563: No Such Thing As Bananas In The Vatican

Hello and welcome to another episode of No Such Thing is a Fish, a weekly podcast this week coming to you live from Brisbane!

My name is Dan Schreiber. I'm sitting here with Anatoshinsky, Andrew Hontomuri, and James Harkin. And once again, we have gathered around the microphones with our four favorite facts from the last seven days, and in no particular order, here we go. Starting with fact number one, and that is my fact. My fact this week is that Christmas is a very dangerous time for German penises.

This is a little study that was released last year where German scientists were looking into the rate of hospital visits whereby someone has walked in and said, I think I've snapped my penis. Oh, snapped. Oh, you hear a crack when it happened? No, too much. Well, that's what we're talking about. Very Christmas. Yeah. Is this going to be our Christmas special?

Oh yeah, I think, yeah, a Christmas special in a sort of health and safety message. Public service. Yeah. So actually, okay, to say that, that would happen if people are having sex, right? So we say more people are having sex and that's why they're entering themselves. Exactly, they're in party mode. And so a lot more sex happens in that period. It says the injury tends to occur during wild sex.

Particularly in positions where you're not in direct eye contact, so all of you... I'll always maintain eye contact, guys. There's no such... I don't think there is such a position, is there? We're not in direct eye contact.

Not in my order. And by the way, Australia, you think you're getting off lightly, it's also a dangerous time for Australian penises. So be careful, there was a Queensland doctor who said the cases had spiked by, I think, no, 50% I think it was. Wow, in that period. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

It settles down about New Year's time in Germany, for German penises. There's less sex at the New Year period, so it sort of calms down by the end of the year. But yeah, it's apparently when people go in with this injury, it's quite a sight. The term colour of an aubergine is often used. Oh my God. I am never using that emoji ever again.

And it apparently remained consistent during the COVID-19 pandemic. Right. Yeah. So that didn't dent it at all in that period. No, it snapped it. Yeah. That's why, because that's not the most dangerous phenomenon for penises, which I thought it might be. Well, the thing that causes most penis injuries, most penis hospital visits, probably guessable. Back to cleanness. OK.

I knew I was going to overshare as soon as I opened my mouth then. You should have waited a split second for that, chapping the audience to interrupt you with the correct answer, because I think you just said flies. I was like, I think you said wives. I thought they would.

Girlfriends can do it too. Flies, of course. Zippers, yeah. People are getting zipped up in them. Accounts for not 0.5% of ER visits altogether, which I think is quite high. That is quite a lot. 1 in 200, mostly children or younger teenagers. When you're not quite learned yet, that it's there.

That takes a few years. In 13th century England, Christmas was a very dangerous time for testicles. If you were a person who made money, if you were working in the mint, because the penalty for debasing coinage was cutting off the money as right hand and right testicle and nailing it to the door of the smithy. Wait a second. These coins are all made of chocolate.

Yeah, because in 11.25 on Christmas Day, Henry I got all of the money as to Winchester and had one of their balls chopped off. Oh, on Christmas Day! Christmas Day! Wow. Well, sorry, he had one of each of their balls chopped off. Or just he picked one out of a hat. No. No, it wasn't out of a hat. He got all the money as in. I think about the relate four or five of them who got off and not in that way.

Can I ask you guys a quick question? Yes. Has anyone on this panel, and I'll put this out to the room as well, does anyone know anyone who's ever had a broken penis? No. No. It's OK, a few people have. What do you mean, like, hospital level broken, or googling it in a panic level broken? I know both. Yeah.

I know two people, so one was a kid on our school bus in Sydney. I wasn't there on this day annoyingly, but they gave him a wedgie that was so hard, so they lifted him to the top bar, and then he went, a different sound came out of this, like a gutural animal sound came out, and he was missing for weeks, because his penis had snapped, so that was one person. And then the second person, the three of you do know... Oh, great.

It's me. No, it's not me. It's a guest who's been on our show, someone who broke their member on it. Sadly, toxic. Is there someone where this is public information or are you the only person they told in secrecy and now it's going out to the end?

Stephen Fry said I could say this. It was Johnny Knoxville of Jackass. He puts himself at risk quite a lot. He went over on a motorbike and he landed and he broke it and he's always asked about it. He says this has been well documented. So much has been said about so little.

And they said that he might not, he was going to suffer from it, but he's had two kids since it happened. So, yeah, it was all fun. Can I talk about Christmas? Yes, please. Let's get away from it. Please, please, please. OK, do you want to hear an absolutely wild thing that happened in Christmas 1972? OK.

OK, so it was sent in by a listener called Yara Teatsu, thank you for this. Marie Heffernan was a 13-year-old girl. She had a Christmas dinner with her family, right? In Australia, at their home near Wallergong. And she... Wallergong. Is that how it was pronounced? Is this like her? From the reaction, I'm not sure that's how you do pronounce it. Wallergong.

You cannot, I am Australian, you cannot speak. Well, I'm gone. Well, I'm gone. Well, you're not looking at me. That's what I said. Because I'm worried. You're going to tell me about more penis stuff. He just wants some eye contact. All right. At their home near Wollongong.

So she had this Christmas dinner, she got bad bronchitis and laryngitis after eating Christmas dinner, right? It cleaned up, that sort of she got better, but her voice did not come back. And the doctors just said, well, you've lost your voice due to a virus, it could come back any time, but it's, you know, you have to just wait. She waited for 12 years.

with no voice. And then, suddenly, at the age of 25, she started to choke, and she had a little coughing fit, and it brought up this little sort of lump from her throat. She took the lump to the Royal Canberra Hospital, where a doctor found it was not human tissue, but a 1959 three-penny coin.

that she had swallowed from the Christmas pudding, or rather she hadn't swallowed it. It got stuck between her vocal cords, so it was thin and in a horizontal position, so the X-ray didn't see it when she was X-rayed, so she had no voice for 12 years, because it had just stayed exactly in position and stopped her vocal cords vibrating. And then when they got it out, she went, I think there's a coin in my throat!

Isn't that... That is mental. Mental, yeah, crazy. That's a weird version of a little mermaid, isn't it? Yes, isn't it? It's the less good tunes in that one, but yeah. Yeah, anyway. Yeah, so the penis injuries aren't the most common injuries at Christmas, but there are quite a lot of very Christmas-specific injuries. And I find it really interesting, because they're all cataloged, and these stories come out of Christmas about what's the most likely way you'll get injured. And the way they collect the data is from hospital visits.

And all things where you think, why have you gone to hospital? So loads of people pull muscles getting turkey out of the oven. Now, what kind of, you know, diligent Christmas housewife is going to get turkey out of the oven, spraining a little bit of an arm and demanding she goes to hospital rather than serving up bloody lunch like she should be.

Honestly, I just like to disassociate myself with that comment. Welcome to Back to the 1950s. Christmas in the 50s. No, there's some other weird ones like a woman who slipped while stapling a Christmas light, stapled her left hand. I've put a stapler in my hand. They're very small. Don't go to hospital. Is this fair advice?

You were such a loss to the FH side, aren't you? Get out, get out, get out, get out. No, no, no. Just Google it. No.

Google in a panic by... There was one where I thought, that's justified. This was on Christmas Day. A moment where a mum noticed her five-year-old was picking their nose, and when they got up close to the five-year-old, they found that a foul odour was coming out of their nose, and it was discovered the child had put a Christmas decoration in their left nostril. But what Christmas decoration emits a foul odour? Maybe the... I don't know, maybe it had been there a while, or...

It's only Christmas Day. No, you're right, you're right. Well, there are always dogs that swallow tinsel, and then you have to... Don't go to any of them either. No, you have to remove it from the other end off, and don't you? You do. It's called a linear foreign body, if you're a vet. Do you? Yeah. Is there any point where it's still coming through the mouth and you're removing it from the other side? I don't believe that sort of permanent dog floss has been invented. That's interesting. Yeah.

Um, sorry. Yeah, America has a similar database where they log down all the Christmas injuries. Do you know what you're talking about? Nice. Yeah. So, nice. Any ISS, sorry to trouble. But National Electronic Injury Surveillance System, it records all the data. And Nice is an anagram of Nissa, which is the Danish for ELF. Oh my God. Yeah. Wow. What's going on there? You've learned the ship wide open, Andy. Yeah. And Nice is also naughty or nice.

Yeah, what's going on? What are they hiding? Well, I think we'll agree that was worth the interruption. But so, yeah, they published a report in 2009. Do you want to go to the hospital for that third?

2014, 809 people were admitted into ER in the States for Christmas-based injuries. There's a lot of normal ones, almost similar to the ones that you're talking about, Anna, about pieces getting stuck in and so on. This one's interesting. This was a 21-year-old man who, according to the database, was riding on a TV when he ran into a turkey and lost control and then ran into a tree. No more information supplied.

Another big Christmas setback or mess up that you can have is food poisoning. Oh, yeah. So this is, you know, if you don't cook a turkey enough or anything, I guess. So in 2013, there was a group of Norwegian seafood researchers from Norway's National Institute of Nutrition and Seafood Research, and they thought, let's have a Christmas party. Why don't we use some lovely local cockles and we'll serve them raw, but we'll pour boiling soup all over them. So that will theoretically be absolutely fine. OK.

All of them got horrific food poisoning. And then, because they were the investigators, they had to investigate their own Christmas party to see what it caused it. The problem was that the soup was gazpacho, wasn't it? Yeah, that's right.

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It is time for fact number two, and that is Anna. My fact this week is that the value of goods Americans refund each year is more than the GDP of 90% of the world's countries.

What? It is a big problem. By some estimates, it takes you to an amount that is more than all but the richest 19 countries in the world's GDP. So Switzerland is about where you get to. At which point, Switzerland is financially a smaller country than the return goods of the United States of America. It's also more than America spends on roads, railways and airports put together.

I don't know what's like here in Oz at the moment, but back in the UK, I feel like there needs to be a lane specifically now for people returning items, because that's what you're stuck behind when you're trying to buy something in a physical shop. And what it is is people are buying clothes, going out and partying one night, and then returning it the next day. And they found that all these people who are returning stuff

There's just obvious patterns. So people who buy portable generators during weather emergencies, they'll use them right until the emergency is ended. And then all of those go back, just this huge amount goes back. There's a big culture of lots and lots of refunds as well. So as in, you're entitled to a refund for lots of stuff. So in the USA, Petco will take back fish that have died. You can get a refund if your fish has died. Like Monty Python.

sketch. Pretty much, except they just don't quibble. Home Depot lets you return dead plants for a year. All you have to do is be shameless enough to wrap up your dead plant and send it back and they will probably give you the refund. The key to know there is they're not selling these things on and this is why it's a problem. Obviously they don't flock a dead plant to some chump and convince them it's a rare species.

Because I think that's what happens when people send back their clothes or something, they think, oh, they'll just put it back on their rack and... Yeah, I assume that. They never do that. And most people will order three sizes of the same thing and then keep the one that fits and send the two others back. Most people. I mean, most people don't do that, don't worry. But most people who have done the refunds.

My wife, my wife, that's what I'm trying to say. And so they'll send back the two that didn't fit. And then probably everyone assume, OK, that just goes back onto. And it doesn't. But when you think about it, it's an insane assumption to make. Because I assume that if I send back this pair of socks, then it'll be returned and it'll be somehow got back into the stream of new socks that are coming out of the sock factory. And it's actually very difficult to get a pair of socks into the new supply line of socks. And it's not worth it. And it's sort of. And you've got to get that weird plastic thing with the two little toggles on the end through it again.

Well, I always include that in a separate envelope when I send it back, but still, I think it doesn't do any good. Do you own me like by the pair of socks just to wear them once for sex, presumably, and they'll send them back? Yeah, but it's a once-y everything, so it doesn't matter. You know, it's a relatively low-impact thing. But when you did, there was an amazing thing in the Atlantic about this whole system. So when you return an item, what we see as customers is you see the label you print out, you might hand it to a local shopkeeper and they post it off for you, and you get the refund.

But beyond that, there's this mad system that kicks in of liquidators and recyclers and resellers. And they are shuffling it and sometimes they're reselling it. And this is what the Atlantic says. Deep within that system in a processing facility in the Lehigh Valley, a guy named Michael has to sniff your sweatpants.

Because they have these material, what they call material handlers, who have to work out what to do with it. Is this good to be sold on? Is it fine? And so they'll look, they'll feel, they'll assess, and they'll take a big old sniff. And they make them change their names, don't they, as part of the job? It's all Michael. It's Michael 1, Michael 2, Michael 3.

Yeah. And we should say this is pretty much all online. It's online, which has related this enormous industry. But like you said, it was begun. The habit of letting people refund their clothes, no questions asked in the early 20th century. And in fact, I think it was JCPenney stores, which are those big

American department stores that was their innovation quite early on to basically say customers can bring anything back. No questions asked to the extent that people would bring stuff in that was clearly from another shop and then they'd refund it there. I think Walmart said the same thing. Walmart took tips from them. We're like, yeah, we'll take it back. They bring a pony back that they've got from the logo. So just take it, give them a refund, give them 10 grand, let them go on them anyway.

The customer's always, right? And I think the guy who founded Walmart worked at JCPenney, didn't he? I think he did, yeah. And JCPenney, billionaire, who created an industry. Do you know what the sea in JCPenney stood for? Christmas. Oh, no. Oh, cash. Cash, cash penny. Like the rich English family called Money Coots, which is Coots is the bank. Yeah, cash penny. I wish I could tell you what the J was, and I forgot to Google it. It's James. James Cash Penny.

Yeah, all very rich words. Do you know the practice of buying an item once and then returning it for a refund deliberately? So you buy it for a party, you wear it, you send it back pretending it didn't fit. It's called war drooping.

And all the companies refer to this. If you read it on their website, they'll be chatting to each other on the forums. Oh, wardrobe being such an issue in our industry. So stop wardrobe. It's so funny watching, because I'm in the queues, as I say. There needs to be a separate line. I'm behind the... Behind your wife. I'm behind my wife.

No, you're behind these extraordinarily hungover people who clearly have been partying all night and they're like, hi, it did fit. I need to return that. You're like, dude, you literally are still drunk and you're handing this back. Yeah, it's wild.

It does happen. They're not just with clothes, of course. You get refunds with all sorts of things these days. On delivery services, like food delivery services, you can sometimes get a refund if there's a problem with your meal. And these days, they're getting to a stage where they'll just often give you the refund without that much evidence. So there was a guy who got refunded his just eat order because he complained his ice cream was cold.

Oh. It's like, I'm going to want a refund. It puts in what's your reason. He just made it up, made up a reason, and they just gave him the refund. And then the retailer's the one who loses out. Sometimes it does hurt your teeth. Yeah. Yeah. It's too much. There was also an exchange on Twitter that I saw where there was a customer who said, hello, I ordered the dozen custom masks from you. However, you only sent me 12.

It was a baker though, wasn't it?

There was, I read a lady who tried to get a refund off a holiday that she went on to Spain. She went to this hotel and afterwards, she wrote a complaint saying, I want my money back. And they said, why? And she said, there were too many Spanish people in the hotel. And she was like, shouldn't they be on holiday somewhere else? What are they doing in my Spanish holiday? And they refused, obviously. So we assume she's very xenophobic, but it could be she's just objected to the logic of the fact that if you're going on holiday, surely it's not your own country.

I was looking at just sort of general returning gifts or refusing gifts. Oh, yeah. As a way of looking at this one. So, President Abraham Lincoln, he was offered some gifts in 1861 by the King of Siam, who said, I would like to send you some elephants. All you have to do, release them, they will multiply across America. If you give us a big ship and fill it with hay and water, we'll send loads of elephants across to you. And just let them loose and you'll have loads of, you know, within a century where it will be overrun with elephants and that'll be a really good thing. Right. For transportation purposes.

Well, there aren't elephants in America now, so did he just say no? He wrote back with the most diplomatic answer. It's a good standard for American presidents in terms of diplomacy. He wrote back saying, sadly, America does not reach a latitude so low as to favor the multiplication of the elephants.

But thank you so much anyway. And it was just a very subtle nice way. Everyone always sent a letter in advance warning you what the present was. They were going to get you to send the polite rejections. There was a guy in India who wanted a refund for a train ticket. He'd been overcharged for a train ticket by 20 rupees, which was 25 cents US cents. And after 100 hearings, eventually he got his 20 rupees back.

Apparently his family tried to convince him that it was all pointless in a waste of time and money, but he says it's not the money that matters. Wow. This is a fight for justice and a fight against corruption. That's the shit as Batman ever.

In fairness, the rail company was fined about 200 US dollars, which he got as well. So he got some money out of it. But that still didn't play for the massive divorce proceedings that followed 22 years of trying to get his 20 rupees back.

Customers complaining goes back a long way. It's so exciting. This is something that I think we've probably been aware of, but we've never mentioned on the podcast that there's a demand for a refund that is on a clay tablet from 1,750 BC. It's one of the oldest ones we have. It's Mesopotamia.

And it's so good because it's exactly like TripAdvisor complaint today. And it's a complaint to someone called Aya Naseer from a customer who's called Nani. And Nani has sent his servant to buy some copper ingots on his behalf. And he considered the ingot substandard.

And the complaint is just an explanation of how these ingots are very poor standard of ingots. But not only that, the servant was treated very poorly by the salesperson when he tried to buy them. He'd been dreadfully rude to them, so apparently the salesperson had said, well, if you want to take them, take them. If you don't want to take them, don't. And it was great. And then saying, you must restore my money to me in full, this isn't good enough. And that's 4,000 years ago. 4,000 years we've been winching.

It is time for us to move on to fact number three, and that is Andy. My fact is, there is a man in America who has tasted 500 kinds of banana and claims he has special banana eyes. He's called Gabriel Sactusmith. He lives in Hawaii, and he was recently profiled in the New York Times, which is how I found out about him. He is a banana fan. He's a banana farmer.

He's a big banana boy. He loves bananas, basically. And he hunts bananas around the world. He hunts the rare bananas. They're easy to catch, aren't they? They're slow-moving. But you've got to know what you're looking for. You've got to spot and see. I've never seen you before. And so he grows 150 different varieties on the farm. Oh, he hunts new varieties. I see, like, special, weird looking. Yeah, like rare ones that, you know, we've got one biggie, the Cavendish, that's the global banana these days. And he's looking for the rare, the deep

And a lot of them don't look like a banana. So some of them are egg-shaped, some of them are like, foot lot, like some of them. It's kind of like with potatoes as well. Like there were potato hunches that go out there and they go, this is a potato. It looks nothing like a potato. It's just, it doesn't look nothing. It doesn't look like a dinosaur. Yeah, no, but it does look like a tree, for example. Like it just doesn't look like what it is. And it's the same with this. So apparently this is what his brilliant skill is. Wherever he is, he can just say, banana and people go,

That's a post box, and they'll say, no. I'll tell you, that's my wife. It's a banana. That's what his banana eyes are, the eyes that can spot a new variety of banana. Yeah, he tracks them down. And he has people guiding him as well who might know special local cultivars of banana. So he's sort of one of the world experts on it. And it's really useful because he... scientists have a secret supply of support bananas, just in case.

Something happens to the Cavendish, which is our big variety. Is that like a banana you bring on an aeroplane if you're slightly emotionally vulnerable? He's sent 200 new bananas to a jean bank in Belgium, and their cryopreserved at minus 200 degrees. They're like Han Solo, just waiting to be thawed out in case of diet emergency. The Cavendish are just really tasty, right? And the other ones are just all rubbish, like little brown things.

Yeah, Cavendish would be bred to be very tasty, haven't they? Yeah. But they might be vulnerable to disease. I was trying to throw his working on reinforcing the Cavendish to make sure that that can last as the banana. So there's no imminent peril, I think. Yeah. I think I read there's 1,600 different varieties of banana in this vault that are like Austin Powers. They're sitting there waiting to wake up in a future that they won't understand and say cancelable things.

It is amazing, like the science that is going on. You think that bananas are just in the wild? No, we've got people protecting the banana at a huge scientific base. Yeah, a lot is going into it because it is a risk just because Cavendish are clones. So they may not have anything threatening them now, but as soon as the threat comes, they're all done. And yeah, I love banana heroes. We're really into it.

Do you know who eats the most bananas in the world? What nationality-wise or individual-wise? Yeah, the answer is monkeys. Oh, which country? Which country? I mean, I'll be honest, you're not going to guess this in a million years. Equatorial Guinea.

Is it per capita or overall? Oh, wouldn't it have been good? That would have been great. It was worth a try, wasn't it? I wasn't saying it with confidence. And this is per capita, yeah. Australia. No, Australia eats around one a week, one every five days, an average Australian would eat. OK. OK, and this is... Can you tell us how much these people eat before we find out who they are? Yep, 10 a day. Get out. Eat? It's just not true. It's so true. People... Oh, the Vatican. The Vatican is huge.

There's no energy there, they need the energy for the services. What is the Pope doing with those bananas? No, it's a normal sized country, but you're not going to guess it. But you went a million miles away with Equatorial Guinea. It's Uganda.

You can't reach 660 pounds of bananas each year, which is about 3,000 per year on average per person. But the reason is because Ugandan food is basically banana-based. So you have banana bread, you have banana. The most common banana dish, Matoke, is also the word for food in Uganda. You have Uganda beer, you have Uganda everything. You have banana beer. Banana beer. I think I've had one too many banana beers maybe.

It's almost a problem, isn't it? It makes up about 35% of the Ugandan diet. I think Uganda and Congo are the top two of these Matuké bananas, which are cooking bananas. So more like plantain, I guess. But it is a bit of an issue people get deficiency. So there's a lot of vitamin A deficiency problems because so much of their diet is based on banana that doesn't have enough. So they've now made a super banana, specifically for Uganda, which is a banana that has 30 times as much vitamin A

as the normal banana, and could solve a lot of their problems, which is very cool. But people don't want to eat it, they're suspicion, because it's a little bit orange. So, sellers are saying people are coming to us saying we just want the natural banana, this banana's gone orange, what's wrong with it?

Yeah. Well, it feels like you could just paint it. I think that might take away some of the nutritional value. Well, it's on to the skin. You take it off. You take the skin off. No, no, no, it's the flesh. The flesh is orange. Yeah, sorry. Do you want to hear about the Highland Giant banana? Yes, please. Is it a real or is it like a cryptid? It's real. Oh. It's the biggest banana on the planet.

I wish it was encrypted though, because I'd love that. I believe in that monster. I'll tell you about it and you decide if it's real or not. So it's called Musa Engans, it's the scientific name. It's the biggest non woody plant on the planet. Because it's not woody but not as a herb, they're not trees. But it's 45 feet tall. And because it's not wood, it gets knocked over by the wind very easily. So it only grows in very deep jungle canyons in Papua New Guinea. And the fruit are very big.

Wow, I bet the Pope fucking loves them. I didn't write down a measurement for the fruit. What was I thinking? I just thought I'd cover it at the end by saying, and they're very big. I've seen photos of them and they are massive. Because we've all seen big trees and it's a big banana still. They're this big.

Whoa! He's gone for almost the length of a human arm, I would say. The teenagers arm. Size of a chihuahua, I would say. Size of a very, like, overfed chihuahua. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're fat. Hey, one interesting thing about the fact that Bananas are herbs, right, is they don't have a trunk like normal tree would do. They have, they're not a woody stem.

And so when you see a banana tree, you'll see like at the top, the leaves are all kind of shredded, like it's been in a hurricane. But that's to help it if it's ever in a hurricane. Because when the wind blows it, because they don't have the wooden stems, the kind of they might blow over quite easily. And because they've got these kind of tattered leaves, it means that the wind can get right through them. It's really good. It's cool, isn't it? That's so good.

And Britain is another nation that loves bananas, currently and historically. So Britain, bananas and Jamaica have a very intertwined history. It was a huge export from Jamaica to Britain, around the turn of the 20th century. And in World War II, Britain had to suddenly requisition all of its, or a lot of its trade ships.

to be used in the military. So that included the ships that were bringing bananas from Jamaica to the UK. But that was going to screw Jamaica's economy. So basically Jamaica kept on churning out loads and loads of bananas for Britain, put them on a ship and then immediately just tipped them all into the ocean. What? The ocean was just full of bananas. If you went for a swim off the beaches of Jamaica in World War II, it was just bananas layering it. That's how the banana boat was invented.

That's what it is, yes, yeah. Honestly, that's amazing. It's so cool. And they were, of course, they were rationed in Brittany, where you couldn't get them in Britain because they weren't being imported. And there was this panic that Brits would have lost their taste for bananas because the whole generation grew up without and rationing famously went on in Britain until about 1950. So when the ban was lifted, the first shipment of bananas arrived into Liverpool, actually from Sierra Leone, they arrived and the bananas were overripe.

They didn't want to throw them away because, you know, that's a waste and what do you do with them? So they said, oh, they should have done a big loaf. Yeah. They didn't. They just got all the dot workers and they said, can you eat as many of these as you can? Oh, really? And they got through 37,000. They ate 12 bananas each. Call the Vatican.

We have a banana emergency. So the Ecuadorian banana is a little too big for Britain. So I read a really interesting interview. What does that mean? Well, I would read a great interview with the managing director of Fife's in the UK. They're a great big banana company. He's called John Hawkins. And he said, the Ecuadorian banana is a bit too big for the UK market. It's only a couple of centimetres that it's too big, but it's enough for the housewife to say it's more than a meal.

Whereas he says, I'm not trying to put any emphasis on any of this, but he says the German housefrau loves the length of an Ecuadorian nana. She needs to do after all those broken penises.

I'm going to have to move this on on the side guys. You don't want to hear about the shifting ratio between British banana and turn it with consumption. Screw this time frame we've set ourselves. Go Andy, go. I'm afraid of us. Fly by beauty. Listen, better be good. It's just that in the 1970s.

The average British adult, 84 grams of bananas each week and 40 grams of turnip. But now we'll study. That's just the setup. Now we eat 200 grams of banana each week and just 12 grams of turnip. So sad.

It is time for our final fact of the show, and that is James. Okay, my fact this week is that neo-toddlerism is the idea that you can change the world by acting like a three-year-old. Okay. And I must admit, I did come up with this fact before the recent events.

in America. What's happened? I've not seen the news. Don't worry about it, Dan. So this comes from an article by a blogger called Govinda Bogle. It seems like he came up with the idea. He writes about psychology and the modern world and stuff like that. And he came up with the idea that it's like, you know, you get people who are throwing super paintings or going to the Republican convention dressed as babies.

And they reckon basically you're trying to, you're having to do these stunts because of the world of TikTok and the world of social media, and you're just trying to get a reaction, just like a toddler would, you're just trying to get people to look at you, get people to see what you're doing, and that is the way to...

So it's about protest, basically. It's about protest, yeah. Not about people who are in charge acting like toddlers themselves. No, it's not so much that. It's the modern way of protesting in order. But the only way to defeat toddlers is by using other toddlers, right? So maybe it's the best way to protest. Is that how you do it like a war of toddlers? Yes. Fire is fire. The toddler is his toddlers. Whenever my child misbehaves, I bring in the village terror giant.

But yeah, it's all these different theories and I just like the idea of neotodlerism and I just like the idea of acting like a toddler You just want us all to do it. I just still not I just like having naps

Yeah. OK, no one's protested by just having a nap every afternoon for two hours yet, but they could. Yeah. He's very critical of it. And, you know, says that he uses some examples of protests that have been happening at the moment. You know, people in Justop oil, often through paint over paintings, ironically, to destroy them. And... Well, it's so often soup over paintings. It's often super over paintings. But they never throw a painting at a bowl of soup.

No, they're not trying to destroy soup, aren't they? Barn will be interested in that, as just a cool variation on the thing. The interesting thing that I really didn't know is they literally never even harm the paintings. There's one painting which they very mildly harmed, so I think it is quite interesting all the fuss about it. But the other thing that this guy's point is that it's very impulsive and over-emotional and not very thoughtful protest. But he uses an example, things like the release of worms and maggots into Netanyahu's hotel room at the Watergate,

And that takes a huge amount of forward planning. Yeah. I wouldn't be able to... Where are you sourcing a huge number of worms and maggots? I was trying to look for worms recently and it takes ages even to find worms. They're in the ground, Anna. Yeah. OK, but how much do you find enough to overwhelm a hotel room? I don't think you open the door and a wall of worms fell out on top of it.

There's a maximum happy number of worms in your hotel room, which is zero. So any advance on that is technically a good process, I think. Yeah, but it can't be just two, can it? He's not going to walk in and go, whoa! Yeah, well, as soon as he tries to cut them up to throw them away, he's got four worms. So actually, that is true.

The idea that they're not forward planning is not strictly true, so the very famous incident that happened in London not too long ago was Van Gogh's sunflowers, Anna Holland and Phoebe Plummer, they came in and they threw tomato soup at it.

But they went in and they staked the joint. They went a few days before and they brought in cans of tomato soup to see if that would make it past security. They went back to an Airbnb that they were staying in and they went into the showers in there and had to work out at what angle do you throw tin soup at an item?

So they went in and they tried all the different things that you could do. They had it all planned out to the point where there were journalists planted in there. So that's how much forward thinking was. They informed media who were waiting silently knowing that this was going to happen. But there was a bunch of kids who were sitting and doing their own little sketches of it.

So they had to wait ages for these kids to do these drawings and eventually they moved away and they threw the soup, it went on it, they glued their hands to the wall and then they got arrested right. Now they thought that they were going to get off because they thought there was a good point to it. They have been found guilty and they are serving time. And the thing that they got busted for is that the frame that was housing the Van Gogh painting was incredibly old, 1700s.

It was incredibly expensive, and the soup went on it, and the acid burnt away a bunch of the frames. Yeah, wow. And so that's... Well, how much time is it that they're putting in my Heinz Marto soup? It's all right. When I spill a little bit of soup, it doesn't burn through my table.

It's an excellent point. Do you know why just a pile use orange? So they often do orange paint and they're things. Shows up well? Shows up well, definitely. In fact, I will come to that. So they say it's a symbol of hope because it's a bright color, all this. But actually, orange has been used in environmental protests for quite a long time. And that is because green and orange are clashing colors.

So green and red are complementary colours. They're exactly opposite on the colour wheel. But if you just go one away from red, suddenly the colours really, really clash. And for ages and ages, it's always been used in green protests because it looks very artificial because it looks the opposite of green. And did you deliberately wear a green and orange shirt tonight that everyone's been having to look at for the last hour and a half already? And I'm done as well. Jesus Christ. You haven't seen Andy's underpants.

Thank God. I was looking at protests, what works, what doesn't. And there's this really interesting study that came out quite recently by a Harvard academic called Erika Chenoweth, who she, she found that nonviolent campaigns twice as likely to achieve their goals as violent campaigns, which is quite useful. And all these campaigns that are being referred to, then it's not violent unless you count kind of drenching something in a tasty liquid as violence.

And the really interesting revelation she had, and she looked at a lot of sort of successful protests, basically, where they've stated their aim and then their aim has been achieved, found that as soon as 3.5% of the population is actively involved in a movement, the success rate is 100%.

Wow. And she looks at... I think it was over... It was a couple of hundred, I think, protest. So in Australia, for instance, that's about a million people. If you have a cause, if you're really popular, you can rope in a million people, 100% chance it's going to work. It's the same number of people who will go on a cruise ship holiday this year in Australia. So if you've got all of them...

Tell them you're not returning to shore until you sign the petition, yeah. Some things that toddlers are good at. Yeah, yeah. Ten pin bowling. So the world's... In what capacity? Well... Are they? Probably the world's best ten pin bowler is an Aussie called Jason Belmontay from New South Wales. He's won 31 world titles and he bowls like a child.

Because when he was a toddler, that's when he learned he wasn't strong enough to lift up the bowl with one hand and roll it. So he used two hands and sort of rolled it that way. And he carried it on his whole life. And now he's the best in the world. Wow, get out. This is so plausible. The number of times I've been building, you know what I'm saying? And you go for like a really graceful, long, hard bowl. And it just tips one over. And you have the idiot who's never done it before who bumps it along when it's all down.

He's the only 30 time winner in PBA tour history. He does use those barriers. What?

I was so angry then. It's allowed. It's a little known rule of bowling. They're not allowed to turn you down. Can I tell you guys about my favourite protest that I've learned about? So we all probably remember back in the day when the Beatles were sort of at their height.

1966, John Lennon made some comments where he said that we are bigger than Christ, right? Yeah. And this angered so many people to the point that the Beatles were being boycotted by radio stations, people were burning their stuff, burning all their records and all of John Lennon's books. In particular, there was a radio station called Clue, and Clue organized a bomb fire. So it had a thousand people there. They all threw in their records. It all burned and so on. That's a famous story that happened.

This next bit is less famous. There is a theory that God agreed with John Lennon.

You're going to have to continue with that. Otherwise, you've just said nonsense. So what happened is they did the bonfire. They burned all this stuff. No, the next day, Clue's transmitter tower was struck by lightning. All the equipment was knocked out completely. And their news director, who's basically running the whole thing, got hit, got knocked out and rushed to hospital. And they didn't get back on for another day or so. So God was effectively going, love the Beatles.

It's a theory. It's a theory. That's Old Testament goddess. It's a proper old-school god. Jesus. I say it's a popular theory. I sort of invented it for the show. It's good. It's got legs, I think. I love it. Just another 999,999 people to convince.

Do you want to hear some toddler things sort of genuine toddlers? Yeah. I don't know if any of you are familiar with the Reddit of why my kid is crying, but it's unbelievably good. Oh, yeah. I just picked a few favorite examples. Because I wouldn't let her eat a snotty tissue. Both three-year-olds were inconsolable because they wanted to hold the bag of poo I was taking to the bin. And maybe my favorite, why is my kid crying? Because Daddy's fart was louder than hers.

It's a very vulnerable age. You've got to be careful. You've got to be careful, yeah. I find it very interesting, the sort of different levels at which toddlers develop and how it actually is basically even across the world. So the age at which kids walk is pretty much even maybe give or take a week or two weeks across the world, except in Tajikistan.

And yeah, it's so weird. And there's this amazing thing that every single Tajik parent does pretty much, which is that they have these things called Gavoras, which are cradles, but that their kids stay in all the time. So for the first six months of their life, their kids are in it literally for 23 hours a day. For the next six months, it's more like maybe 16 hours a day. And they're lying in a cradle and they're strapped down fully. So only their head moves.

and there's a hole cut in the bottom of the cradle and they've got a bare bottom and so any poo just falls out into a bucket underneath and there's a tube attached to them so that any we get siphoned into wherever it gets siphoned and this is how they live and this is what all Tajik mothers do almost 100% of Tajik mothers do this and they spend nine to 23 hours a day in it until they're three or four

So, understandably, they were a bit slower to crawl, so by the age of one, almost all infants in most cultures are crawling, only 60% of Tajik children do it. The good news is, the fascinating thing is that, by four, they've all caught up, so it doesn't really make a blind bit of difference these things when you're thinking, oh, my child's not talking or walking. But isn't that mad that kids are just strapped to a cradle with a poo hole in the bottom for three years, the first three years of their life?

That is crazy. Insane. I know. It's great. What a life. What a great life. That is a good life. I really thought Dan's John Lennon Christ God lightning thing was going to be the weirdest thing we heard during this.

We're gonna have to wrap up very soon guys. Can I give you a couple of old-fashioned words for children? Yeah. There's Squeaker, which was defined as a bar boy, also a bastard or any other child.

There's Tit, which was an old name for a prim young lass. You Tit. That's not how you speak to a prim young lass. It is, oh, I do. A bandling is just a child. Brabpling is a 16th-century child. Sucker is from 1384 for a child who's still nursing. Oh, yeah. Sucker. Oh, yeah, Sucker.

Chitty face is a little puny child. If you want to just keep that word, keep it going. Right. So there's handy for if your friends are new parents, you can throw those their way. Oh, what a lovely little chitty face. I found a thing which is a stubborn child law. And this was used in the General Court of Massachusetts in 1646. So this is the description of what you as a parent are allowed to do if you have a tantrum child.

shall his father and mother, being his natural parents, lay hold of him and bring him to the magistrates assembled in court to testify on them that their son is stubborn and rebellious and will not obey their voice and lives with notorious crimes, and such a son shall be put to death." Yeah, it's a real plot twist right at the end there. Is there no option of just having a word with them first?

Wow. Octopuses, throw tantrums. Add at once. Especially males when they don't get sex. Sorry, octopuses, you said. Octopuses. I must have misheard that as humans. OK.

All right, that is it, everyone. That is all of our facts. Thank you so much, Brisbane. That was awesome. It's amazing to be here. We will be back again, and we'll be back again next week with another episode. We'll see you then. Goodbye!