. I don't have to take this for it, you will. Up, load that. Getting, that's three minutes. Let's go ahead. Oh, no. If I could be, sometimes like, I can't tell if you're serious, I want to have a genuine moment for a minute. And I just want to say, honestly, it's not your fault. All right, yeah. It's not your fault. Rock, how long have you been? That's enough. I was going to do that for a while. OK. Oh, no, it's OK. It's OK.
Rock, how long have you been playing guitar for? 24 years. 24 years. You know what, do we have that extra guitar, Matt? Okay, let's plug that shit in. We're about to find out exactly how fucking autistic this guy really is. Oh my goodness. Look at that fucking sledgehammer. That's, don't, you're supposed to speak to a woman like that.
My goodness gracious. Here he goes ladies and gentlemen. He's ready for his moment. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a little guitar from Rock Turner everybody.
Hold on, Bann. No, don't save him, Bann. All right, I'm gonna stop you there, Rob. Tony, I'm gonna only say this one. Just, I'm only, I'm just... Dean Madness is roasting, I'm Rick. I have to jump in. He's got Ellis Dan laws. Have a flexible moral standard.
Come on, man. 20-something years. Why don't we ask him to show up some of his videography while we're at it? Oh, my God, it hurts. Maybe it is your fault. No, no, you're the man. The videography is much more impressive, too. I'm sorry. What? The photography and videography is like Disney World, Disneyland. Like, are you one of those Disney? Good question. Is it like Disney railroad? Great question for bread band. Is it like Disney railroad?
I never heard of it. Sorry. Amazing. Is it against the law to ask that he says what his thing is? So I could look at his videos. Sure. Plug your video. What is B Turner photography and films? BTU-R-N-E-R photography and films. And what is your rate? Depends what you're asking for. Hey, that's not the attitude I'm looking for. All right. 4.50. Rock, here's a little joke book.
One thing at a time, they're ADHD. All right. Here we go. There goes the guitar. And there goes Rock Turner, everybody. Check it out. Anything can happen on this show. Again, sometimes stars are born. Sometimes it is just a fucking mental health clinic up here. Sometimes you're stuck between two people with autism. We're getting out of an ear.
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For $20 off. That's why download game time today. What time is it? Game time All right, it's time for one of the most amazing regulars in the entire show's history ladies and gentlemen This guy every single week writes and performs a brand new minute make some noise for one of the all-time greats This is indeed the one and only the great and powerful cam patters and everybody
What's up, man? I'm getting older than I realized stuff about myself, or I realized recently that I'm toxic. I just realized that. Because I got a new girlfriend, and my ex called me out of nowhere, and she was like, I see that new girlfriend. And I don't care. I just want you to know that if you marry that bitch, I'm gonna have, I'm gonna come to your wedding with a bomb strapped to my chest. And my dick got hard.
I was like, what did you say? I rub my nipple and see you said, what? My homo, like, why would Joe did get hard? That's crazy. I was like, you gonna understand, bro, my mama gonna be on my, my daggle me at my wedding. My grandma gonna be there. You gonna kill all them for me? What you for the where, when you gonna blow my wedding? You gonna have a thong on me, blow my wedding up? Yeah, that's the whole joke. That's all of it. I'm not gonna stop. Now, I guess I can tell you what I did is we, I went to Akron. That place is terrible.
We don't need it, LeBron, or the thing we need out of the act. I feel like this world is just LeBron's world. Y'all ever think about that? I'm glad I got out of that one. There it goes. We made it!
I had a hot, out of seconds, I had a Hatterson. Bringing up the fourth greatest basketball player of all time, LeBron James. I gotta tell you, yeah, no doubt about it. Tony, Tony thinks one, two, and three's Trump. What the fuck is going on him? Okay.
Very good guys, we really went a little wild on that one. Trump doesn't play basketball, what the fuck was that about? It's Jordan. Go ahead. Trump. Jordan. It's Jordan. John Stockton. Patrick Ewing. Okay. And then LeBron James. No doubt about it. If you would have asked me two weeks ago, I would have told you he was the second best of all time.
Oh, he did post that bullshit. Man, fuck LeBron, take it. God damn right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, fuck LeBron, take it. Put your ass nigga up. LeBron. And you can't say that. Yeah, I can't say that. Fuck, nigga. Yeah. What you gonna do about that? Fuck, nigga, huh? That's why your son asked. Yeah, now let me say that. He's okay during the regular season. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it. That's fine. That's fine. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Fuck, Brody, nigga! Fuck, Brody, dude, nigga! Fuck, Brody, dude, nigga! He just doesn't know how to be a real team leader. Kobe is ahead of him. Hell, yo. I mentioned Kobe before Stockton. Yeah, no, I... Stockton is crazy. You're right, he's the fifth best basketball player. Stockton is insane! Stockton is the fifth best basketball player of all. Stockton, nigga! Yeah, mugs, he bogs. You know, you're like... Okay, I'll take mugs, he bogs, cuz he black.
A lot of people don't know this, and this is kind of like you're... Stockton actually is known for having... I'm in the locker room having a really big dick. Hey. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm getting soundbites, bitch. Oh, okay. Well, I gotta be a bitch. Oh, you got aggressive energy, and I got aggressive energy. You got aggressive energy. I'm gonna... My instinct is to wrestle, and I know I'm wrong. Tony? You are indeed wrong. All right. You got out of two things tonight.
What did that even mean, man? I understand half of your shit, but funny stuff. Okay. Rick, turning up the heat here is the episode goes on. He's getting a little more, a little more, a little more Rick glass. All jokes aside, Cam, I think you're fantastic. Good to see you, my man. Good to see you, too. Here he goes. Here's the disclaimer. Very good.
Uh, so the interview will continue with Cam Patterson. Here it goes. Uh, Cam, how's this week been for you? It's been good, man. Tell us more about Akron. It was terrible. Yeah, it is. It was one of the workplaces I've been to in my life. Very small city. Very small city. I'd imagine your agents and managers are trying to squeeze you for everything to take you everywhere. Well, no, I'm home. My homeboy, uh, they asked me about it, and I was like, no, at first. I'm gonna open up my dog, John, where he's from Akron.
So I was like, why go out there? Can you get to go back home and shit? And he just had a traumatic experience, really. What happened? He got back home. His middle school was closed down. His elementary school was boarded up. His childhood home, he grew up at burnt to the ground. Wow.
We should have stayed the fuck out of Akron, and when I think about it, place is fucking horrible. One guy, can I do this thing at the end of my soul now? Why just do therapy with Cam? Because I'm a therapist. I don't even know that I'm a therapist. And so people just ask me questions, and I give them solutions, right? Man, this one guy said, hey man, I live in Akron. What should I do? And I just said, kill yourself. Oh. Yeah. You should probably murder yourself with your family and go to heaven. Yep. Get out of here, man. Die.
And I also been in your hometown, which it wasn't, it's not better, right? It's not less about it. Northeast Ohio is the worst place on Earth. Yeah, it's very rugged territory. Rick Glassman's from Cleveland. Boy, my arm's tired. Yeah, I hate Ohio. I hate Ohio. Famously, the home of Goodyear tires. Yeah. And LeBron James. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck, nigga. Yeah. Now I'm playing. I love you. Love to see how much he got paid to make that endorsement.
anyway oh yeah they took paychecks I'll be running what I want y'all don't feel what I'm saying fuck y'all to this yeah that's true that's another thing his son sucks at basketball
He's the only guy that's been entitled to uh, to uh, nepotism in the NBA. You follow basketball, correct? Yeah, you play basketball. Am I correct? He's annoyingly good at basketball. Yeah, he, I don't like, I don't like that. I know Rick Glassman so well. And I was like, I'm going to fucking dunk on Rick Glassman. And then I showed up and you were infinitely better than everyone that was playing. Wait, wait.
Yeah, I'm very average, but I'm tall. You think you beat me? I got two K on me right now
I'll take that bet. I just want to ask the audience one question here. Do you notice how much he's trying to sell his skills while I'm just sitting here thinking to myself, buddy, I ain't playing with you unless we got an indoor court, some good air conditioning, and you get me a new pair of shoes.
What is that? Let me ask you guys something. I'd like to plug my video. I am phenomenal on YouTube. Okay, Rick. What if, uh, are you here in town tomorrow, right? No. You leave tonight? Oh, technically I'm in town tomorrow. I thought you went tomorrow night.
I don't even know anything. So what if I got you guys an indoor gym and we rolled the video right now of the game that you guys play tomorrow? And we can bet on it. I'll bet on it. No, Rick. Rick, you're saying no? I mean, ma'am. Cam looks excited about this. I'll put money on it. Let's do it. I mean, mate, I'll probably not. Why didn't I want to do you scare? You say like you're scared, Rick. You do seem like you're scared. Wait a minute. You say like you're scared. I'm never scared. I'll tell you what. What?
Where did he go? How I can't see. I didn't know I was trying to give him a fist bump. Can I say that? Yeah. Anyway, I saw it. I mean, maybe.
Maybe, yeah, let me know what I'm doing. Let's do it. Tomorrow, what's up? One PM tomorrow. I have a podcast at one PM. It would have to be early. I mean, how do we have to do it tomorrow? Why don't we do it before this comes out? Why don't you come to LA? No. You have to play here in Austin. Let's do it, man. It's indoors. Come on, Rick.
Let the record show that if it doesn't happen, if the video doesn't roll after this, then it was... Yeah, it's probably not gonna happen. I haven't been playing much. I don't know. If I'm gonna do this in front of a lot of people, I'm gonna want like... Oh, you're scared. He's scared, man. Wow. We're scared to play them like that for real, nigga. I'm like that for real, man. Hey, pop. You know what? I was right. Wait, wait, wait. I was right in number three in the nation when I was in 12th grade. This is why people are afraid of afternoon. You ain't know that? You ain't know that, huh?
Listen, man. Listen, man. Listen, man. Listen, man. I'm sure you're a good basketball player. If we were to play tomorrow and I've been playing much and I hurt myself or whatever, like, if it means that I have to say that you're a better basketball player than me, I won't only say you're a better basketball player than me. I'll say you're a better comedian than me. I think you're a better person all around. I agree with all of that. But there's one more thing I want to say. Live from New York. It's Saturday night.
All right. Rick, relax a little bit. Cam Patterson. Thank you so much. There goes Cam Patterson. I love LeBron James. Oh, a little handshake. Little handshake. All right. What a wild episode. You guys having fun out there?
All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Bena Koshiba, Ben Koshaba, Ben Koshiba, Ben. All right, guys, my name's actually Ben Koshaba, or Hoshiba, if you stay in the original Aramaic dialect. In English, Koshaba just means Sunday. In Spanish, it's pronounced Dejo. My boys on the box team taught me that. They're always like, hey, Ben Dejo, hurry up.
They're nice guys. One of them was like, hey, so you're not Mexican. Like, what are you? Where are you from? I'm like, I'm a Syrian. He's like, oh, so from like Syria. Like, no, no, no, Syrians are from Syria. I'm a Syrian. He's like, who are you here? I'm a Mexican. Hey, but check it out. Once I get married and the paperwork goes through, I'll be a American. I know I'm doing a lot of Mexican jokes, but it's only because Mexican jokes are like Mexican people. They always work.
Unlike my black jokes. The Arab jokes kill. Some of the more extreme ones bomb. The World War II Japanese pilot jokes never land. Pearl Harbor, you got it. So me and my girlfriend are arguing the other day and she just kept going on and on. I'm like, baby, relax. I love you. We can negotiate. She's like, I don't negotiate with terrorists.
Super fucking racist, but super fucking funny. I started laughing. All right, Ben, you reached the maximum time limit. The crowd loved it. How's it going, Ben? So good. Been here like four times trying to get on here from California. Yeah. You're my hero. I love you all. You guys are amazing. I love it. Thank you for saying that. How long have you been doing the stand up? Almost a year. OK. All of it in LA. San Diego. San Diego. OK. Where are you performing there?
Madhouse, mic drop. And then a bunch of different bars. You form our military? No. What do you do for work in San Diego? I'm a bartender. Okay. Yeah. All right. You fight. Yeah. Seven and one. Okay. I mean, I'm retired now. I'm retired. Oh, you're retired. Yeah. Why are you retired? Because I'm fat. Okay. Why are you fat?
I like to eat. Now, I just kind of fell off during COVID. My father never loved me. Sorry, I keep going with your actual answer. You fell off during COVID? During COVID. And then after that, it was just kind of hard to get back in the, I mean, I'm still training all the time. But Jujitsu, what are we talking about? Jujitsu MMA more time.
Okay, all right. 7-1, yet you're retired. You just can't cut the weight? No, it's not that. Honestly, brain damage. Yeah. I'm sorry, what was that? Very good. What else do you do for fun, Ben?
Um, I like, what was that? Say, what was that again? What was that? Sorry. I'd like to go out, drink, hang out friends, go to the beach, uh, still train. Um, listen to Kill Tony, do stand up. Uh huh. Try and make the world a better place. What do you think the most interesting thing about your entire life is other than your fight history?
Um, a lot of interest. All right, so I didn't speak until I was almost three years old. Whoa. And my first words were at church, and I said, I want to be a priest. And then I hit puberty and it all, it all changed. Yeah. Wow. You didn't say anything until you set a full sentence? A full sentence. Yeah. So.
100 or nothing. No, so actually, uh, when it up, I found out was, uh, I had like a something with my ear, so I couldn't hear. And then I had surgery. It was like three months later after the surgery is when I actually spoke. Okay. See, you were deaf for a while. I was deaf for a while. Wow, Rick Glassman. Yeah. So did he get lucky? Is that not from fighting? Oh, my parents were related, so... Inbred joke, you know? It's from fighting and wrestling.
And then you were deaf, and then that happened after. What was that? I'm joking, sorry. He's been taking it out on his ears ever since. OK. Is that a Freemasons ring? Yeah, I'm a Freemason. All right, man. All right, just one of that. So what is your ethnicity exactly? Because Shiba is an interesting last name. What is that? Yeah, Assyrian, or Chaldean. OK. So from Assyrian. Assyrian. You got it. And see you're 100% Syrian.
A Syrian. Sure, whatever. Who gives a fuck? Honestly, I'll be whatever you want, Tony. 100%. 100%. What are your parents like? My mom's a sweetheart, foreign lady from Iraq. Yeah, how about your dad? Let's talk about it. We're getting into it. My dad is a cool guy growing up. Wasn't always around. Where was he?
I wish I could tell you, I didn't know he wasn't around. I don't know if you talked to him since. Yeah, so he was, I stopped talking to him about like 10 years ago. Why? I just wasn't a good dad to me and my sisters. So just because he wasn't around sometimes.
My dad wasn't a good, I don't know. No, he just, he left, he. Where did he go? Again, I wish I could tell you. I think Bay Area, Arizona now, he's married to a Mexican lady. Well, we have a surprise for you. Yeah, here he is.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is Allah Akbar Koshiba, ladies and gentlemen. And here he arrived. Right now, hold on. Here he comes. He's, wait, Rick's gotta go grab him. And now here he is, ladies and gentlemen, your father! Baba! A slightly hairier version of Rick Lassman. Would you like to say some words to your dear son, Mr. Koshiba?
It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Wow. What a moment between the Kushiba boys, ladies and gentlemen.
That was the best hug I ever got from my dad ever. Wow. Thank you, dad. I love you. That is amazing. There he goes. Back to it. Not my phone. Back. There he goes.
Wait, what did you say? He's yelling at women because he's good all day. Oh, it's Rick Glassman, everybody. Look at that. What'd I miss? Somehow your mustache looks thicker. Added mustache.
This is incredible. Wait, what do you got there? Okay. Ben, we're gonna get you out of here. You know what? He's got multiple mustaches, ladies and gentlemen. Guilty! Unlike that other loser, I didn't quit acting as a teenager and moved to Mexico. I'm a real actor with mustaches, you dork. Oh, what are you Russell Cam Patterson to see you as a bigger dick? Fuck off. I'm not wasting my gosh darn time.
The crowd loved your material. Welcome to the Kill Tony Universe. Here's a big joke book. Ben Cachiba, ladies and gentlemen, on to the next one we go. We're flying through them tonight. We have another Lopez, ladies and gentlemen. Ben, get the fuck out of here. Go. All right, there you go. There goes Ben.
Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Eric. Okay, there's the mic adjustment. Thank you. On to the next one we go. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Eric Lopez, everybody. Eric, make some noise for Eric, everyone. All right, guys, so I ended up in Iraq in 2009 fighting for a Taliban. Obviously, I didn't get the 72 virgins.
a photo leaked out of me eating some bacon. But I did the next best thing. I walked into a carpet shop and I told you, yo, you got a magic carpet? He's like, no, I lied and took the last one. But I got this fuck rug. Since I like you, my friend, 85 bucks. You're like, you know what? Think about it. You got a dinner today. You spent over 100 bucks and you still don't get laid. Fuck rug guaranteed sex.
I'm like, man, you got anything cheaper? Yes, our most popular model, the goat fuck rug. 20 bucks, no goat can resist. And I was like, any goat? So I needed to say I fucked Tom Brady. Funny thing happened, wrap stepped in, throw yellow flag, penalize me for roughing the passer.
I know Seth. I know Seth done like three times. And at the end of it, like, yeah, that's like my balls deflated. All right, guys, thank you. OK, Eric Lopez. Welcome to the show, Eric. This is your first time here, correct?
Uh, actually showed up to that old place that burned up. Episode three in Austin. Okay. Yeah. No, we remember that. That makes sense. Uh, that is an old place where we used to do the show. See, we're on this show before. Yes, sir. Okay. And how long have you been doing stand up?
Since that day, you started then and there. Well, it was like my fifth time doing comedy, but let's say around coming up in four years. Yeah. Yep. No doubt. We've been in Austin about four years. That makes sense. That checks out. So what do you do for work, Eric Lopez? I'm a male carrier. Really? Yep. Okay. And you're a veteran. Definitely. Okay. Yeah.
Not like these other guys that just look like they've been in the military. The guy that looks like he hasn't been in the military was actually in the military. This is incredible. What did you do there exactly? I was a avionics marine. I worked on F-18s. Thank you. Amazing. Amazing. What did you do? You like fixed?
Fixed in planes, mechanic? They call me the lab rat pretty much the components that broke on the F-18. I just, I guess I did technical, whatever. I fixed the dude. Shit. I guess I'm a lot of them crap. I troubleshoot, I troubleshoot. Yeah, I'm a fault. That's what I meant. Okay, I love it. Did you kill anybody? No. But the F-18s did. Yeah, they fucked up some shit. Yeah, you got damn right.
Was it a tough transition for you to come back to society? How long were you overseas for? I did with just one tour of Iraq. Not that long. I did six tours of Australia. Comedy tours. I think we're out of banded a tour of Italy. Yeah, he did. You fat bastard. You fucking.
Hell yeah. He had an Iraq of ribs. He's never Iran in his life.
That's him, little piggy boy. So Eric, now you're a male carrier. What's it like out there being a male man nowadays? You running away from dogs and whatnot? Probably the scariest one that you always. They're about to get deported, so. All right. Yeah.
Okay. What do you do for fun, Eric, when you're not doing stand up? Oh, shoot. Um, just can't get at the house. Oh, you know what? I think I picked up on this one, man. I started cooking, like doing smoking stuff and everything. So, okay. You got a little smoker. Yeah. All right. What are you cooking in it?
Uh, brisket ribs, all the good stuff. I love it. All the text stuff. I love it. Fuck yeah. Rick Glassman, what do you think about this? I was just wondering if you do pastrami. Pastrami? No. Rick's a Jew. Excuse me? Rick's a Jew. Oh, they know. That's why casinos won't work over there.
Now I have a question. Yes.
When you were doing your thing, and it was great, but you were talking about fixing F18s, and we had a guy named Maverick, and I was just picturing what that movie, and then it's like, what was your job position? And you're like, eh, they call me the rat. And it's like, wouldn't they hire a proper engineer or something? Or they're like, the rat will do it for half the price. Let him fuck up these F18s. What does that mean? And did you fix anything with tape? One sec? No, no, no, elaborate.
That was a lab, right? I was like an air-conditioning unit. Everybody's out in the, and fucking out. Oh, shit. Lightline, yeah. Oh, shit. And he's like Leonardo in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3. Okey-dokey. Tony, Eric, the hell, you don't have to toss back to me. I just take it at that point.
Eric, what scares you in life? What are you afraid of in this world? Immigration. Wow, really. The second Lopez to be anti-immigration on this show tonight. I'm not exactly sure what's happening, but I'm glad you motherfuckers voted. Anyway, so.
Other than immigration, what scares you? Because you seem like, you know, you're a war veteran. You've been around. You're a guy with a smoker. You're like a real man. What scares you? Is there something where you're like, oh, no. Or something that you see where you're just like, oh, shit. No, God, no. Oh, fuck that, man.
There's like your normal things like if I see a rack going I'll be like it'll startle me. Oh my goodness Rat do you see a lot of rats? When I was in a rack I was in the picture. I take a flashlight be like make sure no spiders no rats coming around right? Yeah. Hell yeah, I'd like to just know what else you write up like in your act. What else do you talk about?
about being Mexican. You seem really likable. Like I just listening to you seem like a very living, you're talking about fucking Tom Brady and Jim. I'd like to hear more, but just wanted to know. There is a two and a half hour long roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. I was in the... Amazing. We were just talking about the home of Goodyear, and he's wearing a bad day shirt. Did you notice that? Honest to goodness, I forgot I was here.
uh... you're good yerick we like your style here you get a big joke book there you go eric low-pez let you go back to work this next one is inside ladies and gentlemen i do believe it is one of the
Oh, there's another Lopez song from the band. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe she works here with this Kill Tony squad. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Aya, everybody. Aya, I do believe it's one of our own. One of the many producers that helps put the whole damn thing together. She's probably taken up and it's a mix of noise for Aya, everybody.
Oh my gosh, it's bright. A lot of light. Shout out Thomas Edison. He would have loved flesh lights. No, it's cool. Not good with guys. I don't know. Like a guy isn't going to tell you, but I know I'm not good at hand jobs just because all my protein shakes are clumpy.
Like, I want to get better, so I'll just watch porn, but for educational purposes, obviously. And all I've learned is that I like incest porn, because at least you know they love each other, right? I don't know. I guess I'm just a romantic.
And it sucks being a romantic, because I won't see red flags in guys. I won't see a guy with dyslexia. I'll just see a guy who knows a little bit of German. Or like, I won't see a guy with anger issues. I'll just see a guy who can protect me from drywall. It's not good at all. Wow.
That is what we love. A star is born, ladies and gentlemen. Aya. I'm amazing. Welcome, welcome. You work here on the Kiltony production team. We've never really gotten a chance to talk. And so welcome, welcome. How long have you been to in standup? Like two years. And how old are you? I'm 22. Wow.
22 years old. That's how old I was when I started. How old were you when you started, Rick? 24. And how old were you when you started, Jeff? I'm not going to the math part of this. How long ago was it? I'll do it. OK. Yeah. 2005, and I'm 41. Six years. You were. Yeah, it doesn't matter how old you are. If it's 2005, it's been 19 years. What does it matter how old you are? I think you'd go backwards. Oh, 23. There you go.
Oh, go ahead, Tony. I welcome, welcome. So you started at 20 years old. What's your ethnicity? I'm African. I'm Moroccan. Oh, OK. Yeah, so I can hang out in the sun if you want. Nice.
What are Moroccan's known for other than their percussion instruments? Uh, phosphate? We have phosphate. Uh, we have good food. Um... Phosphate. What's phosphate? That is... That's what it means. Oh, Jesus. That's quite the retread band. Thanks, Red Band. I can see what's happening. They don't have a clue.
We'd fall in love and here's the bottom line, hit it. Our trio's down to two, Tony. Okay. No, I like that movie a lot. It's a good movie. The Lion King. Respect. No good tasting movies. Absolutely. 100%. Aya, what does a 22 year old do nowadays? What are you guys up to? What's going on with 20? Well, like, I don't want to speak on the behalf of all of them, but...
I really like poetry. I've been reading a lot of poems. I like looking at art. I like to make bread. I love looking at dogs. I used to breed Doberman's. You used to breed them? Yeah. How do you do that? What do you do to breed them? So you just get a male and a female Doberman.
It doesn't really matter. It doesn't really matter. Very conservative. Just two dogs. Just two dogs. No, no, I've tried it so many different ways. You haven't met my mother-in-law, Tony. Again, you don't have to toss it back to me at the end. You could just say, you've never met my mother-in-law, and then I'll take over naturally.
What's your glasses prescription? Oh, wow. A question for Rick Glassman. You could kiss the next four minutes. Goodbye, everybody. Here we go. Hey, oh, thought you'd never ask. Let me put on a mustache and answer it for you. OK, don't tell me. I have to stick with this with my guess, huh?
The left eye and the right. Two of my favorite members of TLC. What kind of wool is that? Okay, enough with the questions, Ziya. Enough with the questions. There you go. Thank you. Thank you, Rick. There he goes. Do you know what that bell means?
I should talk more? You know, when I first got my glasses for a subscription for a ballet, you know, it's like totally messing with everybody. Thank you. Thank you, Rick. Thank you. So I tell us more about you. Do your parents know you do stand up?
Yeah, but they don't understand it. It's very confusing. Yeah. What do they do? What do they like? My mom, they're super Muslim. They mostly pray. But they're not that good at it. You guys are safe. They could hang. My mom, she teaches a lot of Ethiopians Arabic. She loves Ethiopians.
and yeah, she's cool. Chef died. It's hard to have sex in Morocco. No, it's not. Unless it is. What do you guys, what do you mean? Like, what do you mean? Yeah, I've been to Morocco and I met a lady and she was like, we can't go to your hotel. She just went with you. No, yeah, yeah. You guy. You know, the women in Morocco aren't allowed to fuck you. Otherwise, it would be there in a second. Chef, get a clue, Tony.
No, no, sincerely. I met a chick. It's true. You have to bring up. We couldn't go to the hotel. And then she's like, but I know a place. And we drove crazy in separate automobiles to like miles and miles away. And then she got in her. This is a true story. I probably shouldn't share it.
Then she hit like a button in this weird place and all the windows closed, like from the things. And then we were kind of, I had to go in separately and we did the deal. How much did it cost you? Nothing. Nothing? Oh, it's free and cool. Free, yeah. No, they have, there's like sex trafficking there. Yeah. I didn't pay. Yeah, well, what you were saying. It's a fair question.
Pay it for sags, don't get me wrong. No, yeah. No, but you're right. You do need to bring a marriage certificate if you want to get a hotel with, like, someone of the opposite sex. I was like, just go to my hotel, you know? You guys should have just told them y'all were cousins or siblings. They would have let y'all see each other. I don't think they'd have bought it. Really? Yeah. Half siblings, maybe? I don't know. You and I could be related. I don't know what she looks like. Why would they buy it? Because she didn't look like me. She had a mustache. Go ahead. Say, what does she look like and why does that matter?
Okay, all right. I was just saying it's hard to have sex in Morocco. That's all I wanted to chase. Oh, I thought you meant like, technically. No, you're not. It's very, yeah, very standing. No, yeah, it's pretty much. I have all the parts, still. Yeah. Well, I regret sharing. What were you doing in Morocco in the first place? I had a travel TV thing on NBC. Oh, okay. I went to Morocco. I was like, this is gonna rule, and then it sucked. Do you go to Morocco a lot?
Uh, sometimes, yeah, I was like there two years ago, or like last summer. Is that where your parents are at? No, no. Well, that's where sometimes they go there and they leave me for some time, but... Who watches you? Uh... They... Well, I'm... They put on a little Lion King? No, no. They don't know what that is.
Oh, they're very serious people, it sounds like. Oh yeah, super serious. How in the world, how long have you been working with the whole Kill Tony crew here? Like over a year now. And so, how does someone from parents that pray all the time? Yeah, like I didn't wear t-shirts until I was 19. Wow, amazing. Does it always make it? Yeah. Yeah. Topless.
Amazing. So do you think that this is kind of your version of being kind of like a rebel? I mean, stand up comedy, free speech and everything that has to do with everything that you're a part of kind of is so seems like the opposite of what your parents would be into. Did they ever? Well, I think I'm just being myself. Yeah. And you guys don't have to clap for that. But
No, I don't think I'm really rebelling. I try to, I care about them and what they think about me. And so I just try, I try to be a good kid. Yeah. How often do you perform stand-up comedy? Do you work hard at this? Yeah, yeah. I, at least a few times a week. Yeah, you're really funny. Oh, thank you. Do you love it? You love it? Yeah, I love it. This is what you want to do? Yeah. Amazing.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to consider you the newest golden ticket winner on this show.
22 years old. You're here in the comedy capital. You're part of the Kill Tony unit. I just don't see how you're not going to end up being one of the biggest female stand-up comedians of all time. And you're gonna get to do more spots here. We're gonna get you in the mix. This is the part where Red Band invites you to the secret show.
Yeah, I'll see you on Thursday, yeah. And even though you probably have a bunch of these, you already have one. Your newest golden ticket winner, Eyel, ladies and gentlemen. Boo. Now, Tony's a nice guy, really respectful and stuff. No, yeah, thanks. There she goes, Eyel, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, how cool.
I just don't see how she can be stopped. She's already two years in. 22. Just got a whole fucking thing going on. Naturally funny. So, it has begun. Legends are born on the show and it is time for the return of one of the biggest legends of all time in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a while since we've seen this man. He is indeed a Kill Tony Hall of Famer.
I've been very excited about the long awaited return. One of the greatest roasters in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed David Lucas. Yeah. All right. And that did a shit was crazy, man.
That motherfucker was putting GHB in the baby oil. I'm like, that got to be the craziest way to get raped. You know what I'm saying? That motherfucker massaged you into the rape and you wake up the next day. I hate I never was able to go to a Diddy party. Because I know them hors d'oeuvres were off the chain. You know what I'm saying? Like Diddy would have got me with the food. I would have been in that bitch eating exotic cheese.
It's like y'all said this was ostrich. I would ate some of that food and been in his fucking closet with one of his robes all day. Dancing. Like a thousand bottles of baby oil is crazy to me, bro it is. Like did he have so much oil at his house that Biden ordered a drone strike? It's like. Like I feel if you got a thousand bottles of anything, you should go to prison, no questions asked.
I ain't like 1,000 bottles of black pepper. Take your ass to prison. Tony was probably at the prison with bail money to get Diddy out. But I ain't gonna lie, though, bro. I swear to God, I would buy a baby, I would buy a bottle of baby oil by Iraq, you know what I'm saying? Like cherry flavor? Or as black people call it red, you know what I'm saying?
All right. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. He did he had a thousand bottles of baby oil. David has a thousand bottles of olive oil. Tony, I'm so glad Trump won. Yeah, because you want to make America cake again. If Trump would have lost, you would have had to sell that pussy.
You would've started a new OnlyFans called Field Tony, you know what I'm saying? That's true. I actually bought the domain and everything. Hell yeah, what's up, Tony? You got Rick Glass with up in this bitch. Young Howard Stern looking at us thinking, what the fuck? That's funny stuff. Tony doesn't have to sell that pussy anymore because he gets two.
Rick, last of all, you got the sweater on of a nigga that got three cats. Shut your motherfucking ass. That is true. That motherfucker got three cats and a goddamn ball of yarn in his living room. Fuck you talking about with that dumb ass sweater, old bitch. You look like one of them kids at the elementary school whose mom is a teacher, you know what I'm saying?
Jeff died? I thought that nigga from One Direction killed herself. What the fuck are you here? What the fuck are you doing here, bitch? That guy was really hot though, I didn't see that as a joke. But you like 1987 hot. You know what I'm saying? This nigga look like he just bet $100,000 on sea biscuit. The other ass.
Rich, hot, I don't get the jokes here. Well, when David Seabiscuit, he eat biscuit. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game. This thing has to last for the game.
You look like the type of nigga take tissue and pat his dick hole when he done peeing. Well, you look like a fucking idiot. Hey, shut your ass off, you bitch ass niggas. You got a motherfucker heart of your shirt, nigga. Look at Rick Lassen, boy, yo ass. Goofy did a motherfucker. What just happened, Rick? What did you just pantomime? That nigga spilled his box water. That nigga spilled his box water.
David, it's been forever. It's been forever. I've been on the show. I've been on the tour like a motherfucker. I got too many kids. They got to go shoot. You do? You have another kid. You have a new kid. Hey, thank you. Shut up, bro.
You're gonna fuck my pussy up, nigga, what you talking about? No, yeah. I don't even know what you're talking about. It's been a long time since I see you. I guess it's an old kid now. I miss Tony, bro. I miss you like a motherfucker, bro. Yeah. I'm glad to see you do it good when I see you out there at that motherfucking Trump shit. I was happy that a motherfucker. Yeah. I'm like, I can't believe Trump let gays speak for him. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. It doesn't feel good, doesn't it, Tony?
It is true. You've been at some rallies, too, with a hamburger joint. I was like, how was Tony Gay on a Puerto Rican man? He's fucked up. That's what he called a booty-hole garbage. That's why he said, oh my God. How dare you? How dare you? That nigga Rick Glass would look like he got a Pokemon collection. That motherfucker.
but like he got a $10,000 Pokemon card. I will say I do sit to pee a lot of the time and I do collect magic, the gathering cards. You are hilarious. I just want to slap this nigga. I don't know. Johnny? Jeff died. Nick, you don't Jeff that motherfucking ass. Boy, you out here with the haircut of a single white mother. Boy, your ass.
You look like a white mother from a divorce that's doing well for herself. Now, she got a job in finance raising her three kids, right? No, do break again. Do break again. I give up. All right, bro, it's all good. Tony, what's happening, baby? Life is good. Life is good. I'm just over here thinking about how you look like if...
You can't relax on this setup like that. It fucks me up. I just want to hear the setup and I'm the lamb, bro. You can't. Is that your mouth for your asshole? I can't tell. What's that? Where's the noise coming from?
How did you know I- I know when you farted something like a rescue horn, nigga, that shit. This is so great. This is like a whoopee block to the view.
Now that Trump is elected, is the view still a thing? What are they gonna complain about now? Oh man, I don't know if anybody's watching anymore. Put your motherfucking hand down, bitch. I have one. I know you probably got a podcast with a fucking tranny as the co-host.
I don't even understand why would that one understand the joke. I don't know. Gay-eye for the straight guy? I don't fucking know. That one I get, and I love it. Now I got one. This isn't really my genre. I don't do this kind of stuff, but it would be Goldberg thing. I was thinking I could call you. Man, this black dude looks like sister Mary Clarence Thompson.
See what I'm saying? There you go. The roast that dumbass sweater off, look at you. The roast style. Do you hear looking like... Let's all talk at the same time. I got it. Did it not work because it wasn't funny or do you guys... It wasn't good. Let me just ask my question, Clarence. You know the answer. Does everybody know Sister Mary Clarence? Rick Glassman. That's the problem. Okay, very good. Rick Glassman, you look like you got a peanut allergy, nigga. You guys. That motherfucker died from Chick-fil-A, nigga.
He has the charisma of a man that definitely does his own taxes. Rick Glasser, I'm a force bitch. That most fucking L.A. shit, you know what I'm saying? No, no, no, no. Go ahead. No, no, no. You drink Boxwater, okay? It's like Sister Mary Clarence Thomas over here. Do niggas know who Clarence Thomas is? Sister Mary Clarence is Whoopi Goldberg in the Sister Act movies. Well, see, when you got to explain a joke, it don't work hard. You might be a redneck.
You might be a fan of it. All right, you guys are... You ever, like, found interest in a man? I mean, I want to watch it. I want there to be penis in my porn, but I'm into the girl. This nigga's stupid. Don't call me that. I don't know what the fuck is going on. Rick Glasswood is a fucking... You're a fucking dumbass, bro.
Make some fucking noise for the legend David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. We're having fun out here. Shit's real. One more time for David Lucas. All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there, huh? Another bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mio Love. Everybody, Mio Love.
My minute started. Oh, shit. Look, I'm 34 and recently separated. And for some reason, my right titty, she went cocky. That bitch looking like big and small. She doing a right face for no reason. I have to reel her back in. And I want to come back to the game with real big dick energy, you know? So I talked to my cousin and she said, bitch, you need to get wax. It lasts forever, and it leaves your skin smooth like a dolphin.
So I did, I made the appointment, and there I was, spread like a dolphin. The ladies put in the wax, she's put in the strip, and with no regards to my life, or to Jesus, she goes, Ching Chang Chung Sa! Man, I discovered the connection between your vision and that lip. I went fucking blind! I lost all control of my body, and for some reason I just kicked the lady.
Don't feel bad for the ladies. She got kicked before. Cause she took like a champ. She got backed up and she wanted to do the other one. At 34, I learned a valuable lesson. You need to love yourself. So right now I'm looking like a yin-yang. I got one bushy bush and was smooth like a dolphin, baby. Thank you so much. All right, meo love wild set.
Hi, Mio. Hi, Tony. How long have you been to one stand up? I've been doing four years. Four years. We're at. Killeen, Texas. OK. You are not killing anyone tonight. I'm from Garbage Island. You're from where? Garbage Island from Puerto Rico. Really? Yes, sir. You're originally from Puerto Rico. And a veteran. Thank you to all my vets today. I love it. Thank you for your service. What did you do? I was in the army for six years. Oh, my God. That is amazing.
What did you do in the army? I was a 92 Alpha logistic specialist. So to all my logistics, thank you. Fuck, yeah. Look at that. Amazing. How long have you been in America? Well, the army brought me here. So I've been here for 13 years in Texas. I love Texas. Yeah. Yes. OK, you're saying all the right stuff, Mia. Love. Amazing. What do you do for work now?
I'm a full-time mom, I have two daughters, and my oldest daughter is autistic, so I do full care for her. Okay, super autistic or like semi-autistic? She was nonverbal, and I would tell you a serious note. When she was diagnosed, they told me that it was nonverbal and she had like mental retardation. Marley talks.
Marley! Marley time! Red band! You hit the party horn for mental retardation? What kind of show is this? An awesome one! All right, so they told you that she was non-verbal autistic and mentally retarded, and then what?
Thank you to all the people that do ABA therapy to everybody that works for Autism Speaks. We love it. My daughter speaks. We love it. And she next year is due to start regular school with a regular population just with an aide. She's non-verbal. Let me ask you this. She's verbal. Tony, she's verbal now. Have you tried taking her to church? She's verbal. She's verbal now, yes.
Is that what you were gonna say? Okay. I was gonna ask one more for six words. I want to become a priest. Okay. Well, that's amazing. What was her first word? First words were mama, of course. But after that now is like, I want cookies, that's all.
Okay, so she's just like David Lucas. This is great. Amazing. Amazing. What do you do for fun meal love? What do you do when you... I do comedy since I'm a full-time mom. Other than comedy, though. I use my babysitter time for comedy, so I do my shows. Okay, definitely Puerto Rican. Okay. Still talking there after a blatant... Oh yeah, just talking whenever you want. What do you, Rick, last woman? Okay.
But let's just talk about it. Other than comedy, like when you put your daughters in the cage and wanna go out for the night, like, what do you do? I do come here for more comedy. I come here to the show for the comedy, Mothership is an awesome show. So I really surround myself around comedy. Other than comedy, there must be something. Non-comedy related. Non-comedy related. I smoke weed and... Okay.
And I swing in my hammock. Nice, fuck yeah. Look at him, mom is awesome, isn't it? Yeah, do you have boyfriends? Do you have like a little Puerto Rican whipper snapper? I don't have any boyfriends. I don't know, let's see. Okay, don't look at me like that when you say it. You're gay, Tony, not at you. No way. No way, Jose.
So I love it. You swing in your hammock, you got two daughters. That's very fun. What else do you talk about in your standup?
If it's for married couples that want to stay together, it's not the show to watch. For everybody that wants to know the truth, here I am. It's a public announcement every time I teach every class. We do every other Fridays in Colleen. Ladies, follow me. What? Hold on, what? You do what? I do comedy show every other Friday in Colleen. It's Friday late night. For married couples? No, no. For people that are not married. If you're married, happily married, don't come to my show. I'm my fucking up.
How? How do you fuck up married couples? Because I do point out everything that is messed up. You talk about crazy stuff. Crazy stuff, crazy. Have you had a couple divorced in front of you before? No, it's my first move, but the guy was crazy. He was Puerto Rican, of course.
Again, I have no problems with the Puerto Ricans. The joke was about the great Pacific garbage patch and also Puerto Rico as a landfill issue. You know about that. They don't recycle there. Did you know that? I know that. Okay, very good. They just, Puerto Ricans are very proud and we just want you to know that it's a beautiful island. I've been there. I love the island. I've bicycled around old San Juan. I love Puerto Rico.
Thank you, Tony. Someone make a headline, a news headline out of that so that my mom knows I'm okay. Can someone put that on MSNBC, please? Tony, breaking news. Tony Hinchcliffe has been to and loves Puerto Rico, especially the people of Puerto Rico who have the best sense of humor in the world. Thank you. Fuck. Me a love. Congratulations. I'm gonna give you a medium-sized joke book.
There she goes, Mio Love, ladies and gentlemen. All right, one last bucket pull. Then we're gonna put a ribbon on this fucking thing. There she goes, Mio Love. Gonna get one more comedian up here. Makes some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Lot of names here. David Joseph, Peter Sullivan, everybody. Four named comedian. Oh my goodness. Makes some noise one more time for the Kill Tony debut of David Joseph, Peter Sullivan.
Yeah, I just moved to Austin. I was going to redownload the dating apps here First thing that came up when I searched dating apps Chispa a dating app for Latinos that shit's crazy. I mean come on look it up if you don't believe me I mean who? Imagine imagine a cracker a dating app for white people you get fucking shot like like
I guess this is no longer Biden's America, this is Trump America, whatever. Whatever the fuck you want to consider it. But I was thinking about it, shit. Like, what if I created a nap for fucking jingers? So I did. And we've got five users now.
We're a few and far between. My only match is two people, one of them's in Scotland, and one of them lives back from in Portland. And I may or may not be related to them. That's my time. Thank you guys. David, Joseph, Peter Sullivan.
four first names on this motherfucker. Is that your real name? Yeah, the middle names are my grandfathers, Joseph and Peter. Yeah. Wow. Incredible. Was he also? I just thought it would be funny. Sorry. Was he also a redhead? I think he was. He died like a long time before I was born. Right. Or one of them died a long time before I was born. The other one died like two years before I was born. Right. Absolutely. Rick Glassman. It's OK. That's not your fault. Wow.
Gotta wait with that one. What is that, the soundboard? Okay. David Joseph, Peter Sullivan. What's it like looking like you?
Explain to us what a normal day is like. First, you wake up, you immediately, you know, you go over and you, I'd imagine you open your blind a little bit and you're just like, ah, the sun, right? It's just like, just fucking creeps you the fuck out. I don't belong in Austin, Texas. I belong in like a cold, dreary island in fucking Northern Europe. I don't belong here.
Right. No, it's not a lot of us here. I'll tell you that much. How are you surviving? Do you carry an umbrella round with you? I've only been here like a month and a half, but yeah. Okay. Where'd you come from? Portland, Oregon. Oh, Portland, Oregon. I was born and raised in Portland. Yeah, right. Great place. It's all it's not that great. Dumpster fire. Yeah. Okay. So what do you do for work?
In Portland I worked in like a finance in a Country Club and then here I was a FedEx driver for two and a half weeks and what happened then I quit cuz why cuz it's just fucking sucked Tell us more about it. I delivered like around here like to the Google building and Like a bunch of apartment buildings and it just fucking sucked so I quit
And I have savings so that I can pay rent. How much did you save, exactly? $12,500. Pretty close. Yeah. Yeah. How close? It was like $13,250.
I'm not wealthy like that's not enough money to live on. Oh, it's okay. Yeah. Well, I mean it's gonna run out, you know. Yeah, you're doing just fine. I'm trying to get another job. Do you have any pets? I have a dog. Yeah, what kind of dog? He's a German Shepherd Border Collie. He's like 85 pounds. Do you like turtles?
I'm neutral. I'm neutral on turtles. I don't know. I don't know where that's coming from, but get older, dude. Get it. You had a joke about a red-headed dating site, but have you ever actually ever been with another red-headed person? No, because I feel like if I would, it would remind me too much of my sister. So I have... Your sister is also a red-head. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. If you make a baby with a blonde girl, does it come out with a orange hair?
Okey-dokey. All right, that was the real sister Mary Patterson, Terrence Clark, Clark Clarence, Thomas Jr. OK. What would we be surprised to know about you, David Joseph, Peter Sullivan? Oh, shit. I'm technically a British citizen. How did that happen? No, it's not nice. Sorry, you're way more important than me.
Well, where's country on earth? Tell us about it. Go ahead. Well, my mom's a British citizen, and then she moved here, and she never got her citizenship, so like I'm technically British citizen. Sounds like your mom's going buh-bye real soon. Yeah. I do actually have a kid, which is crazy. You have a kid? Unfortunately. Wait, you have a kid? Yeah. You have a child? Yeah.
You shot semen out of your penis into a vagina and made a human? Allegedly. Oh my god. How old is this kid? She would be... The audience is shocked, by the way, for those of you just listening at home. Sometimes the audience mics don't pick up every day. No, nobody wants to have sex with the red head. It just sort of like happens, you know? Like, wow. She's about two years and two months. Wow. So I've never met her yet. Yeah, the baby is born, Rick.
It was a FedEx joke, Tony. Wow. And she was a redhead. I've never met her. You've never met her? No, I don't know. How is that possible? The mom doesn't want me to meet her. Oh, you've never met the daughter? OK. I see. I thought maybe this was some kind of glory hole action or something like that. You never met the woman that you impregnated. Was this a one night stand?
Uh, no. Okay, how long were you with this girl for? Well, I mean, like, we don't, shit, we don't, fuck. All right. We only had sex like four or five times, and it was like, it was like two and a half weeks, and then she got pregnant. Well, she told me she couldn't get pregnant. Like, she told me she was infertile. So I was like, why wasn't worried about it? Just giving her the old Boston cream pie. Well, she told me she couldn't get pregnant. That old red-headed fucking jelly bean over here.
just blasting away. She told you she couldn't hold this trick in the fucking book. And then there you are, just for red pubes, just fucking flying around the room. Just. I fell for it, yeah. Old fucking red nut Jenkins over here. Yeah. Oh my god. You fell for it. So did you blast inside of her all five times that you had sex with her? You may have gotten lucky. You could have had quintuplets. I think so. I don't know how it works.
No, it's just the one. Just once, oh. No, no, no, no, no, not quintuplist, it's just the one. Right, no, I'm saying you only came inside of her one time. I think it was every time. Every time. I mean, I was 21 years old, like I'm fucking ginger, like she told me she couldn't get pregnant and I was like, fuck it, this is awesome. And then,
And then she got pregnant and it's Oregon. Like the baby lives in Oregon and like abortion's legal. So I was like, hey, you should get an abortion. And she's like, no, I don't feel like it. Like, I don't feel like it. Pretty much. Yeah. Oh my God. She did trick me. How ugly is she? How ugly?
I don't know. She's like she's probably like an Oregon six, but like an Austin, Texas like two Wow. Oh my god. I cannot believe she will not introduce you to your own child If she says that you want to kill Tony, does she want to? Well, she's probably she's probably just too busy like raising a child so like
You say it like it's not your child. She's too busy raising your child. Biologically, she's mine, but like emotionally, like spiritually, she's not. So like. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Man. Golden ticket. Golden ticket. My goodness. So you are just completely checked out. You have completely given into the fact that you will not be a father to this child. It is amazing to see one of the whitest comedians on the show be such a black father.
I knew that was coming. I would, I would, I would love, I would love to. John D's and D Madden is shaking their head no at the same time. Never gets old to me. I mean, I would, I would love to, but, but it's either, it's either spend the next fucking 16 years of my life in Eugene, Oregon, or, or just fucking do what I want to do.
Right. And Eugene Oregon, I went to University of Oregon, go dogs, I guess. Number one in the country and football right now, fuck. But it's a shithole. It fucking sucks. Eugene Oregon, fuck that place. It's either spend my life there or do the shit I want to do. We understand the dilemma. Jeff died. Yeah, I was just saying, you guys can scoff all you want. That's very progressive, what he's saying. Yeah.
Why would I have this baby? I'll just do what I want. But you know, I've heard this from chicks. This is a tale as old as time. Yeah. I guess. I mean, I feel fucking terrible about it. You do. Oh, yeah. Big time. Yeah, amazing. It weighs heavy on my mind. Yeah. All the time. You've probably created one of the best strippers in the future, though. Red band. Red band. Will red band, ladies and gentlemen?
How's she look? Here she comes. Firestorm, everybody. Here comes little. Here's surprise. Here she is. Cherry pie, everybody. A little.
Better red than dead, ladies and gentlemen. Get out those wads. Make a rain, put out the fire. Here she comes. Little red-headed fatherless girl. It's Samantha, Joseph, Peter, Sullivan, Jenkins. It's Gerald coming to the stage. Cherry McFirepot. She doesn't have my last name. Here she is. Helena Hogwarts, everybody.
That was good. She's swinging on the fire pole. How old is this? That was good. That was good. She doesn't have my last name though, so. Well, I mean, thank God for that. I don't even know if she has red hair or not. You don't know if she has red hair. You've never seen a picture? No. You've never.
Have you ever tried to reach out to the mother? Yes. And she says no. Yes. Why would she say no to you? She fucking hates me. Why does she hate you? Because I told her to get an abortion. Because I told her, okay, I fucking hate you. Why would you lie to me? Like, why would you do this to me? And she's like, well, if you don't want to be a father, then just fuck off. And that's what I did.
Yeah, that sounds like you got all the way. I don't even know if she has red hair or not like that is like it It weighs heavy on my mind like it's not a good thing like
This is not the way that children are supposed to be born. I'll tell you what. Since you're a sweet little cinnamon boy, I'm going to send you off with some cinnamon, zippics, nicotine toothpicks, zip more, smoke glass. You guys want me to call the mom? I don't think that's a great idea.
I don't think it's a great idea. Here's a big joke bug with some cinnamon zippick's toothpicks. Thank you guys, I appreciate it. There's no way she would pick up, right? I don't even have her phone numbers. Wow, of course you don't. He's a redbeat dad. Roll time, baby. There he goes. David Joseph, Peter Sullivan, ladies and gentlemen. A medium red machine, which could only mean one.
There's only one place to go after that, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to present to you the record holder for all time appearances on the show, interviews on the show, Hall of Famer. It is indeed the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Van Nuys Nigerian, the American spirit salutatorian. This is the one, the only, the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.
It's kind of really weird because I matched with his fucking ass on a red-headed dating website, so I don't know what the fuck he... Jimmy Kimmel cried on his show the day after the election, and I don't know if it was because of Trump's victory or the fact that he had 112 viewers. But seriously, it was kind of ironic when the tears made his blackface run.
Okay, let's keep moving. So I'm actually working on a movie. It's basically the pot of little giants, but instead of little league football, it's a man who competes in women swimming. I mean, this is a true underdog story against all odds. He sets multiple world records. It's called big booty bitches in Bikini's volume four.
You know the worst is when you intend on handing out Halloween candy, but then you get so high you eat it all. And then you remember you inserted razor blades. All right, anybody here a fan of riddles? You like riddles? Here's what? Here's one for you. I heard this the other day. Who let the dogs out?
Okay, that's my time. William lights out Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. I love a good nobody's watching Jimmy Kimmel joke. Yeah, that was our that right off the bat seemed weird with the crowd. It scared me and literally nobody is watching it. It is incredible. Yeah, it is just an absolute fact.
Yeah. Gosh, and Tony, I have been, it's really scary. I didn't tell you last week, but I got visited by a ghost or something in my apartment, Tony. Again, I've been playing a bunch of call of duty recently and I lose laying on the chair thinking about starting to play call of duty. And I'm laying on the chair and my girlfriend is sitting beside me and my shirt does this.
Pretty scary. And then I met my cousin's house, Tony. This past weekend in Charlotte, I was in Charlotte. And by the way, I won't get too close to y'all. I feel I'm very sick. I was very worried about Charlotte, but I was somehow made it through. But Tony, I would do this day where I asked people what their heritage is. Are you Native American? I've just been doing some crowd work with that.
And then I'm talking to my cousin, Trey, and they have one of the big speakers that's like the Google equivalent of an Alexa. And out of nowhere, it says Native American heritage, Native American heritage twice in the middle. Your Alexa said that in Charlotte? Yeah. That's what my cousin's Alexa said. And nobody started. It's weird. It's somebody trying to tell me something. I'm just trying to decipher what it means. Why did they say that? And you think it was perhaps a Native American ghost that's like lifted up your shirt a lot?
I don't know what it is. I'm trying to figure it out, Tony, but I swear to God, it seems like it's somebody from the other side trying to communicate something to me, and I'm just trying to figure out what that is. Wow. So I'm kind of on a quest now. Well, Rick, actually, I don't know if you know this, but Rick actually sometimes can channel spirits.
I've seen you do it before. I know you're a little bit shy about it. I don't want to put you on blast or anything, but can you perhaps try to channel the spirit and see what happens here? I wonder if the spirit will have a mustache. Come out and say, Hiya. Hiya. Hiya.
I think I'm just gonna chill out. Okay. I don't know how the camera switches are working, but there's about four times tonight that Tony, like, he's my dad. He goes like this.
I'm like, every time I'm like, am I coming in too hot? And now I'm gonna do a spirit bit? Yeah, you've, you relax for a few minutes. Please, Rick, I need help, man. Seriously. Come on. Will you please help? How many of you think Rick should help William right now? Seriously. Look at these people. Look, look at them. They want it. It's Rick. I'm not doing good, man. Please help me. And seriously, after this, if you want to play Call of Duty, you could also do this at the apartment later, too.
Oh, maybe I will play that black guy in basketball. No, but the thing is, I don't want to make a... I do do that stuff sometimes. You do do that stuff. All right, Luke is laying on me. Play some cherry pie again.
It's okay, you don't actually have to play cherry pie. I don't wanna make a joke out of talking to spirits because if I don't see anybody, then it's gonna waste everybody's time. I have a feeling, I have a feeling. I have a feeling it was the girlfriend who was sitting next to you who lifted your shirt. That is a great prediction. How do you know that's not the case?
because it wasn't she did it I didn't feel anything so and I'm laying and I could have seen if she did you think that an Native American wanted to just see the American ghost I don't know what it is that is the problem with ghosts it's so subtle I know what stories now like if we were like if this just went
That freaky the fuck out, but that's a terrible story, you know? Like, I was like, the cop moo! And my guy is fucking, right? Cause that is scary if you're alone and your shirt goes up with a tough story. Did you ask how? Uh huh. What's the matter? Two tents? Tony? Let's get Andy. Hi, Joe. Hi, uh.
Wow. So other than the ghost thing, what else has been going on, William? Gosh, Tony, it's... Wait, so you really think that's kind of boring, though? The story? Or what were you saying? It's really bothering me right now. I think it's very interesting. Why is it bothering you? I don't know, because it is kind of scary. No, everything ghost is so boring. You know, you'd be like, the other day, it turned on the faucet. And you're like, yeah, it's probably an old fucking ghost.
Never seen water like that before, you know? Yeah. What would a Native American, what kind of beef would a Native American possibly have with someone that looks like a Confederate war general? I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I hate it, Tony. I hate it. I really do. For sure.
Yeah, it's super scary. I'm dealing with all this shit. It's almost Thanksgiving, but I'll make it through. Luckily, I don't have to go anywhere this weekend, Tony. I'm exhausted. Other than in Alexa and your shirt lifting up, has there been anything else? Did you feel somebody poke your haunt us or something like that?
I wish, but no. Did your Lando Lakes melt quickly or something like that? No, it's just literally those two things. So I'm trying to just put it all together. It's kind of hard. All right. I have a thought. Yes, Rick Glassman. I don't know for sure, but you could ask maybe this ghost to tell you a joke and see if it's corny or not. Ah, well, that joke was amazing.
You know what I do see a ghost, and that's 100 years from now. You're a ghost. It's gonna be haunting this place with the quickest quibs and the funniest one liners I've ever seen. You wanna get haunted by Native American boring. You wanna get Native, but whatever, something. Hey, much like the, whatever the joke the guy said, I didn't land it, but we're here to pitch jokes sometimes. We don't always have to be on. Tony. William Montgomery did it again. Here's some cinnamon zippics for you.
Some nicotine toothpicks. Those are really good. You're going to love them. Some Zippics for you. Some Zippics for you. Nicotine toothpicks. I'm telling you, they're amazing. It's the future. Thank you to Squarespace, Bluetooth, price picks, game time, talk space, and Zippics, the drawing from Ryan G, vault is in. How loud can this place get for the great Rick Glassman, ladies and gentlemen? Rick, promote some stuff. Give them your website or your podcast or whatever. Like podcasts?
You can go ahead, they can hear you. My podcast is called Take Your Shoes Off. I am doing a 15 city store starting in January. Go to punchup.live slash Rick Glassman. Thank you for having me. There you go. It's a hell of a website. Jeff died. Make some noise for fucking Jeff died. Thank you. I have a special called The Last Cowboy in LA that comes out this Thursday, November 14th. Also, I'm on Joe Rogan again this 14th, this Thursday. Fuck, yes.
Big stuff happening. Tickets on sale soon for the stream. The two-night streaming event of the HEB Center are returned New Year's Eve and the night before 12.30, 12.31. We're back in arenas yet again.
trouble is a brewing anything can happen red band you want to say anything to these people check out the sunset strip comedy club sunset strip atx.com love you guys a lot of fun stuff coming around the corner big announcements big stuff happening thank you again go check out adri and ayapolucci's new netflix special the dark queen
Check out everything, David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Ari Maddy, and William Montgomery. And how about one more congratulations to the newest Golden Ticket winner, I-I everybody. Thank you guys, good night, we love you, thank you.
you
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