#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
en
November 19, 2024
TLDR: Comedians Ian Bagg, Tyler Fischer, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban recorded a podcast on 11/04/2024.
Kill Tony #692 features a lively live podcast with comedians Ian Bagg and Tyler Fischer, alongside various other surprise guests. This episode was recorded on November 4, 2024, at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas.
Key Highlights
Introduction of Guests
- Ian Bagg and Tyler Fischer are introduced as the two main guests, generating excitement from the audience.
- Both comedians are currently on tour, showcasing their charisma and comedic styles throughout the episode.
The Format of the Show
- As is customary, comedians from the audience sign up for the chance to perform a one-minute set, pulled from a bucket.
- Each performer receives feedback from Tony Hinchcliffe, Ian, Tyler, and the rest of the crew, leading to hilarious interactions and insightful commentary.
Memorable Performances
Heath Kouris
- A young comedian whose set revolved around heartbreak and humorous personal anecdotes. His approach highlights how younger performers tackle relatable themes in their comedy.
Lorenzo Tyree
- Lorenzo shared amusing insights about his life, touching on challenges dealing with family and cultural identity, leading to a mix of laughter and thoughtful moments.
Matt Rivera
- Delivered jokes about the dynamics of friendships and relationships, effectively engaging the audience through his anecdotes.
Aaron Baliel
- A returning comedian, Aaron brought forth a comedic narrative about a one-night stand, filled with punchy lines and relatable humor.
Cam Patterson
- A regular on the podcast, Cam's set is a fan-favorite, known for his blend of storytelling and impactful punchlines that keep the audience engaged.
Leslie Childs
- A newcomer with a unique background story, Leslie captivated the audience with his tales of perseverance and heartfelt humor about fatherhood and life's trials.
The Musical Element
- Between sets, the podcast features musical segments led by Sean Greenberg, who brings talent and energy to the show, underscoring the podcast's vibrant atmosphere.
Interesting Conversations
- The discussions among the guests range from the peculiar habits of comedians, coping with personal struggles, to humorous takes on current events and the comedy industry itself.
- Ian and Tyler contribute significantly to the banter, often sharing their perspectives on various topics, which keeps the mood light and entertaining.
Interaction with the Audience
- The comedians frequently interact with audience members, having fun teasing and joking about various topics, including past performances and personal anecdotes.
- This creates a dynamic and engaging environment, showcasing the live nature of the podcast.
Closing Remarks
- The episode rounded off with a recap of the performances and hilarious exchanges among the comedians.
- Audience engagement remains high throughout, signaling a successful night of comedy and camaraderie.
Conclusion
Overall, Episode #692 of Kill Tony combines talented stand-up performances with vibrant discussions, making it a must-listen for comedy enthusiasts. The unique blend of audience participation, ongoing jokes, and the talent of Ian Bagg and Tyler Fischer create a memorable experience, reminding listeners of the powerful comedic voice that thrives in live performances.
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Hey, this is Red Man and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.
Everything gold and pony including his tour dates at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redfay, coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for a photo! Let's go! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?
Make some noise for Red Band, everybody! God damn! Oh shit! Mama, we made it! You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Squarespace, Blue Choo, prize picks, game time and talk space. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? God damn, there's something else!
Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, and Raoul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez, on the drums. Sean Greenberg on the guitar tonight. John Deese on the keys. And this right here is the undeniable de-madness on the bass guitar.
Oh my god. We have such a fun show lined up before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Alright, you guys ready to start the damn show, huh?
Two of the funniest comedians in the world tonight, ladies and gentlemen, uh, the fun never ends here. It is, uh, the return of a great guest and the debut of another great guest. These are two guests that I can't believe we're lucky enough to have on this same episode. We're about to have so much goddamn fun as I introduced to you. Two of the best! It's Ian Bag and Tyler Fisher!
fuck yeah we got another chair we got a second chair wave to the people you threw your shit out already so fast there's a chair
Fuck yeah, one more time for Annbag and Tyler Fisher. They're on tour, Annbag.com, TylerFisher.com. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Welcome, welcome. I apologize, I didn't bring merch. Tyler, what the fuck did you just throw out to the crowd there? All smaws, some hats, some shadow band on the internet. You're not even shadow band for your shit, so you gotta spell it out. You gotta write it all out now, or you're not gonna find it.
I love it. You got it. All socials at tie the fish. F-I-S-C-H. I'm still wearing Jordan Peterson's gay shirt from last time, by the way. I love it. Well, welcome back. Tyler, you've been on this show once before. Ann Bag, this is your first time. Yes. Welcome, Ann. We're going to have so much goddamn fun tonight. Uh-huh.
Yes. Over 280 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show. What? It's real. Yeah, it's in the bucket here. And they are all at a bar across the street. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
Which interrupts them and they have to wrap it up then. And that's it. You want to pull the first name tonight, sir? Look at that. Right off the top there. Yeah, go ahead. Take it. Get him. And yeah, that's it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?
While they go wrangle that comedian from across the street, we have a golden ticket winner that is here to get the show started tonight. It's been a while since we saw him. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you with a brand new 60 seconds, one of the most adorable creatures to ever hit the stage here on Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the...
Top, young, very young, rising. And by rising, I mean he's not growing anymore. Comedians in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Heath Kourtis, everybody. Oh! Guilty!
A lady broke my heart recently. She said she'd always be in my corner, but she's not in my corner. She left. Stupid fucking bitch. But you know what's always been in my corner? You know what's actually in my corner? Stiff socks.
Freedom. I met a nice lady the other night. She told me that she had a mommy cake and that's great for me. That's perfect. I'm kinky. I have a fucking anything that moves kink. She, you know, I didn't use protection. I'm not supposed to know what that is. Just this small boy.
She asked me if I had some, I said, when I'm in danger, I call 911. I'm a dad now. Thank you. Heath Kornis. Absolutely. Welcome, welcome. I don't even know where to begin. Hi, Tony. Hello. How are you? Why did you point at me when you said stiff socks?
It was a misdirect. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely. So a woman broke your heart? Yeah, I'm heartbroken. Oh my goodness. Heartbroken. How did that happen? What happened? Play it. Play the music. Yeah, if you're gonna hit it, fucking hit it. She led me on. She told me that she would take care of me. She told me that she had milk.
She said I could grow with her. Was this your mother? I wish. Wow. She said you could grow with her. Something that's absolutely, physically impossible. Question. Yeah. Yes. Is that the only thing wrong with your heart?
There's, there's. No, it's not. I had a feeling, I had a feeling. Yeah. Was she a nurse? No, I, that's my kink, I'm a, you know, I'm a nurse. That's your kink. Yeah. You look like a child, everything's your fault. Yeah. Like just doing it, that's fucking kinky. Like you should be doing homework and they're fucking, you're doing it. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, but that guy's a kid.
Tyson was here. He would hold you fucking and tease you out. Oh, yeah. I'm just upset that I don't look like you. If Biden was here, he'd be sucking on your toes right now. It's true. It's true. It's not a joke. Come on. Those are the longest toes I've ever seen. He looks like he has long toes. You look like you're born from pre-come.
I can say that because I was. Solidarity, man. Look at that. Jeffrey Dahmer when he was six. I love it. So Heath, you have your heart broken. How did she let you know? Did she tell you face to face that it's over or what? No, it was through text. There's some text. Yeah. And then it's true, you've already moved on to another woman. Yeah, I did.
And you, uh... I went to Puerto Rico. You really? Hold on a second. Yeah. When did you go to Puerto Rico? Like, literally, like, I just got back from San Juan today. No. Today. Yeah. When were you in Puerto Rico? How long were you in Puerto Rico? This whole weekend. I was doing, like, a private gig for, like, a bunch of millionaires. And, like, I did this house party. All the videos pulled out. I don't know why. But...
Wait, were there any threats? Were you in danger at all? Did anybody say anything to you? Look at them. I can always endanger. Every time a van goes brown. I love it. Question, did you go outside when you were there? Because you're white as fuck.
Yeah, I mean, I did it tan much. I wore SPF 100, you know. Kids prove. You got a chick there, though? Yeah, I brought a chick. You brought a chick? Yeah, I brought a chick. Oh, you were out. You took a girl to Puerto Rico with you. Oh, my God. Look at the life that you're living. Wow. Fist bump from Michael Gonzalez.
Hell yeah. Did you share a coach seat? I sat in her lap. I didn't even have to buy a ticket. Amazing, amazing. I like that he's bragging about bringing his handler with him.
I love you. I love you. I'm not trying to be mean at all. I'm just like, fuck your child. Yeah. No, it is. He's unbelievably adorable. So tell me a little bit more about Puerto Rico. Was there any other highlights? Did the gig go good? What exactly did they pay you to do? They read them for the love of God. Oh my God.
Jesus Christ, red band. Give it a little bit of time. Okay. Couple more weeks.
Nobody heard the joke, they don't even have electricity there. Well, now they're gonna rewind it. Okay. Son of a fucking bitch. No, don't hide. Don't hide now. The electricity did go out like three times. Okay, fuck this. Fuck this.
Fuck this. God damn it. Can you say anything else about fucking all the Puerto Rico? It didn't smell like garbage. Okay, all right, that's it. That's it. This interview's over. Ladies, Heath, anything else to say? Are you done? It depends on you. Oh, Jesus Christ. It depends on you.
There he goes. Heath Korn is ladies and gentlemen. Let's go. Time for the bucket. Heath put that mic back where you can put that mic stand back where you got it from. You little misbehaviour you. Alright, your first bucket pool of the night ladies and gentlemen. Oh shit, there's the lovely Heidi.
I'll have one more time for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, it has begun. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Matt Rivera, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go, Matt Rivera. People have been telling me lately that they don't think I'm very nice, so I'm trying to be more supportive. Like a friend of mine recently came out as bisexual. That was weird.
But he made an Instagram post about it. Did you guys know that it's not supportive to comment? I fucking knew it. But I'm not perfect either. I like tomboys, which is a type of girl. I'm serious, but it's still a weird thing to come out and say to your guy friends, especially one of them is named Tom.
I think, okay, delivery could be simple. Like, I like Tom boys, but no, I'm worried I'm gonna fuck up and be like, I like Tom boys. It was even worse than I thought. Because I was drunk, I was just like, I like boys, Tom. Thank you. All right, Matt Rivera, welcome to the show, Matt. Thank you, happy to be here. It was your first time, right? Yeah, first time I killed Tony. How long have you been to in standup?
I've been doing Santa for about four years. Four years. We're at? I started in Union City, New Jersey. Okay. And where else? Where have you been since then? I've done a lot of time in New York. I just moved out here eight months just to pursue it. I heard the scene was awesome and I've never fucking going back to shit sick. Yeah. You're having fun here in Austin, Texas. It is a good old time. What do you do for a living? Right now I do a lot of temp work, but I work for not a day in Chanceburger.
Oh, hell yeah, we love not a damn chance. We're truly one of the most addictive, unbelievable, heroin-like burgers you could find in the city. Straight burgers. It's worth the $17. Yeah, it really, really is. It's a fucking diabolical burger. That's incredible. I love it. What do you think, Ian? Where have you been hanging out that you needed to say tomboys are a type of girl? I just know that I'm in Texas and things get lost in translation out here. Whoa.
They get lost in translation in New York City as well. That's... Well! Been a hell of a week. So you didn't think they were smart enough? What's that? You didn't think they were smart enough to pick up on that? I was only nice. I don't know. I was fucking good role. I liked it. Are you bisexual? You got the... Isn't that the left earring? Are we still doing that?
Do you do have a lacrosse in your left ear? Yeah, I do. Is there one in the right I can't see over there? Okay, no, just a normal one. Just a normal one, yeah. Okay, so where do you stand sexually? Are you a Tom girl? He's in a Bon Jovi tribute band. No, no, I am straight, but a lot of people say that I look like I could be gay. I know all about that too. We relate on a lot of things.
Yeah. Uh, okay, Matt. So, here in Austin, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? I heard there's a lot of, like, cool nature stuff to do out here. He's gonna see. He's gonna see. Holy shit. Oh, my God. I got two gay dads. I have my gay daughters amazing. I know people are gay before they even know. This guy? You'll find out.
It's been eight months. You've just heard that there's nature stuff to do here? I just got by. What's that? Oh, timey voice. I don't know. Have you been to an HEB yet?
Yeah, that's the fucking shit, dude. It is. Absolutely right. Shout out to HEB, the greatest grocery store that's ever existed. How about a buckies? Have you been to buckies? Yeah, I actually went to a buckies the first time a couple weeks ago. What did it make you feel like? Tell the people watching around the world how it feels for a little boy from Jersey, a tiny, tiny little boy from Jersey to walk into a buckies for the first time, about the wonder that went over your body or however it made you feel.
I've never been to a place that sells, like, cigarettes and also a brisket. That was really interesting. But the craziest thing is that it was just, like, a giant gift shop about this beaver, and I don't really get the lore behind it. Oh, you will. Oh, give it some time. Hold on. Hold on a second. He hangs out at grocery stores in the woods, truck shops, and doesn't know what a beaver is. This guy's gay as fuck. What are we doing here?
What are we doing here? The jig is up, dude. I'll suck you off right now, dude. I look like the CEO of Bucky's, by the way. Maybe you should sit on the outside. I love it. So, Matt, what else in your life? What do you have, a crazy family? How do you think you ended up wanting to be a stand-up comedian? What kind of childhood trauma did you go through? Is it that obvious? Yep. Okay.
Well, I am a child of divorce. My family's Puerto Rican and... This episode's canceled. Say no more. Jesus Christ. Enjoy your golden buzzer. That was the... That was fucking good timing right there. My family's Puerto Rican. Enjoy your money, sir. Have a good night.
Tell your people, please, no! It's the name of his show. It's not what they want them to do. You look like a Puerto Rican Rachel Maddow, actually. We're not how this guy's voting tomorrow. That's fantastic. So, Puerto Rican family, what was that like?
Hey, hey, we got Tony killed. Great, fucking awesome. Remember that show? Remember when there used to be a show every Monday? Now that guy's dead. You fucking traitors all the way up. Tell us about your fucking family.
Hurry, hurry, motherfucker, answer now! Okay, so I was raised very whitewashed. My older sister speaks Spanish, but me and my younger siblings don't speak any Spanish. And my dad raised us in the Bronx, New York, and we were very sheltered. Like, he made us walk in a straight line. He was a military guy.
And yeah, we didn't absorb any of the hood, so that's cool, I guess. Absorb? You mean bullets. Yeah, when you say you didn't absorb any of the hood, are you saying that walking in a straight line is the way to avoid being influenced in any way? Like, your dad figured it out? Also, are you, as a Puerto Rican, calling New York City, a white trash garbage dump? What are you saying, man? I live there. Enjoy, Tony.
Fuck! Fuck! Free, my friend. You're free. Being whitewashed was the most he was cleaned, though, I'd say. Okey-dokey. I got nothing to lose. I just got banned from Delta Airlines, so. All right. All right, Matt. Well, what scares you, Matt? What are you afraid of in this world? I think I'm most afraid of...
dying, feeling worthless. Oh, wow. Fuck, it's a... We'll be right back. It's a comedy show, motherfucker. Jesus Christ, now we all have to leave and cry ourselves to sleep. Because we all feel that. Fuck me. I came here for... Well... I know. We fucking felt it. Yes. I would say... Oh, what man of the black man felt that right then? Black lady, sorry. I apologize.
You guys are great. Tom Boy. Oh, it's just getting worse. I'm not going to say anything. Matt, fun times. You're not worthless to us. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go. Oh, oh. Oh, God. Tony assaults Puerto Rican comedian. Gross.
We're gonna edit all this out. We're gonna edit it all out. All right, Jesus Christ hiding. Hurry up for the love of fucking God. Okay, all right. Have your own E-fix it. Jesus fucking God Almighty. All right. Who's ready to start tonight's show?
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Again, create an account and redeem code K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y. Why? For $20 off, that's why. Download game time today. What time is it? It's game time. And here we go. Your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree, everybody. Lorenzo Tyree. Call me Lemonade, because I'm about to be made tonight.
Minute made, minute made. So growing up, I actually got made fun of. It was like, what, six years old? Yeah, I was like six years old. And this kid came up to me at the lunch table. He's like, Lorenzo, you got big, pointy ears. Is your dad an elf? And everyone started howing and just, this guy's dad's an elf. Don't bow. And I'm in shock because I never met my dad.
I know it's typical, I know it's typical. But I go home that night to my grandma. I go to buy my babushka with a say in Russian. I go home to her and I'm like grandma, grandma. Is my dad an elf? Is that where he's been this whole time up in the North Pole helping kids make, you know, helping Santa make toys for the kids? And she's like, no, Lorenzo, your dad's not an elf. Your dad's deported.
And that's why, you know, knew where my dad was and what the portament. Lorenzo Tyree, ladies and gentlemen. Lorenzo, do I even want to ask what ethnicity you are? I'm a mutt. I'm a mutt. Yeah. What do you think I am? Well, don't ask him.
You can't do that. Serious like fucking world. We're all going down if you ask him. You're the one that made a joke about being deported. Where would they be deported to if you're such a mutt? The Minico Republic. Okay. All right. The Minico Republic. Totally different place. Global roads. The horrible roads. I love it. Okay. And what's your mom? My mom is Italian and Scottish and Costa Rican. Okay. And Woody Allen, apparently.
You do have a look to you. Ian is on to something here. You have a little bit of a look. What do people say that you look like? Free college. Have you seen the movie, uh, Gran Turismo? Yeah, I need to drive the cars. I need to go fast. You got him? No. I look like him. OK. How long have you been on stand-up for, Lorenzo? Roughly a year. I can tell it's gone roughly. So about a year. Where's this year been?
Uh, here in Austin. Yeah, here in Austin. Is this where you're from? No. Where are you from? Born and raised Alaskan. They got people like you in Alaska? Very few, very few. Damn. Your people crossed a lot of borders to get up there. They just kept going until they fucking are stuck in the snow. We'll stay here. Ian. Who gets deported from Alaska?
Like, fuck, there's nothing there. Well, the garbage is frozen there. You can't get rid of it. You can't get rid of it.
You make me laugh big, big. What do you do for work, Lorenzo? I've got a little smoke shop downtown. Smoke paradise. Come see me. Smoke paradise. What makes your smoke shop better than the rest?
Oh, I'm there. It's like, it's cool. It's like a little trailer. So it's like, I'm serving out this little trailer. People come up, homeless and all. It's fun. It's really fun. OK. How long have you been working there? Oh, February. So like, eight months. Eight months. Yeah. OK. It's been a ride. It's been a ride. All right. What's your love life like? My love life? Yeah.
I'm young. I'm just trying to figure out myself. You got a pink left earring, again. Look at that. A pink left earring. I think that's red, man. Huh? It's red. Oh, it's the right one? Red. Oh, red. Oh, red. Sorry, I don't see color. I like that. I like that. I do see Jews, though. I do see Jews.
Ty, the left one's not gay. Remember that. The left one's not gay. Not gay. Oh, okay. Yeah, the right's gay. Hey, but I got both of those. Well, that means you're gay. Okay. All right, guys. That's a very earring, heavy episode so far. Let's keep it on the human. I like to focus on what's in between the ears of the comedians here. And I don't have much to work with right now. Lorenzo, tell us a fun fact about your life. What makes you interesting?
Um, where he's been my grandma, that was cool. She's an interesting person. Why were you raised by your grandma? Um, mom on drugs, mom on drugs. Mom's on drugs? Yeah. What kind of drugs? Like all of them. Not anymore. She's getting better, but like I think she's probably done like everything like, wow.
How often do you talk to your mom? Um, now I talked to her more. Yeah, like I just called her last week. So like every like other week or so get her on the line. I found my mom overdosing. Was that her thing? Like was she like a partier?
You could say that. Yeah. Alaska gets wild. It is? Oh, yeah. That's their saying. Great north. The salmon. Alaska's wild. The salmon is, I know. Absolutely. And there's a mom. I didn't know the people are. Mom's grabbing fish out of the stream to sell for drugs. Do you fish a lot in Alaska?
Oh, man. This doesn't even go back to Alaska. It's like, I'm Dominican. I got a spear. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, I don't use that raw shit. I fucking get in with them. With a gun? What is that? Do you have any clue what you're talking about right now?
I'm Dominican, talk about fishing. I gotta stab people. Okay, I don't do that. What about dad? Tell us about your dad. Well, I never met him like until seventh grade I went to Dominican and it was wild. Yeah, tell us about it. So, you know, first two weeks I was like paradise. You know, everything's good, eating good, going out. Then my auntie went back home to Alaska and he switched to Flip.
locked the doors up, kept me inside, couldn't play with the Dominican kids, couldn't learn more Spanish. And then he broke my phone, couldn't talk to the fam. What do you mean he broke your phone? You like smashed it? Yeah, he smashed it. So like I was on playing like some Clash Royale.
And he was like, what are you doing over there? Are you texting your family? I'm like, no, but I really was. But I was like, no, no, no, no. And he's like, yeah, let me see your phone. I was like, no, no, no, no. And he grabs it and he just slams it. And he's like, this is my house. You know, this is my, you know, it's my bullshit. That's my bullshit. All right, go ahead. We've all been there. Yeah. It was, uh, it was wild, like,
It was wild. It was wild. I want to hear more about that, though, as far as your writing goes. I would write about that. That's interesting stuff. So yeah, yeah. Got bare minimum food. We got some water with some tang, and then some bread and butter. That was breakfast dinner with some rice and eggs. Water with tang? Yeah. Like tang. Yeah, exactly. It's just tang. Well, it's like the powder that you've got to put it in. Well, yeah. But that's actually not the worst breakfast beverage in the world.
Tang's not that terrible. I mean, the other bread, like, it filled up, made me full. Is your dad in prison? Uh-huh. When you went to visit him, was he in prison? No, he was actually doing really good in Dominican, because he knows English, so he could get, like, the English slash, like, Spanish job, so he was, like, he was pretty good, but, like, he was a bad man. He's actually here tonight. Why don't you come on out, Carl? Let's back it up to breakfast again. So you had Tang, and you said bread with butter. Was this bread toasted?
No, no, we didn't have a toaster. No toaster. No toaster. So it's just raw bread. But essentially, essentially, it's sushi toast. Depending on how you look at it, I mean, in a normal household, I know rich kids that are happy with some tang and toast for breakfast.
Let's see if I can use raw bread. Yeah. Raw bread. That's the most bougie thing I've ever heard you say in my life. I wonder they hated you in New York. Just walked out. Raw bread was back today. Raw bread. So you get so only applicable during breakfast conversations.
Rob bread is normal for lunch and dinner. Especially dinner. That's called dough, actually. Yeah. It's called bread. It's raw toast. Well, I guess it's raw toast. Yeah, that's what it is. Sorry, we're talking. Oh, man. You fucking blew our mind. Now there's dough is under the conversation. You're right. I guess dough would kind of be raw bread. And bread is raw toast. I feel like we're doing whatever drugs your mom is on right now.
I feel like we're at a trailer where every works and we're flying out of it. There's levels to it. There's levels to it. There's dough, and there's bread, and there's toast. Yeah. Thank you, lady. Fuck you, bitch. What an asshole. That's the yeast of your worries, Tony. Wow, look at that red band. Red band. Unbelievable.
Unbelievable. Where's your sound effect? Everybody's father came to a... I got to know where and drop back. There it is. You guys might not have been here last week. We have a new sound effect for when Red Band has a good one. Okay. Well, I'll tell you what, Lorenzo. It was okay. Here comes a little joke book. I'm gonna know ya. There he goes. Lorenzo Tyree with a little joke book.
And on and on it goes. How about a hand for Yoni, ladies and gentlemen? He is the muscle. The muscle. Not quite as pretty as Heidi, but he can do, like, mechanical shit. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner. He is a legend on this show. Makes a noise for the great and powerful Aaron Baliel, everybody. It's the return of Aaron Baliel.
Scott Talon recruited for that show here on Kill Tony. H-G-T, Kill Tony Legend, one more time for the great Aaron Baliel everybody.
I had a one-night stand, and six weeks later she texts me saying she's pregnant. Bullshit, I wore protection. And no, I didn't put the condom on my hand to protect her from Mr. Scratchy. I knew she was lying because we only had sex once, and I checked, and I had a full bag of goop.
I brought my condoms home with me and inspected them because you can't trust these hoes. This lady poked holes in my condoms? I have pictures. She's a lunatic. I don't even have money. I'm just a middle-class retarded guy like you. Drake puts hot sauce in his condoms and ties them up so this doesn't happen. But I can't tie and not so next time I'm using fucking lighter fluid.
She thought she could outsmart me. Nah, I knew what to do. I told her cerebral palsy is hereditary. You can't fool me, lady. That little two-handed bastard ain't mine. Aaron Baliel, ladies and gentlemen. Goddamn. A lot of drama going on with the Golden Ticket winners lately.
Look at you. Filling up fucking condoms, taking them home with you. You really did that? Well, I sent some coat hangers in the mail, and I'm just hoping for the best. Oh, shit. You are a wild boi air in the pile. Good lord almighty. Look at that. I've never heard you make so much noise before.
Hey, you guys. Very interesting. So it was a one night stand? You can barely fuck that stand. One hand stand. Close it a one hand stand. That's good for grabbing the clit, that little claw thing. Yeah. You kind of get me getting, you know. Yeah.
The old reverse squatter there. The old no look squirt, just the fucking... Click grabbing claw. Yep. I can stand. We did a doggy style. Oh. More like froggy style. Was it a chihuahua?
I finally realized why they call you the Golden Pony. You like to be on all fours getting pissed on in a horse mask. Okay. You suck. Fuck all of you. It is true though, by the way, that's hot. That's hot. Do you have any special crazy things you're into in the bedroom? You ever use Mr. Scratchy for anything? Ian Bag? Why would you say special?
Sorry. What are you into Aaron? You wouldn't need a ball gag in your mouth. I wouldn't do anything. This is a dangerous weapon. It is. It is. Uh oh. Uh oh. He's cooking up something good here.
But those of you just listening that the podcast is a thumb is absolutely scorching across the board. Would you want this inside of you? Oh my God. Oh my God. No, they don't know. Nobody wants that inside of a Mr. Scratchy. There's a watching it for you.
That watching going nowhere. Look at that thing. I've never seen a more secure watch in my entire life. Would you want this inside? Oh, he's cooking up something, Ian. Look out. It's so nice to meet you, Ian. You're like Matt Rife after six kids, and the worst divorce of all time. You guys are fellow Canadians, I do believe, right? You're a Canadian, right? You're Canadian? Yeah. You didn't tell me that. I've been talking to him all weekend, kind of.
The real land of garbage? The real land? Okay, all right. Well, it's a hot subject tonight. Hahaha. Very topical. All right, you fucking son of a bitch. Over there typing shit. Aaron Baliel, what else is going on, Deuterino? Halloween was fun. I liked to scare kids. I didn't dress up or anything. I just tell them when I was a kid I didn't eat my vegetables.
I was handing out onions and shit saying, if you don't wanna look like me, you better eat that. It's amazing. You doing, well, yeah. Huh, onions stop that from happening. Yeah. Isn't that an interesting vegetable for that? Of all the vegetables, you went with onions there. You want it inside you? It's the hardest one to chop, too. I like to make them cry.
Ah, fuck yeah, Aaron. All right, I'm inside them. I love it. So you really took the condom home with you? Is that a real thing? No way, right? I mean, you could, yes or no, you could shake your head on this one. You just go to the bathroom, man. It's called a joke, Tony. Oh, okay, well.
All right, thank you, Aaron. You fucking piece of shit. All right. Okay, anything else we should know about Aaron? After my last appearance, someone invited me to a ranch that does horseback riding for special needs kids. And I thought, this is perfect. I'll help Tony find new regulars, and I started handing out flyers to the parents.
I love it that one of my special needs comedians is making fun of me for hiring so many special needs comedians. You have to love it. I'll give you some time off after this so that that fucking stereotype of my show dies down a little bit. Then I realized I am just hurting myself so I put a shock collar on the horses. Those little bastards have no grip strength at all. All right. Aaron.
I love you. You're amazing. You have some tour dates coming up or something. You have that already preset in your phone? I am going to Arkansas, and I have a big run in the Florida area in December. I'll be in Miami, Naples, Key West, Boca, Melbourne, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay. Basically everywhere with gators, get tickets at mutecomedian.com.
Wow, there he goes. Mutecomedian.com. We know him. We love him. Our boy, there he goes galloping away.
It's amazing when that guy shows up to a horse riding place and he already looks like he fell off a horse. Like, oh, he's going for it again. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Angel Maldonado, everybody. Angel Maldonado. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Angel. How we doing tonight, y'all?
Yeah, alright, identify yourself. Who in this room thinks I'm straight? You know, show a hands, make a little noise, clap your hands.
all right some delayed reactions that's that's the usual reaction that I get actually I don't know what it is about Texas ever since I moved here I think all the steers everybody just figures that I'm the queer I don't know what that's about either that or
The long hair combined with I'm so racially ambiguous that everybody also assumes that my sexuality is an ambiguous topic. I don't know what that is. I don't know. I think I'm onto something. The other day I had a comic tell me that I'd make a good prison wife.
Yeah, his actual wording was you would have the power of the pussy in prison, Angel. And I said, I said, wow, thank you. I appreciate that. True story. Anyway, that was my time. All right, Angel Maldonado. How you doing, Angel? I am loving life. I am so tired. I'm so high. OK, there's going to be excuses.
Why are you so tired? I'm a door guy next door at Buckwild. I've been working all Halloween weekend. It's so fucked up. My sleep schedule is nocturnal right now. It's bad. Yeah. OK. What else? I mean, that doesn't seem like that crazy of a job. What is that? Like eight to three or something? No, no. I work until the bars close. And then I love. So what time is that?
I left work at like 4 a.m. last night. So 8 to 4? Yeah. No, 6. 6 to 4. Yeah, 6 to like 4 a.m. Can you stand there and you check IDs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's right. It's easy money. It's pretty fun. I'm not complaining. Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were. It's untay. We all heard it. I mean, I'm from New York originally. So I mean, people read my energy as complaining a lot. I don't know.
New York, what ethnicity are you, Angel Maldonado? I don't want to bring this up, Tony. I don't want to bring this up. My god. Let's just say... Just say what subway you live off of. Let's just say I'm unposquito garbage, Basura.
The people of Puerto Rico were never called garbage. The island has a landfill problem. The landfills are filled. The joke stems from the great Pacific garbage patch. It is a misdirect joke. You're supposed to think I'm bringing up the great Pacific garbage patch. We love the garbage, we love it. We love the garbage, right?
This guy just crawled out of the garbage can. He's voting for me so strong. If he can wake up, if he can wake up tomorrow, wake this guy up, rush. Wake this guy up. That's great. Sleepy little angel. Look at this guy. Sleepy little angel. Just like Joe Biden, sleepy little angel.
How does that evil laugh come from? All these things he should have left with. Like he should have left with the peak. He should have started with the Pacito Miles or whatever the fuck he said.
And then you should have laughed. The rest of this shit, you shouldn't have done. I'm gonna be honest with you. Because you're really funny, but you forgot because you didn't get any sleep. You thought I'd have a big day coming up tomorrow. Yeah, I've had up and get high. I've had a very long weekend. Yeah, yeah. Beautiful son of a bitch. Yeah. If you do a Trump impression, I think that would kill if you could be. Yeah, try it out. There's a lot going on in this country, folks. Oh, God. All right.
I would still vote for you over her, but uh. He's winning him back.
You look like a hotter version of Kamala, actually. Ah, thank you. You're slightly more retarded than her, but it's in the eyes or something. Yeah. Can you do a con? Can you just try, please, without any practice, a Kamala impression? Yo, I swear I'm black. Yeah, that's pretty good. I promise. You look good, dude.
You just rewrote your minute. That's fantastic. You're fucking hilarious. I've stopped with the first part. I've only lived in Austin for seven months, but I've been, I've wanted to do comedy since I was a little kid. I did, I was an improv kid. That's my, that's my comedy background. That's the part about shocking. You like, you went to school for that? UCB. Okay. Yeah, yeah, for many years. All right. Yes, and? Ah.
Yes, and not a lot of pussy. Really? You seem like a good looking guy. You seem like you have a good sense of humor. Yeah, I mean, I get flirted with a lot of my new job. It's pretty cool. What's your flirt like? Give us an example. Pretend like there's a woman. She hands you her ID. What do you say?
How you do it today? You look nice. You know, my name's Angel, you know, like in the sky. Nope. Yeah. What's just going? Trust me. I'm an honest guy. I just say quiet if I see a pretty girl. You know what I'm saying? When I start doing this, it doesn't work. While I garbage around.
any skateboard. Oh, yeah. I'm a long border. I feel more natural. I've been living in Aspen for the last four years. Yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. Frozen still a little bit.
I got an anxiety disorder. I shiver a lot. Yeah, but no, I feel more natural on a snowboard than I do like walking on two feet. Yeah. I have to talk to anybody. Just fucking. Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, I just listen to music real loud and then I just ignore everybody that tries to yell at me, you know. You get a big night's sleep before you do that? Nope. Never. Never. All right, just check it out.
Okay. Angel. What are some other, uh, what are some things that you do for fun here in Austin, Texas? Oh, man. It's snowboard years. I mean, there's so much I could say. Really? You could say any one of the things that are going through your head.
Yeah, let's just say I've been skiing another way. Oh, look at you. My job provides good opportunities. Wow, so you're not always so sleepy. Yeah. I've been saying, I wish that energy drinks actually provided you sleep other than energy. And I found the stimulant that actually provides you with something that feels like surgery. How often are you doing cocaine, Angel?
Let's talk about it. I'm sorry. We know what the anxiety disorder is. It's just a cocaine addiction. Don't apologize to your mom about this. I saw your minute. I take Prozac. Dude, you take Prozac? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You take Prozac and cocaine?
Where does the energy go, man? I keep it inside. That's why I shake a lot and sweat. It's just a lot of energy going on. Internal combustion. How long have you been on Prozac? I started smoking and drinking a lot when I first moved here, trying to fight the anxiety going on stage. And then I saw a psychiatrist.
So, Briety helps my stage presence a little more than, like, drinking and smoking. And, obviously, I'm still struggling with that. Right, yeah, you said you're high. Yeah. So, how... You went to the therapist, what? Like, five months ago, ballpark? Yeah, just about. Yeah, that's pretty accurate. Yeah, you've been there seven months. You said you went to the therapist, I'm just guessing. Yeah. No, you got to try. You got to try. You're shocked, like I'm a psychic or something like that. No!
I'm not. I know how. Okay. And so you've been on Prozac for about probably maybe four months. And how long have you been doing cocaine? About like the same first time is a long time ago. Sure. But I'm talking about regularly here. Consistently like past three, four weeks. Okay. So it's a new problem. I love this. This is good. This interview is going well. It's a new solution.
I don't know if it's a solution, exactly. I'm not on it tonight, so that's all I gotta say. Is that a control? Probably wouldn't have been a good night to do it. Oh my god. You tried cleaning your damn room. I'm your fucking life. Jordan Peterson. No. Wow. How about just being a model?
You know, I remember, I remember people didn't think I was funny when I started doing comedy as a teenager because everybody would tell me, hey, you ever think about modeling? Like, that's a good career pass for you. They would never be like, hey, that shit was funny. Like, you know? And here we are. Yeah, here we are today. You know what I'm saying? So like, when's the last time you did cocaine? Was it last night?
Maybe. Okay. Are you looking for gokendo? No, no, no, I'm just curious. I'm curious what it's like for a guy like you. So you're working last night, right? Maybe. Okay, enough with a maybe. So it's a yes. I actually know. The day's turn into nights real quick these days. Okay. So when do you do the cocaine? Who do you do it with? Do you do it by yourself? Do you buy it? I got buddies. I'm friends with a lot of comics out here. Not the question I asked.
Uh, when you do cocaine, do you do it by yourself sometimes? Tony, sometimes. Yes. Okay. So like the last time you did it. The last time I did it, I did a bump by myself in the bathroom at Shakespeare. Okay. So. All right. And that helps you get through the night, but then you drink. Yeah. And you wake up and you're depressed.
and you take Prozac. And then wherever the day takes you from there, maybe you do more blow, have some more drinks, and then you take Prozac again. Right in the wave, baby. Have you talked about riding the wave, baby? Have you talked with your therapist about this new cocaine habit? A little bit. What do they say? They say as long as you're not.
My opinion is that I'm not abusing any drugs. Ever since I started taking Prozac, I've been using drugs for fun and not to cope. And so, yeah, new excuses, Tony, I know. Are you sure you took the improv class? They taught me to be honest. That was one of the early rules. Angel, here's a little joke. Oh, thank you. There you go. Absolutely. There he goes. Angel Maldonado. Appreciate it.
Um, no, you know what I'm gonna do. Hello world. This podcast is sponsored by Zippix. Zippix believes nicotine users should have a better way to get their nicotine than smoking, vaping, or dipping. Their toothpicks are discreet, tastes great, and allow you to get your fix anywhere, anytime. Their cutting edge infusion process means the nicotine and flavoring is absorbed throughout every toothpick, and not just coated on the surface. Red band.
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that you get from smoking customers who were former smokers say that this had a huge impact when transitioning from cigarettes to toothpicks. So give Zippick's toothpicks a try, go to zippickstoothpicks.com and order a bundle today. And now it's time for Kill Tony. Before we do that, I'm gonna say that that set was so, so...
So low energy, such a little amount of laughter that I think I'm gonna bring in a special utility player that we bring in only when somebody does really, really, really poorly and gets almost zero laughter. Energy drinks were brought up during that set with Angel Maldonado. This guy is what I think of. When I think of somebody failing, when I think of somebody doing energy drinks, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you a golden ticket winner with a brand new 60 seconds.
This is Drew Nickens, everybody. The truth, right? He ain't the truth, Drew Nickens isn't the truth. What? He ain't the truth, Drew Nickens isn't the truth. What? He ain't the truth, Drew Nickens. Tony's now racist. Look what he did for me, and I'm a black comedian. When he told that black joke, all I could think of was, I placed last in that watermelon carving competition.
I lost a D madness! Cam got disqualified, because he spelled Halloween wrong, got mad, and shaked the watermelon fifty times. We all know Tony won the Hulk competition, because you can't beat the gays that aren't the crafts, am I right? But it was rigged.
I only got safety scissors to carve my watermelon with. I didn't even get a real knife because it's dangerous. But the positive thing is, David Lucas had fruit for the first time, and he loved it. He got all the watermelon and it hurts. He looked like a diabetic Kool-Aid man. All right, thank y'all, that's my time.
You know, I forgot all about that fucking joke. I'm black, I didn't forget. All right, well, it's a cute little Halloween joke. Barack Obama didn't think it was cute, but that fucking guy. Yeah, it's a weird week when you could say Barack Obama criticized my joke.
He said, I made a joke about black people eating watermelons. That's not true. It was a joke about parping watermelons at an all black Halloween party. The joke being, of course. The brothers, we didn't, I'm not gonna do it, Obama, what am I? Can you do it, Obama? I can't really, but you kind of, you're like doing a Kramer impression if you said the N word more.
I'm not allowed to say the M word in, I'm black. His dad is black. Hell yeah brother. It is absolutely black. I'm confused, so the other guy was on cocaine and you're not.
No, I do energy drinks. He really does. How many energy drinks have you had today? Three. Wow. Which ones? Was it just Red Bull's? No, I did a rise. Rainbow Sherber slept on flavor. Can't find it anywhere. And then I shot under Red Bull in the bathroom. Because people judge me now and say, Drew, you're going to kill yourself. I'm like, but then I have one down there. You sip the Red Bull down there. Yeah, with a water.
I love it. I love it. You mix some water. You cut it with some water. I love it, true. Just like Tang. Cut it with some water, baby. Hey, hey, Tang is slept on, dog. You ever put Tang in a Red Bull? Fucking fantastic. It's a kick in a glass. And your ass. Have you ever had raw bread? When you think of the raw bread, what do you picture? Dominoes. Pizza.
I love their crazy bread, and so like, I can only imagine if you don't cook it, it's still fucking delicious. Am I right, Tyler? Yeah, dude. True, what else is going on with you? So the last couple weeks, I've won two out of three poker tournaments that I played in.
What some of your tricks do you like pretend like you're dumber at the table and like fuck people up you like play stupid like oh it's a good hand when you're bluffing
So what I do is I just be my natural self and they're like, oh, he's special needs. We can't really take his money. Right. It works like a fucking charm. And then I get them all like bamboozled and they're like, wow, great story. Oh, and then I'm like, oh, love. Oh, I got the nuts. I get them. And I can do it for like five to six hours. Comedy's really helped because I could have constant conversation but still concentrate on once my hand and I could distract them.
Love that. They call him Big Blind. He doesn't see social cues. I'm not autistic. I'm just dumb, dog. Don't do that. I love it. I picked a different on that. OK, you got a touch of a chism, son. Love it. I got a brain injury, sir. Same thing. OK.
Yeah, he doesn't exactly have a full house up here. You know what I'm saying? Ahh, poker joke! Hell yeah. Drew, I absolutely love you. Thanks for popping in. You are the man that goes through niggas onto the next one. Now we got a bucket pull and then we'll do that. Your fourth bucket pull of the night ladies and gentlemen goes by the name of Taylor Neely. Here we go. Taylor Neely with a new minute.
incredible. Ladies let me say hey fellas let me say oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I can't hear
Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, dude, I don't know if you know this, but you're sitting in the kissing section. Yeah, I gotta come down there and give you a kiss. No, you're not into it. No one's ever happy to be in the kissing section. Well, how do you think I feel? Now I gotta go back there and tell them they're in the anal section. So, pucker up anal section. You can have that.
Uh, who do you guys think would win in a fight? Uh, New York City Rat, uh, swallowed that hole, chewed that entire glass hole right now. Who do you think, uh, that's my time. Thank you so much. I'm Taylor Neely. Taylor Neely, ladies and gentlemen. Okay. Did you do some of Angel Maldonado's cocaine back there? You seem like a wild boy. Me? No.
You're like, okay. Tyler Fisher, what do you think about your Adderall-infested younger brother here? I think I'm the only guy in town that looks like Jeff Foxworthy, fuck, but Cully Culkin. All right? You better watch out. Well, I put this on. You look just like me. Just tell people you're me. You'll make a ton of money. There he is. Yeah, you got a big, a very tiny hat. I have a huge ass head. My mom had to have a C-section and my head was so big.
Holy shit. Wow. I know. Okay. Taylor, this is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Okay. Welcome. Welcome. How long you been doing stand up? Three and a half years. We're at Atlanta. Atlanta, Georgia. You still live in Atlanta? No, I moved here in August. Okay. Yes. Welcome. Welcome. Thank you. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Oh, I like the comedy scene. A fuck ton. It's great. It's awesome.
Ah, I like the, you know, it's more, it's just more free. It's awesome. It really is. What do you do for work here? Oh, handyman. You're a handyman? Yes. From what, dollhouses? Hey, you shut the fuck up, dude. Wow. Uh oh. We're about to have a flyweight fight of the century over here.
I'll put you in the kissing section, bro. Wow. Taylor and Tyler, Tyler and Taylor. We'd be waiting ounces, man, I think. Wow, this is crazy to say. That is what I look like, though, fuck. Do you like what you see?
I kind of do actually. We had hard, man. This is incredible. Wow. Do you also put your height on tinder as millimeters? No, it does say 5.8 on my driver's license, but it secretly, not so secretly is 5.7 and 3.4, but legally 5.8. There you go. Yeah, bomb. That sucks. Shit. Fuck.
The fuck is D madness going right now? Is somebody gonna help this fucking guy? There's nothing but stairways on the other end of that curtain by the way. I've never seen D walk off on his own before. You just walked a blind guy. Holy shit. Jesus Christ.
Uh, so what did you say your height was? Uh, five eight. Get the fuck outta here. No way. Is anyone believing in you? Five four. Tyler, why don't you, Tyler, take this. Tyler. Ash, ash, ash. That looks about right. Wow. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
I don't think we need the same measure. I kind of believe you at five eight. I'll believe five eight. He's five eight fucking So God damn it Ian, what do you think about this young buck? I think he's fantastic great energy's growing a mustache. She's 12
Got a giant head. Looks like this fella over here. Everybody's all excited. He's got tattoos. He will fix things in your house. Yeah. What do you specialize in as a handyman? Oh, I'm transitioning to mounting just TVs. Hey, hey, what the fuck? Hey, you also shut the fuck up. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry. I really didn't mean that. I transitioned to just mounting TVs.
Just mounting TVs. Yeah, high heels. Yeah. It's better money. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What from? What were you doing before? Uh, I did it. I finished a big painting job today and I mow lawns and prefer to task grab it. Okay. See you're a Mexican. Yeah.
And you just started transitioning today? No, no, no, no. When I moved here, I just found the job on Zipper Cruder. Shout out. Absolutely. We absolutely love Zipper Cruder. No doubt about it. Oh, the smartest way to hire. All right. What do you do for fun at nighttime, Taylor? What's your nightlife? Oh, well, I'm sober because I used to smoke a lot of crack cocaine, and I don't do that anymore. There it is. Wow.
And that last guy doesn't have fucking shit on me, but grow up and smoke crack like an adult. Yeah. How did you end up smoking crack? Um, well, oh, do you see Wolfa Wall Street? What? Wolfa Wall Street. I really loved cocaine in college, and then when I was drunk, I saw Wolfa Wall Street, and when they smoked crack in Wolfa Wall Street, drunk me was like, that looks like a fuckload of fun.
And then I went home from college. I'm from Columbus, Ohio. And I went to Ohio to go Buckeyes. And I came out of a blackout and I asked this guy if he knew where to get crack.
And then you tried crack for the first time from a random guy in Columbus, Ohio? Yes, a homeless guy. So you smoked it a homeless guy. You smoke crack. What happens? Take us through the process, please. The first time I smoke crack. So it's like a young homeless black man. He seemed like my age. And I'm like, you know where to get crack. He takes me to like the bad part of
High Street, which is like a huh yeah And then he takes me to a tall lanky black guy and I give him money and he could have walked away with the money But crackheads are very honorable and he comes back. Oh, yeah He comes back with the crack and we smoke it and then like somehow I get a gaggle of like homeless guys and we're walking down the street and
And we go into a... I go into a convenience store, because I want some water, because Coke and crack makes you very thirsty. And I like... They start asking me for money and shit, and I don't want to deal with this. So I'm walking out of the gas station, and there's another guy walking to his car, and then like, oh, yo, pretend I'm with you. And I get in their car. We speed off. And then these guys are like, yo, what'd you get into tonight? And I'm like, well, I smoked crack for the first time. And then they're like, well, you want to smoke some more? So...
Okay, okay. So then what happened? He dropped me back off at my friend's fraternity house at 6 a.m. Fifth street, sixth street. Did you love it? Drunk B loves it.
Okay. Soberme, it's all bad. It's bad at the end. It's fun. It's fun for the first 30 minutes. And then it's... Let me ask you this. How soon after that did you want to do it again? Every time I got drunk until I got under control this time. Yeah. So you kept like, and you would drink almost every night?
No, it's more like a binger. Like I'll relapse and then I'll binge for like a week and I went to the psych ward recently and that was bad. I was being too naughty. Yeah, it sounds like. What are you guys sending comedians from a homeless shelter across the street? Just shipping them across the 6th street? Now, do people know you're a handyman when you're working?
or a crackhead that's breaking into the house. Hi, okay, I am the guy on the corner with a windshield wiper just trying to wash people's windshields. That's not what I said. There's nothing crazier than a cracked out little white guy breaking into your house. Can I mount your TV? But he's an honorable crackhead, that old saying. He'll drop you off at 6 a.m. after he's mounted your TV. Stole your copper.
Well, Taylor, fun times, uh, decent set. There was a lot of that was trying to get the crowd to fucking, uh, repeat after you shit. So you're leaving here with a little joke book. Come back again, keep signing up. Maybe you'll get a big one. There goes Taylor Nealey, everybody. We've come to that time of the show where it is indeed time for one of your most elite regulars of all time.
This young man is selling out all over the country. Technically, all over the world. Anytime he announces a date, it sells out. He's a monster. You get to see a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson, everybody.
Hey, uh, people take politics too serious, nigga. Real shit. I know it's been a thing in the night, but really, people take politics way too serious. I don't even know how to spell politics, so I don't really care about it too much. And I don't really bother me at all. It's funny, can I believe in, like, three degrees of separation? And I talk to Joe Rogan all the time, and that blows my mind, though. He just talked to Donald Trump for three hours. And I have to talk to crackheads on the street. You understand what I'm saying?
Those crackheads have no idea. They two phone calls away from Donald Trump. They have no idea. They're like, let me get a dollar. I got something better for you, nigga. Just wait on it. Outracing one a couple days ago, that was cool. That was fun to see.
He was slow as hell. And I beat him. I thought I beat him. He was like, I told him, I said, if you beat me, I'll give you $20. If you beat me, right? He was like, oh, guys, I can beat you. I promise I can beat you. And then we raced. And then I won. And he was like, hey, it was just split the pie. Fuck it. Just split it a half. Now, give me half the money, please. That's my time. Unbelievable. That's how it's done. Please say a brand new minute.
from the man himself. Come on, nigga, we outside, yeah? We are. We outside. Come on, man. It's unbelievable. It's shit crazy, man. We are in it. Hell yeah. No doubt about it. I let it call me a bigot the other day. Really? Yeah, and I'm like, I don't know the fuck that mean bitch, be smarter. Dumbass. Stupid, bitch. Use better words, stupid. What did you do to make her call you a bigot? What did you do to make her kill you a bigot?
God damn! Thank you, Tony. Fuck.
I've been fighting for you all week, now you have no idea. I've been fighting hard as shit. I've been fighting hard as fuck. That's my fucking brother, leave me alone, please. Don't fight rope-a-dope, just let them wear themselves. The crack heads love me, they love me. Trump, what do you think about Cam Patterson? I love the African Americans.
I love Trump acts like he saved black people. Before I was president, black people, they couldn't even walk. They couldn't speak English, can barely, can, but he's doing great. I speak great English, nigga, my English phenomenal. Yeah, he's like Joe Biden, bumbling, mumbling. So funny, man. So it's been a while the week for you, huh, Cam? It's been up and up and down. My brother loved that shit, though. My brother enjoyed it. Nice. Brother enjoyed it. Yeah, he a male man, so that's cool. I love it.
Yeah, yeah. He's a real male man. So what a guard. The funny thing is, I'm doing this, my life is going great, and my brother's a real man, man, and he's still my dad's favorite. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Are you the youngest? Otis. Okay. Well, he's the second oldest. Okay. Yeah. All right, how many brothers do you have? I got one brother. What? Wait, I got one, I got one blood brother. That's your note of, yeah. I got...
That's an ashtray. I got a lot of brothers I fought with you know what I'm saying like niggas I know from the streets shit, but like I want blood, brother. Okay, gang shit Indeed he the best man. He's just been doing his Kamala impression this whole time and she
That's good. So how many brothers do you have? Not one brother. Okay. I got a couple of home boys that we did some shit together, so they're my brothers also. They're done with your brother. Yeah. No, no, no. They're brothers, brother. They're brother. They're brother. They're brother. They're brother. They're brother, but they're not their brother. What the fuck that mean? You confused me right now. You confused me? We confused each other. I love it. Yeah, Gracie. Yeah, this is good. Is the male managing places? Is the male man your blood brother? Yes.
But he's not the oldest. The, you count the oldest is one of your. Oh, no, that's my, that's my, that's my system. Oh, the oldest symbol is my sister. Oh, okay. I got three sisters. I got three sisters in one brother match. Yeah. He's a male man because he has all these packages in his car. Like what? What the fuck that means? There you go. Red bands back. He will, you don't file for two weeks. That was terrible. Back to normal. All right.
I love it. Cam, were you on the road this week at all? Yeah. Where were you at? I was in Sacramento. Okay, Sacramento is fun. I'm in a spot. Yeah, punch line? Yeah, yeah. Great club. Great club. It was a guy in the crowd. It was like a swole dude or a swole guy. And I asked him, I said, what do you do? He was like, I'm an entrepreneur. And I was like, okay, yeah, we're like, what did it like? Or just an entrepreneur in? And then he was like, I'm a security. Like he just made it more vague than anything, right?
And then, kind of find out, he's like a security guard, and he came to the meet and greet, gave me a Gucci jacket. That was pretty cool. It was too big, so I gave it to my sister, because she big as hell, right? I am your sister. Yes. No, she no size. She big as hell. Big as beautiful. I gave it to my...
She should be a man, man. So I gave it a hug, and then we went. Then he took it to the Gucci store the next day and bought me some slides. He bought Jolly or Jackie. It was crazy. Real Gucci stuff. Yeah, he closed it down for us. I don't know what he might be the president. I don't know what he is. Damn. No, he robbed a Gucci store.
If it was closed, if it was closed when he went in there, I'm pretty sure. No, he said he started closing down for us. I was like, can we ask this? No, no, they could have never been in a riot. That's exactly what you were involved in. It was slower. It was giving us champagne and shit. Yes, you robbed it. Yeah, we robbed it. Fuck it. We robbed it.
Let's throw this shit. Amazing. See you have Gucci Slides now. I've been had Gucci Slides. I've had a bunch of Gucci Slides. I mean, I'm getting a lot of money. I was like, life ain't bad right now. You understand?
That's awesome. I got a bracelet in this shit. I'm having a bracelet about you. Hell yeah. We got bracelet. We're spending your money. I got a bracelet. I'm wearing a woman's walk. Look at that. Look at that cute little tiny watch. That's a little baby. That is the tiniest watch I've ever seen. This is my wrist look bigger. I got a little thing that makes me look bigger. Where did you get these? Is that Stuart Little? What is that?
Oh my come on I make money or watch you just got to bring that up
Jesus Christ. Don't die when you say words like that. And they come dangerous words right now, brother. I like it. I need it. Oh my goodness. I'm on the no fly list. I'm fucking. Yeah. What happened with Delta? Let's see the moment to talk about this. We should talk. Yeah. Let's talk about it. I want Camden put on this. I'm glad to be here for this. Yeah. He has a whole lot of brothers and cousins that work at Delta. I'm sure. You know, security. Atlanta based company.
And they were all riding in the overhead luggage, actually. They came out right up. Oh, so I tweeted a photo. They're not going to let me come back to cook out after this shit, man. They're going to burn me from this shit. Prepare to be called a bigot again.
Here we go. Tyler Fisher's Delta story. My Delta story. I took a picture of a pride pin and I just tweeted out, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy? Does it help the plane fly? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on. You took a picture of a pride pin connected to what?
A flight attendant. Right. That's an important part of the story. Okay. You just said you took a picture of a pride pin. So a flight attendant's wearing a pride pin and you said, what? I said, do I need to know who sucks dick or eats pussy? Does it help the plane fly? Does it?
I got banned for life for that shit? For life? Yeah. Damn. For life forever? Forever? Damn. I'm fucked forever. I got to take trains now. I got to take choo choo trains to my shows. What about like other... What about like other... What about like other... It's the biggest airline in the world. I mean, you don't have to spend on other airlines, dude. I will suck a pilot's dick to get back on. Hey, hey, hey. You don't have to do that. There's other airlines. There's different airlines. You can get on other airlines. You just stick with the train.
That's like when Texas, like, banned porn. Like, they just banned pornhub. That was it. All the other ones are still open. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's true. But go on a different airline. You fine. They're going to sue me, though, and they're suing me. I'll be thinking this shit. I'm a fucking genius. They're going to sue me. Yeah. For a little watch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Take all I got. This is it.
So what airline have you been using since? Oh, I took Frontier. I flew in this morning. Oh, look at me. Oh. You love, buddy. Oh, my God. You don't have to do it. Well, I did. That was all that was available, too. Oh, yeah. I came back from, I don't even remember where I was. It was so early. Seven connections from Dallas. Yeah. It's a bumpy landing on Frontier. They didn't even go up to a gate. They parked in the middle of the runway. And just put a fucking ramp down.
Yeah, I'm gonna be a spirit soon. Yeah boycott Delta by the way Yeah, yeah, you're right there you go. Yeah, how about you let the gays be gay on the plane race by gay man I love gay men. It's not about you. You were raised by gay man. Yes. I was going on him. I didn't know this. I was going on here. What's going on here? What's going on here? When I was seven it came out as racist, but then four years later he started fucking dudes
Damn, really? What? Look at me, obviously. Yeah, I had no idea that the Keebler elves were gay. All right. Wow. Delta. Yeah, that's... I mean, isn't that interesting that like... Like, I mean... We both had a rough week, huh?
I keep bringing my shit up here. I'd rather have yours. You could still find Delta, right? Not the Puerto Rico, but... I'd much rather have yours, dude. I will trade. I'll start smoking. I'll do whatever I gotta do. You lost all your airports. You only lost one. Oh my God.
Cam, literally the best minute of the night so far. You did it again. He has to do it every week. Not easy. Not an easy gig at all. How loud can this play skip with a great Cam Patterson? All right, back to the bucket we go. Jesus, I just broke a name. That's a first. Look at that. Brute strength. Make some noise for Leslie Childs, everybody. Leslie Childs is the next.
How's it going, everybody? My name is Leslie Childs. I'll just tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a single father. I've been raising my son by myself now for 11 years. Now, that's a long ass time to be doing something by yourself, right? So you're probably wondering the same thing everybody keeps asking me. Where the mom at? And that's a fair question. And I love telling people to honest God true because there's nothing fucking fun here. See, when my son was two weeks old, my baby mama, that bitch took off with a midget.
That's not a punch line. This bitch actually took off with a midget. And to this day, I don't know what pisses me off more. The fact that she took off with a midget or the fact that a midget was wearing cargo shorts. You ever seen the emo midget wearing cargo shorts? That shit will hurt your pride as a man. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Honestly, he looked like he was coming down on his shortcomings, though, for real.
But look, on some serious shit though, my son, he's 11 years old and I was half the periodic table in the first 22 digits a pie. Not to pat myself on the shoulder, but I don't think I did too bad for a guy who failed the retarded class every year, right? And look, this bitch had the nerves to call me back up after about a week talking about the major storm beer cans that are in fucking hitting her with cans of shit. I was like, bitch, that sound like a short relationship. Y'all, that's been my time. Y'all have a blessed night. Wow.
Well, jokes on her, the guy she left with can't fly Delta anymore. Welcome to the show, Leslie.
I appreciate it. Everywhere is roomy for you. You gotta stand up on this seat to adjust your airfant. I hide in the bathroom. I just sleep under the sink.
So Leslie, how long have you been doing stand up? I have been trying to get on this show for almost four and a half years. You've been trying to get on this show for almost four years. Almost four years, yeah. When you say that, you mean you've been signing up off and on? Dude, the shit I've been through just to try and get on this show will blow your mind. Name some of the things that you've been doing. All right, so I've drove from South Carolina where I'm from to here multiple times. My first time was for an HEB arena show. All this is on YouTube.
I took and traveled from there with no gas, no food, no money. Told jokes the entire time just to get by a gas station and shit. My car broke down five times in every fucking state. There was a person coming here to see the show on HEB with a ticket helping me to get my car fixed. And again, it's all on YouTube. Shit that comes out of my mouth will blow your mind, but just take your mind. Everything I'm telling you, including my joke is 100% true. I believe you. I mentioned it wasn't upgrade. I'm going to just.
No, my life is wild. Dude, you have no idea. So you're in South Carolina. That's where you live. Yeah. Your car broke five times on the way to the HEV Center. Have you tried to sign up for here multiple times? Yeah, dude. You know, everybody's seen that red car sitting underneath the bridge. Dude, that's my car. It's been here since you've seen it. Well, not everybody has seen a red car underneath the bridge. Let's just take a one step at a time here, Leslie.
So how many times do you think you've driven from South Carolina to Austin, Texas to sign up for this show? Just give me a ball. Probably about five times. I also did road from South Carolina to the LA one. Again, I guess I'll do no money. Oh my god. Are you also on a no-fly list? I'm on a lot of different lists, but not that one. A lot of different lists. And no touch list. Wow.
Okay, Leslie. Well, congratulations. You're here. You finally did it all the all the hours on the road. That's amazing. You wouldn't believe all the people that told me I wouldn't get here, dude. That was a waste of time that you're retarded. You're never gonna make it like I did fail the retarded class, but I made it. Fuck them. I love it. I love it, Leslie. You didn't give up. Here you are.
Here you are. What do you do for work, Leslie? I'm fully disabled. See, I'm legally classified as... This is usually where I lose people, so sorry. But uh... I'm legally... It's okay. You're like the fourth retarded guy on the show tonight. I'm legally classified as Suisada homosado bipolar chohamorta de priscite schizophrenia, OCD, ODD, ADHD, and slight not tears. I got more issues and more coverage than AT&C.
And by how fast you said that, you're also autistic. Yeah. Incredible. Tony, I've been telling everybody for a long time. I'm your wet dream dude, like the story. I see how surprised and amazed this man gets when he hears a true story, but the problem has been that every single time you hear these crazy true stories, they only got like one or two of them, dude. I got a fucking list of them. Thank God. Oh, and I got a fucking truth. Every single one of them. Thank God that was a list.
Pull that out. I was like oh fuck. He's Puerto Rican as well The security guard back there he had to pat me down. He's like no The security guard had to pat me down. He's like you got any nose. I was like dude. I ain't even allowed sharp objects So let's cover some of this scroll Let's fucking do it. How many you want to hear this scroll?
All right, so number one my baby mama took off with a midget again all this is true number two
I ran away with a girl from the night house. Number three, I met a girl out of spite to piss off my father. Now funny thing about this, somebody told me I spelt spite wrong and spelt spit. S-P-I-T, so. Oh well.
Number three, I married, oh no, I already did that one, fuck. All right, number four, I was kicked out of a woman's house for beating my meat for four days straight. Hold on a second, let's back it up a second. When you say that you married a girl out of spite in order to piss your dad off. You ready for this? Yeah. All right, so.
I hate my father, dude. Me and him always go at it. He fell out of a tree last year, and I was like, fuck it. But don't. All right, so. Make this your set. This is hilarious, man. Dude, I gotta stop all these is true. All right, so.
I was writing, you know how a steam mirror, and when you steam in the bathroom, and you can ride steel in the mirror and shit. I was drawing pentagrams and shit, you know, just to have it pop out and go, I don't know the devil. And so I was like, I love seeing people's reaction and mainly fuck away people. And so he did what I like to call church hopping. He went and found this Christian girl to come talk to me about our Lord Jesus Savior. And so that night I took her to the park and I fucked her.
And like literally everything was going good for about three months. And then one night she looks at me and goes, I'm going to go to a store and get some milk. And I was like, cool. Well, two weeks later, we found her in a psychiatric ward. The next day, over, sweater, but down. This is a lot right here. I had to Google most of this.
Apparently, and she was swearing up and down to Apache helicopters, we're landing in my father's backyard, talking to her about the masons, who apparently were after her because she knew that they killed her mother in some organization called the Red Coat was at our wedding. When we didn't even have a fucking wedding, we eloped. We didn't even have rings. Tony, do you know what the fuck they give you when you ain't got rings? No. Pipe cleaners, my one's blue.
Okay. All right, what's next on your list? That was only number four, dude. Damn, you didn't make it four. We got 50 on here. All right. I fell asleep in one school and woke up in another school. I walked over 100 miles just to get away from my family. The best way I can describe myself, dude, is like,
the actual forest gone, like for real. That's funny. I stole my mom's car when I was 12. I actually did that a few times. You ever been in a situation where you did some shit as a kid and then you grow up wishing that maybe they would have caught you just so you can brag about it and then you have to tell them.
I do all the time. It's good in number six. Glad you had a normal fucking life. I was running a veto ring. I just felt like running. Jenny was six at the time.
She like crack cocaine, too. Crack cocaine, regular cocaine. That exact line. I told somebody the exact line in DJJ, her father didn't think it was very funny. Keep going. What's next? It's like the old Letterman Top 10. This one just, number eight, this one just happened last year. I was shot several times with a pepper ball gun infused with tear gas. That was by my aunt.
Fuck you, Tina. Anyway. Keep going. Number nine. All right. All right. Oh, last year, my father stole $30,000 from me. Fuck you again for that. How did you have $30,000? How did you make $30,000?
All right, so again, all right, so I've been intuitionalized since I was five years old, all right? In and out for a long time, for six plus years, until I was 18, and could say, I'm no longer going back. Literally, just so these motherfuckers can go, okay, he's not in the picture, we got a family perfect thing, and when he gets out, we get paid. So that's been pretty much my entire life. What was the question?
Fuck you, Tina. Yeah. Fuck you, Tina. How did you get $30,000 you see? Yeah, I know. So I took and I decided that I was going to try and pursue comedy through welding, right? And it took a lot.
A lot of people go to LA, a lot of people in New York, a lot of people just start welding. Well, I'm a single father, so I had to figure out how to do this and do that at the same time. Of course. So I was going to do travel well and get paid for it. Traveling. Yeah. Interesting. And so anyway, for like four or five years, I wasn't
accepting my disability, because I thought that if you made too much money, then you're off disability. Apparently, that's not the case. And they owed me money, and me and my father, we got the same first middle and last name. And so he was like, ooh, I'll take advantage of this situation. And so I ended up in a car. How you doing? You've been staring at me pretty hard. Nope. I'm not going to hurt anyone. That's a psychotic episode you're having in person. Just watching you. You're on stage right now. Everyone's watching it. What's next on the list? All right.
I've been a single father for 11 years. I've been on more medication than any child should ever have to take. Let me stop you for a second. Let's talk about this 11-year-old. Yeah. Where are they right now? Right now he's in a car with a brown light. A red car under the bridge. Don't worry. The windows are up. He's not going to drown. Hold on. It's raining right now. Hold on. Hold on. What? Yeah. All right. So we live in my car, me, my camera guy, and my son. Wait. What?
You have a fucking camera guy? Yeah. What? Who's fucking awesome? Wait, what? Oh my god. What? You pay a camera guy? No, he was like getting paid out of his place. And I was like, dude, I've been coming back and forth here for four years, trying to figure out best ways to live out of my car because I lost everything to COVID, dude. I lost my job, my house, my truck. And so I said, fuck it. If I'm going to struggle, then I'm going to choose my struggle. But I'm damn it. I'm going to do comedy. And I'm going to be the best father I can be. So fuck anybody who says you can't.
See, your 11-year-old is with a camera guy right now? Yeah, dude. Anybody who meets this kid loves him. He's smart, he's not shy, he's fucking outgoing. Literally, he knows half the periodic table in the first 22 digits of the pie. I put a lot of time and effort into him. I've known I wanted to do comedy for a long time, because if not for all these fucking crazy ass stories, why not comedy? Do you have a squirrel?
Does he go to school the 11-year-old or is he home? He goes right up the road, dude. Here in Austin. Yeah. It's in the back seat. But I thought you lived in South Carolina. I did.
How long have you been here? About three and a half months. About that long. No, some of this shit is new. Some of this shit's out long right there. That's how long he's been here. That looks like a hammock that Tyler.
I forget what number was on. Okay. Give us another one up there. The end is just going to be a good professional. You know what? You know what? Screw the list. I'm going to go back to some questions that I had. The 11-year-old goes to school.
You, him, and your camera guy all sleep in your car every night. Yeah, which it takes. If you actually think about it, it takes a lot of effort if you do it the right way. Like if you're seriously, if you're seriously trying to make sure that DSS, which I've already been tested four times, comes up to your car, you got to have the receipts. You got to have to make sure your car is clean. You got to make sure he's clean. I only dressed like this on one. Where do you guys shower at?
All right, so I got a membership with a Y. We also, there's organizations that help you out with showers and stuff. Like I said, for three years, I came out here scoping out everything to make sure it was possible. I wasn't nominated 2017 Father of the Year Award through South Carolina for nothing.
Is that true? Yeah. You were almost the father of the year in South Carolina. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Through man to man in a decade. Who won? Huh? I didn't show up. Fuck me. Tim was. I was nominated. I was an Austin pick and check and things out. So I couldn't pick up my award. Otherwise I would have been down there. I didn't got a child can weld like a motherfucker.
I don't give a shit what they said. Do you perform other places sometimes to like practice for this? Are you just focused on getting on Kill Tony? I've been taken because when I moved here, I didn't know nothing about comedy. I didn't know anything at all whatsoever. I didn't know a set from a bit, dude. Sure. Yeah. And so I basically told everybody, look, I'm going to use this as a platform, trying to figure out things I know and things I don't know to even try to ask about.
And so that's all I've been doing is watching your show taking notes and figuring out, okay, how to make a joke? Where should I go and learn shit? And shit like that. That's how I've been starting. Well, I mean, what can I say? Leslie, you are something else. Here's a book. What I'm going to do for you is I'm going to give you a big joke book and for the
11-year-old I'm gonna give him a big joke book to I'm gonna give you some zippick's nicotine toothpicks I need those And for your camera guy a small joke, but that's for the camera guy Yeah But we got to keep it moving along, but that's for that's for the whole fucking the whole household
The whole car, car hold. Can I ask one favor? What? Can I ask one favor? Can you ask me for one favor? Hold on band, hold on. He's going to ask me for a favor and here we go. Can I please find and show me where a camera is and I just, y'all don't understand how much I hate this bitch, Tina. You're about to talk shit to your aunt right now? Yeah, dude.
Uh, you see that guy with his hand up over there? Look right at him. All right. Tina, fuck you, fuck you, son. I told you I'd get here. I told you I could do this. I told you I was fucking funny. Fuck you. Wow. Welcome to the first ever episode of Kill Tina. Wow. Oh, did I also mention I made, uh, D-Man is a sweater. I hope he got it.
Did you get a sweater? Someone give you a sweater lately. It's a demoness. I'm not gay on the back of it. Well, he wouldn't know what it says. But I'm sure he did, and if not, he will. Ladies and gentlemen, make noise one more time for Leslie Childs, everybody. Wow. Wow. Proof that anybody can sign up for this show.
Proof that anything can happen. That is a very interesting case. Alright, thank you. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Alright, let's get another bucket pull up. Make some noise for Matt Galetta, everybody. Matt Galetta. Interviews have been running long tonight. Here's Matt Galetta, everybody. Yeah, it's nice to be in Texas where both abortion and jerkin' offs illegal.
Yeah, man, damn, it's crazy to be here in Austin, Texas, man. Hey, you know what's really crazy is that when you go to Austin, Texas, porn is banned, right? Pornhub is illegal in Austin, Texas. I don't know if you guys know this. So I have to get ID and have my dick in my hand just to see pornography.
I'm like Edward Snowden when I jerk off. I delete most of my internet history, all right? It's like Texas, Pornhub, I have my dick in my hand, and my ID, what was this, why fucking on Epstein's Island? I got a show ID, I got my dick in my hand, what am I gonna fucking, my children's playpen? I got my dick in my hand, I got a show ID, what is this P that he's mentioned before the cop trade?
God, Jack says, I'm not a criminal for jerking off. God damn, that's a... What the fuck? Matt Galletta, whoa, our first boo of the night, Matt!
What's going on, Matt? How are you, buddy? It's okay. Over here, Matt. Focus on me, Matt. Stop being mean to me. Oh my God. Fucking assholes. Matt, over here, Matt. Don't rattle them up, Matt. I'm trying to help you. Focus on me. What's up, bud? How you doing? I'm doing great. Okay. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy for? How long have you been a full grown sea monkey? I have been a sea monkey for a while.
I haven't grown any taller. I've been doing comedy on and off for about five years. Really? Where have you been doing it on and where have you been doing it off? There was a guy before you that has every mental illness in the world and a scroll and he buried you with a shovel. He sleeps in a three-bedroom car.
You have no excuse right now. Okay, Jake. Wow, being almost father of the year. Did you come with the scroll of felonies when you came up here too? No, nothing you say is working, Matt. Theo bombed. My goodness gracious, look at you. Well, it's great to be here, guys, bombing in front of you. Wow, okay. No, really, I'm happy to be here the way. Okay, all right.
Matt, where have you been doing this comedy at? I started doing a comedy in New Jersey. OK. You were in Jersey. All right. And then what happened? I basically been doing comedy since I was about 20 years old. And I was doing it. I live right near the Jersey shore. So Rutgers has the stress factory, Vinnie Brand. So I was doing comedy there for, yeah. And they like you out there. I guess, yeah. They do? No. They don't like it.
No, they like me fine, man. I was just doing it. I always love comedy. I wanted to do it. I actually had a month off of not coming to do comedy co-com here. And so, you know, I'm happy to just do it again for you guys. And even if I didn't do well, I fucking love it, man. Right, you love it, no matter what. No matter what. Okay, great. What do you do for work, Matt? I'm basically unemployed. How do you survive?
I got hit by a Jewish person. Whoa, that is nothing. They're not going to driving. They hit me and then I got money. What do you mean you got hit? They hit me with the car car. You got rear ended. I got rear ended by a Jew. Is that why you look like a balding Hitler right now? Yeah. Side short.
Fight! Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's a surprise. I was just putting my height, I'm the same height. Nine. Nine, nine. Okay, don't, don't feed it to a Tyler. Jesus, don't start speaking German to the Nazi. Cheers. I'm just going bald, I'm just a como. I didn't know Nazi things. Okay, all right. Rockin' the, rockin' the como. Okay.
By the way, Tony, thank you so much for your roast. That was where you did with Trump's rally. That was awesome. Okay. Well, yeah. Much is true. You guys don't like what he did? The Jews hate them. The Jews hate this guy. I mean, really do. Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt. What's an interesting thing about your life? What's a redeeming quality about you? Everybody hates you right now. What's going to make everyone like you? Oh, Jesus.
I got a tap dance or sing a song like all these other fucking people. Jesus Christ. Honestly, I don't know if I have a redeeming quality, but I used to be a musician. I used to play music. What kind of music did you play? I played basically metal music. What did you do in the band?
I played guitar and then I also do vocals. I am vocalist. Okay, how about we play some metal music and we see your vocals? No, I could request a song. We could do a song. What? You want me to do a song? Is that what we're doing right now, right? Not all of it. I mean... Obviously. Here's a little joke, but there he goes. Macaletta, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Macaletta, everybody. There he goes.
Alright. You guys still having fun out there? Let's do one last bucket pull. I pulled. We haven't had a female up yet tonight, so I pulled until I got a woman. Here we go. Make some noise for a minute from Stacey Ross, everybody. Stacey Ross.
What's up, Austin? I love this dick-filled room. It's awesome. I love Kill Tony.
But more about me. It's a little wet out there. It's a little wet out there. This is what we do for fucking comedy. I love it. Any chucklefuckers? I mean, I have to be funny for you to want to chuckle my fucker, I guess. But all my ex-boyfriend said I taste funny. So that's why I'm here. It's for something, right?
Are you guys really? I understand I'm from LA. I wanna say I'm not liberal, but look at me. Right? I mean, you knew what I was gonna look like, right? But you pretty much knew, like you heard the voice, you're like, I know what she's gonna look like. Thank you guys. Oh my goodness.
Stacey Ross, can we bring Magaletta back out here? It's crazy. Stacey, Stacey, Stacey, Stacey. Oh my goodness. I'm still alive right now. Shocking. Stacey, welcome. Welcome, welcome. How's your life going? How you doing?
Talking to the microphone, Stacy. Yeah, I forgot. You're living your dream right now. You're wrestling with Requiem for a Dream. This is probably the highlight of my life right now. Yes, absolutely. I'm gonna cry. Right, definitely. Ever since you left the band Motley Crew, this is the new highlight of your life. I mean, they didn't have room for you.
Motley crew. What do you mean? Because I had to leave them. Because I had to leave the band. Never mind. Okey-dokey. Did you say I left Motley crew? OK. All right. Wow. I'll fuck her.
That's the best offer I've had all day, thank you. I'm a fugitive from Delta Airlines. Yeah. Stacy, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?
Uh, almost five years. Five years. Off and on or on? On. Okay. On. Okay. On myth. All right. Uh, what's the coolest gig you've ever done? This room right here right now. Okay. That's cool. Good answer. This town is fucking awesome. You live here? No, I'm here for a week.
Okay. So I'm leaving it for the morning. You're leaving it for in the morning? Yeah. Okay. I was here doing shit all week. I'll drive you to the airport, don't worry. He's gonna have to drop you off at the frontier gate though. You're gonna have to walk a little bit. Why are you gonna do that to me? Oh my goodness, Stacy. You miss me, I know.
Me? Yeah, you. You were on the show before in LA? Like six times. That's right. I kind of remember that. You had a different name then, correct? Lady Blue Ball or Blue Ball? That's right. I kind of remember that. It's a story. It's a good one. What is the story? Well, I'm going to find out later. This is so real. It's so good for me at all.
You have to sharpen your skills. I was playing a lot of poker. And I wanted to have my game all about poker. So I'm rubbing one out before I play in a poker game. And then I'm going to have you hander this. I'm out of little joke book Stacy, and we're running out of time. We're going to keep the show moving. Make some noise for Stacy, everyone. Good luck. This thing took up. Go over that. You're caught up in the microphone. Take the microphone out. We don't need you going down even further. Thank you, yes.
Don't wanna be. It's pleasure. Pleasure. There she goes. Sinesi, everybody. Pleasure. No, Tyler. No, don't, Tyler. No, come back. No. Everybody's wet. It is from what we understand. It is down pouring outside, which clearly makes the mentally ill a little more mentally ill. Hey, we still haven't fun.
I got good news, ladies and gentlemen, we are done with the bucket pulls. There's only one person that can close an episode like this. And it is indeed the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews. I mean, what can I say about him? He is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis strangler, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery!
that lady literally just touched my dick when she walked past me. On the way here, my girlfriend and I pulled up to an intersection and there was a homeless guy wearing a Nirvana shirt and my girlfriend rolls down the window and says, name four songs dumbass. My agent called me the other day and said he thinks there might be a World War three and I said, great, could there be a part in it for me?
But then I started thinking about it, and I think the last thing we need is another Hollywood reboot. What's harder finding where's Waldo are going to a rap concert and trying to figure out which one on stage is the rapper? It's like they're all kind of wearing the same thing on stage, but they're not. Okay, that's my time. But yeah, William lights out Montgomery.
Hell yes, welcome, William. So nice to be here, Tony. I love it. God, my throat is really hurting right now. I'm a little worried. I don't know. Please, somebody needs to please, maybe one of y'all knows, but I wonder, I've been drinking so much honey recently. I've been drinking so much throat code tea with honey. I literally, I will drink a full bottle in two nights. I just wonder if you can have too much sugar and honey. Yes. Can you? Yes.
What happens if you have too much honey? You die. Why don't you look it up? Look up a maximum amount of honey. Diabetes. It's her and I. The answer. You've had a sore throat for absolutely months now. It's horrible, Tony. I'm not even kidding. I think I've done something weird. And hold on. Who is that guy?
That is on the guitar. He's been weirding me out. Red Band, do you know that guy at all? I actually have no idea. That is indeed Sean Greenberg joining us tonight. He absolutely rocked it out earlier during the pre-show. I was up there watching. He's a freak of nature. Cool. Yeah. Nice to meet you, Sean. I mean, I just had never seen it before. I've never noticed it before. Yeah.
Yeah, what do you think about it? Hold on, can you do something else? That was cool, something else cool. Yeah, what else you got? Sean, let's fucking flex over here a little bit. Sean Greenberg. Well, he plays guitar. You know what, Sean, hold on. Let's do something fun. While you wail on the guitar, I'm gonna name some of the side effects of having too much honey.
And here we go, wheezing and asthmatic symptoms, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, weakness, excessive perspiration, fainting, irregular heart rhythms, aka arrhythmia, cardiovascular disease,
Stinging after topical application. Keep playing cool things Sean, like change it up a little bit. There you go. Stinging after topical application. It is to be used as a natural sweetener, cough suppressant, and topical product for minor sores and wounds.
Giving honey to a baby under the age of one year can cause a rare but serious gastrointestinal condition called infant botulism, caused by exposure to clostridum botulism spores. Bacteria from the spores can grow and multiply in a baby's intestines, producing a dangerous toxin.
Kill two birds with one stone there. You got to hear Sean Greenberg and the side effects of having too much hunting. After studying all of this, Sean, can you play behind your back? Can you really play behind your back? Can you play behind your back? No, he doesn't do that. He likes to keep it all in front of him.
So, do you heard the side effects of having too much honey? Does any of that apply to you? Tony, you're gonna hate me right now. Oh boy, you have- Guess what I've been doing. What have you been doing? Oh boy, you're gonna- Okay. Seriously, just do it. You're gonna hate to hear what I'm about to tell you. Mm-hmm.
I'm not kidding. There's a new call of duty, and it's a video game, and I have almost all of my submachine guns. Gold came a flash right now. It was a 2 XP weekend. I have been playing it so much, Tony. So I came up here a little.
How does your throat hurt if you spend multiple days a week not working? Because you basically, I've noticed you've started taking Tuesday, Wednesdays, and Thursdays after you are, I start feeling insane. Right. I start feeling crazy. I have to have some sort of downtime. I have to have some sort of downtime. OK, cool. I start feeling nuts.
Okay, like really crazy I started feeling really crazy recently if I start feeling like I'm working a little too hard I start feeling working saying you call what you do Yeah, getting fucking at that six submachine guns. I got gold camouflage Yes, I was working that literally was 24 hours. How long I don't play games like that How long does it take to beat a game like call of duty does is there in it? You don't beat it. You just keep on playing. Yeah
Wow. But I've been doing that. Yeah, I got to relax. I've been feeling great. I got to take a little break. I mean, you don't want to hear that. I got to take some sort of a little break just generally. I hear you Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and sometimes Friday, Saturday.
Do you think maybe you're doing too many cameos? Is that what might be driving you crazy? By the way, it would drive any of us crazy. We did as many cameos as you. Well, I mean, we're getting into the Christmas season. I mean, things are really ramping up, Tony. I mean, this is the most hectic time of the year for my ass. I mean, it's Thanksgiving.
Fucking Thanksgiving. What else you got? I mean, it's a lot of this. It's not really a lot of Thanksgiving. You get a lot of questions or requests? No. No, I've never, no. How about a Hanukkah? I refuse them every now and again. No, there's just seriously every now and again. I'm like, hold on, this person's trying to trick me right now. And they've all happened to be for those ones. Okay. So other than call of duty,
What else have you been doing, William? That's about it. We saw each other at the airport. I know, we saw each other. That was the day I got banned. Really? Yes, right. That was the flight that I tweeted the pin. Did you get banned too? Huh? I got banned from Delta Airlines. See, you saw him. Yes. And then you got on your Delta flight. We saw each other about 50 times because we had to go through the TSA pre-check. So we had to make conversation. Imagine that.
About 50 times we did it. We did pretty well. I know. And then I got banned from Delta Airlines about 10 minutes later. So...
So what? So what episode? We're just bringing it closer. Let me ask you this. When you got on that Delta flight, you saw the flight attendant walk by you, right? Yeah. And did you take the picture of us? I fingered her first. I didn't. I love her. OK. No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. I didn't. Absolutely insane thing to say. Yeah, I didn't do that. So the flight attendant. This week, it's over. Was it a woman? Who's to say? You get in trouble for even, really. Vote. Make sure you vote. End the bullshit.
So you took a picture, was it like the first time you saw where you're like, oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Like that or would you wait a second? I'm tired of treating adults like kids with a rainbow bullshit. It's enough. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, I was doing so good until until now. No, it's good. It's great. I'm a little furious about it. Yeah, I took a photo and I posted it and I actually deleted the photo because somebody's her face was in it.
And her daughter reached out and said I agree with you I hate the Woke shit and her friend reached out because I hate the fucking Woke shit But you can you take it down because her face is in it. I took it down Wow. Yeah Wow track shit on Twitter boy. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead and retweet that. Yeah, that's
Tie the fish, it's great gonna be right there. F-I-S-C-H. Wait, so what do you mean you got kicked off of an airplane? Is that what all this is about? No, no, no, I got a band for a tweet. I took a photo and tweeted it later on. And a band for life. Gotta be careful. Yeah. I know. It happens to be. Williams always very well behaved on airplanes. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen on an airplane, William?
You have any money? Honestly, Tony, there was a time we were. It's been so scary recently because, yes, you're technically correct, Tony. On Sundays, I'm not doing anything, but I generally sleep an hour to three, so I have to nap. I have to nap, or I'm not doing good.
And it was so scary. I started on these early flights. I started having these nightmares that I meet. I find myself in the actual airplane and the airplane starts crashing and Tony, there was one, one day where it was when I was opening up for your ass and you were sitting in front of me and it's like, I wake up and I'm on the plane and I see you looking out of the window and like rain starts coming in because there's some issue with the plane and sounds like a Delta flight.
But that was a scary one, so now I can't go to sleep. Right, right. So all the yelling, it's like over, because your throat's always sore. Have you gone to a doctor for this? No. I don't have health insurance. What do you mean you don't have health insurance? I don't have health insurance. William, you're rich. I'm 37. Why do you pretend like,
and I'm rich. I mean, I think that could mean all kinds of things. Yes, I mean, I'm currently think the Lord above. I don't have any debt or anything, but I don't know. I mean, I think it's very much so all relative about somebody's spending here. I think there's all kinds of stuff that goes in the
That, I don't know. Yeah, things think the Lord have been all right. I mean, again, get a Christmas cameo from me. I mean, they're wonderful. Get one of those, but it's a great ad. It's just been a hard and now it's raining outside. I got to go play some more Call of Duty. I don't even want to play it anymore, Tony, but I'm going to be playing it all night long tonight, all night long tonight. And it's going to be raining outside and I roll up some little joints and
Step by the television and start talking shit and start some of the fucking little people on the fucking load. Wow. Well, William. What can I say? Is there anything that you're passionate about this week, anything else other than Call of Duty? Getting my SMG goal, camouflage! Whoa! Oh my goodness. Did that hurt when you just did that? Yes. Oh, OK. In that case, we'll put a ribbon on it. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.
Ian Bag is on tour. Go to Ianbag.com with two G's. I-A-N-B-A-G-G.com. Tyler Fisher's on tour. Ian, thank you so much. How about a hand for Ian Bag? Thanks for having me. How about a hand for Tyler Fisher? F-I-S-C-H. .com for tour dates. He's on tour. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Beld is in. It's amazing. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. What do we got? Oh, shit. Trump and Biden.
Look out, classic characters from the show. Thank you to Squarespace, Blue Chew Prize Picks, Game Time, Talk Space, Zippics, Toothpicks. And to you guys, the audience, thank you guys so much, Red Band. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. God bless America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.
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