132: You're Outta Line and I'm Outta Time! with Ben Schwartz

With the five-dollar meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.

We gotta find one, Gareth. Hi, Jake. Hi. Hey, Shark. What's up, gang? Hey, Shark. Special guest today, Mr. Ben.

Yeah, we'll keep the intro short because the episode's probably going to be long. Yes. He is so funny, always funny. You know him from kind of everything. He's a guy who's gested in a million things. He's the voice of Sonic. I know him from his live show called Ben Schwartz and friends, which is touring. Touring. If it's coming to a city near you, I highly recommend it. It will be a ton of fun. He said he's going to Australia. We know that, but they do pop around. They do us one weekend a month. Yes.

Ben Schwartz is unthinkably funny on stage and on this episode and in life. Um, if he comes by you, go see the show. Yes. Very funny. So, uh, Hi. Hi, can we get your name, please? Uh, my name is Adam. Adam. And where are you calling from, Adam? Uh, the Boston area. Boston mass. And how old are you, Adam?

uh, 29. Yeah. Young guy. So Adam from Boston, 29. You got a special guest. Um, I know him as one of the funniest guys I've ever met. Uh, one of the best live performers of all time. You know that's true.

We did Ben Schwartz and friends back at UCB years ago. You get that audience in a frenzy. It's a very fun time. We had a great show too. And then you never came back on stage. I get some anxiety. I'd love to have you back. You missed the voice of Sonic. Mr. Ben Schwartz. Hi Boston. How are you today, Bart? You're lucky, Adam. You're lucky. Adam, how are you? I'm doing good. I'm doing well, man. I'm very excited to hear what you have to say.

Better be good at it. Oh boy. And so with that in mind, Adam, what is the issue today? Take your time and let's hear it. All right. Let's see. So earlier in June of this year, my wife and I got married. Congrats. Mazel. Thank you. And you know, beautiful day, the whole nine. And it was an open bar. We did not drink necessarily.

Got a word, Adam, I'm worried, I'm immediately worried. Yeah, there's a lot of weird, like Boston open bar, no drinking. There's some problems already. No, well, they just her and I, we didn't really drink much, but to keep it short, uh, end of the night, last call by our kind of like, we get you guys anything. And I was like, Oh, you know what? I got a cool idea. Can you send a bottle of champagne into our room? And it was like, they did. All right. We go up to the room in the wife and of the night.

The whole hotel room has a big, like, soccer tub type thing for two people. Sure. Let's play. All right. Let's have a bottle of wine. Let's go in the tub. And, uh, this is hot. Well, you know, again, we'll see. That's all it does. I banged her in the tub. That's, and in theory, that's what I was going for. You know, I'll get frisky like kittens, but.

The problem is here. I'm so nervous. Are you guys not nervous? He's doing a great job. Oh my God. Okay. So we're there. We got a bottle of champagne. We got a tub. So she goes to, you know, you know, dress. She goes to the bathroom and then she goes to climb in the tub and it's just a clump of toilet paper hanging out of her ass.

What? And I just, I clocked it out and I never told her. Wait, wait, you pulled it out? Wait, did you see? Wait, hold on. I got to stop you, Adam. What it? What is the not drinking it? You're wedding, if anything to do it. What is the champion? He's never been more sober. What a fucking sober look over here. What a look over here. No drinking. I want to emphasize that. I don't want you guys to think that you were drunk or anything. Oh, understood.

So she took a shit, she took a shit and then you guys were going to go in the thing. And so like what I do with my dog when she eats grass, you pulled it out, you pulled the toilet wrap with, you said without her knowing, which to me sounds impossible. I don't think she never, she never acknowledged what she got to say. Thank you. You're welcome.

Okay, so hold on Adam. I'm trying to get on top of this. I've got three follow-ups when Jake has done When you pulled it out was there anything on the toilet paper where did you see shit or no I? Grabbed it and I just come to behind me. I didn't care what? It was like you just threw it

I just threw it behind me. I just, I didn't know, I didn't want to spoil the moment, but I mean, it most certainly did for me. Okay. Yeah, of course it did. Ben, did you have any other follow up? I have two more if you need them. Please. One of them is, did you give like an Indiana Jones quip like looks like both of us need a bath now or something like that? Did you hit her with some real snazzy wear? Like, yeah, did you absolutely crush James Bond? I was, you know, I was trying to live in the moment of the wedding and I was like, I don't want this to ruin it. And yeah, it was like,

That's just been, it's been hovering that definitely put a, uh, plan to get punched in the face. That's right. Yeah. Okay. So any last of course I have a final, uh, and then when you got in that tub, what did, did sexual things happen or was the situation a little bit? And also it's your first, it's your first night where you have, you are now consummating your marriage. I don't need to need specifics. I just need to know.

and I would like to say, well, just care for sure. I don't want him, but I'm with Garrett. He's going to slow. I just need a basic. Yes. Can we buy the dingleberry? And so just to get in this, just to get in this quick before we hear what happened, because I think the question is going to have something to do with the vibes a little bit at the night wasn't great, but I could be wrong. But just to recap,

You went out on your wedding. You didn't get drunk. For some reason you told us there was a bottle of champagne. Is that the scene? How disappointing was it? That was the whole point of the bottle of champagne was to enjoy it in the bathtub. Oh, okay. So she goes before it's going to be like a special moment where we just share some champagne. I can't paint it. I love it. So can the tub and reach out the night.

But all I could think was just about that goddamn toilet paper. So what happened then, Adam? So she gets in the tub. She's crawling in. She's finally out of her dress. You're all excited. You see a little toilet paper, you reach, you throw behind you, then walk us through what happened after that. After that, just didn't bring it up. Nothing happened in the tub once a bed. You know, we did our thing. And that was kind of the end of the night, but

It's just, this has been on my brain and it's like something that I just keep on. You're all asking, was there sex after you found that? Yeah, because he said, did our thing. I think that, yeah, you keep kind of. Oh, yeah, you got you. Okay, that a boy. So sex and bed, but not the toy. Oh, yeah. No, I still got for you. Yeah, just, just, uh, this has been here from New York. Just so, um, I, I'm on the same page. You don't have a kink about toilet paper, just gently rolling out of an asshole, right? She didn't know that was plain to winter kinks.

No sir. No sir. No sir. If so, this is a different call. Yeah, that's what I... But I agree. I like the way... Now we ask you a question. Does he need help with or the help is... Well, we're gonna get there. Oh my God, I can't believe there's more. So now we have a pretty clean setup. The night you did have set up... Finally. Yes, agreed for her. Then what specifically can we help you with today? Oh my God, I love this fucking show. Make that the clip. Keep going.

well just uh... you know uh... better not be weak at this is my first time it better not be fucking with that uh... you know how do i tell her

uh... do i bring it up where is our wedding night put on the phone at home now yet now yet we might end there but we really follow-ups yet we really might we have had people back three or four times how long and this is in june uh... for sure yet okay this is a june so since that's a lot of sugar you've been kind of mentally battling the fact that you saw this uh... i'm guessing this hasn't happened again like we're not talking about it if so this is a different if you know that

Okay. Not a repeat offender or anything. Okay. Um, and then you're, you're obviously still having a, uh, sexual relationship with your wife, but it just bothers you and it's just kind of nagging at you a little bit. And it probably makes you like, I mean, it matters. And it had to make you question the practices a little bit. Yes.

I would love to throw you on them. Oh, that's interesting. But I would love to tease you, Adam, and make it seem like you're a maniac, but I can relate. Oh, yeah. There are little, like, every once in a while, there's a smell or something that happens that you're like, I can't get it out of my head. We're at a house. Can I tell you something else that I've talked to my friends about this exact thing where

Maybe this isn't the form to bring it up in, but we'll do it anyway. Adam's here, we gotta do it. When we learn how to wipe our asses when we're young, nobody can show you literally how to do it. So I think that everybody wipes their ass a little bit different and some people wipe their ass inefficiently. You're not wrong. So, but this to me is like, am I one of those people that are inefficient? I'm not leaving shit in my asshole and walking around to a bathtub, but I'm like, this is an important thing for three, four people to chat about. How do you think, because obviously your wife,

She has a method where it seems as if she, when she wipes, she puts her, she might help me out, help me out so I don't talk like a bad guy. She's really pushing in there. Yeah, she's pushing in there and she didn't release. So when you guys wipe. Or she was sweaty.

Oh, that's interesting. And she's been dancing all day. I don't think this is a fundamental flaw. I think it's a weird night. I think that's right. Because it's also a dress white. She has that big fucking dress on. That's got to be a little bit of a heightened wipe experience. Also, it's a wipe wedding. It was a shot. It's a big time for a wipe wedding. So I'm going to just try to get us out of her wiping. And I'm going to tell you why. Because she's not the one who called.

I can't wait to find out how you wipe. If you're able to share that, I can't wait. Who, me? Yeah, you. I just know it's fucking dirty. It's totally true. My day, baby.

Do you? Do you bidet? Well, that's gonna be part of my advice is the little tushy. While we're doing songs. It's a beautiful bidet. What do you say? A little tushy. It's just like the Howard Stern thing? No, because he's got the Japanese toilet. I don't do that. I would love to try. But no, it's like a little attachment you put on your toilet seat. That's what everybody has. Yes. It's big in the... How do you like that?

I have those, uh, cotton, uh, wet wipes. That's, that's good too. Yeah. Yeah. But guys, we got to get back to the premise. Yeah. Sorry. Adam, your specific question then, and you take over if I'm saying it wrong is after this night, it's lingering in your head. Yeah. What do you do now? Is that correct? Or you said, do I tell her?

Well, I guess the combination of do I tell it, do I let it go, you know, where it was the wedding night, I don't want to tarnish it on her end, but I just, yeah, when I think wedding, every time it's brought up, I just think about that little bit of the toilet paper. So let me ask you a real question, Adam. How much are you thinking about this toilet paper in the ass? And I need a real answer. Is it like it comes up once, if someone says wedding, that's all you think, or is this an issue? Is it linked with sexual stuff now?

Now with sexual stuff it's more linked with like the wedding itself just every time we talk about the wedding because obviously

What happened now? That's like the whole story of the song. So you look at a wedding photo of you guys. You're imagining toilet paper and ask, but regular Wednesday night after work, you're not thinking toilet paper in the ass. That's that's where I'm stuck. Okay. So I'm starting to get it. So not be able to talk about your wedding without thinking about that. It is a little bit of a, but I know, but I know like you can get over this. This is 100% bring it up. I know my pitch. Well, you already know it. Yeah. What? Never teller.

It will crush her. I don't believe that's what you think. I don't. You think you would never tell her? You imagine telling a woman on your wedding night, my dear. And she's like, by the way, the photos turned out great. And you go, they look beautiful. And she goes, and everyone was so sweet. Like, everybody came who we wanted to come. And then we did the dance. And she goes like, dancing with my dad. Like, I didn't think I was going to get emotional. And he goes, oh, yeah? The end of the night, you had toilet paper and you fucking ass. All she's going to take away is

You know what, Adam? Swallow this grenade and die without it. Wow. This is yours, yours alone. She made a human mistake. I'm so interested with Gatsby. Maybe this is what the podcast is that you guys look different. Yeah, I mean, I would agree. The fact that he keeps thinking about it is a problem. I would say if you're going to tell her, you want to find a way to not make it like a TP intervention. Right. So what I would maybe do is I would maybe

Find a way to

I know it's from Medford right there, Boston. We know exactly where you are. We know exactly where you fucking work. You don't think your wife listens to this podcast. Tom Holland's brother listens to the podcast. You don't think your wife listens to the podcast. Just so you know. Do you have fear that he's going to make this podcast? I would say.

more than likely not. No. Okay. So then, Ben, what's your pitch? So I may don't tell, Gareth is bring up the conversation that you had toilet paper and go ahead. I also think there, if we find out her general disposition, there is a world where we do call.

her. Yeah, man, I think this is a big mistake. This is fucking insane. This is what you guys do. Yeah. You ruin people's relationship. No, we say on it. Okay, so we're going to get a bell. We're going to have moonshot. We're going to pitch all of our ideas. Then we're going to go to him. He's going to say what he likes. And then we're going to pitch on that and come up with a solution that he's happy with.

We're just pitching to him. Is it a media gratification where when we figure out what to do, we do it right then? Sometimes, depending on the thing. Oh my God, I'm fucking anxious for you, Adam. So what do you think? First of all, Adam, get a divorce. No, okay. If it was me, I have a problem with spiraling where if I think it's something I can't stop thinking about it and it gets in the way of me enjoying other things, if you're like that, which maybe you're not, but I would have to say, if it's bothering me so much, I would have to say something.

Unless you know it's something that would break her. Okay. You're Adam. You're the wife. Thank you. Let's just see what happens. Absolutely. Oh, gosh. I'm so tired out. I know. Do you want to order a bottle of champagne after we have a drink all night?

Um, sure. I guess that way. Are we doing right now? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, you're recreating the white night. What do you mean, a bottle of what's happening? Get a bottle of shit. Do you remember on? Do you remember, um, first of all, how fun was our fucking way? Oh my God. That's why we have all those pictures on the wall. They're gorgeous. All those. And they're kind of tilted to the side, but I can bring them back towards the way of looking at us. What I'm thinking is, um,

Do you remember when we got home? This is supposed to tell? Yeah. When we got home home. This has kind of been bothering me. First of all, the wedding was amazing. I love the wedding. This has nothing to do with the wedding not being amazing. What's going on? It's literally so stupid, but you're going to laugh about this because I think it's a little already. It's very funny.

Okay, so remember how we were virgins on our wedding night? Yes. And then we said we're going to have sex in this tub. The tub sex. Yes. So you went to the bathroom and I don't know what happened, but on the way back, you're going to laugh at this.

You had, okay, do you know like, okay. Bunnies. Bunnies had these little white puffy tails in the back. Sure, they're tails. So you walked behind and I was like, what is that? Did she have a little, a funny little, you had, so you took a, so this is what happened. So you went to the bathroom. Yeah, I remember. And I think you went, you took a poop.

Is that true? Is that? I don't know why. Where's this guy? I don't know. You got a piece of toilet paper hanging out of your asshole. What do you mean? And like almost like a thing about the foot. You know like when magicians take out like a... Hey Ben. I got to jump in here. Yeah. That was Ben on the couch talking to him for Adam. How is this going to help him?

Let me finish. You know how like the magicians pull out that big thing and just keep coming up? So I took out this toilet paper and just kept coming out of your asshole, like a snake coming out of it. Yeah. Adam. But the funny thing is, I just want to say, because I think about it all the time, but I was like, I think we would laugh about this. So you had a tiny bit of toilet paper and I just pulled out and threw it to the side. You've pulled toilet, a piece of toilet paper. Just a tiny little, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that funny? I, it is kind of funny. All right, Adam.

It is kind of funny. I was making it more comedic, but you could do that way. Adam, do you, do you think in reality in your version with her, she's going to end the way this version ended? Cause my two senses, I don't know a woman in the world who's at the end of that going to go. It is kind of funny that you pulled toilet paper out of my house, but I want to hear from you in real life. I think.

She would just be mortified. Yes. All right. Would she get over it, Adam? Would she get over it? Hard to say. I think she would.

but just I think she'd be afraid of like any joke making between us. Well, that doesn't happen. And I don't think it. But now let's say I'm going to be able to help myself but make a joke. Adam, do you see any world where you're going to tell her? But I want the truth. If it is, we could help there. But right now we've given this is crazy. This is intense. You tell her you don't tell her. I definitely want to tell her. You do want to tell her. Man, man. Tell me why you want to tell her because I think you're me. Tell me why you want to tell her.

It's just one of those get it off your chest type things or it's like sort of you know it can I ask you just get it out of your ass kind of things it's like get it off your chest pull it out your butt can I ask you a Question this is a psychology question Do you think part of you telling us is to now force you to tell her like you're telling us kind of puts the pressure on you like fuck now I kind of have to tell it very interesting good question very interesting absolutely

My man, my absolute man. So, okay, so if he wants to tell her, then it really is about how we look at Chink. Yeah, how do you do it? I think we're, by the way, I'm just saying now before we pitch, we're not having our own. That's going to be too much of a stomach. I agree. I don't want to be involved. I agree. I agree. This won't air. Let's be honest. We just, we just did one, actually, where the woman called back and our advice led to a really big fight. I can't do it. I can't, you can't up your spot. This is what it looks like.

Yeah, agree. You have to make their decision. It's always their decision. Yes, legally. But you are peer pressuring them a little bit if you're like, if you guys like. No, so we at times we are a hundred percent and that one we were very confident and it did go sideways. What was that one? Something like, I feel like something stupid.

You said it was a Ben Affleck J-Lo thing, right? Yeah, we were with J-Lo. And what happened? They got divorced. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're right. They got divorced. That was us. That's a huge, huge way. Yeah, Adam, can we try something just to see what zone you're in? Do you mind being her?

I would love to. What's her name? Oh, I'm going to make her name. Ellen. I don't want to know. Adam, will you give Ben a little info about Ellen so that it feels because I want to feel how it might actually feel. Is she chatty? Is she silly? Is she quiet? What kind of lady is she? But not too much of her friends. I know you're talking about it right now. Right. I would say she's more on the silly side, big into sitcoms and such like that. Just definitely silly.

Go Facebook. Yeah. I mean, so she might have, she might have fun with this. Oh, I think this is going to be fun. I think I think he could have fun. Okay. I'm just afraid of it being attached to the wedding. Right. So, so we need to figure out how you to frame this so that she can have fun with it. Yeah, this is smart. This is nice. You guys. Yeah. Okay. I am channeling Ellen. I am Ellen. I am ready for you, Adam. Adam, start whenever you want. Think.

levity, lightness, fun, charm, not. Am I playing this for real or for comedy? Real? A little bit of both. Sorry, Adam. Make it your own. If you got it. Yeah. Let's be honest. Come on. Whatever happened. Shout out. OK, ready? Whenever you are ready, Adam, we want her to laugh at this and not feel like she ruined the wedding by being a disgusting animal. Yes, she didn't ruin it. She didn't ruin it. Nobody was there. She made it. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da. Here, I'm watching friends. Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Hey, girl.

What's up, boy? Adam, did you see this episode of Friends? This is the one where they actually find out that Ross and Rachel, they're going to kiss. I appreciate you using regular voice. If I do, I don't know what nationality she is, I don't want to go crazy. Unless Adam, do you need me to do a higher voice for you? That'd be sweet. Yeah. Okay. Wow. That'd be sweet. Hey, can we start again with, hey, girl? Okay, I'll pick a different

Maybe you're seeing a piece of property in French, haven't you? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Don't rush and bother me. Don't rush. All right. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Sounds and bother me a little bit that I want to, you know, kind of run by. Was it the end of some promos? We got the champagne sent to the room and, you know, we asked that we asked that we asked if they could send it up to the room. I absolutely remember. That was so cute to you.

Hey, it was cool. And obviously we get up there and like, you know, again, on dress, ready for a bath. You had to go to the bathroom. Yeah, I'm okay. And yeah, well, when you climb into the tub, there was, um,

I don't know how to say it, but there was just the clump of toilet paper stuff. Yes, and I'm sorry. I just like close it off. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Let me just pause boy meets world. How many seconds you watching? How many screens you got on here? What? What do you mean by? I'm so sorry. What do you mean by clump? Like a piece of toilet paper? What is it? Because I didn't hear clump before. What is clump?

clumps like a long way to know it's not that you know i think it would look like a couple people told people for that okay okay so what what oh my god but i didn't see it in the tub so what happened i went in the tub and i didn't see anything come up

Well, as you're climbing in I just like grabbed it and I just kind of crossed it behind us by like the toilet. Oh my god, that is the sexiest thing I have ever heard in my life. No way spin doctor spin doctor. I cannot believe spin doctor. Oh fuck. How can I think of one spin doctor song? Someone please two princess Brains is here before you wait. Okay, so wait was that?

Does that spin doctor? Yeah. Nice, both of you guys. Now go ahead now. So you are a hundred percent, you think it's a good idea to tell your wife that two months ago, on the night of your guys' wedding,

She had one little blunder. She had a tiny piece of fucking toilet paper in between her fucking butt cheeks for one second, and you, Adam, can't fucking deal with a bad memory.

You okay? Sorry, blood is coming to Jake's nose. What? You know what Adam? I'm gonna talk to you now like you're my son. Oh my god. Here we go. You know what? It's not good, by the way. You're a guy from Massachusetts? Uh oh. Oh shit. Deal with it. Oh my god. Guess what? You know what's gonna happen one day when a baby pops out of her? You're gonna see a lot more than fucking toilet paper. Okay, Jake, I think you're gonna blow a little bit. Pull your big boy pants up and deal with it. You got a beautiful wife. You're a 29 year old kid. You're happily married. Never tell this woman there was a clump of toilet paper in your fucking ass.

right now. You're out of line. Who? And I'm simply out of time. This court's out of order. What?

certainly i don't think i don't think a few good men started and you're out of time and you're out of time you're out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time is a direct alpagino again and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of time and i'm out of

So what do you think, Adam? Adam, where are you? Let's get clean on this for a second. What are you actually feeling? And then we're going to tighten up and we're going to help you figure this out. Wow. Unbelievable. Yeah, I think I'm still going to try to find a way to tell her. So then if you tell her, here's my honest advice to you.

I think you need to say, I want to make something crystal clear. This is not a big deal. This is my issue, not yours. I think that's right. All right. Listen, there are people who go to war and have to come back and just sit with the secrets in their head. So you just, you might, I think just you have tea tea. Yes.

I mean, we're talking about people like they've killed people. Are you saying he's not a big that's shouldn't be deals to bring it up? Are you saying I'm saying I'm saying live with the secret for at least a year and then and then at that point. We got to have an idea. I have an idea. I have an idea. What about this? What about this? Yeah, on your 15th anniversary of the Dingleberry, I think.

You've saved it all this time. I think this is what you do. You'll be like, hey, this thing happened. I just want to know if you knew it happened, right? Because she must have. You can't pull out something from someone's asshole. That's interesting. I was like, what if you're like, did you know? I mean, did you know? Ooh, this is right. I like wedding day. I like that. So you don't have to. Yeah, so I think Adam jumped in. I didn't want you to be embarrassed or anything like that. No, I wouldn't even go embarrassed. I wouldn't even go, I would go. It's like, that's a good note. No embarrassed. That's a good note. I would do it a game, Adam. I would go, I just need to know something.

That's right. This is, this is the way to do it. We just figured it out. Get her on the phone. Nope. Nope. Okay. Sorry. But here's honestly, that's right. Adam, here's what I would do. Here would be my play. Cause it's shocking. Will you be her? Sure. I need to ask you some, and this could be drinking. Okay. This goes to go, Hey girl. Hey, hey, gunga, already better. Gunga, gunga, gunga. Jesus, that's a lot. So I got to ask something cause I just honestly don't know. Yeah. Okay. I honestly don't know. This is about what?

On our wedding night, when you got into the tub, do you remember I grabbed something from your butt or no? What? You don't remember? No. It's too harsh to be there. You're the right world. What do you mean? You're Adam, I'm her. Great. And I'm going to try to do it like her. I'll be Billy Crystal and forget Paris. Great. Fantastic. That's it. Hey, I have to, there's something that I just am so curious about just from like almost like a Mythbusters standpoint, the night of our wedding. OK.

When you got into the tub that night, do you remember this? I feel like you must have noticed that I did something to your butt. That's right. That's right. That's right. Yeah, I do. OK, do you know what I was doing? Because you didn't even say anything. Well, I didn't know what you were doing. Because I ate my butt a little hole. Yeah, close. Well, what I did was I pulled a little piece of TP out. That's right. What?

I didn't feel it. I didn't know that. I knew that. This is great. Are we getting this? This is great. Adam, what do you think about doing? It's not an issue. It's not a problem. Yes. You've been wondering if she knew. That's what I'm saying. I agree. What do you think? Yes. I think that's definitely the right way to go about it. We bring it on the phone. I'll do it from here. So let's hear you do it.

Oh, yeah, I just kind of bring it up in a sense of love. Hey, Kevin, you're going to be her. Wow. Kevin B. Allen. We've all been hurt so much. And you're going to be, you be you and let's hear. Oh, it will be the three amigos. Yes. Nope. We should do the little buttercup. Okay. As the sweetest smile. Adam, I wanted to see this at the best of your ability. This is real, Adam. Don't commit to it. Hey, girl.

Uh, do you have a night in the wedding? Like at some point, I like just like, as you were climbing in the top, like I touched your body. I mean, I'm sure you did. I don't, I guess I don't remember a specific instance of it. All right. Don't worry about it.

Thank you for the call. Unbelievable. All right. Take care of it. Follow up. Follow up Adam. Take care. Bye. Bye. Thank you guys so much.

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And we are brought to you by Squarespace. We love and adore Squarespace. We want to have Squarespace as a guest on the show, but they have repeatedly told us that there's not a person. But we would love to meet the guy or the woman, whatever it is. Look, they legitimize your website. My website is Squarespace. Kevin's website is Squarespace.

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Head to squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code GIL. Hello. Hi, can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Meg. Okay. And where are you calling from, Meg? Lincoln, Nebraska. Oh, Nebraska. Cool. And about how old are you?

23 23 you like bands you like music. I like music. Yeah, who's your favorite musician currently? Probably Lana del Rey or Taylor Swift friends of the show Yeah So Meg from Nebraska you like Taylor Swift you got me and Garfun. Obviously you got the shark and you've got mr. Ben Short the voice

of Sonic. Hi, how are you? The leader of Ben Schwartz and friends who, if you're in an area that's doing live. Oh, yeah. Go see it later. Go see it. You got to come see it. Are you going to Nebraska? I'm not going to Nebraska, but surely there's a state right now. You're playing. I'll take a plane. I'll take a plane. All three are here. What can we do for you today? Okay. So mine is kind of short, but basically I've noticed that my boss

Um, individually plucks what I can only assume is her leg care from her legs with tweezers when she's like on a long work call and she seemingly gets bored. And I guess I want it to stop.

Of course you do. But I don't know how, and I don't want it to come from me. Understood. This is a great call. Yes. Fuck. So, question. This was discussed to me more than our last call from the other one. Of yours. Yeah, this is very bothered. So, you mean she plucks them? And then, like, it's a weird habit, and then just puts the hairs down? Yeah, where are the hairs going?

I don't know where the hairs go. She's just fucking and dropping. Get close enough to her to like watch where they go. But I think they just go back on to her leg or the ground or whatever. Meg Bench words here. I play Dewey Duck and Duck Tales. I got a question for you. Is she in a different, is she in a different office that is like kind of closed off and you have to how to really look to see this? Or is it an open space where she's right next to you? Like everybody can fucking see it. That's a good question.

It's an open space. Everybody can see it. I just looked over one day and realized that's what she was doing.

Um, we have our own desk, but it's very open. So just walk us through, Meg, when you first saw it, how it happened, what you saw. So basically she's on a call. She's got tweezers. She's wearing some skirt. And so she's shaves her legs before I'd imagine it worked and then plucks the loose ones. Walk me through it. I'm not fully getting it, but I am with Gareth. Somehow it's disgusting, but I don't quite get it.

I mean, they're really small, so I don't actually see it happening. I see her picking at her leg with tweezers. Okay. So a little blonde hair. Okay. It could be like hair, but it could also be skin. I've seen her picking at her feet before. Oh, lead with that. What?

She feeds this at work. Okay. And so you're seeing this feeling herself. Is she on LSE? But it's not about the hair or the skin remaining. It's about the act of doing it is grossing you out and you want that act of her picking her leg stuff to stop. Is that correct?

Yes, correct. Meg, this is Ben Schwartz. I played Rabbi, and this is where I leave you. What I'm thinking is this. It's making me look inward and think about what kind of weird shit do I have any things where I'm like, I would never do that. As you're doing it, I was twirling this. Exactly. I wonder if someone finds that. But I think it's almost like when I see people clipping nails in public, that's like, oh, man, now all that dead stuff is around, right.

I was like, I wonder, has she ever seen you looking? Again, this is Ben. I played Leo in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Let's hear it. Let's hear Leo. Oh, no, we see. By the way, I call bluff, prove it. Eyes closed. I want to hear Leo. Leo is my own voice. Dewey Duck was higher. I should have said Dewey. And I want to hear Dewey. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

It's real. Oh, he's the real deal. You know, Maggie ain't fully shit. Okay. So Gareth, what do we got on this one? Where are you at? What other coworkers are you commiserating over this? Are people talking or is this just kind of your own little private prison? It's kind of private. I could bring it up to another coworker that sits in like her direct vicinity and could see, but

I'm not really sure if she would care. She kind of had her own. Yeah. I would think for the pitches, for the pitches you're going to get from me, do not tell anyone else you work with. Yeah. So it's got to be pretty. Really? Yeah. Because I think, well, I wish I knew if it was leg hair, she's plucking. This is a huge part for me as well. Because if it is, I can pitch in that direction. If it is,

I would recommend an anonymous waxing gift certificate. No. And on the memo line, you write for your leg and you drop. No. You drop it on the desk. So she's doing it for a nervous tick. That's right. But I think that I'll do this. But that's just a way. My pitch is just a way to say, hey, cool it. Notice. You know that's a terrible pitch. You know it's a terrible pitch. Even when you're pitching it, I could tell it's a terrible pitch. And I know you know it. No, I don't. I now I know it. I've been doing this for a while with him. He does it.

Yeah, really? You think that's not a joke thing? Not saying a word, but giving this woman. You need to get your fucking life in violent work. It's starting to feel waxed. But I hear what I'm saying. Well, you're all even something. Here's an all-pitch. You'll need this one too. Yeah, I then don't say it. Steal the tweezers.

Yeah, steal it. Who are you? I thought about that. She thought about that. There we go. Then you got the murder weapon, kid. Now, what are you going to do with it? Smoking guns in your hand? We would get more. I know. That's the problem. I think this is what you do. I think if you see it one time, if you see it happening, look at it for a second. And then you could look at her for a second and look it away. And I think she would get so embarrassed. She would stop.

I have a pitch on that pitch. Or I think just if it's like a tick and she's just like rubbing her leg, she's allowed to do that. That's not weird. Yes. But she's picking her leg. But I have a pitch on Ben's pitch. Go. It's not going to be easy. What I'm going to say is going to be wrong. Some resume stuff real quick. Just I feel like that's locked us in a little bit better when Ben's. Oh, sorry. Ben Schwartz. I was the I was the third on the call sheet in house a lot. I had a double trailer. Thank you. Interesting. Hey, it's me Clyde Oberholt. He's real.

That one got me. Here's my pitch, Meg, and it's not going to be right, but there might be a zone here. When she starts messing with her legs, hit an air horn. It's crazy. It's right. So I know that's not right. But what we're looking to do is this. She's like this. Yeah, hello.

I think you can't do that to your boss. You can't do that to your boss. I agree, but there could be something. I agree. Here's what I got. Ready for this? I'm almost thinking you don't do anything. Keep your own. I want you to get your own set of tweezers.

Okay. And I want you to start doing it on the calls when she's doing it. Now, she's the weirdo acting, you know, but it's acting like we're acting like we're acting like it's like how peanut shells end up on a bar floor. One psycho started. So I would say, I would say, just start doing it just because we're now allowing smoking in the office. Make an answer question. Yes. What would Lana Del Rey do in this situation? That's a great question.

I think she would probably just be like, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, you think she would say something? So, Meg, are you thinking of talking to her about it? God, that's too much. Boss employee, I don't know if it's wise, but is that what you're thinking? I think if she don't, like, if we go off the page of, like, she gives me looking at her. That's what I'm saying. He inclined to be like,

Are you okay? Okay, so your gut feeling is possibly entered the world of concern. Is that correct or not?

Because there is a world where she goes, we could, and we've pitched on stuff like this before by just saying like, hey, FYI, I heard this thing where if you pluck the hair, you could create a whole rash thing. So I'm just saying like be careful with over plucking hairs on legs. She goes, I noticed you do it, I do it too.

just as a heads up. So the woman goes like, Oh, shit. I guess I'm in her world. Now she could talk to you about it. Your buddies. You're in. Yeah, exactly. Sorry to overstep. If I offend you, ignore me, but I saw you plucking and I do that too. And what it could lead to is ingrown hair. Absolutely. That could be like such an issue. I had a cousin who I could do. I can't believe you guys are the people who host this show.

I cannot believe it. You don't think that's right. Meg, when you listen to this show, do you think the advice they give out is one through 10, 10 being the best advice you ever heard, one being like, never listen to that? What do you think the average is? Because I'm just catching up right now. Be honest, Meg. It depends. It depends. I need to give me the average. Yeah, go ahead. Seven. I'll take a seven. Seven is great. Seven is unbelievable. I think a seven is unbelievable. And then how do you feel like they're handling this today? One through 10. I mean, I think

Pretty well, maybe like eight. I'm not going to say that I see that as well. I feel like I'm taking crazy. Probably hurt. So what do you do? How nervous were you getting during that? I was. I thought you was going to say six. Whatever she said, we were both going to say pretty good. Yeah, it is really good. But if she went like this for, I was going to go pretty good. So no, I agree. I agree. But I'm happy with this. So Ben, you're taking crazy pills. We're doing a better job. Hold on. The floor is yours.

I would love to. So, Mega, this is what I think, this is what I think. Benchworts, Undercovers, JJ Abrams, Direct to the Pilot. This is what I think for real. I think, if she notices you looking once, I mean, you don't do it crazy. But if she noticed the pilot, that show got picked up. Well, JJ directed the pilot, then we had other... You just wanted him? It's impressive. It's impressive. So, but the show's going right now. And Josh Reams directed it. Like, three guys are under the business. The show is called... Stop. Undercomers, I watched it.

Yeah, so you don't say that Jay Jay. Did he not? Did he not undercover? Okay, make that's it now. I'm taking crazy pills and you know it I know it's called undercover. That's all right. I'm taking the crazy pills out of your pocket. She floors yours.

I'm sorry about that. Okay, I think if she, do you think, Meg, just being you right now, the guys, the guys went home, the guys went home. If you, if you think she saw, if you think she saw you see, if you think she knew that you saw that, what do you think her real reaction would be? No jokes, what do you think her real reaction would be? Do you think she'd care?

no i honestly don't think she would care because she knows she's in a public office like it people that i would be inappropriate right that's not what one of the things in public office that would be like an inappropriate thing to do or is it i don't know what the etiquette of course hey johnson jay kazin uh... pilot called new girl

That's smart. He directs the pilot. Yes. I didn't know that. I'm so happy to know that information now. That's unbelievable. Yeah. Stop going. This is a word to some big people. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. She knows she's plucking her hair. Yes. Yes. She's she's got a tick. Yes. She has a tick. We're dealing with somebody who is doing something but she's not it's like she's like on a business call in her own little space. Yeah. Going like this.

I do stuff like that. I know I'm worried about it. Not at work. I wouldn't do that at work. But I don't think she's going to remember. I don't think she knows. I don't think she is kind. I know, but that's what, so that's what I think like a way to stoke her into being like, hey, you're doing this. Is Giver the wax or something? No way. How often have you seen her do this? Is it just one time? Okay. I got one. I got one. And you're going to hate this one. I think that would make. Just answer me that. How often have you seen her do this just one time?

I've seen her do the leg thing twice. I've seen her pick out her feet numerous times. What is the picking at the feet? Yeah, that's a problem. How are her feet exposed? Yes. Sandals. And what is she picking her feet with her fingers or the tweezers? Usually it's fingers, but it's, I haven't seen her messing with her feet since she started up with the tweezers and the legs.

I got a note for you, Meg, and I love you, and we're going to solve this problem. To me, the feet is by far a more egregious... I agree. That to me is fucking like... That's shocking. Here's what I'm going to say. You called about the tweezer leg problem. I think there's a way where we can try to attack that problem, and maybe that sends a message to the body of your boss. This is going to be 0 for 3. I think you're going to strike out right now. I got a strong feeling. Go for it. Confidence, confidence.

You also said COVID wasn't real at the beginning. And it wasn't. Keep going, Gareth. Okay. Buy her a pair of tweezers, nice ones, and give them to her. And be like, hey, I see you doing this with your leg. These are like the best tweezers for hair extraction.

I want to keep going, keep going. I'm listening. Unfortunately, I'm near the end. Yeah, that was it. But it's to get, I hear what you're saying. You're just trying. You're just trying. Positive spin on the, what the fuck is going on? So what is the real pitch if you have a boss do it? Take away feet, take away tweezers. Your boss does something weird. It's ruining your vibe. She's the boss. Yeah. So you can't say, hey, cool it. No, you get fired. Yeah. How do you tell somebody who is in a position of power this weird tick you do? Doctors no.

far from me out tough also make is it affecting your work i think sometimes like i'm taking a really long lunch right now yeah to do this call though that's why i think i get on the phone right now so that here's my honest don't do not do not do it here's my real pitch to you

fake concern, Garra said doctors, no, but I would lean into that zone and I would say, hey girl, just wanna let you know, I've seen you doing something that my cousin did and you're pukling out hairs and she goes, I am and you go, obviously none of my business, I'm just saying this out of concern. She did it, it led to a really bad rash. Is that true?

Is this true? Is this medically true? Look how good it is. Oh, of course not. This is Meg's, but this is the pit and you go, but it led to like a rash on her leg where she needed to get steroids and she goes, obviously, do you think? I'm just letting you know that those hairs can get ingrown and infected and go like, girl, I watch it because it got so grim and then go, anyway, love ya and go back to work. Put in her head this fucking weird habit I got could end up with a fucking rash. I'm done.

It's not a bad picture. I love the jake ending to what the boss said. I quit. I can't do this. You don't want to make it uncomfortable where she like now the boss feels uncomfortable around Meg, like who is just trying to fucking work there. It's such a weird situation. It's hard. It's not totally your business. Yes. But it's also like if you're thinking of her feet, it's kind of disgusting. But Meg, what do you think of that?

pitch of saying to her it's part. So we're going to go to you now. What do you think of the idea of giving her tweezers? What do you think of the idea of giving her either wax? What do you think of just bringing it up? What do you think of going to her and bringing up the idea of my cousin or somebody in my life did that too? And it led to a bad infection of those pitches. What zone are you going towards?

I think I like the Twitter's idea. I do fear that would occur on. But I think that like saying my cousin got a really bad infection from getting that in public, I think.

is a really good bet and it'll come from like a oh it's good okay like concern my pitch just just react just let her oh maybe I can't see it make a little bit more of a meal if someone did that to me I would be mortified and don't like give her attitude or anything just notice linger there enough for her to know that like oh my god she's she sees

So I didn't even know because I think she doesn't know she's doing I think so too. I think it's an out of body experience. That's exactly. So Meg, what do you think about lingering eye contact and then that awkward smile after like saw that and then maybe do that a couple of times? I think that's really good. Okay. And then after that, I don't know about the smile. I didn't pitch a smile. That's a Jake Johnson original.

Well, it's like, but what is the? Funny what I wanted to say after yeah, I want you to look for a little bit and then when she sees you I want I want you to wink at her Wait, Jake the smile. The smile is this like okay. Well here you're her. Yeah Okay, I'm not judging you make it awkward. Yeah, it's a but we made icon It's not going like this. Just look away. Just look what you want to do with your boss

This is what I think you should do. Who am I looking? Who's the boss? Who's the boss? Pretty good too. I like the smile at Ben's last. So, Meg, if you make eye contact with her, does it warrant anything after in your honest opinion? Smart question.

No, I don't think so, just like making sure she knows that I saw. But a weird smile I would be willing to do. I would not wink. This is smart, Meg. This is smart, Meg. Yeah. So, okay, so you're going to do there and you get it. Don't get fired. I just don't want to make sure that we're going to do a saddle. Nope. You're going to do that how many times until you do the cousins got a rash? You want to say three?

No, you can't do it three times. That makes the weirdo. But I think if she keeps going, go ahead. I think it's got to be like the second time I see the second time. I think that's right. I make eye contact with her. Are we saying during? Yeah. Do you go right away? Yeah, be like. So my cousin used to do that actually. And.

She ended up getting a really, really bad rash. I agree. Good performance, Meg. That's a great performance. Meg, do you want to be an actress? Those are great performance. Meg, what pilots have you been in and who directed them? Meg, I think that's right. I would go one awkward. The second time, once the work stuff's over, I would go just so you know. I mean, I don't care. But, Mike, do the cousin. Yes. I think that's right. Yeah. So, Meg, what are you going to do? This is tough. Meg, what do you think?

That's what I'm going to do. You are going to do it? Great. Will you follow up? If it's just the look and it ends, great. If you do the cousin thing, will you follow up with us? Yes. So will you follow up with us after the cousin things if you have to go there and if not, and it's a happy ending, then follow up with us eventually and just tell us that it all worked out and maybe we'll be at 7.5.

Yep. It's good for guys like us. Meg, I'm rooting for you. Just also follow your instinct. If it feels like something bad is happening, get out. Get out. Don't do it. Bye, Meg. Best of luck. Thank you.

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Hey everyone, it's The Shark. The original call from this next follow-up aired on October 28th. It's called shirt, title, merch, business with Katherine Reitman, and it is the second call from the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hi, welcome back to We're Here to Help. We know that you're a follow-up.

but we don't know what the follow-up is. It's just Garret, I think the shark on this one. So we'll have to relay your follow-up to Jake, but why don't you let us know. What was the original call and where are you at? All right. This is Claire, and you might not recognize me as I'm sober this time, but I threw over my three cards. Oh, you were at the wedding or engagement cards, right? Yes, I sure was.

Okay, what was your original problem? I can't remember exactly. I needed help planning a Mad Men Murder Mystery Party. Oh, right. Yes, we pitched forever on your Mad Men Murder Mystery Party. Yes. Thank you for sending me the audio because I needed it after. I don't remember what we said. So what did we end up landing on exactly? Yeah, there was a lot of plot points pitched.

for why we were gathering who got killed. So we were celebrating the closing of a Nabisco deal that the ad agency closed. And the guy who closed the deal, we named him, well, you guys named him Troy, we ended up naming him Dick. And he was stealing all the women's ideas and pitching on them. And one of the women's husbands was sick of it and he killed him.

And there was a pitch to kill him with a plunger. Uh huh. Right. We did not go with the plunger death. Probably the right call. But it was awesome. Everyone came dressed perfectly.

Martinis and cigarettes in hand and great outfits. I sent some pictures. Oh, yeah. Pictures with Gareth right now. That's great. And what were you on a ladder for that first picture? That was a very high vantage point shot. OK, great. Oh, there's a guy smoking. I love smoking. Lots of smoking, my friend. My friend bartended. Jesus, everyone was smoking. Were people who weren't, were people who didn't smoke smoking? Yes. OK.

Everyone leaned in. Yeah, so we did like a cocktail hour. And then at one point I screamed in the back room and everyone came running and Dick was dead on the floor. And one of the pictures shows that. All right, keep going. So then Dick came back. Well, my friend who played Dick came back as the twin brother detective.

to help, to help solve, solve the murder. Yeah. And my friend got progressively more drunk through the night and then would forget what had actually happened. I mean, not the character. Your friend is a human. My friend, the human. Right. So I had to keep garden and reminding the detective of.

of what actually happened. Sure. Ooh, even AMR. Yeah. I think we needed to do open investigations to how to find more makers. Okay. So was it a success?

It was. Yeah, everyone when they walked in got it. Did we? Yeah. And again, I'm happy for you. Good, good, good, whatever. Did we help lay? Did we give the pass for the Aleupon this successfully? Oh, 100%. Yeah. Was our stink all over this? It was. Did we? The only thing we didn't use was the death by plunger. Did you want on it?

Nothing. I didn't say anything. I've been sending it for 15 minutes. Um, okay. Well, that's great. Uh, Claire, that sounds like a win. It sounds like Kevin. We should probably ring the bell. Um, so the bell is going to get wrong. Um, well, great. Congratulations. Uh, I guess it, if we, if all of us get together for another pitch session, it seems like you have to be intoxicated for it to really. Yeah, I think so.

Cook with gas. Um, we can make it happen. Well, fantastic work. Uh, proud of you. Sorry. You're detective kept getting so drunk, but, um, but yeah, a win for us is a win for you or some version of that. I don't know how men die. Everyone wins. We're happy for us is what I'm trying to say. Love it. We are. Uh, thank you, Claire. Thank you so much. Thank you all. Appreciate you putting faith in us and the bell got wrong. Of course. All right. Say hi to Jake.

I will not. Thanks, Claire. Thanks, Claire. Okay. Bye. Thanks.

We're here to help as hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Caitlyn Tanwalkio. And our video editor is John DeBroule. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh. And you could check out his music at OliverRally.com. That's OliverRALI.com.

The album artwork is by James Fosteich. You can find him on Instagram at james underscore fosteich. D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garathrennolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y, Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on where here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

Hey everyone, I'm Dan Lakota and I'm Nick Nanny and we are the hosts of chicken pod majon now on headgum It's the very first Podcast for and about Italian Americans, that's right, but if you're not Italian American you can listen to I guess I suppose we can let you in cut you a deal

We're talking about all sorts of crazy topics on this. Who's a better cook? Nana or mama? Who you got in that fight? Nana or mama? I mean, I can't say bad about Nana or else she smacked me across head. We got some great guests on the show. We got Wayne Diamond. We got Edie Motica. We got Mike Hanford. And our wife, several of them. So subscribe to Chicken Pod Mijon on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcast, new episodes drop every Thursday.

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