25. Love Languages That Scare People Away
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January 26, 2025
TLDR: This podcast episode discusses how experiencing feelings of being uncared for can impact one's understanding of love and loyalty, with a focus on the ten 'Love Languages'. It emphasizes the importance of understanding these languages to prevent self-destructive behaviors in an attempt to feel loved.

In Episode 25 of the podcast, titled "Love Languages That Scare People Away," host Leo discusses the lesser-known love languages that often stem from trauma and can negatively affect relationships. This engaging episode delves into ten unique love languages that reflect unhealthy coping mechanisms learned from experiences of neglect and hurt.
Understanding Love Languages for the Unloved
Leo introduces the concept of love languages specifically for those who have felt unloved or uncared for. Through personal anecdotes, he explores how trauma shapes our understanding of love and loyalty, leading individuals to engage in harmful behaviors to prove their affection.
Key Insights:
- Traumatic experiences can warp perceptions of love, leading to extreme measures to demonstrate loyalty.
- Such behaviors often involve self-sacrifice and may create toxic dynamics in relationships.
The Ten Love Languages Explored
1. Loyalty Through Hurt
One of the first love languages discussed is the extent to which individuals are willing to hurt others to prove loyalty. Leo explains that it's common to cut ties with friends for the sake of a loved one, often stemming from a desire to prove allegiance. This can lead to isolation and further emotional trauma.
2. Taking on Others’ Problems
This love language involves absorbing the burdens of others to shield them from pain. While intent on caring, it can lead to self-destruction and foster a sense of helplessness in those being “rescued.”
3. Going Down with Others
Leo recounts how he would sacrifice his own stability to avoid leaving someone behind during tough times. This pattern often leads to mutual destruction rather than support.
4. Brutal Forgiveness
A commitment to returning to a toxic relationship after experiencing harm serves as a misguided testament of love and endurance. This can reinforce unhealthy patterns of abuse and neglect.
5. Excessive Giving
Sacrificing personal needs to give excessively to others, even at detrimental costs, highlights the dangers of proving love through financial or emotional self-neglect.
6. Self-Abandonment
To gain approval, people may change their beliefs, interests, or even physical appearances, ultimately losing their identity in the process.
7. Protecting Abusers
This involves not defending oneself against harmful behavior and prioritizing the feelings of the abuser instead. This dynamic often leaves the victim further isolated and devalued.
8. Sabotaged Success
Holding oneself back from achieving goals to avoid success within the context of a relationship often develops from misplaced loyalty, exemplifying self-limiting beliefs.
9. Needing Nothing
The toxic belief that one must not express needs or issues to avoid burdening others can lead to emotional starvation, deepening feelings of isolation.
10. Ignoring Self-Care
A failure to care for one’s needs while constantly catering to others creates a cycle of imbalance that fosters resentment and unhappiness.
Practical Applications and Takeaways
Leo highlights the importance of awareness and conscious choice regarding these love languages. Recognizing these patterns can empower individuals to break the cycle of self-sabotage and engage in healthier relationship dynamics by:
- Prioritizing communication of needs and emotions.
- Setting boundaries to protect oneself against toxicity.
- Recognizing and reshaping unhealthy beliefs about love and loyalty.
Conclusion: Embracing Self-Love
The podcast episode ultimately emphasizes the significance of self-love and recognition of one’s worth in nurturing healthy relationships. It encourages listeners to challenge harmful patterns and redefine what love means to them, pushing back against the ideals set by traumatic experiences.
Through these discussions, Leo reminds us all that love should not come at the cost of our well-being; it's crucial to learn how to balance care for others while also nurturing ourselves.
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These are the love languages nobody talks about. Everybody knows the classic ones, like the top five love languages, words of affirmation, quality time, doing excess service, doing favors. Cute, right? That's fun. This episode is for my people who have been through some things and who have a very warped perception and association in their brain with love and what you will do to prove that you love somebody.
Hi, friends. This week, we're going into the love languages, Leo style. I'm going to tell you a few that I've experienced and that have destroyed me because you know, after you've been through some stuff, things get a little warped and a little weird and you might be doing things that you think is showing that you care about somebody. You're like, Oh, they're going to be so happy. They're going to feel like flattered because I did this and they're like, you're crazy.
and they like make you the bad guy for it, everything's about to make a lot more sense. So the title being love languages for the unloved, that's exactly what it is. If you've ever felt uncared about, you get a very weird connection happen in your brain where you love people in a way where you will do anything, including sacrifice and hurt yourself to make sure they never feel uncared about for two seconds.
You want to make sure they never feel how you felt. So when I say love languages for the unloved, this is all the manipulative and weird, toxic ways that you learn to show love after you've been traumatized. It's going to make sense to some. It's not going to make sense to a lot. All of the 10 that I'm about to go through are from personal experience. Here we go. Number one.
how much you will hurt other people to prove your loyalty to somebody. And this can go for friendships, relationships, family dynamics, your parents, your siblings. This can go with any kind of dynamic. It's just a way of showing love with all of these really. But with the amount that you're willing to hurt other people, it kind of takes three different forms. So cutting people off,
to prove your love to somebody else is a big thing to show your allegiance. So you know, when somebody's mad at somebody, I'm mad at them too. If I love you and I care about you, if I'm friends with you and you mad at somebody, fuck them. That's the whole thing of like, you're proving that you're on their side of the fence and that you have their back. It's like a allegiance, like I said, you're proving your loyalty. But also with cutting people off for somebody that you love, it has to be done quickly without hesitation.
Because if you hesitate, the person you love will most likely be like, oh, you hesitate. It's a whole thing of like weirdly proving to people who have this same warped mentality around it that you value your connection with them over all else. And that's the only confirmation that will ever make them feel safe and secure with you. The other side it comes down to is protection. So how vicious you are willing to be against someone who is hurting the person that you care about.
The level of destruction and damage you will cause to someone and other people. I've been through this plenty of times. I'm very big with friendships or relationships, anything. I pick sides. I don't like no fence hopper. I don't like people who go back and forth. I like picking stick. You got my back. You got my side. Great. This can go into a real toxic dynamic, but I'm the type to delusionally defend you in public.
But I'll correct you in private. So if you look stupid in public, we both going to look stupid. I got you back no matter what. You're not going up against anything by yourself, but I will correct you in private. But it used to be a dynamic in my head where it was a blind defense and protection toward the person that I cared about. But this one gets real tricky and real nasty when you're in a relationship or something because trying to prove your loyalty to somebody by being willing to cut off anyone that they have a problem with isolates you to that person.
So you're rejecting and cutting off all other forms of love and avenues of it. And some people will take advantage of that. So if you've been in a toxic relationship where they isolate you, that's intentional. They don't want any kind of threat to your connection with them. They want it you and them. I kind of like it.
here and there to some extent. Like I said, pick sides, but this can get really, really bad and be used against you to harm you and get into a place where you're more vulnerable. So really watch out for that. The other dynamic with the amount that you're willing to hurt other people to prove your loyalty and love. If you put me in a position where you say, okay, there's a burning building, you can save your sister or you can save 10,000 random people you don't know.
on picking my sister.
Like I said, the allegiance and pledging it to that. It might sound crazy. It might sound nuts. Some people are going to get it, but I'm also Albanian. So like the loyalty is rooted so deep. It's unshakeable. And myself concept could not handle knowing that I saved a bunch of people over my sister. I wouldn't do it. Typically the analogy when people give this example is like, Oh, 100 strangers versus one. Kick it up a notch to 10,000. Kick it up to 100,000. I'm not doing it.
I hope I'm never in that situation because a lot of people going to have to go. But like that whole thing of proving your love and your loyalty, some people would say I'm crazy and selfish and I'm lost my mind. I'm a horrible person. I can accept that. So be it, but I'm always going to choose my sister. So that's love language number one.
Who and how many people am I willing to hurt to show that I love you? Very covert way of showing that I love you so bad. I will be honored. Somebody did that for me. I would tell them, no, go save everybody else. I'll go jump out the window. I'll go die. You go save everybody. But even if my sister said that, I'm not doing it. So if it was me in that situation, I wouldn't let them save me. But with people that I love, I'm saving them. Okay. So love language number two.
It's transferring people's problems onto yourself as a way of showing that you love them. You want to save them from problems. You take on pain and you take on their shit so they don't have to handle it. They don't have to deal with it. There are times I have prayed when I didn't even believe in a God. Now I do, but even when I didn't believe I had prayed for
for certain things that were happening to my family to happen to me instead of them, because I didn't want them to have to deal with it. Like things that were out of everybody's control, whether it's health shit, life things going wrong, I prayed for it to happen to me. My dad is the exact same way. Anytime something bad happens to anyone in my family or anyone I care about,
That's a very tricky dynamic because it can go into self destruction big time where you save people from their problems and you orient your entire life to fixing it. But the other added layer of showing you care even more is when your life is in chaos and when you are desperate for help and you're going through a bunch of shit, you have no bandwidth and you drop everything to go be there for the other person.
That is a very big ultimate form of like satisfaction to show love to them. It's like how much can I suffer and how much can I take on to take things off of you? That's a weird association with showing love that is not a healthy one and you teach them learned helplessness and you save them and kind of prevent them from getting the skills to handle shit on their own. If you're always just there to save them,
It's a lifelong thing. So if you don't know why you constantly do that and try and save people and help people and you get irritated, like, God damn, can everybody just stop going through things or needing things? Because I'm tired of my life being revolved around them. Like I keep getting pulled out of my routine and all this and that. That's what's really going on. You're trying to prove your love and your biggest fear, like I said, is for someone to not feel cared about. I get it. I'd be right here in the same boat with you. We paddling along like, what the fuck?
But with all of these love languages I'm talking about, unfortunately, there is no way to cure them or heal them or undo them. Once you're aware of certain things and certain things are kind of set up in your brain, the reason I'm talking about them is to make you aware of what's really going on. So you're not just blindly throwing away yourself to help everybody else all the time. So when you're facing something,
where you're about to do that, you're aware of what's going on, so you can choose to do something different if you want. It's not just a blind running into everything, destroying yourself, everybody else. There are times that you will choose to do it when it's necessary, but I'm giving you your ability to choose back, and don't beat yourself up for showing love in the ways that you've learned if you feel like you want to. If you're aware of it, you choose it consciously,
That's what you chose and no one's going to fault you for it. Like with me and my sister in the burning building, I'm going to choose it and I'm going to feel bad, but not as bad as I would if I chose all the other people. Okay. Love language number three. This one's gotten me in a lot of trouble is proving my love by going down with you. If something bad happens to somebody and they lose their job or career or whatever it is,
My whole thing used to be, I'm throwing away mine too, to jump and help, to not leave you alone. It's like a sense of abandonment when somebody loses something or they're like going down. I used to not be able to recognize, hey, I could help you. My immediate thought was always blow up everything I'm doing, sacrifice everything, and I'm gonna jump down and be going down with you so you're not going down alone. But going down with somebody,
is not usually like the best case scenario because if they go down, if you don't sabotage everything to go down with them, you could help them more. But I get that urge and I get that understanding of like, you think you're just in a spiral and you think that you're jumping to protect them, but you're killing yourself to do that. So that was a big thing for me to wake up to was like, just because somebody goes down, don't mean you got to go with them. You need to stay stable to help them get back up.
And it happened so many times where I would go down with other people so they didn't go alone. And when it came time when I went down, I went down on my own. Be very careful. When you do that, there are certain times it's okay. Like if there's a fight, it's like if I'm out somewhere with one of my friends and a hundred people are trying to jump my friend.
I'm gonna stand there and I'm gonna fight with you till I die. We're gonna go out swinging. That's a situation we're going down to get it. But other situations, you got to pick and choose. Like I said, so you're aware of it now. Choose different. If you don't know why you just keep self sabotaging and you keep going down.
It might be to be proving that you love somebody and don't be yourself up. That's a big thing. What I want to talk about with all this is like all these things that you've done to destroy yourself have been to love and make sure other people are protected from feeling the way that you've felt, which is not cared about.
You didn't hurt yourself on purpose. So don't beat yourself up and go into the shame game about it. I've done that too. I've done the whole self hatred thing. Save it. Not the time. Never going to be useful. Love language number four is how bad you can be brutalized and still go back as a way of showing how much I love you. You hurt me this bad. You've done this much to me.
and I'm going to prove that I love you by swallowing it and getting over it. No matter how bad you destroyed me and I'm going to go back to you as my ultimate pledge of how much I love you. Some people can only see love and feel loved like that. So if you're in a relationship as toxic as hell when they do you wrong is typically when they need reassurance if they betray you if they
Break something you love, wreck your car, sabotage something, beat you. They are going to do something to cause you pain, to see how much you will take on and then choose to overcome it, to show that you love them. It's the ultimate reassurance from both sides. But what it does to the person who has this love language of like, no matter what, I'm going to keep going back. Like you get that weird
feeling of relief of like you're devastated and fucked up by what happened, but to go back feels like a sense of relief because it's like, okay, maybe this time you've done me this bad. You've hurt me this bad and you see it. When I pledge back to you how much I love you, maybe then you'll see how much I care about you and you'll care about me. You think it's a way of earning that love and it's not.
People with this dynamic setup of getting their reassurance and their validation that you love them by how much they will do to you and brutalize you. And then you'll get back with them. It will never stop. That is how they feel loved. So there's going to have to be a constant and consistent stream of things happening to you from them that you have to get over. And it's going to get more and more severe and more and more extreme.
So do not get caught
When you want to leave, but you don't, it's like I've already invested this much. And to leave is showing I don't care about you. And they're going to play that and manipulate the hell out of you. So wake up to this, please, because it will get to a point where trying to earn their love will kill you. Don't go that far. Nasty little love language number five is giving past the point that it hurts you. So an example is giving people money.
If somebody's late on their rent or something and you don't have the money to give and it's going to put you in a bad spot where you can't pay your rent, but you give it to them anyway. That's another example of the one I talked about where you're transferring the problem onto yourself, but giving past the point of damaging yourself
is a way of proving love also. And it's also going to be a test that people will play you like this mentally like, oh, you don't love me. You don't care about me. Most people who have this relationship to love and feeling loved are not going to see anything that you're dealing with. They're going to expect you to tolerate it.
They're gonna expect you to give them your rent money so they can pay their rent and you gotta figure it out. This is another situation where it will feel like relief to relieve them of that problem and then take it on for yourself because you're proving that love. Look, I love you so bad. Look, now I'm struggling, now I'm stressed out, now I'm the one freaking out, now I'm the one facing all these consequences, but I saved you from it. So I feel better. That's what the relief is.
It's a sense of maintaining a connection and you will harm yourself and give past the point that you're able to to maintain that connection. And this is really, really hard when you have a big heart. I've fallen into this so many times and I still deal with it because the more money that I've made, the more I've helped and
It does get to a point where you have to set your foot down and be like, I cannot continue hurting myself to help other people. The past month.
I had to check myself because I made a sub stack and I've been having to blast on it. It's where I go live and post all the things that I can't post online because it's uncensored. But I make money off of that. And the money that I make off of that this month, like a dumbass without realizing it, I've spent donating to people's GoFundMe's helping people pay their rent, buying people's wish lists,
I got so caught up in this dynamic trying to help people and show that I care about you guys who follow me and support me. I had to get to a point where I'm like, no, I know I want to help. I got to help myself and my family first. And it sucks. And it's hard. And I see people's stories and I see what they're talking about and what they're going through. And I want to help.
But there are other ways you can help that are not just by giving money to people or buying them shit. And that's a hard one to wrap your mind around. And like I said, all these love languages, you can't get rid of them. I still deal with them too. And this one wrecked me grow out like a dumbass. Now I'm waking up and I'm like, a lot of people see that I have a big heart and I give and I help. And a lot of people take advantage.
Unfortunately, with a kind heart, you have to have a very strong protector side of yourself to hold on to it, to save a little bit of your heart for yourself, because you will give past your limits when you're conditioned like this to prove your love by saving people and helping people. Because I'm like, okay, if I give this person 500 bucks,
Okay. I feel like I did something. I feel like I helped. I feel relief. And then when five, 10 more people ask for it and need it, I can't be 500 bucking to everybody. And the really, really sad thing is nobody's going to stop you.
When you got a kind heart, you will be sucked fucking dry. Life has taught me this too many times. Unfortunately, I needed a nice refresher of this and I got it and I had this set new limits of like how much I can give with helping people. It really pisses me off when people manipulate
and pretend like they need something. They just need advice or they want like help. And then they come in with asking for money later. That manipulation shit makes me so angry. And then you get put in that position of like, you care so much, but then you see your heart being taken advantage of and then you lash out and you're fucking mean to protect it. I'm holding back that and I'm just a new boundaries with it. But
I don't care how much you give to somebody. If they're a taker, they're going to take and they will suck you fucking dry and walk off. They're not going to care about you. There's not going to be no loyalty given back. There's not going to be no love and return from me to you. Save yourself. Do not give past
the point of destroying yourself
This one's an emotionally charged one because I'm going through it real recently. Be careful. Love language number six is the one that makes you feel lost after you lose somebody or go through a breakup. And this one is destroying anything in yourself that you have to to find approval for somebody to prove that you love them. So.
throwing away your beliefs and your thoughts and your opinions because you do not want to make them feel rejected, finding away and attacking yourself to find some way to accept something about them that you normally wouldn't is what damages you. Making sure other people don't feel rejected is not your fucking responsibility. Some people should feel rejected. So don't get caught in that cycle. I've been caught in too many times of trying to find approval.
when it's not always fucking deserved. You're allowed to agree to disagree and you don't have to blindly approve of and accept everything someone does says or is. In 2025, people are whacked out of their fucking mind. They're crazy. And we're now seeing a whole dynamic of acceptance and approval and I'm advocating when it's really just how far out of touch with reality, can I get other people to bend?
to show that they love me.
not loving somebody to have a boundary. So don't turn that knife in yourself to try and carve out the piece of you that doesn't approve of it so that they can feel accepted. What that does is make you completely lost as a person when you lose the person that you're dating or your friends with or a certain family member. When you lose them, that is when
You feel so lost and confused. Who am I? What do I think? I don't know. And then you've seen people. We all got friends who adapt to the person who they date. They become them. They become their lifestyle. They become their outlook on life. They become their political views. They become their morals and values. They become their style, their physical look and all that shit.
That is the type people who have abandoned so much of themselves to make sure other people feel approved of, no matter what. Don't get caught in that. That's not proven your love. That's just destroying yourself. And if you have to destroy part of yourself to show that you love somebody, you ain't meant to love that person. That's incompatibility. You need to get the fuck on somewhere. Also, they're never going to be able to love you. Because half of you ain't there. Half of you, you hit it.
How's that part of you ever gonna feel loved? You're never gonna feel loved in that relationship or in that friendship. And it'll rot you. And that's another thing of like the pain that you feel when you do it, when you disconnect from part of yourself, that pain that you live with every single day, you're gonna be thinking, oh, I feel this pain and I'm gonna choose it and I'm gonna feel it because I'm showing how much I love them. When they do something to hurt you or when they do something that makes you think they don't care about you, that is when you're going to lash out and you're gonna defend that pain and you're gonna attack them.
And you're going to feel more unloved and more uncared about. So for you to do everything you have to do to make them feel cared about is going to make you never feel cared about. And it's just going to keep being triggered over and over again. Because what you have to care about is the party you're trying to get rid of. If you want to talk a lot of attraction, boo. Number seven.
is changing your physical appearance or your interests to show that you love somebody. I kind of hit it in the last one, but fully changing the way that you look for somebody else to try and be what they want and what you think that they would like and love. That's you trying to gain their love.
And you at the same time are proving your love because of how much you're morphing yourself into what they want. If you're not what somebody wants, you're never going to be. It don't matter how you look. It don't matter what you change. It doesn't matter what you pretend to think. That's not you.
It's never gonna work. I've only worn black since I'm like 16, 15, 14, I don't know. That's my thing. I don't like wearing colors. I'll wear a leopard here and there, but black and gold is my thing. Nobody will ever make me like silver or white gold. I don't give a damn, it's white gold. It looks like fucking silver. I'm not wearing it. Gold's always been my thing. I don't care. There's no exceptions to be made. And that's something I'm gonna defend to like that. It's me. I'm holding on to that little part of myself. Wearing black and gold, that's it.
But I've been in situations where other people love me in a certain color. And so I've tried to wear it and they kind of like forced me into wearing it and like made fun of me for only wearing black, you have no style, you have no this, you have no that. I always dress better than most of the motherfuckers always talking about it. But I've been that before and tried to wear colors.
No, because when things ended, I was then back at a point of like questioning my style. And then I went and wasted a bunch of money on colored shit because I thought that's what I like. Maybe, maybe I should just try more. Like, maybe that is how other people are going to love me because when I wore color before, I felt a sense of being pulled toward them. I felt a sense of connection when I wore color.
with that person who was never supposed to be for me. So after it was over, continuing to wear a color, I was chasing that feeling of being pulled closer to people.
It didn't work. I felt uncomfortable in myself. I felt pushed away from myself, felt uncomfortable, weird. And other people can feel that, that people can feel when you're not being yourself. So it felt like a sense of connection and like getting love. And when I tried to keep doing it, when it wasn't authentic, it didn't work. It had the opposite effect. So I got to a point, I was like,
I don't like none of this shit, and I sold everything, got rid of all of it, burnt some of it, because fuck you. But then I went back to buying only black and happiest could be. But aside from the physical appearance thing, interests and certain things that you like, cars, I have a very specific criteria of cars that I like.
but also with hobbies and shit that you like to do. Going to the gym, shooting guns, a big thing with me, I love a weapon. I love a firearm, I love a knife. I always have a knife on me. I always have a gun on me. And I like to go shoot them in practice. And there's people who have been scared of them and have made me feel guilty or bad about it. But it's funny when it flips when you're scared, you're like, oh Leo, where's your gun?
Funny when it flips, but don't sacrifice what you truly like and what you enjoy for other people. It ain't showing that you love them. It's bullshit. And you're neglecting yourself to what? Be closer to them? Neglecting yourself is never going to ever, ever make you feel closer to somebody else for long. It will rot you, like I said before. It's going to rot you slowly, but surely you will shrivel away into nothing.
You'll turn from a piece of shit to a little fart. You was ceased to exist. You won't, but your identity will. And you'll feel lost again like I talked about. So remember these things. That's not showing that you love them. Keep what you like for yourself, because the people who like that shit also
He's going to be cool with it. And also you might introduce people to it. Like certain friends of mine never shot a gun. I took up to the gun range. They loved it. Cause they felt safe with somebody who knew how to teach them and look after them and make sure everything was fine. So you couldn't introduce people into new things, but you over here just hiding it off the bat because you're scared they might not like it. Why are you doing that? Might be fun. Cause now all my friends that I took the gun range, they all got guns. They all be having fun and they feel more safe. So what would you look at that?
Oh, number eight is not protecting yourself against them. And you think that is showing that you love them. So when someone's doing something to you, they fucking you up, they hurting you, whatever, not protecting yourself and hurting them to stop them from hurting you is a fucked up way of trying to prove that you care about them. No matter what you're doing, I'm still not going to hurt you because I love you so much. But then it goes a step deeper where
Right after what's happened, they feel guilty. You immediately jump to comfort them for what they just did to you because they're upset that they did it. Your immediate thing is, I need to comfort them. They're so upset. How do I make them feel better about beating a fuck out of me or crashing my car or cheating on me? How do I make them feel better? That's me showing that I love them.
I think it's very clear how fucked up that is, but I've fallen into it. And I'm sure a lot of people have. And if you're listening to me and you've fallen into that, it ain't your fault. And you've been taught to avoid the pain that you're in and just swallow it and take it. The more pain you take on and ignore
is showing that you love them. And also the whole thing of bypassing it to comfort them is showing that you love them. Don't do that ever. And this ties into the other one I talked about with how much I'll take on two people can be hurt at once. And that's another thing where this dynamic can go is a lot of people will have a thing of like, I'm more hurt. So your hurt doesn't matter.
Two people can be hurt at once. If you do something to hurt me and you feel bad about it, we're both hurt. Me being hurt doesn't discount and invalidate and discard you. The same as you being hurt doesn't discard and invalidate me. But one does take priority. And who needs the comfort is the motherfucker who was damaged, not the one who did the damage. So don't get that twisted. Oh, that gets real bad. Damn.
Yeah, don't do it. Traumatized love language number nine is holding yourself back from success or holding yourself back from your potential so that you don't hurt them. Limiting yourself is safe because doing good or doing better than them is seen as you don't love them in certain dynamics. So if you got that tied up in your head to the wolves, it could go tossed at shit.
But the dynamic there is abandonment. So if you hit your potential or you gain success and they don't, but they want it is a sense of abandonment of you left them where they are. That's not loving to do to somebody. So it's going to feel safe to limit yourself. It's going to feel safe to blind yourself to your value and your skills and your capabilities. So you're going to feel relieved.
to stay in a shitter with them when you're not meant to. It's not the relief as a sign of this is the right thing to do. I'm not that valuable. I can't get out of this. That's not the relief, but your brain will make you think that is where you're supposed to go. It's going to feel like the
feeling because every time you try and get up and go do something, a lot of people have self sabotaged when it comes to success. People say, well, I have a fear of success. No, you have a loyalty you're trying to prove by limiting yourself. Don't get caught in that fucking trap. A perspective that will help you feel better about this if you deal with it is by you achieving something and hitting your potential.
It shows them a way to do it for themselves. You have a way to help them. The more you make yourself useful and lean into your potential and everything you can do and gaining success, the more you can help them do it. So the whole thing of like, oh, I'm scared. They're going to feel like I don't care about them. That's not the dynamic.
And if you have it set up like that with somebody, that might be what's blocking you. If you are up against the wall where you're like, I cannot no matter how hard I try, become successful. I can't do shit. I can't feel good about myself. It's because that's a block. That connection you have with that person might be the block literally or energetically that you have to learn how to sever the tie of so you can be lifted out.
You're going to stay stuck as long as you prioritize that connection and prioritize that mindset and have that whole outlook. So I know what that feeling is like of seeing what you can do, trying it, doing everything right and it not working.
Part of you is resisting it. Part of you don't want it to happen because you risk losing that connection. So when I talk about successful people are perfectly okay with losing people, it's something you got to learn and you do get better at it as you go. It's always going to hurt. It's always going to hurt to lose people. But sometimes certain connections, family, friends, relationships are that rope tied to your ankle with a brick when you're sitting there in the ocean. It is what's drowning you.
So severing that sucks ass, but limiting yourself to prove that you love them, it's not real. It's in your head and it feels very real. But I hope by talking about this, it makes you feel a little bit better of like, okay, I'm not crazy. I'm not being opposed. Self sabotage isn't something that I'm just powerless to. There's a need being met and there's a sense of safety you have to let go of to go up. Are you willing to do it? It's the question.
Are you willing to let someone feel uncaring about so that you can care about yourself? A smaller way this happens, though, is with doing anything for yourself that they can't afford to do or wouldn't want to do. If you want to do certain shit, but you're scared because they can't do it also, you will have experiences happen where if it's just the money thing, like, okay, I want to buy myself this certain bag or this certain piece of jewelry or I want to buy myself this trip.
If going on that trip is going to sever that connection and make them mad at you, you will have experiences happen that keep costing you money so you can't do it. And you're going to be like, Oh my God, I'm just trapped. I'm stuck with the hell. I can't go do this thing because things just keep coming up, but you don't see the benefit of why those things keep coming up. They're coming up to keep you safe.
So, like I said, just becoming aware of this is the main way to help you out of it. And doing for yourself is not taking from other people. Love language number 10 is how you get smacked in the face with a narcissist. It's the exact thing that will bond you to a narcissist because love language number 10 is needing nothing.
And that also means never having an inward turn. So you never express or talk about your problems, your issues, what's going on with you, how you feel is never talked about because putting that on them is harmful in this dynamic. It's loving and you're proving that you care, air, quote, by never having an inward turn. It's always outward. Your focus is always on them. Your focus is always, what do they need? How can I help them?
Never bothering them with my issues with my problems because I'm showing that I love you. That leaves you.
Dealing with them, helping them with all their stuff, and then going home in private behind closed doors, leaving yourself to fend for all your shit alone. You got to deal with everything by yourself. That is destroying you. And it's also going to leave you feeling even less cared about. You're using all this shit you got to make sure someone else feels cared about. You ain't got nothing left for you. They're never going to know and be able to care about you or make you feel cared about because you've not given them anything.
to help you with or to comfort or to be there for you. They have no way of showing you that they care. You're going to feel empty. You're going to feel not cared about at all. And it's not your fault, but you did contribute to it. If you don't communicate and you just deal with all your shit in private. So whatever justification you want to use of, I'm protecting them and I'm showing that I care by not putting anything on them of my own. They're unaware of your perspective. They don't know.
What's going on with you? They don't care. They don't think about it. An narcissist is all about them. They have the inward turn and they need someone in their life who has the external turn. It's all about them and their life. For you to have any kind of inward turn toward yourself, what you're dealing with, what's going on, for you to have any issue, any feeling, any, anything is an inconvenience and it's an attack. And that's how you get kind of set up with you're annoying. You're always the problem. See, you don't love me. It's always what you got going on.
Thank you.
It's a very bad dynamic, but that's kind of like a codependent behavior of protecting you from everything that I've got going on. And that's exactly what a narcissist needs. They would love when you shut the fuck up and make it all about them. So that's a dynamic you will get sucked into without realizing and it will continue. It's never going to switch. It's never going to change. And the more that you talk about yourself and the more things that you pull into view that you don't deal with in private, you're a problem. You're an inconvenience. You're an asshole. You don't love me. You don't care about me.
That's how it's going to go. And do not turn against yourself for needing things. You might be looking at it like, if I could just stop needing shit, I could finally be loved. It's not your fault that you need things. It's not your fault that you have emotions and feelings. Everybody does. Everyone needs things. Everybody needs comfort. Everybody needs connection. And you needing things is not what is withholding you from the connection.
Being with someone who's incapable of meeting a need for you is what's keeping you away from connection because you having needs and other people meeting them is when you feel connected. You do for me, I do for you. It's an equal exchange. That is real connection. Connection is not, I have no needs, I have no issues. My life was just revolved around you. That's not connection. So if you've been taught that, sorry, bursty bubble, it's not true, not true at all.
Real connection is made by everybody having needs and everybody catering to everybody. It's not self-sacrifice. It's not, oh, you shut up and deal with your shit in private. So I hope that makes you feel a little bit better and do not turn against yourself and stick that knife in you and try and like rip yourself apart so you can just stop needing things and stop being upset by things. The problem is not that you're upset. Keep that in the back of your head.
I want to reiterate this one more time before I end this episode. There's no way to fix it that I've found. Like I said, I've talked to countless therapists and counselors and I've done my own work and reading and studying all kind of shit to try and figure this out and change it and flip it. Once you have these dynamics set up and the awareness of these means of showing love, even if they're toxic, you can't get rid of them.
all.
That's the thing. You can choose different or you can choose to do it. There's going to be situations where you do it both ways, but I hope that makes you feel a little less crazy. And there's not anything wrong with you. You've just been traumatized by life and taught really fucked up and warped dynamics with love, feeling loved and how to love people. So it's not your fault. What's happened to you? And don't fucking apologize for it.
This is your responsibility though to learn from it and become aware and choose different. So that's why I wanted to make this. I hope this helped. If you made it this far in the episode, I always tell people to comment a certain emoji. This week, I want you to comment the number of the love languages that hit you the most, which one gags you the most?
I'd like to know who makes it this far and listens to me and hangs out with me to the end. Also, if you're listening to the audio version of this on Apple Podcast and Spotify, hit the download button and leave me a five star rating if you're feeling inclined. Show me you love me so bad. That's the healthy way you could show me. That's the new love language. Do me a download and do me a five stars. If you're watching this on YouTube, hey, Fran, I can see you. If you like this video, leave it a thumbs up and hit subscribe if you're new. Welcome to the family.
We look crazy over here, but like the good kind, not the annoying, weird kind. We're not going to chop you up and put you in a freezer. We're just going to show you that we love you so bad in really weird ways. As always, I will leave all of my social media in the description, also my sub stack link if you want to subscribe and come into the little family over there. It gets hectic, but we have a blast. We have fun. I'm also going to link my merch in the description if you want to get something. There's not going to be any further restocks.
coming in for the fuck forgiveness collection just to give you heads up. So if you want it, order it. Some things are on back order, but once these orders are in, it's done. So get it while you can. That is all I've got for this week's episode. Hope you liked it. Everybody, be safe. Take care of yourself and I'll talk to you guys next Sunday.
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