Hello, Bill. Great to be here in the man cave. This is the professional extension of the man cave. This part is where real work is done. This is the only part in the building. It's worth it just to see it. No, really. I thought I did not expect this. But as I was just telling you off the air, I invited myself on this show.
Yes. I... Well, you requested and I did. I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said, I said
What season are you guys coming into? Oh, fuck. I don't know. Seasons, it's hard to... I could just come up by years. We started on HBO in 2003, but then we used to do... For the first few years, they had us do two seasons. They took them a while to get the idea that this is not like the Sopranos or any other show.
This kind of show is a habit show. It has to be on most of the year. We used to do a season from February to like May and then we'd be off for four months and come back for a few months in the fall. That's not the way you can do it when you're following events, a live show. So finally somewhere in there.
They just, okay, so then it was one long season as opposed to two. So I guess they counted the early years as two. We've been on HBO since 2003, but of course I started, you were on the old show, Politically Incorrect. Somebody sent me a clip of that. Wow. I couldn't even bear to watch it just from the way we looked.
It was too sad. Time is cruel. Actually, we look better now just because we look dooshier. Younger, of course. I mean, that's the trade-off in the life is that you're dooshier when you're younger, but you do look more pristine, shall we say. Less beaten down by time. Yeah, but that started in 93.
So I've already passed my, we did a 25th anniversary show about a year and a half ago. Yeah, and for all of 18 it aired. I couldn't believe that. Do you know they're trying to bring back political incorrect? Who is they? Whoever the fuck they are, they came to me. That's so funny, because I suggested that a while ago, with me hosting it of course, but with somebody else hosting it,
I'll have to ask my manager about that. I thought we...
I guess we sold it. I think that's true. When we moved to ABC, it must be ABC. When we moved to ABC, I think we probably sold them the rights to the show, which was probably stupid, but at the time it made sense. Well, good luck with it. I'm not doing it. It was one of those questions. My manager calls me up and says, you're not going to want to do this, but I'm obligated to tell you. Why wouldn't you want to do it? Just doesn't seem like something I'd want to do. No, I'm insulted.
No, I would never want to take over your show. I know exactly. And then you got it stripped away for saying something. The whole thing was like, once someone does a show, leave it alone, you know? Right. Leave it to a moment. Yeah. If you left and they started doing real time with Adam Corolla, right, you know, which is exactly what they will be doing. Just come up with a new fucking show, you know, right?
Do you feel constrained by the time, by the hour format? Sometimes I was on with Howard Stern recently, and I was saying that to him, and I feel the same sometimes when I watch her listen to you. It's funny. I don't get America. People's attention span is either seven seconds or three hours.
Yeah. There's no in between. Well, there's a lot of us. That's what it is. A lot of people. Yeah, they're playing to the people, the shortest attention span. You see, this is all they have. This is all that's there. That's not true. But it takes a big risk to play to three hours. I mean, there are virtues and vices to both of them. I mean, I do like
being forced to condense. And for people, I always think of the person watching my show as the person who is interested in current events, but doesn't have the time to follow it during the week. They've got kids and jobs and lives. They are going to watch me to catch them up.
And it's my job to obviously entertain them, but also to point out what's important. What happened this week that you should know about? Somewhere in that live hour, whether it's in the monologue or in new rules or the editorial I do at the end or in the panel, somewhere I want to cover everything I think you should do. Doesn't necessarily mean it's the things that the newspaper or other outlets thought was important.
what I think is really important. That's what I'm going to cover. So there is something to be said for condensing. There's also a lot to be said for letting it breathe. I mean, letting it breathe, I do miss that sometimes. I wish I could and very often we're in the middle of a discussion and I have to move on.
But I feel like with way things are going now with streaming, like I know HBO has their new streaming service. Maybe they could just give you an option to let some of those conversations lengthen out. It just seems like some of them, you're just getting started and you have to cut them off. You're right. And again, sometimes people just want the headlines. Very often I'm reading something and it's too long. I just think
You should have given me the New York Times starts every article. Just tell me what happened. Don't give me the background and on a rocky road in Afghanistan, his friend, Liba, what's one said. Just get to the part I care about. Movies are too long. Lots of stuff is too long. People need editors.
But these kind of conversations lend themselves more than most art forms to just letting it happen. And yeah, it's more natural. I mean, I like the fact that unlike my early days when you'd sweat backstage and you'd hear the Tonight Show band playing and say,
You know, Johnny's going to ask you this and then you're going to say that and you're going to listen. Don't fucking veer from this. You're getting trouble. And this is good. I didn't prepare anything. Yeah. You know, obviously you didn't prepare anything. No, okay. I did. You really have no list of questions. No, no. I know what happened. I like you. I'm sure I'm not going to run out of things to ask you or talk to you about.
But that's a talent in itself that you could do that off the top of your head. I think you think it's not that much of a talent, but trust me, a lot of people could not do that. I don't know if I would trust myself. If you said, you have two hours with this guy, I would be in the back of my mind like, shit, what if
An hour and ten minutes in, I'm like, fuck, I can't take one more thing. I can't imagine if you and I were at dinner together for two hours, we'd run out of shit to talk about. That's probably true. So that's this. Okay. It's the same shit. Followed by dead air while it's complete dead air.
Listen, man, I've been a fan of yours for a long time. I bought True Story. And I have you. Wow. Yeah. I bought that book way back in the day, man. I was living in New York. It was a great book. Thank you. That's a very underrated book on stand-up comedy. I appreciate that. Yeah, it's a novel. Yeah. You know, it's a novelization of my early life. Very accurate, though. Like, you could feel like you lived the life and, you know, the names were hilarious of the characters you chose. Yeah. No, I worked probably harder on that than almost anything I've ever done. I would never really.
Yeah, I would never write another knob. Well, just to make every sentence, every paragraph.
funny or telling, no extra words. To me, that's the kind of, what year did you write that? It's funny. I started it in the early 80s when I was still almost living it. And I would get busy and put it aside, not to look at it for years. And then I did my old life. In 1985, in December, I went down to
See what Nejo Mexico to do the memorable TV movie TV movie there. There's a phrase that date you the Metameral TV movie club met. I think we all remember it No, we don't Linda Hamilton was the star. I think I do remember it. I hope you don't
I remember Linda Hamilton in a movie with you. Now I'm picturing it. It was a TV movie, and we stayed at the Club Med. It was kind of a low budget thing as far as the people in the cast and crew went, because we stayed at the Club Med, which was not a luxury hotel.
You know what club meds are. You give up your money, you pay everything in beads, but you don't really need money. And for people who just, you're going to enjoy the outside. That's why you're in Mexico. So the room is monastic, right? There's no TV. Because you're out all day. You're just going to be in the waves and then you're going to fuck and go to sleep and whatever.
So I had a lot of free time because I wasn't in the shot every day but I was in Mexico. Eventually I got fucking cabin fever down there. You know, I couldn't wait to get home. But I was there a long time and had nothing to do and I wrote a lot of the novel there.
and put it away again. And then I was in a real career slump in the early 90s. I had finished with acting mostly. I didn't want to do that anymore. I'd done a few sitcoms and I didn't want to be the office creep forever. And so I was just like nowhere. And that's when I finished it. And also that's like the year I did cocaine.
I probably would not have finished it without that. It was only one year. It was one year. I was never meant to do cocaine. When everyone was doing it, I never wanted it. You know me, I'm a pothead like you. It's not my drug, but you know, if you really insist.
You can get in, you can get into any drug. And I just happened to be at this point in my life where I was vulnerable to any, I had nothing to do all day. I wasn't working. And it helps you right. It helps you. It's a productivity drug. It's a productivity drug. It was never a drug that I liked because I wasn't social on it.
But I used to like to have sex on it. Most men did not. I loved that. And right. But I didn't want to talk. Some people are like, that guy. I was never that guy who did Coke and talk a blue streak. No. But it helped me concentrate and organize and that kind of stuff. And then I was probably smoking pot too. I was smoking cigarettes. It was not a healthy year. That was not a healthy year.
I remember, you know, because cocaine, which is kids, that is the worst drug. It really is. Because you get a little honeymoon period, and then that quickly goes away, and then you're chasing that high. And, you know, it's not healthy, and then you're trying to, at the end of the night, take the edge off.
You're into that, put the edge back on. I took it off too much by drinking Jack Daniels. Damn, now I gotta take it off again. I put it on too much. That was... I never touched it. I got lucky. You're very smart. I would probably really enjoyed it. I think I would have really enjoyed it. That's probably why I didn't... Again, at the beginning, it's very much like a relationship cocaine.
Good at the beginning, you know, I think trails off. I always say, because resentment. There is a time in relationships are good. Spoiler alert, it's the beginning. For a lot of them for sure. Now, when you put that book out, is it still in publication?
Another great question. I'm finding so much about my own life here. I didn't know. Because of comics. In correct with being redone. Comics from my era, like guys who grew up and got to hold that book when we were just starting out. It was huge. A lot of guys passed it around. A lot of guys talked about, hey, you got to get this book. Yeah. No, I mean, and I tried to make it into a movie. There was many scripts written. I mean, it's my own fault for not pushing that through, I guess. But I thought,
At the time, it really would have made a good movie, but it's probably too late now. Well, you definitely have to change the names now. It's very hard, yeah. I did in the script. It's very hard to depict stand-up comedy in a movie. In fact, one of the original impetus to write the book was that no one was doing that well.
I remember that movie came out with Tom Hanks. Remember that? Punch line. Punch line, okay. And Tom Hanks was good. I mean, Tom Hanks could have been a stand-up comic. He did it as good as you can. Passable. Passable. But they just never capture the whole essence of it. And also, when you're trying to have someone, I see this on... Maisel?
No, I haven't seen that yet. Some show, oh, the one, I think it's Jim Carrey's show on Showtime about. Oh, I'm dying up here? Thank you, yes. And I like the show, but whenever you're showing a stand-up comic and it's acting, you're acting as a stand-up, and then the audience has to laugh. There's something about it that isn't, it just, you can tell it's not real. It's like a boxing scene in a movie, same thing.
A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Rocky. Right. Yeah. But that's sometimes purposely over the top. This just comes off as fake because one thing we love about comedy is that laughter's involuntary. Yeah. It's in, you can't...
as any giant comedy star knows you can walk out of the comedy club and you get the biggest ovation in the world two minutes later you can be dying because it's involuntary yes the thrill to see you but then if you don't say something funny they can't they're not gonna laugh it's also
a very uniquely live thing. It's like you have to be, I always say that if you watch a special on TV, you're getting 60% of the funny. You have to be there live. If you're there live, you'll get 100% of it. So not only that, not only are you watching it not live, because you've got a recording of it, but it's also a fake recording. So it's a guy pretending to be on stage, and an audience pretending to be an audience, and the whole thing is a disaster.
Yeah, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise that it never got made into a movie. They do a pretty decent job of capturing the marvelous Mrs. Maisel does, of capturing the early-seaning clubs, of her going up drunk and talking shit, and then people telling her, you could probably do comedy. It seems chaotic and real, but it gets a little less realistic as time goes on. Do you watch that show and you like it? Yeah, I like the first two seasons. The third season, I'm like,
I hope they're not losing me here. And it takes place in the 50s? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would watch something like that, except it's just too much. At first I was just too much. Too many things to watch. Yeah. I mean, I put it on my list, but, you know, I'm gonna get to that. And does everything have to be like a season? Right. Does everything have to be so drawn back to our subject? Everything is either very condensed or way too drawn out.
And you have to follow it. And you're not like an episode of Friends. Well, you don't have to know what the fuck happened the week before and you just tune in to sign. So it's not dependent upon the week before. Right. Everything is an arc and everything is and people binge. I don't binge. I never binged anything. I have the opposite problem. I have.
watching ADD. When I love to watch TV, it's the last thing I do before I sleep at night. But unless something is absolutely compelling, I don't watch more than 15 minutes of it. I'll watch 15 minutes of this and then 15 minutes of that and 15 minutes of melds thing and then go to sleep. People are structuring their Netflix specials that way because of that. People are doing their closing bit first.
I read that somewhere that you have to grab them. That's why every fucking drama is something and then six months earlier. We have to go back because you have to grab them first and it's such a tired trope now. It's like now that we've seen it a hundred times, think of something else or just go really crazy and do something linear.
well it's uh... you know this whole thing that you were saying before we do have a second uh... seven second attention span or we have three hours i i would love to see someone try to make a movie like steve mcqueen's lemons because if you ever remember that movie the old steve mcqueen there's no kids there was a steve mcqueen before the very talented director oh i didn't know there was a director steve mcqueen yes you do who is he was he did he
He direct, what you know, right? He directed, he's an African American. He directed 12 years of slave, I believe. Oh, okay. Are you using your magic light back to Gorgorba? And what else did he do? He's a big director. He's a major, major guy. That's Steve McQueen. Oh, there he goes. I didn't know who he is. Shame hunger. Widows, yes. He just did widows. Never saw that. Widows, 12 years. Yeah.
Okay. Anyway, I remember the whole stage. The actor. Oh, yes. The one who died of cancer in 1980, I believe. I remember him chasing cures in Mexico, Portland. Yeah. Yeah. Lung cancer? I think probably I think he probably was a heavy smoker. But yeah, he was
He was, what about him? The movie Lamonts is a really slow beginning. There's no talking for like the first, I don't know how many minutes. It's just, you know, people going about their life on the racetrack, like all preparing for things. Oh. There's no chat. Oh, you ever try to watch a Hitchcock movie?
Oh, yeah, same thing, yeah. I mean, it just shows how different the audience are and how we have developed or undeveloped. Well, I don't know if it's that or if it's that there's an expectation that people have a short attention span and so that everything is made for that expectation. No, they do. They do. I think they really do. I mean, the more you, I do. I must say, as someone who grew up when Alfred Hitchcock was still
Was he still making? Yeah, he made a movie in 1972. I was 16. I saw it in the theater. It was one of his last. He was on his last legs, but Psychohead was 1960. I was too young for that, but he was still very in vogue and a big director.
And I tried to watch, I did watch the one he made in 1956, the year I was born, called The Man Who Knew Too Much, I think. It's a story he made three times. He liked that story about the innocent guy who's being chased
by somebody, and he doesn't know why they're chasing him in the police or after him, but he's got to find the bad guys before the police find him. It's Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day. It is, I mean, they talked about the master of suspense. I mean, Jesus Christ, it was like the master of keeping me from falling asleep. It's really subtle, slow,
I'm sorry, but I think they've improved on that. Maybe that sacrilege to the movie community, and Martin Scorsese will write me a letter or something, but Jesus Christ, I'd much rather watch salt. There's a thriller that moves, or Jason Bourne, those movies. I feel like they took what Hitchcock was doing, and yes, they revved it up, and I'm glad they did.
Hitchcock's hard to get through. We also have to realize when Hitchcock was making films, they've been only making films for 50 years. It was a really... Oh, even less. I mean, he started in the late 30s. Right. Right. You know, I mean, talkies had only been around for like 10 years. That's crazy. He goes way back, yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, there's something about that, like, even when you think about stand-up, like, if you ever tried listening to Lenny Bruce,
I certainly have. Good example. Yeah. I can't do it. It doesn't work anymore. It's so contextually. We're in a different world. But any of those old schoolers. Yeah. That's a point that funny. It's in true story where I talk about how those guys who are such
icons couldn't make it today because they take too long. You could take two minutes before you got to the punchline. You could take two minutes to set something up. The audience was perfectly okay with that. You could never do that today. Jack Benny and Bob Hope was more rapid fire. But a lot of these old schoolers
You know, I mean, I have a never funny list. And being a friend of mine created years ago, and some of them are on it. You know, Danny Thomas, and I don't know, Red Skeleton. I mean, there's some people I thought were never, Bill Cosby, I must say, was on that list. Really? Oh yeah. You never thought he was funny? Never thought he was funny. Even when he was doing Bill Cosby himself, like back at the album days,
And I may have missed some stuff he did, but everything I've ever heard, even when I was a kid and I saw him on TV, I'm like, no. I'm like, this shit's corny. I feel very, very ahead of my time. I never liked him. I did. Well, it was one of those things where if you had said any of this that you're saying 10 years ago, people have been furious at you.
Well, but now he's been exposed. Somebody told me he was a creep back in 1983. Oh, OK. Someone told me in 94. Yeah. Yeah. So I know it was somebody I liked, not somebody I was romantically involved with, but a girl who he was horrible to. And I never liked him after that as a person. That makes sense. I had heard from people on the set of news radio that he drug girls.
It was like one of those weird things that you heard as a room like, what does he do? He drug girls, like Bill Cosby, Bill Cosby, Bill Cosby. We're talking about the same guy. It's not like Steve McQueen, Steve McQueen. We'll get him confused. Right. No, I mean, America's dad. America. And you have to wonder why a guy who could get laid. Yeah. Even as a married man.
that's obviously a sick kinky head. But I also know a guy was a promoter and told incredibly ridiculous stories about things that Bill Cosby did that were not sexual, but just informed me that what his kink is is part of a much larger sickness about control. And making people do
Weird things because he can. Let me tell you what I heard. You tell me what you heard. I heard he makes people watch him eat curry. He would make the whole staff come into his dressing room and watch him eat.
I hadn't heard that exactly, but it's exactly in line with what I heard, that he would do things like make you what was one of them, like he would order food, and then he would say, you know, scoop out the doughy part of the hamburger bun.
after you wash your hands and put it back on the hamburger, or once he asked them to send him the soap that he hadn't finished using in the dressing room. Like collect. Send it to him. Yeah, just like crazy, crazy shit that again speaks to a pathology that's larger.
than what we know about him sexually, that fits as a subcategory under that because to need to have the woman be unconscious, that's a weird thing. I can't get into, there's certain things, I can't even imagine why someone would find it attractive to be with a child. I can't understand why that would be appealing to you. I can't understand this. A lot of things I can't understand.
I worked at a casino and he made the security guard talk him into bed and shut the lights off. Things like, I'm gonna lie on the bed and I want you to talk me in and shut the lights off. He had like a whole routine that he wanted them to follow and he wanted them to talk him into bed.
Well, I had a friend who had an interesting take on it and he said there is something that happens to some famous people, particularly famous people who were famous a long time ago, where they feel like they are better than other people. There is a giant gap between them and other people and they feel like they can do things to people. I don't think that's uncommon.
But his pathology. But most people try to hide that feeling. They try to present it. You know, it's called acting. Yes. That's why when they are in front of the camera, they're so charming. But we know that behind the scenes they're not.
But he seemed to wear it on his sleeve. Well, sort of sometimes, right? But the other thing that he was doing in publicly, he was trying to chastise other comics for using bad words, and he had a lot of weird control issues with that as well. But my friend's taken on it was...
that he thinks that there are people that they get to this position where they think that they're owed things. And he thought about that sexually too. He said, he probably felt like he was just so above those women that he didn't even want to negotiate with them. He just drugged them and fucked them because he's Bill Cosby and they should be happy. Yeah, it's crazy. No, it's not the human mind.
is the bottom of the ocean. It's mostly unexplored. A giant mystery. Well, especially that kind of scenario. I mean, how many human beings have ever experienced what he's experienced? He's been famous in the 1950s. He was an American icon, rich beyond imagination. Groundbreaker. Groundbreaker and a legitimate world-class stand-up comic who toured the whole world, created this Cosby show that was a groundbreaking television show. Oh, yeah.
So many factors, so many factors. And then on top of that, a psychotic pervert, and a creep, and drugging women. I mean, on top, who knows what other fucking shit? Probably not just that. No. You know, when someone's that fucked up, it's probably not just, they might find like 30 dead cats in his backyard. Right. Who knows the fucking guys into? Well, somebody told me, this may not be true, that he was drugging people with animal tranquilizers.
that he had a vet's license or something. That's how he was, because people were like, how did he get the stuff that he was using for the knockout pills? Would it offend you if I put my finger? Yeah, not at all.
It is a man. It's a man. I don't want to ask it. Relax. I want you to feel good. I put my feet up here all the time. Oh, great. You got some loafers on purpose. Those are your choice. You wore those today. I didn't even think about it. See, that's why I'm saying I'm glad I did this because I don't have to think about who am I wardrobe, but what I'm going to wear and is Johnny going to like me? Oh, boy. Did you do the night show with Johnny? 30 times. Holy shit. 1982 to 1992. Wow. 30 times.
Yes, which just shows you that when I started to do it, there was such a proliferation of comics. You could do that show 30 times and that didn't make me famous. It elevated me to a degree. It legitimized you and show business.
But that at one point, just doing the Tonight Show once made you a star. But part of what true story is about was the comics frustration that they came along at a time when it wasn't that unique a thing anymore. There was too many comics. You couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a comic. So I have like in my SiriusXM radio in the car, the comic stations and
I love them. I would listen. I very often see somebody's name. I've never heard of this comic. I'll never see it again.
They're doing, you know, they play four or five minutes of their routine. It's very professional. It's funny. I'm laughing. And who is this person? It just seemed like an innumerable supply of very competent stand-ups who have funny bits about the ketchup bottle and
I don't know any of them. And I guess they have followings. But you go to the clubs though? Club? Fuck no. That's the thing. The clubs, it's like you go back to high school. No. I go to high school every day. You do? Yeah, I work the clubs all the time. Well, so does Leno, and lots of people just saying, Phil, Chris, I don't get it. I don't know why you want to do that.
First of all, because my friends are there, I like going there and talking to the other comics that are there all the time. Wow. And I like to do it because it keeps me sharp. I do that line up at the store. There's 13 other comics on the list. But I worked around. I do that too. Yeah, but I'm saying, but that's how I keep sharp as I, or as sharp as I can be, is well, also I gave up on memorization years ago. First of all, with all the pot I've smoked, it just wasn't going to happen.
I've used what I call the poor man's teleprompter for, oh, it's got to be 20 years, which is I have a music stand on stage. And then I have my notebook, which has my bullet points. And I don't think the audience even notices it after. It's very every five minutes. I'm very discreetly moving the page.
But that way, I don't have to memorize anything. When I get home from the gig, I go through it, I redo it in the computer, print it out, and it's just been the greatest thing because I can say, I can get to exactly what I want to say. I hate comics to stand up there and go, what else? What else? It's like, fuck that. You should know what else. Never hear me say what else to another. I know what else, and I'm going to tell you.
I'm going to try to condense it. I'm going to give you the best show I can for 90 minutes and then leave.
Look, I mean, you certainly can do it that way. Yeah, we all have our own way. Yeah, everybody's got their own way of doing it. Yeah, we are. I like to be around a lot of other comics, like a large number of very good comics all the time. I think you feed off each other. Like I'm on the road all the time when I'm on the road and with my friends, you know, I go and tour with other. I know you do.
Very funny comics. But when I'm in town, I just like to be around as many as I can. You should do my Hawaii gig one year. You know, I have a study. Well, I ran into Natasha and... Yes, you did it last year. Yeah, I ran into them and Maui. I was like, what are you guys doing? They're like, oh, we're working with Bill. Oh, in Maui? Yes. You were there? Yes. I was there with my family. We were just vacationing. Next year is the 10th. It was like...
it was like uh... new years right yes i had started this ten years ago nobody would book it they they all said uh... why is it that market and i found this promoter uh... who was okay i'll try it and it worked of course on a little is a big city there
This is more than a million people there. Yes, and Maui. So we do Maui on December 30th, and we do New Year's Eve in Honolulu. And there's always surprises. And this year, Sarah Silverman did it, and Bobby Slaton. And we have sometimes some very well-known musicians who join us. Woody Harrelson is also in Maui.
plays with this a little bit. Stephen Tyler is a Maui too. Yes, I saw him there one year. But maybe you'd consider slumming and it's a great fun trip and you're with comics. I've never performed in Hawaii. Every time I go there, it's just a chill. Well, I'm going to hit you up on that. Okay.
I stopped doing New Year's Eve shows on my own. That's the great thing about it. I always hated New Year's Eve. What a shit day. And the show's at eight o'clock. So it's just a show. It's a regular show. Right, no, exactly. It's a regular show, eight to 10, or maybe a little after 10. We always, the whole group sings Smile at the end of it. I made that tradition, the old Charlie Chaplin.
Smile though your heart is a king you know that one sure you'll have to learn it and Jesus what a weird gig and Well, it's New Year's Eve. You got to do something as you send them off It's only an hour and a half left in the new year in the old year and I feel like that was the appropriate song because it was a song written by a comedian Charlie Chaplin it's a hundred years old It was a hit in the 50s for Nat King Cole Michael Jackson
uh... redid it in the nineties uh... when he was on trial for child molestation chose to do a song by charlie chaplain the most famous job molester that was michael's way of child chap was a child master well charlie chaplain but i think back then they didn't call it that but yes he married no anything
Oh, yes, he married like, it was like Jerry Lee Lewis. He was like with 14-year-olds. Really? Charlie Chaplin, yes. I don't think I'm talking at a school about Charlie Chaplin. Can you conjure something up there on your magic lightbox, Jamie, and see if there's information then? What are we? The only thing you just didn't know. It's just child molester.
yes charlie chaplain famous for for that and uh... you know back then i don't think they got your for it but what did they did what was the legal age back then possibly none right to come into law i don't know if they even had such a concept i mean we're talking about an error before women they weren't letting women vote right teens they didn't women didn't vote till nineteen twenty i don't know if they were child labor laws
I just don't know. Well Priscilla Presley, why doesn't she like 14 when it was? Correct. Yeah. So Elvis was the child of a monster too. And that was the 50s, right? Right. And that, well, he went into the army in 58. So that's when he met her in Germany. Her father was a colonel and she was 14. And of course he was 25 and a giant rock star and he says to the colonel,
Would you mind if I took your 14-year-old daughter back to America? She can live with me at Graceland and it'll all be good and the guy says, enjoy. What the fuck was wrong with people back then? Those are different human beings. It's not just 100 years ago. No, no. We're so different. Just are. I mean, I'm a little older than... 16-year-old Harris meant actor Charlie Chaplin. 16 is...
Not as that's not even I don't think the worst one is a famous one is there like a Charlie Chaplin the pervert or child master. Yes, there definitely is But yes people died young back then
Think in the recently people were just rougher. Yeah, you know, I mean you and I I think walk the same path very often talking about We I think are progressives, but we have short patients with some of the fragile. Yes. Woke bullshit. Yeah, okay And some of that is just the way you're brought up. I think kids are coddled You know, I think they're indulged and that's the reason why they freak out over microaggressions and stuff
And some of that is just, I was telling some in this story, not a, not apropos of this, just talking about something else, but it just reminded me that here I'm a kid who had, I think, a normal middle class upbringing. I consider it an idyllic time. I consider it an, in a sense, you couldn't buy today.
I mean, first of all, I grew up in New Jersey in the 60s. There was no racial issues, because there was only one race in town. That's just the way it was. I'm not saying that's good, it wasn't. So there weren't racial issues. There weren't drug issues. I didn't try pot in high school. Maybe there was a rumor that a few kids were doing it, but that wasn't even a thing. There wasn't even any divorce.
It was really the land that time forgot. It was leave it to beaver land. And I was telling someone this time, my father, who grew up in the Depression, cheap, I love him dearly, but I don't think that's the wrong word. And sent us to an army friend of his, as the dentist, and this is 1964, I was eight, and did not use Novocaine.
And I remember vividly like he, I had like eight cavities that had to be filled. He said, if it hurts, raise your hand. You know, has to drill one into me. Okay. So they're drilling into me and then I'm riding home up this big hill. It was cold on my bike with the tears freezing on my cheek. So get to the dentist yourself. First of all, they wouldn't do that today. They don't let kids just be on their own.
Like, get your ass to the dentist on your bike, get home after they drill into you with no Novocade. And I'm saying, I wasn't raised by bad people. This people were just rougher. It was just a rougher time. And I wouldn't recommend these things exactly necessarily, although getting someplace on your own, I don't think is the worst thing in the world.
But a little more of that. Have you ever had Jonathan hate on your show? Yeah. His book The Coddling of the American Mind is exactly about that. And he believes that you should let your kids roam around and let them find their way home. There is a movement for that. Yeah. That's how I was raised. I was raised too. Came home from school, fly into the house.
change into my play clothes, fly out the door. My mother never said, where are you going? What are you doing? Yeah. And, you know- Keep it gone. Yeah. And again, and leave it to Beavertown, there was a six o'clock whistle. Really? Yeah, at the firehouse, the whistle went off. Time for dinner. And then you- Right. And then you got your ass home when you heard the whistle. We didn't have watches or phones or, you know, I don't want
I mean, I don't want to compare. It's a different world for sure between the way we grew up and the way they're growing up today. I don't know what's better. I don't know which one's better. There's certainly a lot of white babies today. Yeah, but there's also a thing today where
we're giving them access to information way quicker. So there's gotta be, and this is not something that's been studied, right? Like what happens to a young mind when it has access to almost anything as soon as you get a phone. You're given 12-year-olds, 13-year-olds phones, and then they have access to everything in the world, everything. Porn. Porn instantly. Which I, you know, you're talking to a libertine.
But I do not think porn is benign. I do not. It is not benign. Not the way it is now on the computer. I mean, it's rapey.
It's it's so sites are you going to any any site? I'm not getting the rabie porn, but I think it's not benign because it's not it's not it's domineering Yes, it's a lot of things that I am not interested in even in my fantasies I was doing a bit about that in my last special like even in my fantasies. I don't want to choke anybody Yeah, I don't want to come on your face. I mean come on coming on your face that that's not
rapey or domineering or, I mean, I find that off-putting and gross. That doesn't move me. And the thing, I don't get it. But that's half of what Pornhub is. Well, I think what half of it is now is a lot of step-sister stuff. It's like step-father, step-sister, step-pro. What's that all about? Because people are trying to be naughty, and there's nothing naughty left.
Cause like the idea porn originally was like, I can't believe these people are having sex. Like go back and watch porn from the 80s. They're just having sex. Ask fucking choking. Come on your face. Spitting. Yeah. It's gross. And it's, and so I'm not surprised that.
Kids have mental problems because of sex. What's the first real date like when you saw a team of Japanese businessmen come on some school girl's face when you were dead? Oh, you saw that one? The bus? That was a rough one. I think it was a flight attendant. I don't think it was a school girl.
Yeah. There was a squid. Yeah. Oh, there's always squids. They're into octopuses, tentacles and shit. Yeah. Yeah. It's not necessarily benign, but neither is alcohol, neither is gambling. I'm not saying it should be a lot of the behavior. But I mean, if I was a parent,
Yeah, it's an issue. Keep it away from the kid. There's also an issue that you don't tell kids about it. They find out from other kids, there's no discussion of what it is. There's no real, no one in their right mind would ever sit down and watch porn with their son and say, this is what I want you to avoid. This is why I want you to avoid this. But it's probably not the worst idea.
There comes a legality issue like I mean I don't even think it's legal to watch porn with a 13 year old kid But if you if you have a son and he's 13 and you know he's gonna be exposed to these things You almost have a responsibility to talk him through it and just give him some
To give us some understanding of what is the landscape. Here's a big one. Why are these girls doing this? Okay. Here's something that people don't like to admit and enjoy porn. The vast majority of them have been molested. The vast majority. Of who has been molested? Porn actors.
Porn stars. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There was some study they did on girls who get into porn, who have been sexually abused, mentally abused and physically abused. It was overwhelming. It was overwhelming. I mean, obviously it's just anecdotal. It's based on one group of people that they, I don't know if it's the largest study. It's not surprising at all. No.
So they're searching for acceptance and they're willing to do something that's way outside the norm. I'm sure there's just some girls that are just really promiscuous. They're in a sex and there's nothing wrong with them. They just love it and they love performing. But I think there's less of them than there are of the girls who were probably abused. And you know, maybe they turn it on negative and do a positive. I'm not saying they shouldn't do it. I'm not casting any judgment, but I am saying that.
you should understand what this thing is. Like, how come some people like to fuck on camera and everybody else is afraid that you're gonna see their genitals? I don't know about the watching porn with your son, Joe. Yeah, I wouldn't suggest it either. I'm just saying. I'm kidding. But what I would tell a kid, especially a boy, is son, what you're seeing in porn, don't think that women really like that.
because they don't. They don't want to have somebody come on their face. Someone must.
So, of course, someone likes anything. That's one of the bad things about the internet is that in the old days, if you were some sort of weirdo pervert, you thought, and it was the world was better because you thought that you were completely alone in the world. Now, whatever your kink is, you could put it on the internet. You could write, you know, I want to hook her to shit on me while I play with electric trains. And it's a whole category of a thousand people in two minutes who are saying, me too.
Yeah. And that, I don't know if that, now you have a community of electric trained shit around it. You got an echo chamber. Yes. They're all enjoying shitting on you with electric chains. Right. So that's all unhealthy. Yeah. But I just don't think that, I mean, that would be my main lesson to a adolescent boy.
Okay, we can't keep the porn away from you. Just don't think that's real the way real women are or what real women like. I don't think they like Tinder either. In fact, I watched some documentary. I can't remember what it was called. I think it was on HBO about
dating on social media and that was the main theme of it was women are doing it young women but they don't like it and it's that surprising they don't like it guys are of course wired very differently and they just want to hook up and
move on. I read also an article about it and I think it was in Vanity Fair and the woman says, okay, she did it once. She tried Tinder. She goes to a hotel or meets a guy she had just met over the phone and they fuck. And then she said, as I was getting dressed, I turned around and he was sitting on the bed looking at Tinder.
You know, so he had just come and here he is looking for the next fix victim and victim this is this feeling participant. Yeah, I'm not I'm not I'm not I don't mean I didn't know you're right. She's the next he's a predator. She was a willing to Predator how dare you that's what I'm saying. He's out there hunting. Yeah trying to get gals, but it's just what is gals I
Try to get the ladies. But women... It's not designed for women's sensibilities. Most women know. They had member Ashley Madison. It was the cheating site. And it was like 12,000 women and 126 million men.
a crazy number like that. And most of the women on it were hookers. We're fake, too. There's a lot of them that were fake. They had fake accounts. It was hilarious when you have a dating site set up just for people that want to cheat. And then they all get busted because someone hacks into it like, do you fucking dummies use your real name? Like Jesus Christ. I mean, just never read that book, Sapiens. Yes. Such a great book. And he goes into the fact that
monogamy probably not what is wired in us. The reason why there's so much misery about relationships is it probably wasn't that way.
in early man, and I'm saying early man, like human homo sapiens, which haven't been on earth that long. There's no primates that are monogamous. They've never found one. Right. And we are primates. Right. And we probably had a system, a system is just how we were, that was closer to the chimps and where it was like communal fatherdom. You know, you didn't really know whose kid it was. So there wasn't this possessiveness because
You know, I guess the women fuck different men in the grouping and there wasn't that feeling of I own you. Right. And this pussy's mine and all that bullshit. You had sex at dawn?
No. It's basically about that. Okay. My friend Dr. Chris Ryan wrote it. Okay. Interesting. It's basically about that. It's about how people behave, the polyamorous relationships that they had in these primitive cultures before DNA testing and before they understood paternity. That's really what it was all about. It's about the community would raise children. There was a lot of shared sex in between different people.
So much of love is, I think, possessiveness, what people think is love. It's not love. And also, you make me feel good, it's not love either. To me, and they always say love is the thing that has never been able to be defined.
I don't think it's that hard. It's selflessness. It's when I care for your happiness more than my own. That's love in any kind of relationship, man or woman, whatever. At least as much as my own. Yeah, right. And if being without me would actually make you happier, then I'm for that. That's love. That would not characterize most of my early relationships, how I felt in what I thought what love was.
Well, it's interesting when we look at other animals, right? Because monogamy and other animals. That's not love. Another animal's monogamy isn't a choice. The animals that are monogamous, they don't have any desire. It's naturally built and wired into their system. It's not like they choose. Like swans? There's a bunch of them, penguins, for instance. Penguins. Penguins are gay, we know that. They all look the same. They might as well be gay.
It wasn't there a big thing about gay penguins? Well, there was a story, I feel like, about gay penguins. Really? Yeah, there's something, because I feel like the usual suspects on the right. Yeah, look up Charlie Chaplin, gay penguins, fucking chills. Smile. Maybe it was a story, something that made the evangelicals mad.
About penguins. Yeah, about penguins. I think it's penguins. Maybe it's they were in. My point would be that any of these animals that are doing this, they're not doing this because they have a choice to understand what it is. Oh, New York Times gotcha. Gay penguins and their hope for a baby having chanted Berlin. Two male penguins, the zoo Berlin have adopted a egg. Yes, that's it. That's what it is. Two male penguins adopted an egg.
People are upset. Delighting Germans, but upsetting Pat Roberts in big time. Oh, is he bummed out about that? Yes, somebody like that was, or all of them were. I'm sure the family counseled those types. You think they want to have the example of penguins being gay? I wonder if they even give a fuck or if it's just a hustle at this point. Do you think they really give a fuck about these penguins being gay? I think they have to say something because it's some new thing to talk about and it gives them fuel for outrage. It's a juicy story in the news. They could jump on.
Yeah, I mean Pat Robertson, he's still on TV, right? He needs material like you and I do. Yes, that's what I'm thinking. You never know what these people. That's where you draw the lines. That's it. That's enough. Their agenda has moved over to the Penguins.
It's such a strange time. It's a strange time where I feel like if you read Stephen Pinker stuff, he talks about how this life has never really been easier than we have it today. But it's also probably one of the reasons why people are so outraged about things today. There's less real shit.
that's dangerous in this world. There's less. There still is real danger. There still is real murder and real rape and real robberies. But there's less of it than ever before. But yet there's more outrage than ever before about nonsense things. Well, when societies get too successful and you could make that claim about America, that's when they become a feat and that's when they become soft. Yes. And that's when they fall. This is a story that goes back to ancient Rome and
lots of other societies, you're a victim of your success. In a large way, we're that because, yes, people don't, we're just talking about how people were rougher. No, no vacate, you know, that wasn't even the roughest thing.
We don't know hardship except for that sliver of the country that fights the wars. Those people know hardship. Of course, we do have poverty in America, but there's also a fairly substantial safety net that this country has. It compares to the other parts of the world, but there's parts of the world that are real with crime and gangs. Those people deal with real hardship. Oh, real hardship. Those are the people coming from central American countries that they always
are freaking out about the Trump administration, because yes, when gangs rule the country in El Salvador and Honduras, those places, life is precarious and easy to lose. But I know Stephen Pinker's point, which is a great point, is let's not forget that in the last 20, 30 years,
The amount of people we've risen out of extreme poverty, the people who used to live on a dollar a day, it wasn't that long ago when I read this that a billion people defecate in the street. You know, that's where they poop.
That's all improved greatly. Now, part of the reason why Trump people are upset about jobs and stuff and going overseas, well, that's part of the reason why is because we lifted out of extreme poverty, people all over the world, but they took those manufacturing jobs. That's why they're not living in extreme poverty and why they're not pooping in the street because they're making Trump ties as opposed to somebody in Ohio.
And then people also get upset at you bringing up those statistics. That's where it's really interesting that Pinker gets attacked for just stating statistical facts. And he's not making value judgments. He's just saying, hey, things are, if you look at the overall numbers of things, this is the safest time to be alive ever. And the people know, but what about this? What about that? It's a horrible hallmark of our era that we live in.
that facts almost always come second. Your political agenda comes first. And if it doesn't fit in, then we don't want to hear those facts. And that's the left and the right. It is the left and the right. It's both. And it should be.
It should be something that everybody rejects. It should be something that angers everyone. It shouldn't be tied to one party or another party. And it really should be something that if there's a real problem with communication in this society, one of them is the denial of actual facts and information. If we know things, we have rock solace statistics, whether it's about climate change, whether it's about war, the budget, whatever the fuck it is, if you have a real number,
Yes. And you want to spin and deny and like that, that's a giant problem. It's a giant problem. Right. I get matter at the left because I want them to be better and they should be better and they're the science party and they're supposedly the fact people. I expect this shit from the right. Right. Denying climate change and so forth. They've been doing that for a long time. The left has this dirty thing. If you disagree with them in any way, you become an alt-right person.
like right i mean it's obviously a small sliver or a race is doing this yeah boy i got stuck in this all right category like you guys are out of your fucking mind i've never voted right in my life right and i know but there's a there's a
I feel like, sure as you do sometimes, a man without a country. And there's a group of us, Sam Harris, people you've had on, Jordan Peterson, Barry Weiss. We're all progressives, but sensible progressives. Real progressives. We're not blindly ideological to our party. Right, and we don't chase these virtue signalers who are always
As a friend of mine said, they wake up offended. And I am always reading a story like daily. I read something. And what goes through my mind is this country now is completely binary. There's only two camps. We're totally tribal. You read the red or blue, liberal or conservative, and everything that one side does
that anybody does that represents that side has to be owned by that entire side. Because people will go, well, you're the party of. So whenever there's something on the left that's cuckoo crazy, we all own it. And that's one reason why Trump won. Because people, you go through the polling, his fans are not oblivious to his myriad flaws. What they love about him, what they all say they love is he wasn't politically correct.
It's hard to measure how much people have been choking on that political correctness. They do not want to walk on eggshells. They do not want to think that one little misstep and they'll get fired or it'll be castigated. And these are not just famous people. I mean, these are just regular people. And I think when someone reads the kind of stories you see every day and it's an eye roll and it's an eye roll at the left.
That's when you lose people. A giving example is about two weeks ago, the Giants, my football team, the New York football Giants. Cut. I think his name is Janoris Jenkins. He's an R-word? Yes. Do we have to say the R-word?
No, you can say retarded. Okay. Well, we're just, we're not saying it. We're, I don't know what the fucking rules are. Yes. And he, he, okay, first of all, I don't understand why that generation feels the need to engage with their fans on Twitter, but he was. And some guys need to teach him social media. Some guy was criticizing him and he's a good cornerback or safety, whatever he is. And the,
criticizing him and he answered back. Yeah. Again, I don't know why, but saying, here are my stats. I'm pretty good. I only can do my job. Right. I'm not retard. You may be better if you missed the point, missed the story of the story. I'm going to explain. So then the guy, the fan says, well, why does it matter? The team is losing. And that's when General Jenkins said, I can only do my job retard and
Cut. Cut from the team. Cut. Like the next day. And first of all, I think he said it's something that I thought it was a hood thing. You know, maybe Genoris Jenkins didn't get the memo because he's not, you know, like on Twitter 24-7 and living with the wokesters that we don't do this anymore. I think they offered him a chance to apologize and he said no. I think he did. Did he? I think he did after they cut him.
Yeah, I don't think he, like, stood, I insist on saying this word. But, you know, that seems like there's no room anymore for someone just to go, oh, sorry, I didn't realize this was such a thing because, you know, they do move the goalposts often and they like to because it's easier to catch people that way.
So how about just, oh, sorry, I guess we don't do this anymore, my bad, and move on with our lives instead of, no, you're canceled, you're cut, you are irredeemable. It's ridiculous. And what I'm saying is like, every day there's some story like that. And it just all goes into the bin, left wing. And that's when people go, you know what? Trump's an asshole. I don't like him, but I don't wanna live in that world.
These people are even fucking crazier. Yeah. And that is the great danger of re-electing him and that very well may do it. Yeah, it very well may. Yeah, this over-correction, over-reaction, things like that infuriates people. And they love it when Trump says crazy shit because it sounds like something that they would say. It's trolling. Like he had that one speech we were talking about, China, this is the way you talk to China, they say, listen motherfuckers. Everybody went, yeah!
Yes! Yes! Just that alone, I even laughed and clapped. I was like, that's fucking hilarious, because that is what you would hope some crazy version of a president would say that would never really exist, but all of a sudden it exists. Sometimes he says something that I totally do not want a president to say.
But if he wasn't president, like for example, when he was confronted, may have been by Bill O'Reilly when he was still extant, about Putin killing journalists or something. And Trump said something like, well, we're not so innocent either.
Yeah. Now, I don't think the president of the United States should say that, but you know who else says that? Noam Chomsky. Yeah. That's like something Noam Chomsky says. America's guilty of also doing these horrible things. We're not innocent either.
Yeah, he would be a little bit more articulate about it. Right. But the point is that no one judges any more by the content of what they say, it's just by whose team are you on. So if you liked it when Noam Chomsky said it, you shouldn't hate it that much when Trump said it.
or vice versa. If you hated it, then you should hate it, the Trump said it. But that's not how people react. Well, the team thing is so prevalent that even when he does something militarily, like backs out of a country, you see people on the left criticizing him for not
not going in or not not engaging like Jesus Christ you guys are supposed to be the people that always don't want war and when someone who's the president does something that's not a move towards war we should all be saying yes please more of this he's got a good thing here's a good thing it's not like we want to categorize people as being like you said one or zero binary irritable like either chosen or iridium and you have to be very careful
careful with how you talk or you get labeled in one or two of those categories and people are so scared now. Communicate. I had a conversation with a friend a while back and we were a crazy conversation. It was alcohol involved. But he said something really ridiculous. He was saying that maybe it's good that women get so much money and divorce because of all the shit they've been through for men over the years.
And I was like, what does that have to do with money and divorce? That's an individual person that's getting money from another individual person. Is she collecting, is this like reparations for all the horrible things that have happened for women? And he goes, well, so he starts getting defensive. He goes, well, what about income inequality that women have to deal with? I go, oh, Jesus. I go, well, you know that's not real, right?
And he goes, what do you mean? I go, it's not like they have the same jobs. It's not like both women, the man and a woman are both male men. They both do the same amount of houses, but the man makes a dollar when the woman makes 70 cents. He goes, that's exactly what it is. I go, the fuck it is. That's not what it is. It is illegal. It is illegal. We've already passed that law. Right.
Everybody walked on eggshells. Everybody was like, oh, Jesus, what are you saying? You're saying incoming equality is not real? No, it's not, not that it's not real. There's so many of those mic drop phrases that they use, you know, kids and cages, which of course, we don't want kids and cages, but there's a whole discussion to be had about immigration as opposed to just kids and cage or Islamophobia. Of course, that is a real thing. It exists, but there's a whole other discussion, but just these,
Look, the left often uninformed. They just are. But they have these bullet points that they feel like they definitely can shut a conversation down. That's what I mean. They don't feel like they have to learn a lot about a subject because you have these mic drop sayings or phrases that just stop people from talking.
Well, I'd fortunately known the actual statistics. And so when we were talking about it, I was saying they choose different jobs. And also they negotiate for themselves differently. They need to negotiate for themselves better. Well, that's one of the things when people accuse Jordan Peterson to be in sexist. You know, Jordan Peterson literally counseled and coached women how to be more assertive in their jobs to get better raises.
It was really explaining how to do this and just maybe possibly against your better instincts to exert yourself and show that you understand your value. And this is what men do. And this is why men get raises. And oftentimes women just kind of keep it to themselves and they're a little nervous about it.
But it is amazing. I mean, you mentioned divorce. Yeah, they don't assert as well going for a raise, but boy, the divorce thing. I mean, that can go both ways if the woman is the one who has more money. Yeah, but when the fuck does that ever happen? That's like women who beat up men.
You know, women beat men up too. Like when I hear that, I'm like, oh God. I always say, then go to the gym. You should go to the gym, man. And get yourself a little. Men's rights assholes are like, there's so much to make fun of men's rights, guys. But I had one of them on one of my comedy specials. I had a bit about it where they were saying, do you know that men get raped more often than women? I go, yeah, by other men, you fucking idiot. Right, exactly.
I remember that. It chicks around there, rape and dudes. What do you think? Cheerleaders are out there, rape and cops. Have you had Christina Hoff summers? Yes. Yeah, I love her. Yeah, I love her too. She was on so recently.
You know, we were talking about the fact that also they don't bring up a lot of the time that most of the horrible dirty jobs in the world are done by men. Yeah. They're the ones who are up on the telephone pole. Most likely to die on the job, most likely to be murdered, most likely to go to jail. Yeah. Most likely to get a much longer jail sentence for the same crime. So we're not crying about being men. We're just saying, as she says,
Life is a complex yes, mixture of advantages and disadvantages. Yeah, I think the pendulum swing the other way though I think really dumb statements like fuck all white men like we choose to hear on Twitter and people used to like applaud and retweet it I think people are now like a couple at the fuck well, that's a little out there, but I have heard when I
Now it's going in the other direction because the race is winnowing. But at the point of, say, six months a year ago when lots of people were getting into the race, at some point there were 24 Democrats in there. And when a white guy would get in, it was very common to hear, do we need another white guy? Yeah. And that was completely OK on the left. And it's like, OK, but then we are saying,
that we are using race to judge whether someone is qualified. Exactly. We are using race and gender to say whether someone is qualified, just so we understand what we're doing here. Because I don't think that's exactly what Martin Luther King meant when he said judge by the content of their character
and not the color of their skin, which seems to elude a certain segment. It's the dumbest form of identity politics, and it's really ridiculously dumb when they don't realize that that same sort of strategy is going to come right back around at you. It's like people that think, oh, that guy's pissing me off. I'm going to go fucking punch him. Well, guess what? He's going to punch you back.
This is not that simple. If you go around judging people based on their gender and their color and their race, guess what? They're going to do that to you now. It's a terrible strategy. I want to know how the divorce laws
came to be. I do. I want to know, somebody must have written a book on it. I just want to know how we got to this place where, first of all, this idea that you have to live in the style of which you've become accustomed. I can help you here. I can help you in a couple ways. Here's the big one. Lawyers make a lot of money if there's a large settlement.
so it's lawyer yes lawyers don't make a lot of money if there's no settlement you know phil harman when he was getting divorced one of the things that he said to me i go do just fucking give her half come on and you make a lot of money goes it's not half it was crazed he's like it's two-thirds he was a fucking lawyers get a third it's got to happen
and i've had friends that have gotten divorced and even though they were they had come to an agreement with the the acts like let's listen with this this and you'll get this and i'll get this fine then the lawyers jump in he's trying to fuck you and this note they're trying to fuck you over you deserve more that's exactly the plot of the movie marriage to be seen marriage it's terrific i was again it at the beginning because it was about
an actress and a theater director, and I was like, Jesus fucking Christ, can't you at least pretend that there are people in America not outside of your exact circle? There have been so many big movies that are just about your world of show business, have a little creativity, make them something else, but okay, I got over that. And then it's just a terrific movie about, there's no bells and whistles, it's just
We're married, we seem very happy, and then, well, we're not happy, and we're gonna get divorced, and then we're gonna just do it amicably and not getting lawyers involved, and then it all falls apart, and once it goes down that path that you're talking about, it just becomes as vicious as anything without guns.
Well, I had a friend who got divorced and no family, no children. They didn't have children. And it dragged on for more than, I think, almost three years. And even though they had gotten some sort of conclusion, he was paying for his wife's lawyer. I go, it's like you're paying for the general of the army that's trying to kill you. You're paying for someone to fuck you in the ass. Yeah.
You're getting fucked in the ass broken. You can feel it. I have seen so many men broken by devastated. Every time somebody says, you know, they people unfortunately get a horrible disease like cancer and they say, I couldn't have gotten through it without my wife. I always think, yeah, and maybe she gave it to you.
I don't mean, of course, literally, but I just mean that when you're in a bad relationship, the stress, we don't know what contributes all the things to cancer, but that certainly is, I'm sure, one of them, and then going through a divorce like that, I've seen people, like you say, just broken. They get wrecked, and it's a system. The reason why the divorce laws are set up, the way they're set up, people think, oh, we're protecting women. Horse shit.
They're doing it so that they can extract the maximum amount of money out of the mail. That way the lawyer gets the biggest chunk that they could possibly get. Most lawyers have a, they're working on a percentage basis. Especially if a woman doesn't have as much money or if she's, you know, the loyal come to her. Look, we've got a deal here. We'll figure this out. Don't pay me now. We're going to make sure we
you get you the most, we'll take care of it all in the end. And this is what has happened to several of my friends that have been divorced. And you know what it is once you see it. What I get and I understand and I accept and I support is child support. I mean, I grew up with a deadbeat dad. My dad never paid for shit. And I have many friends that have also experienced a lot of financial hardship growing up because their dad was a piece of shit and didn't want to pay for their children.
But people are very close to me, including my wife. But when there's a big difference between that, a man taking responsibility for his children, there's a big difference between that and alimony. Alimony is creepy. There's something creepy about, like my friend, like I said, didn't even have a child with this woman. He is still paying her, by the way. This is the same guy. Very good friend of mine. He's been divorced for 14 years, has been married.
for twelve to a new woman still paying the old woman and my joke is like you fucked up so hard she can't work right like she literally can work because he he's a wealthy man he made good money and he works really hard is a he's not in the business he's a he
you know, he has a real job and he works, you know, long fucking hours every day and he has his own business and he has to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to someone he doesn't even talk to anymore because he used to fuck her. I knew of a guy who was a doctor who went to jail every night because he couldn't make the payments and they would like let him out on weekends to do rounds and stuff but he was
It's, I got a better one for you. Want to get him crazy? Yeah. Definitely. Dave Foley, who's on news radio. Yeah, sure. When he was getting divorced was when he was on news radio. So it was a financial peak. You know, he was a star of the show. He's making a lot of money. Right. And so his payments were set up for that. Sure. So this is in Canada. Right. Oh. And he, the judge tells him,
He tells the judge, I don't make that kind of money anymore. That was an extraordinary time in my life. It's very hard to make that kind of money. I'm an actor. The judge rather says, your ability to pay has no relation to your obligation to pay. Wow. Think of that. Just pause here for a moment. What a statement.
And where else would we say that? It's insane. And we're talking about hundreds of thousands of dollars, hundreds of thousands, like as if he's supposed to conjure this up, like his career is supposed to magically resurrect itself in some really financial way. And it is, and since it is usually the man still who probably has the more money and is paying the woman. Yes.
It's very inachronistic to how we have come to think about women as equal and strong and able to do everything we can do. But when it comes to this, it's like, we got to take care of them. They're very dependent. I think it's a scam that's set up because the men in general are in control of the finances or make more money, and they can extract more money from that way. And I see a lot of people turning it down.
Yeah, I mean, that's, that's why the system, I think, is set up the way it's set up. It's, it's dark, man. I mean, the only time it's happened the other way that I know of is Tom Arnold. Tom Arnold got it clean. Sure. Yes, it does. It does happen the other way. He's one for the males. Right. We got one on the board. There's like, if the board was like here, it was, it would be a fucking billion scratches on one side and four lines and the one through it. And then next to it is like Tom Arnold.
That's why I never understood the concept of marriage because when people would say, why don't you want to get married? I'd say, why would I invite the federal and state government into my love life? It's very important. You have to have it. Otherwise, it's not real. If you don't get a signed piece of paper, what the fuck do you have? Just your feelings for that other part? Not good enough. Wow. How should I tell her friends?
she's got to tell her friends that he really can brainwash but he really can see she's trained you to say the right answer well i i think that's how that's a crazy i think that's a crazy backward way to look at it that without the piece of paper it's not real it's not real whatever you have with the summit emotionally
That's real. The paper is what's fake. You shouldn't be worried about divorce because we're never getting divorced. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. Why are you getting so upset about this, Bill? Just sign the paper and get married. We're going to be together forever. I don't know what you're worried about. Jesus Christ, just freaking out about, don't you love me? You're freaking out about divorce. We're not getting divorced. We love each other. God, sign it. Sign it. And then when you sign it, the darkness clouds roll over.
hahahaha but also like humans change it's like we said it's so funny when you could say about anything else or i'm not married to it you know do you want that thing they are not married to it but with a human the thing that's most malleable were like uh... yet i'm going to marry well they but you know but for some people it works fantastic it's some countries they actually have term limits
They actually have marriage terms. I don't think that's a real thing. I think it is. Really? Yeah, Google it. Some countries have, we did this before, right? Yeah, it's real. Some countries have, like, you could get married for, like, seven years. Oh, I see, and then you have to read up. You have, like, a seven-year, yeah. And you could decide at the end of it. You're like, look, I think we're good.
Let's get out of here. Right. Yeah. Well, but that's putting a level of logic into it that's probably not going to really obtain when the moment comes because by that time you're so codependent. Girls are not going to tolerate that. Let me ask you this. How long you mean with Phil? And he wants a fucking term limit. Right. My God, you guys are going to be together forever.
What are you doing in the fucking tournament? Because if you stuck with Dave, I bet Dave wouldn't ask for it. Dave's not like that. Dave won't be a little boring. Maybe he's not as funny. But he's a fucking solid guy and you would assign the contract. You'd be fine, girl. You'd be fine. It's like when agents are competing to sign you. And they're like, you didn't read for that? Oh, I could have gotten you out of that. What soon is there's a financial incentive with anything things get squirrely? That's what I'm saying. Yeah.
But it also, you know, I remember you, it's funny you mentioned Tom Arnold. I had him on the very first episode of Politically Incorrect. I think with Roseanne and they were talking about marriage and he said, the great thing about marriage is when you have a big fight and somebody says, I'm leaving, you can go, you can't, we're married.
and i got what he was saying some people like that that you have this yeah this self-imposed barrier that makes more difficult it's like a waiting period with guns
you know, or when they make you look at the sonogram when you want an abortion in some states, look at your fucking baby on the computer screen there and tell him, come back tomorrow and tell me you want to kill that kid. You know, you have a waiting period, you have to cool off, you can't just leave, whereas if you're not married, you can. Unless you live together, that's more complicated, or kids are more complicated, but yeah. The other one we got on the board is Kevin Federline, we got him too.
What do you mean on them? Oh, oh, right right Britney's baby daddy. Yeah, he's yes. That's right for our right now absolutely absolutely. He's good bird. Yeah, plus he got the fuck Britney Spears, which is a double fist pump. Is that a good thing? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm a great one. He hasn't said one thing.
The whole time we've been here for 16 hours, she has not said one word and that was the one thing that made a sound come out of Jamie. She's got two things that men enjoy. She's hot and she's crazy. She's probably fantastic in bed. It's Brittany.
But still hot? There was a photo of her recently on Instagram. She still looks hot as fuck. I thought she was in a bikini. I think she fell apart. She might be. I'd never seen her in real life. You don't know until you see him, right? Right. I mean, I didn't. Yeah, I guess I have been. That's right right now.
That's her right now. Well, that's a lot. Right now. No makeup, no filter. That's a lot of... Look at that picture right there. That's a lot of... Well, that one looks crazy as fuck. Well, she got some crazy videos recently. Oh, she's crazy as fuck, man. But that one right there that we're saying is so great. Up left? No, no. Right in the middle. I do not.
Oh listen, if it's two o'clock in the morning and you're both drunk, that's what you want. Well, I'm never drunk anymore and now I go to bed at midnight, which is a quite a... She's not gonna eat our bill wake up! It's Brittany! I'm here to find...
And my dad's here with me because he has to be wherever I go. I see that controversy. Well, she's like 36 years old now, too. Do you think she's taught us to do that? Well, she does. There's a whole free Britney movement from people who have nothing better to do at their time. And there's no more issues of all the issues in the country that you couldn't adopt as something to care about. But people are saying, because yes, she still is under that
Order that her father has to run her life because remember when she went crazy. Yeah. Yeah, I think she's probably always crazy She just expressed it in a way that made people concerned. I know so I think she's a sweet southern girl who Show business will make you crazy for sure. I mean they change the paparazzi chased her like they chased Lady Diana. She couldn't leave her house and Yeah, that level of fame is almost unmanageable for any it is what we saw Elvis go through or Michael Jackson go through or any any like right
You get to that super pop star level, no one can handle it. Yes, there is a point where it's fame, I think, we know is terrific, mostly, unless it gets to that point. I mean, when it's the people trying to help you when you're other people are just looking at salespeople and airline counters and people who just look at you like,
What the fuck do you want? Oh, I don't know. Just for you to do your job. But if they recognize you, then suddenly you get a smile. I always say being famous is like living in a small southern town, you know, in the 50s. Hello, how you doing? It's so good to see you. You know, the people are just friendly in a way that they aren't anymore in big cities. Well, you know where they're still friendly like that? Dallas, Texas.
Oh yes, the south is crazy. All the south is still a friendlier place. I love playing the south. I've always been the south. I never considered Texas the south. It's kind of its own thing. It's sort of the south. It is the west as much as it is the south. It's everything. It's a world cause we're the south.
What? We're the south. If you look at the south of the country. Well, we're the west. Southern California. We're the west, but we're also the south. Texas is a weird thing. Well, we know what we mean when we talk about the southeast. We're talking about the southeast. Old Dixie. Yes. But Texas is so big.
Austin, to me, is not Texan enough. My eyes will be in New York, you know? It's more like San Francisco, like a slice of San Francisco. Yes, it's still in the middle of the season. Yes, I do. You want a real barbecue? Yes, I like barbecue, but I like that Texas flavor. Houston, I love. I always had a better one back when I used to go out after a show. Always had a better time in the South than the North. Much rather party in Houston than
I don't know, Boston, which is a beautiful city, and I love it, and I love performing there, but I never found the party, but you can't miss it in Houston. Yeah, they're a little more and more jovial. Jovial. It's interesting how we think of the south, too. Arizona's not the south, but it's fucking for sure the south. I mean, it's bordering Mexico. Yes. Well, Arizona.
Yeah. I mean, they're bringing up the rear a little bit on certain civilization-wise. You know, there's some very conservative bastion. I mean, this is a very goldwater country. And there's a sheriff, Joe Arpaio, you know, I mean, there's some real, real cavemen in Arizona. But I love Arizona. What's an open carry state?
Yeah, but look, when you stick to cities, which we do, you know, we're not playing theaters in the sticks, it doesn't matter what state you're in. You're always going to be and get a liberal audience. Look at the election map every year. There's a lot of red, but anyplace there's a city, it's a blue dot, especially if they have a college town. I played Birmingham, Alabama.
It looks like any place else at least the crowd coming to my show i once was i think it was burning and it was somewhere in alabama must be the burning ham or mobile and there was a bass fishing.
contest or award show tournament something going on like at the same time as my show or maybe My show was starting and it was letting out but there was this I was driving up to theaters long crowd of people coming to my show who look like and dressed like anywhere else normal and then on the other side of the street going the other way I
a bunch of people in flannel shirts and trucker hats and it couldn't have been a more obvious example of two america's yeah but within the city of Birmingham Alabama but it's still a city and you know we see that
electorally, the divide. Trump does super well among people who never left the town they were born in, rural people, people out in the sticks, and does terrible in the cities and now much more increasingly in the suburbs. The suburbs are the swing vote.
The suburbs, last time in 2016, there was a lot of people in the suburbs who don't follow politics that closely, and they just said, boy, things suck in America. Let's let the dog drive for a while. Let's see what happens. Let's see what happens.
Let's see what happens and they didn't you know they want to he's a businessman He must know how to run the economy and all this stuff will try something new those people I think first of all a lot of them have peeled away already Those are the gettable voters those are the people if the Democrats want to win I think that they have to target they already have But that's why it's a risky to run someone far left. I think if you run
Amy Klobuchar, as much as people say, oh, she's, you know, dull and she's this and she's that and no one's excited.
Yeah, but again, binary. At the end of the day, when there's only two choices, Trump or her, I think she'd be very hard for her to get the nomination. I think as far as like winning the election, I think she would do it fairly easily. Do you think that Bernie's two left? Do you think he's two left for a lot of people? Do you think that's real? But the media asks the wrong question. The media asks, and those are debate tonight, the media asks the wrong question, which is, what would you do? This is a question that only makes sense if you're running for king.
The question should not be, what would you do? The question is, what can you get through? What can you propose that Mitch McConnell will not either block or you can override with votes? Because that's a very different discussion. What Bernie Sanders wants to do, we shouldn't even be talking about, because it's not going to happen. The free education of paying back student loan debt. Better care for all. Better care for all.
as long as the unless the republicans self-deport even if the democrat wins the election
There's still going to be half the country that's Republican and half the Congress is going to be Republican. And there's just a lot of Democrats are not for this stuff. When the Democrats took over the House in 2018, it was moderate Democrats who won their elections. It wasn't the far left. So you get four years of spinning your wheel in the mud.
well hoping to get some traction if he gets in again it's what can get through congress what can you get a consensus on what what can you make possible obama when he did health care said yes if we were starting from scratch
It would make sense to go for a single-payer system, but we're not starting from scratch. We're starting from a system where most people already have health insurance through their employer. It's a crazy story how that happened. It was World War II, and they couldn't raise wages because that was the law, so they had to find a way to
give employer something else, so they gave them health insurance, but that's what we have now. And a lot of people like it, or say they like it, I don't think a lot of people like arguing with their insurance company, but they're afraid of something worse. And I don't blame them. You know, if you're going to tell me the government, and I'm a Democrat, but if you're going to tell me the government is going to smoothly handle taking over something that large, I am going to be a little skeptical.
way should be they don't smoothly handle anything there's no evidence they smoothly handle anything rather than maybe delivering the news well are delivering uh... the mail look again as a old-school progressive when you go down the list of things that the progressives have accomplished especially in my lifetime i'd share them all
Social Security, well, that wasn't my lifetime, but they improved it in my lifetime. Medicare, Medicaid. These are great programs. I mean, before Social Security, the senior poverty rate was like in the 28% or something, and then it went down below 10. It was a success. But when you look at what the government really, what their big success is, have amounted to, it's passing out money that very often they don't have. That's what they're really good at.
running a giant healthcare system, especially when the politicians who are proposing these systems will not, A, talk enough about, we've got to cap the gouging. You can't pass out all this money if you're going to allow people, hospitals, pharmaceutical companies to charge anything they want, when the price of an EpiPen can go up from $12 to $1,200 overnight. That just can't happen.
And also, they don't ask the people to lift a finger to take care of their own health. Nobody's health care system is going to work unless you involve people have some skin in the game. You can't, like, not tell the people. Look, you can't keep eating as much as you want and as shitty a food as you want and expect us to cover the bill. You just can't.
That is not something that anybody wants to hear, though. Oh, I know, because I did that editorial. I know, remember that. People got upset at you. Well, here's the story. People did not. People loved it until James Corden said something. Oh, that's right. He had that whole... First of all, he did that, and in doing that made fat jokes.
Which was which I did not by the way. There was nothing cheap on it. Morbidly obese. Ever. First of all, he missed a great opportunity to literally save lives. If he had taken the opposite approach, he took the easy way out. Of course, you can always get applause for saying, oh, let's boo the mean man who told the truth.
That's not brave. First of all, my point was, A, that you can't solve health care unless you ask the people to participate in that. That was one. And also, we've gone to this place where we're proud of it. We're proud of being unhealthy.
Weight watchers had to take the name weight and watchers out of their title. It's WWE now. It's like, what? It's see, being fat isn't bad. What's bad is someone pointing out that fat is bad. But I mean, I read the statistic in that editorial, 40,000 people a month, a month die from obesity.
That's a crazy number. That is a crazy number. We have to somehow reverse this idea that we have in this country, not just about obesity, but about a lot of things where I'm perfect the way I am. I am just perfect the way I am. And if you say different, you're a very bad person.
That's not a good place to be. It's not healthy for anybody. You're protecting people's emotions, but shielding them from a possible moment that might make them realize that they are eating themselves to death. Right. I mean, look, I said it also in the piece. Beauty's in the eye of the beholder.
That's fine. Whatever you think is beautiful, that's your deal. But health is science. Yeah. That's science. And when we get apoplectic, when there's 50 deaths from shootings or something a month, yeah, it's very bad. And we should be serious about that problem. But 50 versus 40,000 every month. And that's just what they're counting from the big ones, cancer,
diabetes and heart disease. There's literally nothing about your health that is improved by being overweight. So, you know, I said we shouldn't taunt people, but, you know, compare it to anything else. I also owned up to the fact that I used to drink too much and I smoked, but I didn't defend it. When someone said, you know, you went kind of hard last night with the drinking, I didn't say, how dare you drunk shame me.
Well, the weird thing about Gordon, I did. The weird thing about Gordon, too, is he's not that fat. Like, he could fix that in a couple of months. That's not that hard. No, he took it out. It was opportunistic. Yes, I felt like that, too. He could have, he literally lost an opportunity to save lives, because as someone who does struggle with weight,
He could have taken the opposite approach and said, you know, Bill makes a really good point. And we should look at how we are dealing with this. I noticed Jillian Michaels, the fitness expert. Stook a lot of shit for Lizzo.
for Lizzo. And, you know, if you want to be whatever weight you want to be, that's fine. But it's wrong to shame a fitness expert for saying this isn't healthy. Well, kids even said it's not going to be that amazing when she gets diabetes. Yeah. And people are not diabetes has nothing to do with weight. Diabetes has for sure. Everything to do with it. For sure. Also, they lie. They say things like, well, it's the fat gene.
It's not that. Here's another one, and look, this is valid. It's valid that in this country, it is a lot harder to eat right if you're poor. Yes. And we should totally address that, doubt if it's on any candidate's top 10 list, but the way the food situation and subsidies are done in this country is horrible.
Given that, let's not just throw up our hands and say, we're the can't-do country. And because it's harder, let's not even try. Yes, it is harder to eat right on a budget. But I'll tell you something, something you never need to have with your food, soda, which is a large part of it, okay? And you'll save money. You don't have to have soda. You don't have to have a Snickers bar, a bananas 19 cents. So it's unimpossible.
Adele got shit recently because she got skinny. Yes. Because she got healthier. That was also a part of my thing. Fit shaming. Not fat shaming. People go eat something. Eat something. I'm fine. So you can feel better.
about your weight problem I should eat and get fat too. Well when heavy people have a fan or have someone that they're a fan of that's also heavy like James Corden like so he's heavy he's got people in the audience that love him and they love him standing up for other heavy people yeah we're fine we're fine he's one of us we're fine
I think they felt like that with Adele. Adele was this fantastic singer, super talented, extremely popular, and overweight. Like, yeah, it's fine. It's fine. I'm like Adele. Everyone's fine. But then she loses weight. Like, you feel like she's betraying you because one of the reasons why I liked you is because you're fat. Now you're not fat anymore. It wasn't that long ago.
that we were applauding people when they lost weight. I remember when Oprah came out that time, this was like in the 80s I think, but she had lost a whole bunch of, well there's a picture, it's a very famous picture, I think she's like in jeans and she's got a really thin waist and she was raising her hands and triumph and everyone was applauding.
I guess that's bad now because, again, you have to be perfect the way you are and if you criticize that, then you're a bad person. My take on this is just that there's too many voices that you hear because of social media. You hear so many nonsense voices and they stand out just like everybody else's voice. There's so many people just screaming into the void because there's so many social media accounts. There's so many people that are tweeting about things and Facebooking about things and it gets people confused is that this is like a rational perspective.
And again, with these echo chambers, they're all just hop on board and support James Corden or support, you know, Adele needs to fatten back up. And you'll get thousands of likes. Everybody will go crazy. That's the key word. That's what I didn't understand until about a year ago, that so many people are saying things on social media, not because they really believe it.
to get the likes. That's really scary. That's weird. We had a billboard once when we were coming back on the air in January just like now, about four or five years ago, and the tagline was, he's not in it for the likes.
And it's my favorite piece of promotion that anyone has ever done for me. That's great. He's not in it for the likes. Yeah. Advertising that as, this is why you watch this show. Yeah. But obviously that's not the way a lot of people feel. They are in it for the likes. And they will take a position that they don't believe in because they know it'll get likes. And I've heard this from people I actually respect
And I'm like, wow, you have an addiction. That is an addiction. Addiction of likes. Addiction, yeah. There is absolutely that. And they calculate their posts based on the kind of response they think it's going to get. It's not like a free expression. It's not like they're making a post saying how I feel about this thing. Okay. They're writing it down going, how are people going to react to this? How am I going to get people to really think that I'm awesome?
How am I going to get people to really think I'm progressive, really think I'm an open-minded person? The male feminist perspective. I was just talking to my friend Jimmy Dore about that, about male feminists, about that. That's like a wholly false perspective and you never see it in gay guys. There are no male feminist gay guys because they're not trying to fuck the women.
So it's like it's not a position they would take. Right. They'll support you. They'll be your friend. Right. This whole idea, I'm an ally. I'm like, you're trying to fuck, man. It's so clear. It's such an obvious perspective. Right. It's just such a weird, sneaky thing. Yeah. But it's a version of the same thing people are doing for likes on social media. It's a calculated expression in order to get the kind of response you're hoping.
That's greasy. That's greasy. That's not the word I would have thought of, but perfect. Whenever I read male feminist posts, I get angry. I just not that I don't want to quality for women. You're a greasy man. I know what you do.
Your Twitter? No. Me neither. Never. Because... Why would I say? Exactly. And what I read about people, very often, who've killed themselves. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You know, in their responses. But, yeah, this is a big thing. How about this guy losing his fucking job for saying a real card? They can't. Couldn't you just...
Yeah, could you just stop? Well, he got a job with the Saints. Did he? No. He's like, he was a great football player. Which is a better team. Yeah. Oh. But I mean, everybody said that. I asked some people who I know, like Barry Wise, who's like a brilliant person. And she's like, oh, it's like so depressing. It's like, don't read it.
That generation cannot stop reading even when it's going to kill them. I don't understand that. Well, it's very impulsive, right? You see your name and you see someone. What do they say? Oh, Barry, you're brilliant. Oh, thank you. And then you go a little further and you fucking don't cut you. Jesus Christ. And then there's a bunch of them liking that response and then a bunch of people piling on and you got to realize this.
First of all, they don't even know you're a real human. A lot of people have never met anyone famous. They are looking at, and a lot of them are 15. Like when I always say that if I had a Twitter account when I was 15, I would have said horrible shit to famous people. Just to get a ride. Just to see if I can get them to react. It's not even things that they necessarily mean. They don't know you. Unless they meet you, they don't even really know you. But that people take it to heart so much that they kill themselves?
You know what, a few of these K-pop stars have killed themselves. Really? Look that up. From the social media. Yes, I think so. I think that's the main reason. Jesus Christ. And these are, you know, pop stars. Yeah. I can't imagine Bobby Sherman, you know, 1968, reading his fan mail. Imagine going, this is what hates me too.
Elvis had a trip Twitter account. Hey, man. We'll fuck you give a shit. So it's 14. We like each other, man. Yeah, come on. What the fuck? I ain't a pervert. Yeah, fuck Well, maybe he could have used social media back then that's it right. That's the balance like you don't want Jerry Lee Lewis marrying his cousin and drowning his wives And you also don't want Elvis fucking 14 year olds. Maybe you'd be better. I yeah, so maybe a little bit I
There's a balance to be achieved. I often wonder what my life would have been like as a teenager with this stuff, because maybe it would have made me kill myself. But I was painfully shy, couldn't really talk to a girl. If I had been able to text them, I think I would have said some clever shit. Exactly. I think I could have done really well.
with that. I would have had a lot of dick pictures floating around, 100%. I would have sent it to everybody.
When you fucking dumb and young, you have no idea that's going to last forever. I thought that was a humble brag about his dick. No! No, it's a regular dick. Just any old dick. I'd send people other people's dicks, but I would just think that the whole idea about it. It's got them boys love dick pic. They draw it in the end. Yeah, they're crazy. Remember that scene in what was the fucking movie super bad? That was one of my favorite scenes in a movie ever, where he just drawn dicks in class all this? It's fucking hilarious.
Because it's so true. That's so true. Yeah. Look, we got real lucky that we are not held up to the standards that kids are today because everything they do today that they put online, they're going to put a lot of things online. It's permanent forever. I couldn't imagine something that I said when I was 14 being permanent.
And that points me back to this thing about this football player and things that people write on Twitter. It's something that Louis CK said to me recently, we're talking about this. He said, people look at stuff when it's written down like it's different, but it's just talk. It's talk, but it's written. Like people say, oh, she's a fucking bitch. I'm tired of her shit. And then you see her, you're like, oh, I'm sorry. But that's talk.
Right? But when you see it written, it's like, oh my God, did you see what he put on Twitter? Do you see what he wrote? Like you're talking to the whole world now. Right. And you got to realize this is a different thing and then people get a screenshot of it. You can never take it back.
He just said it. We're going to keep it forever. We're going to archive it. Look, he said it. He said, she's a fucking bitch. And there's no just talk anymore, but we're wired for just talk. People are wired for gossip and nonsense talk, especially when you're drinking. But if you're drinking and then you get on Twitter, oh.
You could say the dumbest shit ever. You could take your life. And people have. Yeah. Well, Justine Socko, that famous case. Yes, that was one of the first ones, the one who was on. Yeah. As soon as she got off the flight. Her life was upside down. Right, yeah. I mean, it's almost comical except for her. It's comical. You know, she gets on a plane and tweets that she thinks something is funny. And then by the time the plane lands her life's over, by the way, Family Guy did a hysterical version of that where Brian, the dog, goes,
into the theater. He tweets something going into a theater, and it's semi-racist, and then by the time he comes out of the movie, his life is destroyed by the Twitter mob. There's literally a mob outside his house. We're not designed for permanence like that.
Did you be able to just express yourself loosely? It's like if you're gonna write something in a book and publish that book and you're gonna carefully consider every word and then you put that book out and you go, okay, we've gone over it. We've read it. That's a different thing than fuck this guy. So what do you think should go on with Louis CK you mentioned him?
Um, I know more about it than most people because I've talked to Louie about it, but what happened versus what's being portrayed as what happened. There were, uh, there's a lot of stuff that's just not true. Like he was never blocking anybody's door and what's unfair is that he cannot say it.
If you engage and defend yourself and correct the record, then you make it worse. So you're in this sort of purgatory where if you hear things that are not true, you also cannot say anything about it. That's an unfair place to be. And also, is everything a hanging offense? My problem
with some of the me too stuff and of course I think like every right thinking person it was a great thing that happened that men have been put on notice that you're playing with five fouls and you just can't get away with a lot of the shit you use
particular men in positions of office place, right? I mean, I think let's let's let's also extend it to the fracking industry and McDonald's and every other place in America where probably it's very prevalent. Nobody ever hears about it. But there is just no consistency. Charlie Sheen. Well, I'm not picking on I like him, but he got a Super Bowl commercial last year.
Well, he did way worse things than Louis E.K. Way worse.
You couldn't give Louis, he can't. So people would be like, Louis, see guys in a Super Bowl commercial? That is ridiculous. Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen has no shame. And I know, but he held a knife to his... Did he? That time in Aspen wasn't... He was with the third wife or something, and I seem to remember... But he's done... He's being sued for giving people AIDS. I mean, there's just this litany.
of things that are way worse than whacking off in front of people, which is not cool either, of course. But Louis did apologize and own up to it. And I just think, where is the consistency? And also, is everything a life sentence? Louis is a horrible person forever? Or is there some point where we used to go, yes, a person pays his debt to society in some way?
And then, you're allowed back. I just feel bad for him. I feel like he did weird shit that he shouldn't have done for sure. And I think he knows that. I know he knows that.
But what is the proper punishment? And who decides it? Well, he's definitely working again. So all the people that are complaining and bitching about it. Overseas. No, he's working here. No, he's doing a lot of theaters. He's touring again. Right. Yeah. When you're selling his tickets to his fans, sure.
But he certainly can't do everything he wants to do. Right. And he can. He can still tour, but even if he wants to do a special, boy, who's going to take him up on that? Right. Yeah. Who's going to jump the line? And maybe the proper punishment is another five years before you can have a special. Ooh, that's a long time. Well, I'm just saying, I'm just pulling it out of my ass. I'm just saying, we need some sort of... It's been more than two years. Some sort of Me Too Court that...
We'll hand down a fair and just to find... Judge Rose McGowan presiding. How do you decide when a person has been punished enough and what is the crime? He's got some hilarious bits about it. He goes, the problem was I like jerking off and I don't like being alone.
And I wanted to the rest of the material he does about it, but you know, he asked, he asked, can I jerk off in front of you when they said yes, he did it. It's not a good thing. Nothing's good about any of it, but and he knows it. No, I'm not defending him, but people are portraying it as far worse than like he went up at Skankfest.
in New York and people went crazy and cheered and I reposted the video of it. And someone posted on Twitter one of the rare times, I look, fuck you Joe Rogan, he assaulted women.
No, he didn't. You can't change what assault means. He asked if he could jerk off in front of people and then he did. There's some question as to whether or not he jerked off on the phone with somebody. I don't think that's assault either. It's kind of creepy. Not even kind. I'm sure he would say it's creepy. But we're not talking about someone assaulted people. You can't just change the definitions of the word because it makes you feel better about hating someone.
Now, I also read, but I don't know if it's true, if his management, I think, threatened women who were going to talk about this or prevented someone's career from moving because of this. If that happened, that to me is almost worse. Yes. That's really bad stuff. I don't know if that's true. And he's not allowed to talk to straighten that out.
Well, it's not that he's not allowed to talk. Well, it would be, it would make it work. He's considered talking about it a few times, and I think he just, he decides at the end of the day, it's just better to just keep pushing ahead. Right. And his new hour, apparently, I'm not advertising for it, but from everybody that I heard, it's fucking amazing. Because all the pain and all the craziness, he apparently has a... Talk about new material. Rock and new hour. Right. Talk about something to talk about.
Do you have to get out of here? Because they said you got two hours. It's like 10. I do, because it's like a work night for me. Oh, right. Well, we'll wrap this bad boy up. Tell people when's the new season air? Friday. This Friday. Yeah, the 17th of January. Same bat time, same bat channel, HBO at 10 Eastern. And I guess you can figure out the other time zones from that. And we're going to go back at it again.
Plenty to talk about. Plenty to talk about always. See?
Congratulations, by the way, on making this such a big stop in such an iconic place. You did good. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know what the fuck happened. Stumbled into it. Will you do my show? Sure. OK, I asked you before, and you were very squarely about it. There's so many people. They're all talking over each other for soundbites. You know, I heard you say that once when you were laughing at some guy doing a terrible impression of me. And it's a very Kyle Kalinski. He does a great impression of you.
I didn't know who he was. Have you ever seen the face swap version that he does of you on Instagram? No. I don't know. Find that before we leave. What's that? That's a Klinsky? Sorry. It's not Kyle. No, we don't. We don't have to look at this. I'm leaving. It's amazing. To you, it was amazing. I don't manage. But people have done me and I can laugh at it. He's your face. He's got your face and he's doing an impression of you.
You've never seen this? I saw what, anyway, the point, yeah, it doesn't matter. The point was, what was the point? The point was there's not too many people talking over each other on your show. Correct. I feel like it is to me. It's very difficult to have a conversation when there's so many different people talking. It's such a fundamental criticism of my show. It's not your show, it's just that format, that's the size of that. But that's, I think you're thinking of politically incorrect. No, I'm thinking of your show right now.
Well, I'm there every week, and I monitor it pretty closely. Of course, when you have a panel, which we do, there can be those moments, but we don't book that kind of person and that kind of show. It's not the old, let's get them fighting thing. We don't want that.
Honestly, the number of times when people have been shouting up for each other and you can't hear them is very little. It's not even that they're shouting over each other. It's that if you have a point and you want to talk about something, you got to let it roll around inside your head. So that's your hesitation. But you would be the mid-show guest to my left and it would be a one-on-one. You know, I do a one-on-one twice in the show.
in the middle of the show, I bring out more of a celebrity, usually, to my left. I was the one where Sam Harris started going at it with Ben Affleck because of that. Sam, was your one-on-one? That's right. You picked the one example.
where somebody that's what you're talking about. I think you've seen one show. I saw the one with Milo. I've seen Jordan Peterson. I've seen many shows. We've done number 500. I don't demand that anyone be a fit. I just like honesty. One of my favorite ones was Christopher Hitchens went after most death. Well, he's been dead for like 10 years. So once again, we're establishing
Your knowledge of this show is very limited. I've watched a bunch of episodes. You have to watch Eddie. I don't need you. But I have. I have lots of fans. I don't need one more. What I'm saying is I like you to do it because I think you'd be good and I like listening to you and you'd be to my left one on one. There would be nobody shouting over you because they wouldn't be involved. So you wouldn't have that problem. So will you do it? Yes. Great.
All right. And then we'll work on. And then we'll work on Hawaii. All right. All right. Bill Marley. Thank you. Thank you. Pleasure. Appreciate you being here, man. Yeah. Real fun. Bye, everybody.
